When To Tell About Ptsd

[Catlovers141]

I'm a 25-year-old female who is a child sexual abuse survivor. I function fairly well in most areas of my life (I almost have a master's degree, I have my own apartment, etc.) but I find romantic relationships impossible. I'm sure that I'm exceptionally inexperienced in this area (never been kissed, never been on a date, never even had a male friend) -- I've spent most of my life up to this point running away from men in an effort to feel safe. It has worked, but I feel like I'm missing out on something.
I've started talking to guys on okcupid, and there is one guy that I've exchanged several messages with. Unlike other guys I talk to, I actually feel fairly safe when I converse with him. I might be willing to actually meet him in person eventually, which would be a huge step for me.
I'm wondering how to navigate this if we do choose to keep talking and then meet. My PTSD affects this area of my life greatly, and sex is something that I think would be reserved for when I'm very, very close to someone (he doesn't seem to be looking for casual sex but my guess is he would not choose to wait as long as I would). When is it a good idea to bring up this abuse history? I don't think it's a good idea to bring it up right away, because everyone has baggage and talking about it doesn't seem to be good first date material. However, I'm reluctant to feel like I'm "leading him on" without having a realistic discussion of what I feel capable of at this point in my life. Essentially, I don't want to get too personal too quickly, but I don't want to waste either of our time either.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

If you bring it up you 1 better be prepared 2 better make sure he's educated either by website pamphlet or email your therapist. If you can't do those than don't say anything because you need to be ready to tell him

 

[Catlovers141]

If you bring it up you 1 better be prepared 2 better make sure he's educated either by website pamp...

Exactly. I'd like to say something in a thoughtful, planned way if at all possible. And there are a number of good articles for people whose partners have been abused (of course, we aren't at that point, but they are good to know of if I ever get there with anyone), that I might want to share. I'm mostly wondering about timing.

 

[EveHarrington]

Minimum, a few months.

IME most of the guys I meet in person who I originally found online I have zero chemistry with. It's sort of why I stopped this form of meet/greet. If you do a lot of online dating/meeting, you'll see what I mean. (I won't even meet a guy if we don't have good chemistry online, on the phone.)

I think that it's more important to get to know the guy, judge if HE is trustworthy, and so on.

It's only in modern dating that sex is at the forefront of everything, expected within a few dates (max), etc. Not being 100% forthcoming with 100% of your life doesn't mean you're leading him on. There are no guarantees------and I wish that there wasn't such a great notion in society that if a woman doesn't offer up sex in so many days that she's leading a man on and being a tease.

 

[seedling]

a realistic discussion of what I feel capable of at this point in my life.

I think you could have this discussion with him when you've prepared what you want to share and what you don't. It doesn't need to be in depth. It doesn't need to even be a "discussion". It can be a simple straightforward statement mentioning that you endured early trauma and will be taking relationships at your own pace.

You don't need to give any more details or information. Set the boundaries that you are comfortable with. Do it when you feel comfortable with it. If it helps you to do it soon and get it out of the way then go for it. If you aren't ready then wait.

Congratulations on your first steps toward relating to men! I think just this is a huge step. It seems like you are well prepared :).

Are you in therapy, where you can deal with what this may bring up?

 

[Gizzy]

Caliber141 , I feel the exact same way as you. But I haven't talked to many guys online. How did you decide to try and get to know someone? I find as soon as a person wants to get together, date or even kiss I back away because of my PTSD. I want to have a family someday but lime I said as soon as guys try to get physical I back away!

 

[anthony]

When is it a good idea to bring up this abuse history?

I would do it online... to be honest... as that will at-least test his reaction without the complications of having already met him in person. I would certainly not mention too much more about it, as you don't need a therapist from him, and it will kill things. But having the short discussion is honestly preferred by distance based on what you have outlined about your relationship here.

Honestly, I would also begin testing your views on sex, and if you want to wait for a year or two of dating, then see what his reactions are on that, and how far you're willing to adjust your own views to find a middle ground. If not already, you want to certainly have video conversations with him well before meeting.

 

[Catlovers141]

Minimum, a few months.

IME most of the guys I meet in person who I originally found online I ha...

This is well-put. I've had an online dating profile for quite awhile now but I've never met anyone through the site and I usually don't message people back. If I do, I send one message, two tops. This person seems nice. When I've said no to things (like asking for my phone number before I wanted to give it), he's taken it well which to me is a good sign -- a lot of the guys that talk to me online seem more "pushy".
I also agree with the "leading him on" part. I know those were the words I used, but I don't think they accurately express what I was trying to say. I think what I meant was that sex within the first few dates seems to be the norm, and if I'm going to deviate from that it is polite to say something. I think this way of saying it is probably equally ridiculous, but I don't want someone to think something is going to happen when it's not, even when I've given no reason for them to think that other than dating them.

 

[Catlovers141]

I think you could have this discussion with him when you've prepared what you want to share and what yo...

I like the phrasing that you used, so thanks for that. I have been in therapy for awhile, yes, and I expect dating (if that even happens) will bring up quite a lot, unfortunately.

 

[Catlovers141]

Caliber141 , I feel the exact same way as you. But I haven't talked to many guys online. How did you deci...

I sound exactly like you in that respect. I think for me (and maybe for you?), part of it is that I relate attraction to sex happening right then without any consideration for anything else. It sounds like a common issue for survivors of sexual violence. I first experienced sex in a violating, abusive, out of control way. I haven't been in positive relationships, so it's hard for me to see on an emotional level that someone can be physically attracted to me and not assault me. In my life in general, people who have wanted things from me have just taken them, so it's taking a lot of time to learn that people can want something and not just take it. Feeling like when someone wants something they will just take it is very threatening -- when they are attracted to me, it can feel very threatening so I avoid that as much as possible. Maybe this is true for you?

I'm trying now partly because I have some support from friends who have more dating experience than me (which really is not that hard lol!), and my conversations with them have made me realize that I do want a relationship, even though it terrifies me. The not wanting it is more about fear than actually not being interested. I think I've tried a lot of smaller things -- even creating a profile and leaving it there without talking to anyone gave me a lot of anxiety. Baby steps. I think for me it's now a case of wanting to change outweighing the fear, where many times before it was the opposite.

 

[Catlovers141]

I would do it online... to be honest... as that will at-least test his reaction without the complications o...

This is good advice. I don't want to tell him early so that I can get support from him, like using him as a therapist, but more so that we can be more clear about dating expectations. I'm so unclear about how to navigate these things.

 

[anthony]

but more so that we can be more clear about dating expectations.

Exactly. I think you know exactly how to navigate it... as you just confirmed exactly why you need to have this conversation early for the right reasons. Boundaries now remove complications later, or you at-least find out whether he is interested in you, or just to have sex with you.