Where Would I Be If....

[lostforgottensoul]

You've nailed blame?

It did shift recently with Anthony's help, its just now im left with what feels like raw rage & its directed to me...im struggling w/ how to move it.

Maybe i am getting ahead of myself. I just thought that maybe if i thiught of what they took from me then maybe i could shift the anger, thats all.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

there's nothing saying you can't go to college yet, or have a family. You're not exactly old. It's perfectly ok to come up with a plan for the rest of your life and work at going for it.

I wont be able to adopt, not now, not w/ the pain i have and the money i make as a single person BUT looking towards the future wasnt the point really. Its the anger thats just there squarely directed to me, i dont know how to move that to whom it should be directed towars.

 

[Sideways]

Iddy biddy baby steps with your anger, because you've got a helluva lotta it to burn. You're gonna be a raging bull when that anger shifts unless we master the emotional regulation in the meantime!

And anyways, it is shifting. Like a car going over a speed bump, you only notice the "thwack" when the car hits the ground on the other side, but it's slowly climbing over that speed bump already, it's just too subtle for you to notice yet:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Iddy biddy baby steps with your anger, because you've got a helluva lotta it to burn.

Yes i do but wouldnt it but a good start to see what they took from me? Like sorta a blame thing but directing the anger there? Thats where im going w/ it anyway.

 

[Sideways]

I'm still working the "Write them a letter" exercise. It's a letter that you write (but don't post) where you go as nuts as you like at them, telling them about all the things they stole from you (eg a happy childhood) and you let yourself go telling them how unacceptable that is...

And then you read it back to yourself.

I always get side-tracked, but I'm getting better at getting out at least a couple of angry paragraphs.

Take it easy though, there's no medal for first place, and you have to do something new with that anger when you do get to the point that it's finally shifted.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm still working the "Write them a letter" exercise. It's a letter that you write (but don't post) where you go as nuts as you like at them, telling them about all the things they stole from you (eg a happy childhood) and you let yourself go telling them how unacceptable that is...

That was the point in this, 'cept this wasnt 'the letter' but a thought...and that was my therapist's point. He thought of an idea of me writing my mother a letter and mailing it, not gonna happen, and then he said write it and dont mail it...what if i post it and just state what they stole from me? That was the point in this 'where would i be if' post and just bad with words.

So from what im gathering from the letter thing, then thats not a bad thing.

 

[Sideways]

Not a bad thing as far as I can figure. If it is then I've been given a bum steer as well!

 

[Sideways]

And writing, rather than just thinking, may be more cumbersome, but it's more helpful with processing in this sort of context. Science thing - you're using far more parts of your brain when you write, and the gold standard is to actually read out loud when you read over stuff because you're using more of your brain again...though, your neighbors might get a little unsettled!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Ragdoll Circus i was planning on wrting it, here & the other site and i read a lot of things outloud to my therapist that i post, but not sure how much i process as im dyslexic. This was just the thought of "hey, how does this sound" sorta thing. Im just bad w/ words and worded it wrong i think.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

im horrible with words.

Here was my entire point:

Blame has finally shifted off me onto maybe 2 months ago. Since ive been working with some DBT, some negitive thought record, some CBT, some processing, and talking to my "inner child" in an attempt to hopefully one day grieve "her"...BUT im left with this massive raw rage and its aimed directly at me. Blame shifted but the rage hasnt.

So my therapist had stated to write a letter to my mom and mail it, not gonna happen, he said write it and not mail it...thats where this thought came from.

So i had a thought, if i could write (this isnt it, this is just the thought) of all the things they took from me, all the things that is happening now because of them, all the things i didnt get to do & missed out on, all the hell i have to go through now, if I can voice what was taken from me, what I could have been if allowed to go to college at 18, if they didnt force an abortion w/ a BBQ fork leaving me unable to have kids, if i didnt have these automatic thoughts & an automatic brain that i have no control over (and that im very pissed about but have no clue how to change), if i was never forced to kill animals so that i now hear that distrincive scream every night amd wake up to it every morning and unconsciencly while petting my cat find myself looking for her jugular, if none of this happened, if my mother loved me, if i was loved at all...how would my life be different? Its not future telling, its about venting the raw rage and seeing if that cant aim it more towards them and not me. Its the only thought i had that could possibly change that. Wouldnt putting a voice to that help to start to turn the raw rage now directed at me more towards them?

Because what im doing isnt working, all im doing is trying disfuse something thats not disfusing. Even if they cant hear it, if i say it, TO THEM, wouldnt that help? Ive seen some do that on here. I get i need to take it slow but i feel i need to tell them some how even if they never see it.

 

[Sideways]

I totally get what you're saying. The "letter" is really just a nice simple way of specifically addressing your anger at the right people. Practicing being angry at them. Knowing that it will never get sent gives you freedom to be as cold, heartless and irrational as your anger needs you to be. And you can do the exercise more than once over time, maybe come back to it later and you might find that you've developed more insight into just what their abuse has cost you, and the different ways it makes you angry.

"What if" is just a language thing. Pick whatever words are comfortable. When I do this exercise (badly), I tend to focus on what was actually taken: my virginity, my innocence, my childhood, my self-worth - but that's just what I feel I need to get angry about. If you don't plan to send it, and it's just a tool you're using to express your anger, there are no limits. You're entitled to feel angry about whatever you damn please:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wrote it. Feeling that rage in the deepest pit of my stomach. I know i didnt even let out but just a fraction of it but i let it out some...to her, not me but her!