Other Where Do I Fit In?

[TonyG]

Since starting on this site I have been searching for a story like mine, I was the first on the scene of a horrible road accident and I was unable to do anything, it was horrific. I talked to the passenger and gave him comfort as he slowly died, there were four in the car but I could only see three I can now only describe it as a mess, It was dark on a country road 30 years ago and the nearest house with a phone was 5km away I wanted to go and get help but the victim begged me to stay.

 

[radicalgratitude]

It has to be frustrating to not find someone who shares your story on here. What you went through sounds awful! I'm so sorry that happened.

As far as how you handled the situation at the time, you did the right thing! It sounds like the victim knew he was going to die, and wanted you there for comfort, which is what you gave him. While there was nothing you could do to save his life, and for that reason you felt powerless, I don't think you can put a price tag on emotional support. You gave him "comfort care" to use the words of hospice programs. If you had left, he probably would have died before the medical crew arrived on the scene anyway. There is a lot of research to back up "staying with the victim." It's not like you could have pointed to the probably immobile other people in the car and said, "You go call 911!" So you did the right thing by providing him with a good quality of life for his last remaining moments on Earth.

You DO fit in here. A trauma is a trauma. PTSD is PTSD. When I watch programs of veterans talking about their PTSD, I don't relate to the specific events, but you can bet that I can relate to how they are coping/not coping.

Here is a good definition of trauma as described by a treatment program I attended:

"Chances are that whoever you are, you or someone you know has been affected by trauma. To put it simply, the scary, painful and yucky stuff that happens is what trauma is made of. Often, people believe that trauma always pertains to war. Though war is definitely traumatic, there are other events that can have the same effect on us. Verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse, being the victim of or witnessing a violent crime, responding to a horrific emergency call, natural disasters, and car accidents are some examples of traumatic events. We all know the stories. Those of people we know-- they may be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, clients, movie stars, musicians, athletes, and people on the evening news. Some of us know the stories all too well, because those stories are our own."
-Link Removed

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My trauma isn't all that unusual as far as traumas go, but I do understand why you want to find someone just like you. My entire life I felt different. Even though others had similar traumas, I still felt very different from them. I don't know how exactly it happened, but I somehow found my "trauma twin" as I like to refer to him as... He was just one of those people who came along at the exact moment you needed them. Same trauma, done by the same figure in his life, at the same age, with the same family circumstances. The similarities were incredible, and even if I actively looked for someone who was just as similar as me, I wouldn't be able to find them in a thousand years. Its funny though, after I found him, I stopped feeling alone. I haven't had that distancing feeling of me vs the world.

Maybe you'll find someone just like you, and maybe you won't. Regardless, you do fit in here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I was a medic and went on many fatal accidents, especially when it snowed (I lived in Colorado at the time). I know it's a little different as I was trained to do the job, but holding a crushed little 5 year old that was so mangled you couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl was one of the worst.

I have held the hands of people dying numerous times. Thing is, I was completely detached and felt nothing, where as you seem to be able to feel and share, which gives you the upper hand in the healing process.

@Solara is right though, trauma is trauma and being on this forum is a great first step to feeling less alone.

Hang in there. :)

 

[Friday]

I was already in PTSD-land with my first CentralAm accident. Where we were the laws were written that if anyone stopped at the scene of the accident, they assumed all responsibility for the medical costs for the people injured. As such, most of the time, people didn't stop. And if no one stopped, no help was called. Broad daylight, in clear view, and nobody would even slow down. At the time, I had exceptionally inadequate training to help at all. These weren't the kinds of injuries I was trained to stop-gap until more competant help arrived. I probably hurt more than I helped. I know I did. Being sick to f*cking death of people dying who don't need to, and specifically my own guilt... Is part of my stuff. As is learning to look away.

My life... Is mine. So many people have had so much worse and so much better. In my own life, though, it's the differences that create distance & the similarities that create strength. I need strength right now. I'm about plumb out. I've spent a very long time focusing on the differences as an excuse (for me, not saying you are) to protect myself. Put up another wall. Just... Be careful. From experience, none of us are the same. There's always something different. Something off. Those aren't the parts that help. It's the resonance.

 

[anthony]

There are other stories on here like yours, I remember them, thus people, who are civilian first responders to accidents, incidents, suicides and such. The keyword is more likely "first responder" "found them dead" "found him shot" and such terms. That is the crux, being the first on scene to something you have no training to deal with, thus nothing you can do.

I do remember some of these discussion are also private... but the members exist here.

 

[TonyG]

Thanks Anthony