Sometimes I forget to breathe. Not on purpose. Just happens. Then it takes me a good 5 minutes to catch my breath again because of my lungs which are in crappy shape thanks to Scuttlebutt.(Found this to be my new form of avoidance. If I say/type his name I go into a flashback. Humph.) I do this a few times a day. Annoying.
****This is me avoiding what I really want to say. Stay with me****
My memory which is usually so prefect I have to work to forget things, has gone in the toilet. I couldn't remember if I'd called my lawyer. I remember I was going to after therapy for a very good reason. But couldn't remember the reason. Or if I had done it. Or anything about it until my T asked. And now I'm stuck wondering if I called. I'm not the person to call and say "Hi this is - did I call last week in a trance saying off the wall things? No, I really can't remember. Would you like to have me committed now or later?"
***Humph. Almost there.***
I have separation anxiety from my dog. Seriously. If he isn't there. I can't function. I need him next to me constantly to feel, anything.
**Here it is**
I've spent most of the weekend on here. Trying to find some reason not to self harm. I wanted/want to. Really really want to. Even still. Got some really great advice. From some really great people. Yet, it has diminished the urge.
I cut my thumb on a can of yams in November. It felt so, wonderful. That night was the best I'd had in a long time. No flashbacks or disassociation. True I have a scar all the way down my thumb. But Small price for a great feeling.
I know it's addictive like a drug to cut. I know I will regret it. But again, the urge is still there.
I will get into the why in a moment.
Today I came on here, looking for support. Found it. Felt better. Play a game with the family. Blasted family. WHy you gotta mess it up?
I've been in massive pain all week. So despite the 101.5 fever I decided to take a shower. I did. Next thing I knew the water was ice and I was standing there with my razor, an hour later. No blood. No cut. And my fever was gone.
Now to the why.
Monday, move my sister out of her house and away from her alcoholic abusive husband.
Tuesday, have to leave the house by 4am to get to the hospital by 6am. didn't actual sit down until almost 2am Wednesday morning. Spent that night with my two sisters helping with the army of kids.
Wednesday, my sister goes back to the abusive alcoholic husband saying (Me being away isn't helping anyone" ah well it's keeping you and the kids safe. Whatever. Just lost my main support system as I can't make myself be over there anymore. The fighting is too much. But whatever.
Thursday, I found that I was missing chunks of time from my week. Threw me off. I found that the roads were awful. Nothing new there. Just hate it. Decided we were gonna move somewhere new. great. Until I realized this means a new T. Don't want that. Thought that it would be at least 3 weeks before another session. Due to my work schedule. Don't want that either. (work was cancelled this week. They are traveling).
Friday. Who really like New Years Eve? Especially when you spend it with family and aren't 21 so drinking is more than put of the question. I can't do my sister who is just older than me. I say anything no matter what it is and she rips me to pieces. I feel like s**t after spending an hour with her. Yet in my nightmares she is the one who "helps" me. Which becomes ironic as she did a lot of the physical abusing of me as a child.
Saturday, more of the same. My innocent (adopted by knowing her since birth) little sister was taken to the ER passed out with a 3.43 alcohol blood level. She's only 14. Broke my heart. My mom yells at me for stating that I don't like to go to the store alone. That's all I said. She has 2 feet. why can't she do it. It was crap for her anyways. Grr.
The stomach pain of unknown origin mixed with the physical pain of ptsd combined with the uncontrollable fever. I'm in pretty bad shape. I'm taking 800mg of ibuprofen every 4-6 hours and its not touching the pain. Well it does. for about an hour. then it comes back and brings friend. and the fever might go down .5 then is back up. So frustrating. When can I be unsick again. Just for a day? Hour? 12 minutes?
Now I will continue to distract myself. But not with TV as the commercials trigger me today. Why does it have to work like this?
"Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me, but all you're ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?"- Mean, Taylor Swift.
****This is me avoiding what I really want to say. Stay with me****
My memory which is usually so prefect I have to work to forget things, has gone in the toilet. I couldn't remember if I'd called my lawyer. I remember I was going to after therapy for a very good reason. But couldn't remember the reason. Or if I had done it. Or anything about it until my T asked. And now I'm stuck wondering if I called. I'm not the person to call and say "Hi this is - did I call last week in a trance saying off the wall things? No, I really can't remember. Would you like to have me committed now or later?"
***Humph. Almost there.***
I have separation anxiety from my dog. Seriously. If he isn't there. I can't function. I need him next to me constantly to feel, anything.
**Here it is**
I've spent most of the weekend on here. Trying to find some reason not to self harm. I wanted/want to. Really really want to. Even still. Got some really great advice. From some really great people. Yet, it has diminished the urge.
I cut my thumb on a can of yams in November. It felt so, wonderful. That night was the best I'd had in a long time. No flashbacks or disassociation. True I have a scar all the way down my thumb. But Small price for a great feeling.
I know it's addictive like a drug to cut. I know I will regret it. But again, the urge is still there.
I will get into the why in a moment.
Today I came on here, looking for support. Found it. Felt better. Play a game with the family. Blasted family. WHy you gotta mess it up?
I've been in massive pain all week. So despite the 101.5 fever I decided to take a shower. I did. Next thing I knew the water was ice and I was standing there with my razor, an hour later. No blood. No cut. And my fever was gone.
Now to the why.
Monday, move my sister out of her house and away from her alcoholic abusive husband.
Tuesday, have to leave the house by 4am to get to the hospital by 6am. didn't actual sit down until almost 2am Wednesday morning. Spent that night with my two sisters helping with the army of kids.
Wednesday, my sister goes back to the abusive alcoholic husband saying (Me being away isn't helping anyone" ah well it's keeping you and the kids safe. Whatever. Just lost my main support system as I can't make myself be over there anymore. The fighting is too much. But whatever.
Thursday, I found that I was missing chunks of time from my week. Threw me off. I found that the roads were awful. Nothing new there. Just hate it. Decided we were gonna move somewhere new. great. Until I realized this means a new T. Don't want that. Thought that it would be at least 3 weeks before another session. Due to my work schedule. Don't want that either. (work was cancelled this week. They are traveling).
Friday. Who really like New Years Eve? Especially when you spend it with family and aren't 21 so drinking is more than put of the question. I can't do my sister who is just older than me. I say anything no matter what it is and she rips me to pieces. I feel like s**t after spending an hour with her. Yet in my nightmares she is the one who "helps" me. Which becomes ironic as she did a lot of the physical abusing of me as a child.
Saturday, more of the same. My innocent (adopted by knowing her since birth) little sister was taken to the ER passed out with a 3.43 alcohol blood level. She's only 14. Broke my heart. My mom yells at me for stating that I don't like to go to the store alone. That's all I said. She has 2 feet. why can't she do it. It was crap for her anyways. Grr.
The stomach pain of unknown origin mixed with the physical pain of ptsd combined with the uncontrollable fever. I'm in pretty bad shape. I'm taking 800mg of ibuprofen every 4-6 hours and its not touching the pain. Well it does. for about an hour. then it comes back and brings friend. and the fever might go down .5 then is back up. So frustrating. When can I be unsick again. Just for a day? Hour? 12 minutes?
Now I will continue to distract myself. But not with TV as the commercials trigger me today. Why does it have to work like this?
"Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me, but all you're ever gonna be is mean. Why you gotta be so mean?"- Mean, Taylor Swift.
