General When Straight Talking Is The Only Way

[amethist]

Straight talking is the only way I have found to help my husband understand the error of his ways, or should I say his excuses for sitting around not doing enough to help himself.

The latest no nonsense, no emotion included talk seems to have hit home this time, especially when I explained to him what could happen in regards to his disassociation, if he did not now take notice and get his mind going again.

I did not really understand how bad this was getting until he explained to me fully what had happened when he went to buy milk a few days ago. It seems he had walked past the shop a lot further than he first told me, and only came back to earth when a bus went past. He could have ended up anywhere had this not happened as he had walked nearly 1/4 of a mile past the shop.

So I sat him down a gave a bad case scenario.

I asked him how he would feel if he went out when he was not fully aware of what he was doing, walked to the shop but passed it again. Carried on walking, crossed all roads as he should but not aware of it, in other words doing everything on auto pilot. Then he ended up in the park over a 1 1/2 miles away, sat on a bench, being suddenly jolted back to earth by a dog barking or children squealing in fun, or even being asked by the police if he was OK. This would scare the life out of him, as he said he would go into panic mode if that did happen, and he now realises it is a real possibility.

Basically I told him if he does not start using his mind again he could end up years down the line needing to be somewhere where he can be watched 24/7, as I would not be able to do this.

This has given him a wake up call that he has needed for weeks, he now understands, (I hope) how important it is now to do things everyday that he has to think about, that he has to put his mind to doing, not just the auto stuff. He has to train his brain to work properly again, he hates puzzles and stuff like that, but he does like quiz shows. So for an hour a day he is going to watch a quiz programme and do like we used to and see if he can beat the contestants in answering.

So as from Monday a different regime is being marked out, not only the usual everyday stuff but extras added in everyday. Things he has to think about and put his mind to do, then as soon as the weather picks up I will buy him is stronger strimmer that he wants, and he will learn how to landscape our back garden, ready for his new garage that he needs to be able to work on non-running motorbike that he wants to buy eventually.

I think he now knows this is the last chance saloon, he has been told if he does not put the work in now, it could be too late to reverse what is beginning to happen, and he will loose days and more not just minutes and hours.

So explaining all this to him, in a no nonsense straight talking way, is the only way I could get him to take notice. Along with the worse case scenarios of carrying on doing no where near enough to help himself.

Amethist

 

[Hemels]

Hi Amethist,

I read your post and it was powerful the emotions of how concerned you are for your other half. I too had a lot of dissociation where I walk to places and suddenly get startled into reality. I don't know about your partner but I do not have any warning signs of when I'm becoming disassociated, if he is the same shouting at him is not going to solve the problem, instead taking him to see the doctors and see if they have anymore help they can give him would be the best option. I understand how stressful it may be to care about someone in this state and I am not putting you down at all, please do not take what I have said the wrong way.

My doctor had to put me on mood stabilizing tablets because of this and my BPD and it seems to have brought it right down. I hope you find a solution soon

Hemmy xXx

 

[amethist]

Hi Hemels

Thanks for the response and the suggestions, and no I have not taken what you said the wrong way.

This was not one of those sit down while I yell at him sessions. It was a please sit and listen to what I have seen you doing, we need to talk about this and you really need to take notice and understand what could happen if you don't.

As for taking him to the doctor's, well that is becoming a joke to be honest. The last time we went just before Christmas, to ask for a review of his medication, we were told she had to refer the request back to the Psychologist, as she could not change or add anything without her say so. A meeting was held, but guess what they have not even had the decency to reply to the doctor with their decision.

So we are now in the process of asking for a referral to another Psychologist at different hospital, but we are not holding our breath. Apart from his Therapist no one want to know right now, as you may well understand your self, the NHS and mental health is pit's poor in the UK. He even asked to be admitted for an assessment so they could have a better idea of how he ticks day to day. The answer he got to this was, "You know this is not going to happen don't you". All because I look after him so well, er yea cos I have no choice here, I would any way, but that is not the point.

So thanks a bunch NHS, you brushed us to one side and you let us down yet again. Like you have been doing from day one. How many more doors do I have to kick and doctors scream at this time.

Sorry if this turned into a rant, if it was not for this forum, I sometimes wonder where we would be now with all this.

Amethist

 

[Hemels]

I totally sympathise with you over the NHS. It took them 6 months to finally find me a T only to find out that she doesn't deal with BPD so i went back into the waiting list.

I can see where this would cause an issue with your partners meds and I do have the same situation, because my T put me on the meds my GP can't change anything without her say so.

I apologise if I got the wrong end of the stick from your first post, I couldn't tell you what to suggest to snap him out of it because it is really hard to notice the symptoms before you are already in that state, (if that makes any sense)

Hemmy xXx

 

[Nicolette]

He has to train his brain to work properly again

Very smart conclusion Amethist. This is the key to overcoming the dissociation. Well done for saying what needed to be said.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Amethist,

I sympathize with you on the NHS, we in Canada have that system and while overall its a great system, when you're in a crisis there is no room to wiggle yourself in. We are a still waiting for that psychiatrist appointment now scheduled in February but if I didn't source out and go the private route lord help us!

Hugs.

 

[amethist]

What makes this even worse is that he did it twice in front of his therapist on Wednesday, while I was explaining some other things. He just looked at me daft when I snapped my fingers at hubby, but that is how I usually snap him out of it when I am with him. He then directed the discussion back to hubby's anxiety, with no real advice or info about how to go on with this.

So like the rest of it, we are on our own. At least I have the intelligence not to take all they say as being the best answers, and have looked else where for the answers from the beginning.

I wish we could go private some times, but even then some of the therapist do both NHS and private. But maybe then we would have a choice of who we see.

Amethist

 

[Tinyflame]

Amethist, do you think the Therapist believes that this is related to your husband's anxiety (which is why he directed the discussion back there)? I could definitely relate to that.

Perhaps with improvement in that area he will find improvement in the other.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My therapist is trying to teach me how to be more *mindful* as she calls it... She says that if you start being aware of your surroundings, and be mindful of things going on around you that you can train yourself to stay in the here and now..... Be aware of things such as....I see a tree, I see the flowers, I see that car, I see the trash on the ground...ect, or whatever your surroundings are.....

I have done this, but let me tell you.....You get tired, mentally.....It is hard, to keep yourself *mindful* But, she says to just start out slowly, for even 5 minutes the first time, and then each time increase the time of being mindful.....

 

[Shoka]

Thanks to everyone who posted on this thread, it is quite enlightening. The only experience with disassociation I've had with my sufferer has bordered on the mpre extreme psychotic episodes, very scary. I myself know that I've personally experienced some disassociation at times in my life. Now that things are a bit more "normal" with my sufferer, I have noticed at times that he can be a little unattentive to things and he zones out, but I never really thought of it as disassociation. It might not be, but it's something to consider.

Still, it's not an excuse for why he doesn't remember to do some basic things around the house, or is it? I have to watch it because I tend to be ultra-forgiving of things and in the past I have made excuses for behavior that I shouldn't have.

Amethist, I'm sorry that your healthcare stuff is such a quagmire. It makes me really wonder about what kind of a healthcare system the USA will have if we end up going in that direction. It seems a terrible disservice to people to offer healthcare and then have it be sub standard.

 

[amethist]

An Update Of Some Minor/Major Improvements.

The last few weeks have been very up and down, though better than they have been for a while now. Hubby has started to follow a rota, where he has something to do everyday, no questions, no excuses. He is still having some issues with certain things so a more detailed timetable will be made up in the next few days. Maybe then he will not forget to eat or do some of the other everyday, don't forget things.

One of the things I have now put my foot down with, is as from last Monday he is no longer allowed to wear jogging pants ever again. This all came to a head last Sunday, when I turned round to see this scruffy bedraggled tramp like man sat there. He had never looked so bad, he looked as if he had just walked in off the street, and I told him that too.

Now everyday he has to dress properly, as if he is ready to go out. Not suit and tie job, just clean and smart in jeans good t-shirt and sweat shirt, he has plenty so no excuses. He will shave at least twice a week, he has a goiter so its only the bits behind that which do not grow fast anyway.

So far so good this week, he even had a meal ready one night and has been thinking of more things to do as the weather gets warmer.

Some really good new arrived by post on Tuesday too, we have had an appeal pending since last year for more money from the government. The benefits office said he was not entitled to a higher rate of Disability Living Allowance, but an advisor told us he was, so that is what the appeal was about. They told us in the letter that a "Unanimous Decision" had been made and they were awarding him the Mid Rate Care Component, instead of the lowest rate. They have even backdated it from last November, to be paid until November 2012.

If he he keeps on doing all he should, then when the money is paid into his bank I will go buy him his big boy toy. He wants a power strimmer so he can clear the rough ground at the side of our back garden, ready to plant some veggies.

Still a long way to go, but at least now some progress is being made.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

On a humorous note Amethist....if I was your husband and you told me no jogging pants when I was home and that I had to wear jeans (which I hate with a passion) it would come close to a divorce :rofl::rofl::rofl: