Which came first...the chicken or the egg

[T2L]

First off, I apologise for any major typos. I keep seeing double vision today which is making text very difficult.

I had an experience today that confused me. I'm unfortunately used to dissociating and flashbacks of various forms and to various degrees. I've had emotional flashbacks and body memories, which lead to visual flashbacks. Typically I'm aware of them coming on.

Well, today I essentially woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was moody, irritable, and just hating things. There was nothing or anyone this was directed towards, not even thoughts. I didn't think it was an emotional flashback at the time. I tried to distract myself with multiple tasks at work. This worked for a while and I went to "neutral," but then out of no where the body memories and pain hit. I froze and lost all track of what I was doing and where I was. Luckily a small part of me was present enough to say "you're in your office, you're safe." I closed my door so I could feel less exposed and tried to continue with work.

Finally the physical pain stopped, but that irritability from earlier was replaced with anger, wanting to harm myself, frustration, and wanting to cry. I did none of those and stayed late at the office so I wouldn't be alone at home left to my devices.

I guess the question is were the emotions from the morning connected to the body memories and I just can't make the connection? Or maybe they just made me vulnerable for the flashbacks to surface? I feel I'm missing something. I over analyze things and always want to figure out the "why" and trigger so I can work through it.

I see my therapist Friday so I'll be able to bring it up with her, but I wanted to see if others have suggestions or similar experiences. I'm highly confused.

 

[Mach123]

Since you are new it's hard to comment, not knowing where you are in the process except to say it is just that, a process. Yes, you're thinking too much and yes, that's perfectly normal and at least you had it together enough to do some rational things about how you were feeling. You just have to go along with it. It's hard. Good luck with the therapist and I hope you feel better.

 

[T2L]

Thank you for the support. I've struggled with PTSD responses for decades but didn't learn what they were or why I was responding in certain ways. I didn't realize it was c-PTSD until a year or two. I finally found a therapist within theI past few months that i fully click with, am honest about my feelings and experiences, and share all I can. I guess although I've struggled with PTSD for a long time, I'm just now starting to deal with it and process things. I guess it's the "it gets worse before it gets better" stage.