When You Don't Think Your Therapist "Gets It"

[Iam]

He just looked at me and said in a very flat tone of voice "some families just don't talk about stuff". He said it like he was selling me aluminum siding. I wanted to punch him upside his head. Somehow I don't think he'd be so calm and nonchalant about the whole thing if it was his wife or his daughter that we were talking about. It's just infuriating and so dismissive.

I totally understand what you are saying Heather. Funny because I appreciated his calm, non-emotional way of talking to me in the beginning. What frustrates me even more is my inability to say something about it to my T. I have sent him emails and even whole conversations from here on the forum to facilitate conversation about it and that has helped. I need to learn to tell him face to face what I need from him.

Have you told your T how it makes you feel when he does that?

 

[Heather]

Hi lam - thanks for responding yes, I have and then he'll say to me for a few sessions after I've told him I feel like he's being dismissive ,"does what I've just said to you sound dismissive?" and I want to smack him even more:). He says he can't win with me.

I freely admit that I am NOT the easiest person to deal with especially when it comes to THIS STUFF and i've told him many,many times it makes me a nightmare to work with but he's stuck with me so suck it up and deal with it. I'm sure he cringes inside. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and give up on therapy altogether!

I don't think he understands that being a female and being abused my men that i'm so hypersensentive. I also think there's a lot of transference that gets played out.

 

[Iam]

. I also think there's a lot of transference that gets played out.

I have both a male T (who doesn't specialize in trauma) that I've been with for 16 months and a female T with whom I started EMDR with last Oct. She "gets it". I have considered starting to terminate with my male T. Both have discouraged me from doing that at this point.

There have been some critical times when I am very difficult and I voice to him that I am far more screwed up and have bigger issues than either of us thought when I first started with him. He has agreed and pointed out that he has and will stick with me.

My male T has pointed out the transference onto him and how beneficial that is in my therapy. That our therapeutic relationship is extremely important in my healing. I do trust him even if I'd like to strangle him sometimes!!! I think what it comes down to with him is that he is forcing me to do the work, not telling me what is right and wrong. When he gives me a flat response and it makes me angry, I think that it actually cements in my core self that what was done to me is wrong far more than if he just told me how wrong it was. So maybe that is the point of their flat responses? IDK.......just a thought.

What would be even better is if I could call him on his response at the time it happens. That will be a huge step forward when I can actually do that!

 

[Heather]

My male T has pointed out the transference onto him and how beneficial that is in my therapy. That our therapeutic relationship is extremely important in my healing. I do trust him even if I'd like to strangle him sometimes!!! I think what it comes down to with him is that he is forcing me to do the work, not telling me what is right and wrong. When he gives me a flat response and it makes me angry, I think that it actually cements in my core self that what was done to me is wrong far more than if he just told me how wrong it is!

Very interesting lam. it's given me alot to think about. I was going to ask my therapist if he thought there was a lot of transference going on when I see him friday. he said that unless I tell him what's going on in my head he won't know what I'm thinking DUH! i was chastised on here about calling him names but as a child i had no voice. I wasn't allowed to say anything. and in one of our sessions when I wasn't talking he was getting on my case about not speaking up....i burst into tears and i said because growing up i couldn't say anything i wasn't allowed to......and he looked physically shaken up...i've never seen him like that before and he said you can say anything in here and it will be ok, call me anything you want.....but i need to know what's going on inside your head or else there's no point. I feel like like i do trust him more than anyone else but i still find it very hard to speak up and tell him what's going on in my head. it's a lot easier to joke around with him and make fun of him and ask him why his wife doesn't call him a douche bag than it is to tell him about the flashback I had where my dad is raping me. i mean which one would you pick to talk about?

 

[Iam]

I feel like like i do trust him more than anyone else but i still find it very hard to speak up and tell him what's going on in my head. it's a lot easier to joke around with him and make fun of him and ask him why his wife doesn't call him a douche bag than it is to tell him about the flashback I had where my dad is raping me. i mean which one would you pick to talk about?

Avoidance seems to reign in PTSD......Thing is......we need to make the most of our time in therapy. I do a lot of avoiding topics too. My T used to call me on denial as well. He said I frequently downplayed the things that happened to me. Guess I don't do that anymore at least ;o) It takes time in therapy to get to the point where we are actually able to "talk" about the things that happened do us. I find it amazing how EMDR brings things to the surface making it easier to verbalize what I remember and how I feel. It certainly isn't for everybody, but I have found it's making a difference for me.

 

[Heather]

Hey lam -
they had suggested emdr for me but nadine who does the emdr their said that i'm not strong enough for it that was a few months ago....I dont know about now. I guess maybe i'm the poster child for avoidance.

There have been times too that my therapist has run his own agenda in the sessions and has discouraged me from talking about it when I've wanted to talk about it and then when I've confronted him about this very issue he's said well you know you can talk about anything you want in here but it's a little too late because the damage has already been done. the sanctions have been applied.

It goes back to what i said before about not speaking up when things happen. He'll say something to me that'll piss me off and 5 - 6 wks will go by until i'll say something to him. i've gotten alot better and now usually will say something the next time I see him ideally the goal is to say something right when it happens.

 

[Iam]

they had suggested emdr for me but nadine who does the emdr their said that i'm not strong enough for it that was a few months ago....I dont know about now. I guess maybe i'm the poster child for avoidance.

Probably a good call on her part Heather. Like I said before I started EMDR in October and only last week have we started to address the traumas simply because I wasn't stable enough until now. We had to lay a lot of groundwork in creating a "home base" for the ego states that got frozen at various stages and in my being able to go to my "safe place" when feeling overwhelmed. It's all a process and definitely takes time and hard work in each phase.

It goes back to what i said before about not speaking up when things happen. He'll say something to me that'll piss me off and 5 - 6 wks will go by until i'll say something to him. i've gotten alot better and now usually will say something the next time I see him ideally the goal is to say something right when it happens.

From your posts it sounds as if you have made great progress in being able to recognize how you are feeling and confronting/expressing those negative feelings much more quickly. I hope that you can see that and feel encouraged by the progress you've worked hard towards. Keep it up!

 

[Heather]

And the other thing I should point out is a lot of what he says I misinterpret so it's good that I do check back with him a lot sooner especially because my ability to focus is so bad and i'm all over the map and a lot of times what i think i've heard him say is not what he's actually said at all. i've done that a few times - especially last time i saw him he was talking and i didn't know what the hell he was talking about - it's so bad lately

even trying to help my daughter do her math h.w. she's in the first grade forget it! I feel like an idiot. I can't wrap my brain around it. Especially if it's not straight forward and you have to think backwards in order to figure it out. Nope. Can't do it. I write ? more times on her paper. Her teacher must think I'm a retard. But when your brain in saturated with all this crap. it just won't let you think. very frustrating. to say the least. take care lam

 

[Iam]

I understand Heather. I had a really hard time focusing and understanding, sometimes it was so bad that I knew someone was talking to me, but I'd dissociate and literally couldn't hear what was being said. It is so good that you are recognizing what is happening. It will get easier. Thank God our T's do understand and can help us wade thru it. You'll get there.

(((HUGS)))

 

[BloomInWinter]

We struggle to help the kids with their homework, especially my daughter's math homework.

Do you have the option of having her do some of it while at school or daycare? Another kids with a parent you'd like to know better for a 'math playdate'?

There's a solution to be found somewhere, and your daughter will learn from your perserverance.

 

[Heather]

Bloom -
The school has been good and so has her teacher and yes whatever I can't do they do with her. My therapist says it's not me, because he has the same problem doing math with his daughter who is in 2nd grade...he says it's the "new" math...designed to make all parents feel completely and totally inadequate.

lam -
I did bring when I saw him earlier today about my avoiding and he said yes, that I do avoid alot and I pointed out that he allows me to do this and then he joked by saying that he needs me to stick around as a client so he can buy more lottery tickets until he hits the big one. I said you're supposed to be working yourself out of job not thinking of ways to keep yourself in one!;) This is how a typical sessions goes.lol When he did finally get down to being serious he did say he wanted me to try a relaxation/hypnosis something or other technique for five minutes while I listen to music....and visualize how I want my life to be and eventually it'll seep into my subconcious mind. He says his main goal is to raise my self-esteem as much as possible and wipe out all the crap that my parents told me from when I was a kid that's not true i.e. i'm ugly, stupid etc. asked me if i wanted to emdr and I said i'd think about it. might be worth a try to sit down with Nadine and talk about what it would entail. I saw her this morning while I was waiting for Larry and I almost asked her about it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

math...designed to make all parents feel completely and totally inadequate

THANK YOU!!! That is it, EXACTLY. Sheesh. Thought I'd at least be competent through 5th grade. :<

We too are blessed with a great school overall. That's good because...been so much I'm just not able to 'be' there for them on right now. Getting better, but still...I worry about it a lot.