When They Ask For Space...

[mr58]

I am curious about something, I've been in an on/off thing for a year with someone from the military who suffers from PTSD (recently diagnosed, spent most of the last year away in inpatient treatment). We had plans and something came up and he canceled an hour before I was supposed to meet him (not all the uncommon from what I understand and not all that uncommon with us). And he asked for his space right now, a little over a week ago (he's not a big isolater so it's actually a long time for him not to reply) which I am trying my best to give, we have never had a discussion about what he wants or needs when he asks for space, if an occasional text here or there is ok. I have texted him once every couple days just to say I'm thinking of him, I'll be here when he's ready and I don't expect him to ever answer these texts until he's ready, I can see that he read the one I sent on FB which I guess is good, I have told him that if he needs to he can tell me to completely f* off and trust me he would tell me. I told him I want to discuss a protocol for what he wants and what space means for him, what's ok and what isn't when I see him next, so I don't push him further away or anything. Is this a good way to go about this? I want to know how to help him but I know it's hard. I'm also wondering from sufferers if you would find these occasional texts an intrusion to your space? I can't tell if he does or doesn't, he doesn't block me,usually he just won't reply..which I get...I know it's different for every person, I do it more because I want him to know there's someone who really cares about his well being, and I always make them about being there to support him. Any advice is always appreciated...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Personally, when I push people out and tell them I need my space... If they bother me, it just pisses me off, and the more they do it, the more pissed I become. That's just me though....

 

[aut555]

He is saying this is my call, my space, and decide if to let you in, but that hallpass can be revoked at any time, with no warning. I think it's best to ask him in person if your texts have been ok? The minute you start to push anything you will run into problems. But if you have the time then keep supporting him. That is a great gift and you are very special to do that. Hope that he is able to move forward.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that putting future demands on him isn't a good thing. Yes, you're talking about it happening in the future but this still puts stress on him as he now has to worry about this future conversation. If someone asks for space and you continue to message them, it's not really giving them space IMHO. If anything you may be lengthening the isolation period.

 

[aut555]

I think that putting future demands on him isn't a good thing. Yes, you're talking about it happe...

She had a very valid point.

 

[Thizette]

I agree that putting future demands on your partner can be a huge stressor for him, but I would also like to acknowledge that you desire to have that conversation with him is both responsible and thoughtful. I definitely think you should ask him to help you understand his needs so that you can meet them, but maybe just wait until you're together again and also to let him know he can think about it for a while and get back to you. That's a healthy thing to do.

I think the texts are ok if you genuinely don't expect a reply. My partner will often message me to say something about how he hopes my day is getting better or that I'm feeling ok. He asks a LOT of questions and sometimes I find it too much to handle so I just tell him "Too many questions, I need a minute" and he knows that I'll answer him once I've calmed down. The thing is, We have a relationship such that I don't find it pushy or intrusive. A lot of people might. If you are worried your texts are intrusive, they might be, but you probably know your partner better than we do.

 

[mr58]

thanks everyone....I'm trying my best to give him space, even with the texts compared to the way I could of been in the past, I'm doing better and trying to learn, and I hope he sees that, this is new to me and to him, I understand that future conversation could put stress on him, although when he's in a good place he's never turned away from questions I've wanted to ask...so I won't bring it up again unless he feels comfortable. Yeah I don't expect a reply unless he feels up to replying and I let him know I'm here when he's ready, the thing that is hard is he won't usually be the one to reach out even after he feels in a good space again, it's always been that way but it leaves me to have to kind of guess when he might be up to replying so I'll text him, if he doesn't answer I leave him alone...the guessing is kinda hard...