It's been going on for so long and through most of our marriage that he has just gotten used to it
Ayesha I have had to deal with PTSD for all of my relationship with Anthony. Am I used to it, yes as in the knowledge, the symptoms, having to be alert and aware but at the same time it is never exactly the same so I can't go and think X,Y and Z will happen.
As you yourself know, PTSD is unpredictable and levels of stress vary so what tips someone with the illness over the edge one week may not the other. So, do you get used to it yes, but there's always a curly one in there which gets you by surprise.
Anthony has better managed PTSD since I met him so he has changed and I am most grateful for that as it takes its toll on your very being even as a supporter. You have to come to some sort of acceptance that the illness will always be there otherwise you are setting yourself up for a rude shock and disappointment as a Supporter so I don't know if that is what your mean by you saying your husband is 'used to it'.
I think he is also confusing me being sick with who I actually am as a person.
The illness does not define the person, well not in my eyes, but it is interesting working out which 'traits' are the illness and which are the person. Anthony for example is arrogant but when suffering he can be a right royal cow. At times like this it is hard to not link the symptoms with who the person is or the opposite and the symptoms are the person. It can become a tangled web if you had no before like Amethist.... It's only every been PTSD so I don't know Anthony any other way which sounds the same for your husband. I think PTSD tends to exacerbate a person's less desirable qualities. :cautious: I think you have to give your husband time to become comfortable with the 'new' you. See, if you don't manage yourself you fall over; if we don't always factor the illness into our thinking we could end up feeling very sorry for ourselves and you too if we stress you out and cause you illness - the last thing we ever intentionally want to do.
You have to lower your expectations of people when they are sick.
I used to have to deal with the bulk of all the things which needed attending to but I have slowly handed them back with relief as it promoted growth in self management. I feel that I make allowances when someone is 'sick' for the duration of them being sick but life still goes on and there are things which just have to be done. The mistake I see which some supporters is they make too many allowances and have low expectations which actually hinders the relationship. I don't know what your husband thought. Sick with PTSD to me is when you are not functioning at what the 'normal' is. For example
I get you can't mop the floor today but you have to do it when you can. I will do it for you if it becomes something which cannot wait but I will not take it on as my chore when it is yours.
Is there any advice you can give my husband or me when your sufferer feels better?
I think you have to let him know you can do more and prove it and consistently so. You and he will then find a new equilibrium and 'normal'. I would suggest you ease yourself back into 'the new you' and give him room to feel safe with that.... I recall being used to fearing dates, times and situations based on what I was used to. It was only the constant delightful surprise that eventually gave me the faith to let go and trust all was well.
As much as we are creatures of habit life is continually evolving and changing..... sometimes some people just need more time and patience to adjust than others. Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. So, in saying that Ayesha, just as your husband has had to be patient with your recovery he and you need to now give each other time to be patient with change and not hold unrealistic expectations as otherwise what brought you together will be lost if you one of you suddenly acts dramatically differently.
Oh, and my automatic Supporter hat reaction to 'feels better' does not always mean 'is better' so again only time of consistency at a reasonable level would let me hang my hat up on that and believe it after a long time of dealing with the opposite. That's just my thoughts based on my experience with the illness. Hope it helps.
