General When The Anger Demon Comes Out

[Iron_Angel]

Anger is probably one of the most common things we have to deal with regarding PTSD. I'm in a situation where my friend will get caught up in an angry outburst that turns into a rant of shouting and language like "I want to kill them all for what they've done to me!".

I know that trying to get through to him in these moments is next to impossible, and that I have to make sure of my own safety. Even though I know he would never intentionally hurt me (he is extremely non-violent), I don't want either of us to have to worry about what could happen unintentionally, so withdrawing is probably a good idea.

However, what really concerns me is that letting his angry rants go on escalates his blood pressure (which is already at dangerous levels for which he is taking medication), and I am truly afraid that someone will call the police when they hear the angry shouting and the kind of language he says.

My friend's trauma stems from a brutal encounter with police, so having police show up at the door would be the worst possible outcome from an angry rant.

Any thoughts or suggestions about what I could do in this situation would be much appreciated.

 

[amethist]

As long as he is not a danger to himself or anyone else when he rants and raves like this, maybe just letting him blow off steam would be the best option. Then when he has stopped and calmed down, sit with him and explain as calmly as possible that you do understand why he does this, but others won't. Try and explain to him to possible outcomes of some one else hearing the noise, when you know he is just letting of steam.

Maybe even have a note to pin on the door, saying "Just ill and angry, will calm soon". Anyone calling would read it and back away, knowing you have it under control.

If it just all noise and hot air, then you know how to deal with it. It is when it gets physical that you have to know you can and will get out and leave others to deal with it all.

My husband did this quite a while ago now, "The red mist came down", as he called it. I just sat opposite him and let him blow out. it was bad, shouting and swearing, as well as attacking me verbally big style. To this day he cannot remember and I never told him how bad it was. BUT, he knows it was bad enough for me to say to him when he had calmed down, "You ever speak to me like that ever again, and I will put you on your a**e". He has never blow like that since, he knows I will not stand for it, for what ever reason.

You may not feel able to do this, but one day you may find you can deal with your friend in a way he realises you will not allow it anymore. For what ever reason he has at the time.

It does take time to learn how to manage so many different situations, with his help or not, but it is possible.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Darkness Shines]

Iron_Angel, have you asked your friend what he finds most helpful during angry episodes?

I'm the one with rage issues in my house, and in my case it's most helpful to have my husband stay with me during the episodes. There are two reasons for this: 1) I need to feel like someone is hearing me when I'm angry. Thinking no-one is listening only makes me angrier. 2) I'm very unsafe when I'm raging and need him to protect me from myself. The most helpful thing my husband does is staying calm himself during my episodes, not getting angry or frustrated, because that would only make things worse.

But some people need to be alone with their feelings when they're angry, because they're afraid of hurting anyone else who is around them. I am a little afraid of hurting my husband too, but that helps keep me from escalating too out of control actually.

So maybe just ask your friend what helps. I understand the concern about his blood pressure (hate to think what mine spikes up to sometimes, and I don't even have an underlying medical condition), which is one reason I'm saying to talk and see if there is something you can do to lessen the episodes.

Obviously you shouldn't seriously endanger yourself. I think that sort of goes without saying. But since you say he's non-violent withdrawing may not be the only option for you.

 

[Iron_Angel]

That's a really good point, DS, he may just need to be heard, and need a calm anchor to ground him. One of his issues is that no one has ever listened to him or believed him when he's tried to report his ongoing trauma.

My ex husband used to get very angry and at times physically lashed out at me, so witnessing anger and shouting tends to make me very frightened. But I know my friend would not hurt me. Still, I don't want to make these outbursts worse by anything I might do or not do.

Amethist's suggestion of a note to pin on the door and your idea of asking him what he would like me to do during those times are great, thanks!

 

[Darkness Shines]

My husband is PTSD too, and I know witnessing anger and violence (unlike your friend I can be violent) is triggering to him too. He's got an account here and I'll have him swing by this thread and tell you what he does to maintain his own sanity when I'm raging.

I know you don't want to do anything to make any situation worse, but the harsh truth of it is that sometimes you will accidentally do something wrong. After nearly five years together my husband and I still trigger each other sometimes. We're human, we're not telepaths, and PTSD is very fluid and unpredictable (i.e. what was helpful last week might be hurtful this week!) So don't beat yourself up for not being the perfect supporter. None of us are perfect. You're trying really hard and that's the most anyone can ever do.

 

[Iron_Angel]

... the harsh truth of it is that sometimes you will accidentally do something wrong.

Boy, did I ever find that out just recently! We had a lovely evening planned, and things were going very well until I walked into a trap. It wasn't set as a trap, it seemed like a very innocent question he asked me, but my answer triggered his thought process and within minutes he was raging, shouting, and trying to escape. He wasn't angry at me, but one of the words I said was like lighting a fuse to dynamite and it resulted in an explosion of rage about what had happened to him and what he would like to do to the people responsible. Yikes!

That's the worst I've seen him. I had no fear that he would hurt me, but I was worried that police would be called due to his shouting. I felt completely helpless to say or do anything to help him get back under control. He ended up just leaving. I recognized that need to escape, but I was so worried about him driving like that.

I know there are going to be other times when he gets set off somehow. I'll avoid any potential triggers I know about, but the ones I don't know --- those are the gotchas that worry me.

The one thing I think I did right was to reassure him afterward that he didn't need to feel guilty about that episode. He was as powerless to turn it off as I was. Making him feel bad about it afterward would have just made things worse.

 

[Iron_Angel]

I have been thinking a lot about this as I try to help my sufferer sort out this mess that is his life. One of the biggest issues right now is that he cannot get treatment. The reason is that, in the past, at least two times, he was arrested for whatever he said to his therapist. Since his trauma stems from police brutality, this is the worst thing that could have happened to him.

I cannot get the details from him because he cannot/will not talk about it. But what I suspect happens is that during a therapy session he gets triggered and an angry rant starts. It then contains statements such as "I figure I could find an axe, so something could be done about it. Something could be done about it all right. I say again: something could be done about it. Yup. Something could be done about it. An end to all the pain. A mess left, as a reminder why this should not be done to people."

And if he starts THAT, then instead of realizing that it is an angry outburst caused by PTSD, and helping him get himself back under control, the so-called therapist calls police. Which traumatizes him all over again!

I realize that if a person is saying something that seems to indicate they could be a danger to themselves or others, there is a "duty to report" to make sure people are safe.

But then HOW can ANY sufferer who is likely to say something like that get treatment? I have read about the pathology, that it is common for sufferers to say things like "If I got out of control, it would be horrible/life-threatening/intolerable", which is how his rants go. The first time I heard it, I was shocked, but surely a therapist should be more on the ball than that?

He even had a legal agreement drawn up by a lawyer and signed by the therapist that no matter what the T heard in treatment he would NOT call the police. And then he did anyway!!


Bad enough to get abused by police, but then to have your T abuse you all over again by calling your abusers to come abuse you some more? OMG, I can barely contain my own anger over this!

He sometimes talks about how this is making him a time bomb, and that some day he'll explode if he doesn't get help, and he's right! The fact that he's NOT exploded by now is a testament to his incredible strength and sanity.

I have offered to go to therapy with him, to try to protect him, but given what has happened to him in the past, he is not terribly willing to make another attempt. So here is this wonderful man with severe PTSD who cannot get treatment. It seems I have to be not only a carer but his T as well, because that is all he can get.

 

[blueangel371115]

I reading your posts I realized something, I was a victim of brutality so in expressing my anger I want to win this round. I started going to church partly because of it. I'm not bible-thumping. In my experience, religion helped.

 

[After Sunset]

The reason is that, in the past, at least two times, he was arrested for whatever he said to his therapist. Since his trauma stems from police brutality, this is the worst thing that could have happened to him.

Oh, my. I'm so sorry to hear that, Iron_Angel.

But what I suspect happens is that during a therapy session he gets triggered and an angry rant starts. It then contains statements such as "I figure I could find an axe, so something could be done about it. Something could be done about it all right. I say again: something could be done about it. Yup. Something could be done about it. An end to all the pain. A mess left, as a reminder why this should not be done to people."

This sounds very much like my wife on a bad day, though she gets even more elaborate than that. I'm not a violent person at all, but I still may have mentioned medieval torture equipment as a fine way of dealing with paedophiles a few times myself. It seems to me like a decent psychologist should understand that these "threats" are not serious. They're just the only way we can find of expressing the depths of our anger and frustration sometimes. Unless someone has a weapon and an actual plan, I really fail to see the threat here. I'm sorry some therapists can't see this when it's so obvious.

But then HOW can ANY sufferer who is likely to say something like that get treatment?

It will be very difficult. I know, I'm right there with you. For a long list of reasons—which I'm not going to post here, but would be willing to share in private if you're really curious—no-one in my family is seeing a traditional therapist and none of us plan to start doing so any-time soon. [/quote]


However, there are a lot of techniques which can be used on your own to reduce PTSD symptoms. But—and this is very important—absolutely nothing will help unless your friend is motivated to work hard on getting better. He has to be willing to follow the advice given in books and online resources. I think it takes a great deal more motivation to do recovery work on your own than it does if you have a therapist guiding you. So none of the information I'm accumulating can be much help if your friend isn't ready to put forth the effort it takes to make progress.

 

[Iron_Angel]

But—and this is very important—absolutely nothing will help unless your friend is motivated to work hard on getting better. He has to be willing to follow the advice given in books and online resources. I think it takes a great deal more motivation to do recovery work on your own than it does if you have a therapist guiding you. So none of the information I'm accumulating can be much help if your friend isn't ready to put forth the effort it takes to make progress.

And that really hits the nail on the head, thank you After Sunset. I offered a half dozen techniques for dealing with his situation and he got angry, saying people only offer him advice, no concrete help. I said, "Well, if you're not going to TAKE any of the advice, it won't turn into concrete help." That did not go over well at all.

He's had a lot of secondary wounding, with people not believing him, or causing even more trauma when he tries to tell his story. One of those times he was arrested on the say-so of his psychologist, he ended up pleading guilty to threatening the police chief. His lawyer said he'd never get a fair trial anyway, and the T's testimony would be very detrimental. I think this was a huge mistake, and unfair because he was obviously under duress at the time he agreed to that. He didn't get to tell his story in court, and he is now on the record for something the police CAN hold against him -- and it still wasn't his fault!!

So I certainly understand his reluctance to do pretty much anything -- it seems he can't trust anyone, anything he's tried has backfired badly, and the people who were supposed to help him were complicit in inflicting more trauma.

But still, he's got to start somewhere to work on getting better. Meditation, writing it out, finding anonymous online support, these are things he could do that don't involve anyone else or put him at risk.

 

[blueangel371115]

I think he needs a new lawyer. In my opinion if he already believes that his client would lose, he's not going to try as hard. He could at least ask for a change of venue.

 

[Iron_Angel]

Yeah, we can't get a lawyer to take the case.

No $$$ and no Legal Aid for these things. Also, by now, too much time has passed, although I think we could still get it looked at under the right circumstances. Every time I find a route to take to try to get him some help, there's a huge stone wall in the path. But I'm an ant... I'll just find another route!