When Your Partner Triggers You

[sweetface]

I've been looking for topics that discuss partners and carers, but I hate the word carer because I don't need 'care'. I need a partner - a real one who sticks by thick and thin.

I read where partners are dealing with triggers that set off their PTSD partner but most of that is dealing with the first trauma. What happens if in intimacy that the trigger is dealing WITH intimacy? Does anyone here have husbands/bf's or partners who trigger them? Does your partner go into denial that they trigger you? Do they ignore you? I read of how PTSD survivors ingore their 'carer' but I get ignored by my boyfriends when they trigger my issue. Basically, ignoring me is the trigger.... Anyone else have advise in dealing with this? How to handle it? How to screen men in the beginning who will absolutley understand so they don't trigger you again?

Each man I become intimate with leaves on a dime. One moment they discuss taking care of me for the rest of their life and loving me and protecting me and wanting life with me and the next, gone. My head spins and then the pit of dispair comes in and its all downard spiral then. I don't think I know how to convey to men that my trigger is abandonment as it seems most men never hear me in the beginning becaues they are sexually attracted and all important things go out the window. When the challenges set it as they do in all relationships the fact I have PTSD is not remembered and then I'm triggered all over. Any relationship that ends results in PTSD triggers. (I have complex PTSD based off childhood abandonment and rape) so I tell men what happens but then they bail. No warning, nothing.

When in relationships, all is fine, I rarely argue or anything but when they decide it's over or they want to 'take a break' all hell breaks loose and I can't control my anxiety.

Any advice on how to deal with this? In my life there are no 'carers'. My partners really don't care I guess but how do I screen that before I'm triggered again?

 

[Zzoe]

I have issues with fear of abandonment, and that has made me done some really stupid things over the years. Like staying in a loveless relationship when I knew I should have got out sooner, like falling apart EVERY time we argue because I'm so afraid that he'll leave me, holding things back when I should have said something in fear of loosing the one I love. My current boyfriend is the love of my life, we have stayed together for almost 4 years now, I love him so much and I know he loves me back. But still I can't say what ever I want to him, because I fear that he'll see me for the pathetick, litle person I sometimes feel like I am, and leave me. He try's to understand, but most of the time I can see that he doesn't know how to deal with this. Why can't I tell him whats on my mind? Why do I have so much trouble communicating my thoughts? And when I don't tell him whats going on, he sometimes thinks I'm holding back something and gets angry, and that triggers my fears even more..

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm not sure if I have the answer your looking for. But, it might do you some good to be alone for awhile until you have dealt with these issues of abandonment. I find it would be better if I was alone while dealing with my issues, but I was in the relationship prior to deciding that I would try and heal.

One thought on your question may be that you could hold out on having sex for at least 6 months. If this person sticks around that long without the sex, then chances are they won't abandon you as easily as the others. This gives both of you enough time to really get to know each other without sex messing with the emotions.

You stated that they are attracted to you, so they promise they will take care of you. This implies that they get what they want and then toss you aside? Again, hold out on sex until you feel this partner is reliable.

In my opinion it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. No one will be able to save you, but yourself. Looking for a knight in shinning armor is a fairytale and only a few, if anyone, gets to find this hero. With that said, I would work on my issues of abandonment first and think about finding a partner later on down the road.

Good luck!
Tammy

 

[sweetface]

I can see your point and I did exactly that. I worked on my issues for 12 years alone. AGes 19-31 and I also realized if abandonment is the trigger there is no way to heal it not being in a relationship. There is a book called Receiving Love and it discusses the illusion that healing relationship traumas are healed alone, no, the real healing happens IN relationships where the triggers are. Avoiding relationships to (heal) is just avoidance which is a symptom of PTSD anyway, so after 12 years of that - I mastered it.

This last man, I never slept with him. Just because they are attracted to me doesn't mean I sleep with them. We both started falling in love, but there was distance so having sex was no easy. We wanted to but it didn't happen. So, falling in love, being IN a relationship does NOT have to include sex for this trigger to happen. Intimacy is not sex, but sex includes intimacy-that is something I definately know.

Also, I've had loads of therapy on this. My issue is how to do you get a guy to totally understand what PTSD, to agree to try their best to not trigger me and when a challenge comes up, to actually discuss things instead of bolt. This last man, he was gaga over me and even said he didn't dserve me because I was 'too' beautiful. I know there are worthiness issues for him, but anyway - it was hard. We have decided just yesturday to be friends (after all the drama that happened) and to give it a 2 month cooling off period. Maybe after we both chill, we can discuss what happened and start over. I don't know.

I'm 38 and have been in 3 LTR's, so I'm not a loosy goosy. I don't have sex quickly.

 

[Auburngirl]

I related to your post in some ways because for me intimacy is also a trigger. It certainly makes things tricky. So far I've dated briefly and had one serious relationship since having CPTSD. I find that I need to warn men ahead of time what might happen when we get intimate, because if it's severe enough I won't be able to communicate in the moment. It makes starting a relationship pretty hard, daunting even.

 

[Nicolette]

Sweetface I don't have PTSD but will say this to you....in my personal opinion the only way you will get over your intimacy problem is to 'experience' a 'new experience'. By that I mean you have to give yourself and someone else another chance and try and live a 'good' experience. It is only when you know that you can go through such an event without being abused etc can you truly let go of the past...either that or come to an acceptance that not everyone is the same as people who have hurt you in the past but that then raises trust issues as well.

You just need to find the right man.......... :rolleyes:

 

[Auburngirl]

Nicolette - I have had new and good experiences, but it's not always that simple. When certain aspects of intimacy are triggers even though you consciously know you won't be harmed, the brain can react in weird ways, certain position throw me into panic attacks 80% plus of the time.

I think exposure and new experiences are part of it, but also finding new safe things to do, so that you are not afraid of everything, creating ways when you are intimate to be able to identify your partner so that you don't mix up the experience (ie having the light on so you can see their face, deliberately doing things differently than when you were traumatised, etc.).

I found gradually fewer and fewer things triggered me, and tried to hold onto the really good experiences. Thing have definitely improved, but there is absolutely a long road ahead. It's not that I don't trust my partner - I do. But my brain has been wired to react extremely to anything that even remotely resembles what happened before. Having good communication with your partner is critical as is beign with someone who is quite patient.