Do you like to be sexually teased by your partner?

[Friday]

So, I suppose everyone's 'flirt' or 'tease' language is different.

Exactly.

 

[OliveJewel]

The worse you look?
- The more you get hit on by strangers

This is probably part of the reason why my ex couldn’t stand for me to be out of his sight. And why he had such a conundrum and obsession with controlling my clothes and appearance.

 

[Friday]

This is probably part of the reason why my ex couldn’t stand for me to be out of his sight. And why he had such a conundrum and obsession with controlling my clothes and appearance.

IDK.

I’ve dated an awful lot of very alpha super bossy control freaks. Love and adore the type, to be honest. NONE of them treated me the way your ex treated you.

 

[OliveJewel]

alpha super bossy control freaks. Love and adore the type,

Was jealousy a part of their personality? Or is jealousy unrelated? Did they trust you?

 

[No More]

I am big on the build up. If someone says to me hey let’s have sex tonight/tomorrow/Saturday it’s like oh no. Hell no. Frozen over no.
But, a little touch in the morning, a few dirty texts, lil bit of evening frustration and I am on for it. Part of the fun is knowing what gets your partner, and if it’s someone you don’t know well then it’s fun finding out what they react to. I won’t get a guy all the way rock hard and then absolutely walk away. Like once the teasing starts - there will be sex.

As for the clothing discussion, I’ve had guys that are mad for baggy tracksuits with lingerie hiding underneath - best of both! But yea, I would say certain underwear that I probably wouldn’t wear to work? it’s on.

 

[No More]

Coming back to this having thought a bit more. How does everyone else define sexual teasing VS normal intimate relationship.
Being explicit here, touching my partners behind if say, he’s bending down, or going up stairs, maybe a squeeze here and there, not sexual teasing - standard intimacy. Climbing on his lap and unzipping my top and saying a few dirty words - most definitely sexual teasing.

We joke in my job always wear the nice pants bc you never know when your clothes are going to be cut off. So for me? Nice lacy underwear isn’t really a tease, we’d be talking the intended-only-for-removal- stuff. Maybe for others it is??

I don’t know how much my own stuff is being brought into this.

 

[OliveJewel]

er no.
But, a little touch in the morning, a few dirty texts, lil bit of evening frustration and I am on for it.

This makes sense, I think.

Like once the teasing starts - there will be sex.

Am confused a bit because the stuff you mentioned above seems like teasing but then this…

sexual teasing VS normal intimate relationship.
Being explicit here, touching my partners behind if say, he’s bending down, or going up stairs, maybe a squeeze here and there, not sexual teasing - standard intimacy.

Is a very helpful distinction for me! Thinking about this idea of standard intimacy. Standard intimacy is an expression of sexuality but not in an overt “now-is-the-time” way, I think is what you and others are saying. But sexual teasing is like sitting on the lap, pushing your butt into someone, flashing… etc. I think!

don’t know how much my own stuff is being brought into this.

What I am asking is very personal so I don’t know how you could not bring your own stuff into the conversation! Thank you for your perspective. That is my goal—to hear others’ perspectives and help me understand the range of human responses to sexual teasing as part of my sexual healing.

 

[Friday]

Was jealousy a part of their personality? Or is jealousy unrelated? Did they trust you?

Some were naturally jealous creatures, some weren’t. All were/are territorial as all hell. But that showed in things like placing their hand on the small of your back as you’re walking or they walk up to you and someone else; or the side hug/lean, or being pulled down onto the arm of a chair, or on their knee, whilst talking to others in a group type thing. All of the “MINE” gestures men do around other men.

((Territorial women have similar/different nonverbal -as well as far more verbal, and often tonal- cues they use around other women. The octave-slide always puts my teeth on edge, but I suppose that’s the point, after all. Yes, yes. We get it. They’re yours. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, resume a normal speaking voice >.<))

NONE of them directed that jealousy at me, like it was my fault… I’ve seen plenty of assholes do that, but even when I made a point of dating assholes (I was tired of breaking hearts) that wasn’t behavior I tolerated long enough to actually be dating them.

It’s one of the things I enjoy about dating alpha-males. As the typical-alpha-male doesn’t get threatened even when they’re jealous. They get smug. And possessive/sparkly/turned on. Why, yes. That IS mine. I KNOW it’s fast/ beautiful/ smart/ delicious/ desirable/ whatever. Whether it’s their partner or their lunch order, their car or career; other people coveting their choices? Is just the normal course of things.

Abusive, insecure, f*cks? Objectify, instead. You’re not “I know, she’s amazing, right?” 🤩 with pride in their voice, because they really ARE proud of you & your accomplishments & what you bring to the table & of being your partner… but are -instead- a reflection OF them, somehow? And a poor reflection, at that. Like how DARE you not look your best / encourage other people to look/talk/whatever. (Have to hit some kind of invisible moving target, of looking good enough to be seen with, but not so good that anyone else would show any interest <casts eyes skyward>). All about them, all the time. And how you reflect them to themselves in others eyes. Ditto any sort of intellectual, emotional, interpersonal skill that anyone else might admire, or that might surpass their own). Heaven forbid you “make” them feel less than, or threatened, or whatever.

 

[No More]

Is a very helpful distinction for me! Thinking about this idea of standard intimacy. Standard intimacy is an expression of sexuality but not in an overt “now-is-the-time” way, I think is what you and others are saying. But sexual teasing is like sitting on the lap, pushing your butt into someone, flashing… etc. I think!

Yes - so for me standard intimacy is a display of affection for my partner. A way of building closeness and relationship & showing desire for their body. It may lead into sexual teasing and then onto sex, but in and of itself is not any sort of tease nor would I expect it to lead directly to sex.

A tease for me is intended to directly turn someone on, basically an ‘I want you, now!’ or to build desire for later in the day if we are both otherwise occupied with work. A tease for me needs to lead to same day sex, otherwise it goes from being a fun and pleasurable activity into frustration. And while a little bit (couple hours) of build up frustration makes the act better, total denial afterwards is shite and no fun for anyone.

 

[Friday]

A tease for me is intended to directly turn someone on, basically an ‘I want you, now!’ or to build desire for later in the day if we are both otherwise occupied with work. A tease for me needs to lead to same day sex, otherwise it goes from being a fun and pleasurable activity into frustration. And while a little bit (couple hours) of build up frustration makes the act better, total denial afterwards is shite and no fun for anyone.

Ditto.

 

[beaneeboo]

I am curious if you like to be sexually teased by your partner even when it doesn’t lead to sex. Or is it frustrating for your partner to tease you and then not have sex with you? I am learning about intimacy.

I was thinking that maybe even if you don’t have sex if it is an intímate partner then sexual teasing could just make life more fun because you know that you will always be having more sex eventually. But my ex felt like I was frustrating him when I didn’t follow through and go all the way. I know it depends on the person and the dynamics but I’m trying to understand if there is such a thing as stable healthy intimacy in general or if there are so many variables that it’s hard to generalize.

I think so many variables it's hard to generalise... and check in with each other as to what feels fair and right to do...

 

[OliveJewel]

me needs to lead to same day sex, otherwise it goes from being a fun and pleasurable activity into frustration.

Yes, makes a lot of sense! And I think that’s how I think it ought to be as well. When I was with my asshat ex nearly any gesture of standard intimacy was met with a demand for immediate sex so it became a very delicate dance of words and behaviors and trying to appease often enough to keep him satiated. After he was fulfilled I had a window where I could give standard intimacy without the pressure.

@Friday everything you said was helpful. I could picture it. I have a friend who has an alpha type boyfriend and he is totally fine with her having men friends and going out with friends and that was eye-opening to me.