We recently went away and had a wonder 1.5 week of 2 week vacation. I cannot remember the last time I felt so relaxed, happy, and at peace. It was wonderful, but unfortunately that peace cannot seem to last for any length of time in my life.
With 3 days to go on our vacation, we got a call from our son that our house had flooded. So we debated going home, but called the insurance company and got things good and then decided to say and finish out vacation. Unfortunately, the flood was always in the back of our minds and it just was not as relaxing.
So we get home to the roar of fans etc and squeezing ourselves around the huge dehumidifiers. The roar was like being behind a 747 and it made everyone a bit snappy with one another. Frustrations at the main floor bathroom being completely gutted did not help either. As if I was not dealing with enough stress, it kept piling on like a stack about ready to tip over due to the heights. The next blow was a brake line blowing on the car which caused a lot of extra effort to make sure everyone could get every where they wanted. This was followed by a second flood caused by a furnace condensation pump breaking. I cried because we had worked so hard cleaning up all day only to find another flood. I was exhausted.
On top of this we spend a day moving our son to his house. Again working our butts off to the point of exhaustion. Now this would have been tiring, but ok, however, my son's roommate assaulted me and the cops where called. Now the cops get mouthy with me and once they realized I have PTSD, they take the side of the career criminal who assaulted me, that I was the cause of the problem. I ended up with 4 cops surrounding me and threats of being arrested if I did not leave. The roommate had also threatened to kill the cat. Mean time, the cops are outside with me, ready to pounce. It triggered me, but for some reason I did not realize it.
So, I got to work in the morning thinking I will get away from some of this stress and looking forward to it, only to be told that 80-90% of my work is being done wrong. Now this is no small number, and my inner critic immediately takes over calling me a complete idiot that cannot do anything right. It calls me a loser, stupid, idiot etc. I start to cry. I am embarrassed that I did not realize I was doing so poorly.. I actually thought I was doing really, really well. This disconnect makes me think I have lost touch with reality and my self doubt goes through the roof. How can I show my face there again, so I send in my resignation to be fair to the company because they should not be stuck with such a loser. Of course they accept and I fall into a huge depression and beat myself up that I am such an idiot for quitting and not trying to do better work. Then my inner critic reminds me that I would have gotten fired which would have been worse. A company cannot keep an employee that is not capable of doing the job. Loser comes to mind.
Next the living room roof starts to leak, we just paid 15000.00 to have windows replaced to stop this problem. Figures that did not fix that problem. I am stressed.
A few years back it was recommended I have my thyroid out because a biopsy showed signs of cancer. I was told there was a 20% chance I had cancer. I said there is an 80% chance I don't and did not get the surgery. I went in for my annual ultrasound to see if the growth has grown and the lady doing the ultrasound would not tell me if the size was 10mm still. In fact she turned off the machine so I could not see the screen. Now all I can think of is that I have cancer and made a huge mistake. I would not doubt I f*cked up and made the wrong decision.
Next, yes there is more, I tried to save my job, but my boss thought it was best that we part ways. I was overwhelmed by feelings of being stupid and my own worst enemy. That same day, I left the roof off the convertible and it pissed down rain. The interior was soaked and dripped. Since it rained for the next 2 days I was not able to dry it out. Awesome, now it stinks.
During all this friends seemed to distance themselves from me. I can see that, who wants all this negative stuff. It is a real debb downer
Tonight a new problem, crickets are entering the house via all the holes in the wall between the garage and house due to the water issue.
I could also go on to say that I have been self-medicating to numb the pain of constant stress. I am having trouble coping and I just do not care to work with my tool box. My attitude sucks with "what is the point" attitude. I just do not seem to care to look after myself. At the end of day I still cannot hold a job even with years of intense therapy.
Today my car is making a funny noise. Really, please stop. It seems when it rains it pours. What do you do to level out when triggered.
With 3 days to go on our vacation, we got a call from our son that our house had flooded. So we debated going home, but called the insurance company and got things good and then decided to say and finish out vacation. Unfortunately, the flood was always in the back of our minds and it just was not as relaxing.
So we get home to the roar of fans etc and squeezing ourselves around the huge dehumidifiers. The roar was like being behind a 747 and it made everyone a bit snappy with one another. Frustrations at the main floor bathroom being completely gutted did not help either. As if I was not dealing with enough stress, it kept piling on like a stack about ready to tip over due to the heights. The next blow was a brake line blowing on the car which caused a lot of extra effort to make sure everyone could get every where they wanted. This was followed by a second flood caused by a furnace condensation pump breaking. I cried because we had worked so hard cleaning up all day only to find another flood. I was exhausted.
On top of this we spend a day moving our son to his house. Again working our butts off to the point of exhaustion. Now this would have been tiring, but ok, however, my son's roommate assaulted me and the cops where called. Now the cops get mouthy with me and once they realized I have PTSD, they take the side of the career criminal who assaulted me, that I was the cause of the problem. I ended up with 4 cops surrounding me and threats of being arrested if I did not leave. The roommate had also threatened to kill the cat. Mean time, the cops are outside with me, ready to pounce. It triggered me, but for some reason I did not realize it.
So, I got to work in the morning thinking I will get away from some of this stress and looking forward to it, only to be told that 80-90% of my work is being done wrong. Now this is no small number, and my inner critic immediately takes over calling me a complete idiot that cannot do anything right. It calls me a loser, stupid, idiot etc. I start to cry. I am embarrassed that I did not realize I was doing so poorly.. I actually thought I was doing really, really well. This disconnect makes me think I have lost touch with reality and my self doubt goes through the roof. How can I show my face there again, so I send in my resignation to be fair to the company because they should not be stuck with such a loser. Of course they accept and I fall into a huge depression and beat myself up that I am such an idiot for quitting and not trying to do better work. Then my inner critic reminds me that I would have gotten fired which would have been worse. A company cannot keep an employee that is not capable of doing the job. Loser comes to mind.
Next the living room roof starts to leak, we just paid 15000.00 to have windows replaced to stop this problem. Figures that did not fix that problem. I am stressed.
A few years back it was recommended I have my thyroid out because a biopsy showed signs of cancer. I was told there was a 20% chance I had cancer. I said there is an 80% chance I don't and did not get the surgery. I went in for my annual ultrasound to see if the growth has grown and the lady doing the ultrasound would not tell me if the size was 10mm still. In fact she turned off the machine so I could not see the screen. Now all I can think of is that I have cancer and made a huge mistake. I would not doubt I f*cked up and made the wrong decision.
Next, yes there is more, I tried to save my job, but my boss thought it was best that we part ways. I was overwhelmed by feelings of being stupid and my own worst enemy. That same day, I left the roof off the convertible and it pissed down rain. The interior was soaked and dripped. Since it rained for the next 2 days I was not able to dry it out. Awesome, now it stinks.
During all this friends seemed to distance themselves from me. I can see that, who wants all this negative stuff. It is a real debb downer
Tonight a new problem, crickets are entering the house via all the holes in the wall between the garage and house due to the water issue.
I could also go on to say that I have been self-medicating to numb the pain of constant stress. I am having trouble coping and I just do not care to work with my tool box. My attitude sucks with "what is the point" attitude. I just do not seem to care to look after myself. At the end of day I still cannot hold a job even with years of intense therapy.
Today my car is making a funny noise. Really, please stop. It seems when it rains it pours. What do you do to level out when triggered.
