General When Isolating Is Over

[Redheaded Stranger]

Hi. My boyfriend has been isolating for 3 weeks now with nary a word. I'm wondering what those with combat PTSD do when the isolating is over. I realize that everyone is different, but if I could hear what some of you or your loved ones do when they are ready to come home, it might help me be prepared. Do they just show up? Do they call? Do they just act like nothing happened or are they apologetic? Do they know you'll take them back or are they hesitant to reach out? Or do I need to keep reaching out to him and one day he'll respond? Can anyone share their experiences?

I'd love to hear from some of the Veterans as well. What is going through your head when it is over? How do you reenter your life? Are you worried about the response you'll receive? What is the best way to respond to you when you come back?

Thanks so much. I love him and want to be ready and here for him no matter what.

Red

 

[BV101]

From my persepctive (and there are others here who are probably better placed to answer this), when I just had to get away I was at a low state for lots of reasons. When I came back it was a bit of an apology and I just tried to carry on like nothing happened. All a bit of a mess really.
I used to pretend to myself that everything was okay whilst I was away so it didn't really matter one way or the other.

 

[willis williams]

Red, it depends on the type of isolation if it is just something to do with PTSD, or something is also off with the relationship which will be componded by PTSD. Have you been together long enough to see some kind of pattern. We are all very differant. I still isolate after 16 years. I've been through one divorce and some of my isolation in that relationship was unhappiness with relationship not just PTSD. In my current relationship I isolate while living together I become cold noncompationate will not say more than maybe 20 words all day. I get irritated when she even wants a kiss this can go for weeks. I do fake some of the good stuff to keep peice. There are so many veriables it unreal. No matter how I isolated in the past I usualy came back like nothing happened because I didn't want to deal with any crap. Good luck

 

[Steph_F]

I've found with my guy that yeah, he apologizes and then carries on like nothing happened. That is REALLY hard for me because is how bad it hurts, but if he didn't truly feel anything (not love, hate, nothing, well maybe anger misdirected at me) during his stressful times, it's hard to get him to understand how I felt and how I feel. I'm starting to just welcome him back with open arms and it's going better, but you cannot imagine how difficult that is for me after the pain he puts me through. I just telling myself that "it wasn't me" and "it's not his fault". My advice would be not to jump into "relationship talk" right away...let him get settled and then when it feels right, talk to him. Be careful not to make him feel bad himself, though. Last thing he probably wants is a reminder of what a jerk PTSD can make people into.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Isolation seems to have different levels. Sometimes my hubby sticks his earphones in and watches tv programmes or listens to music while playing tetris on the computer. That's ok, I understand. Sometimes he will seem disinterested if I suggest having a break away (recently this has been because of the football season being at a critical point lol) silly me for not realising!;) Ok again now I understand.

Then we go to a totally different level. Before my hubby went awol, I realised something was up and talked about relationship counselling which he agreed to but this was just to shut me up coz we didn't & he went, just like that.

After 3 months he let me know via email that where he was (staying with a friend) wasn't where he was meant to be. That was good enough for me & he came home immediately. We didn't get into a full post mortem of what had happened. After a lovely weekend away and a few weeks back home to get back into a routine, with just a few very carefully chosen words from me, we both recognised how things had probably got out of hand for him as it has been a pattern in his life to take on too much. While he was away, I learnt how important it is to look after myself, I had counselling which helped save us both I guess. I can support him to get the professional help he needs and I can be everso, everso patient.
He's been home over a year now, yep I was wounded but it was so out of character of him and I had to find it within myself to believe he didn't want to hurt me. It takes time and effort to process those thoughts/feelings but now I know it to be true.

Thank goodness for all the support on the PTSD Forums.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Your posts are very helpful and I thank all of you for your input.

Alan & Willis, if I'm lucky enough for him to come home, I'll try to keep the crap to a minimum. ;) Seriously, I don't ever give him crap and don't plan to start. The other people in his life give him crap and I've worked very hard to create a safe place and an oasis in this chaotic world. I don't really know what has happened. I love him dearly and I know that scares him but I won't apologize for it or down play it.

Steph, very good advice about not jumping into talking about it right away. I may never have the nerve to bring it up but hope I get the chance to, if he comes home.

Resilientgirl, 3 months is a long time to wait but so far all of his things are still here, so I"m hopeful. Everyday when I come home, I hold my breath to see if he's moved his things out while I'm at work. It's awful really, but so far so good. Did you contact him at all during those 3 months?

I read something today that said, "It takes a strong person to put someone else's need before their own." I don't feel strong right now but I'm trying so hard to put his need to be away, before my need for reassurance. I'm a little scared that I'm giving him too much space because I don't want him to think I'm mad or that I don't want him to come home. So I send him one text every 3-4 days, usually just an invitation to lunch or a quick hello. So far he either ignores them or replies that he has the kids. I'm hoping that one day, he'll say yes or just come home.

Thanks so much, really.

Red

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

A text a couple of times a week is enough. Sometimes I just said Hi with a kiss. It's helpful to just keep the lines of communication open.
we know what it's like but please, please, please look after your own needs and well being. Put him out of your thoughts for an hour and make some time for you each day, we'll hold you and help you.
Hugs

 

[wife of]

Hang in there darling,your doing the right thing,showing you care but with no pressure,I havent had this situation with my hubby,he isolates within the home but has not left it for an extended period.We used that technique though when our teenage daughter alienated herself from us due to peer pressure from an idiot boyfriend and she soon realised that "home" was the safe zone and all the pressures on her came from elsewhere....Hugs and supportive vibes...