When To Tell The Person You're With That You Have Ptsd?

[violet23]

Hi! I'm really new here (just made my account for this question honestly), so please forgive me if this is in the wrong category or format or something! :nailbiting:

Basically, I just want to know when you think is the right time to tell the person you are romantically involved with that you have PTSD and if you think I should tell the person I'm with that I have PTSD.

A bit about me: I'm almost twenty, have been diagnosed with PTSD among other things, and have never been in a relationship until now. I'm semi with a person right now (we're really good friends who know we like each other and have kissed a few times, sorry I'm not sure if this is TMI or not), but my friends have told me that he has plans to ask me to be his girlfriend relatively soon. Truthfully, the idea of relationships scare me because I know my anxiety can make me a bit of a handful. Also, my PTSD stems from things that have happened to me sexually and it can make me a bit terrified to get sexually intimate with people. I'm worried that my friend doesn't realize what he's getting into by asking to be in a relationship with me and I'm worried he might one day regret being with me because of my PTSD/intimacy issues.

Should I tell him that I have PTSD when he asks me so that I'm warning him about what he's getting into and giving him a chance to rethink his decision? I would understand if he just wanted to stay friends afterwords, but I also worry about telling him because I've never told anyone before and it's a very private thing for me (and I wouldn't want to explain what caused my PTSD, but obviously he would probably have questions about it). Should I just keep it to myself and tell him I think we should stay friends because I'm probably more of a handful than anyone wants in a relationship? I don't want him to feel trapped later on if my symptoms become too much of a hassle for him, you know? And I don't think he'd react badly because he's a very caring guy, but there's always that chance that he might not understand.

:oops: Sorry for the rambling. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

 

[Friday]

At this point in my life, I'm not willing to get into a relationship with anyone I can't be strictly honest with. I've done that before, and -for me- it's beyond pointless. It's a huge waving red warning flag that I shouldn't be with them. If I can't tell someone I'm ADHD, PTSD, a mom, my birthday, etc.? Then I'm not going to date them.

 

[Miss_Elri]

Be honest, and if he really likes you, he'll love you no matter what.
That's the only thing I can say hunny.
Good luck <3

 

[GrapplingGrief]

If you love them, please tell them sooner rather than later. But it isn't just telling them about it but steering them towards the right resources so they can try to get a better handle on it. I understand it's a tough situation because you want to avoid getting triggered from telling them what happened to cause it but I think it's vital to really guide the person on what to expect, what you need, and how to handle things. This forum has been invaluable. I was sent a webMD article and had no idea what to do with that information. Had she sent me to a few relevant posts I would've been like "Aha! So this is normal for people with this history!" In my case, there was a wild mix of Dissociative Disorder, mentions of "abuse", Eating Disorders, and then PTSD but NO direction on how to deal with it. Living together was so confusing and unexpectedly difficult. Mind you she didn't know how to cope either let alone direct me on how to navigate a minefield of triggers. Had I been more aware that this could've happened, we would've delayed moving in together for sure. But when you're in love, you want to try. She wanted to try so badly because she thought she was ready and healed. But she wasn't. And now she's a mess and I miss my partner.

 

[Sideways]

I'm speaking from my own past experience here, so if it doesn't resonate at all, just keep scrolling past:)

There have been times in the past where I've met someone really brilliant, guys who tick all the Mr Perfect boxes, guys who, in retrospect, probably would've cared enough to stick around if I opened my closet of skeletons on them. Each time, I made the decision to spare them the pain of getting involved with me and my life and my mess.

Needless to say I've never been with a partner that was much more than a complete dud.

But hindsight is 20/20. And while I'm sure that "wanting to spare them" was part of my motivation for pushing them away, the real reason was I was just too terrified. I was terrified of being treated like a decent, loveable human. That was completely foreign to me, and it scared me to death. And the thought that I'd have to actually let myself trust this guy? Be vulnerable in front of him? Hell no.

If your gut is telling you that maybe you should walk away, it could genuinely be that you want to spare them. But it could be that maybe it's just frightening, and you want to spare yourself from that fear - the fear that if you let this guy in, you'll be vulnerable, you'll expose yourself to the risk that this guy might blow your trust apart and you don't want to risk going through that again...

From what I've heard, if you've got the right guy, being vulnerable is well worth it. Sometimes we decide to give someone a chance and they let us down. But sometimes they turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to us. So, maybe, this one might be worth giving him a chance.

 

[Sighs]

My partner of 3 years has severe PTSD. Every once in a while he will "decide" that I would be better off without him. I always tell him - he doesn't get to decide that. I'm an adult. I get to decide what is best for me, including whether I want to be with him. Of course, he can decide whether HE is better off without ME but that is a different question.

Give the guy a chance. Send him here. There are lots of supporters here who are willing to share their experiences.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I'm speaking from my own past experience here, so if it doesn't resonate at all, just keep scroll...

That's exactly the hardest part @Ragdoll Circus My ex would frequently say in the beginning of our relationship that she didn't deserve me and that she was afraid she would do something to mess things up, and all this came out of the blue when things were going great. I would be supportive and surprise her with help when she was busy, and she just didn't know how to react because she had never been treated that well before. It was so hard for me to interpret what was happening. Oftentimes she came across as cold and unappreciative or just plain unhappy. I had no idea she was afraid or going through a stage of numbness. I do now but it's too late.