Whinge Whine Moan - Feel Free Not To Read - Just Want To Vent

[Sighs]

Sigh!

At the risk of sounding like a whinging spoiled brat...

My birthday is coming up. Its around Easter. When I was a kid we always had relatives come and stay for the Easter holidays. It always made my birthday take a back seat. By the time my brother's birthday came around 10 days later the visitors were always gone and a big deal was made of his birthday. (Just an example of the bigger issue - my brother was pretty openly the favourite child.)

My vet is not really aware of any of that and he doesn't make a big deal out of birthdays anyway, but he had mentioned taking me out to dinner which would be nice.

Last night a mate of his phoned wanting to come and stay for a few days. They agreed that his mate and some other mate of his mate would come up for 4 days - including my birthday. After it was all agreed my vet turned to me and said "P and his mate are going to come up from the Thurs to the Tues. Is that ok?" I said "oh well, it'll have to be won't it". He said "why? what's wrong with that" I said "I thought we had plans on the Tues but its fine I can go by myself." He picked up the phone immediately and called his mate back and said "sorry mate - I f*cked up - Tues is Sighs' birthday - can you come from the Thurs to the Mon? Ok - thanks - you saved me from being hung drawn and quartered"

So... why don't I feel good that as soon as he realised he changed his plans and sorted it? Instead I feel sad that he obviously didn't realise it was my birthday (I know - lots of men are cr*p with dates - it doesn't mean he doesn't love me) and angry that he made out to his mate that I was going to haul him over the coals when in fact I'm in the background going "its fine - if they're leaving on the Tues we can still go out to dinner after they leave and I'm working anyway so they may as well be here during the day". Again - example of bigger picture - he often makes out to his mates that I crack the whip and run the show when nothing could be further from the truth. I hate it.

Okay - rant over! I realise its a first world problem and not even worth getting upset about but that's how I feel.

 

[Ronin]

To be honest, I'd read his line simply as 'ok thanks, you helped me out'. Not 'you helped me from that terrible b*tch'. I don't remember right now what that is called, but just a figure of speech (hyperbole?) that isn't meaning much. So I wouldn't worry about the impression you're giving because the line doesn't read that deep to begin with.

Edited to add: You could see him talking about how strict you are as praise. He's openly admitting he's giving you the control in the relationship. That requires helluva lot respect to begin with. He's not saying you're unreasonable: he's saying you're reasonable enough he trusts you with his life, big and small.

 

[illusionist]

Try seeing it in a different light.....humour. I know that my partner talks like this to his mates at the flying club, they all do it....it's just what some men do. When he says anything like that I just join in with the humour and actually encourage it. They know and we know that's not what I'm like.

 

[Sighs]

I suspect that its some kind of convoluted male code. ie: I can joke with you about what a b*tch my missus is in front of her which proves to you that in fact she is not a b*tch because if I were really henpecked then I wouldn't be able to joke like this.

 

[illusionist]

Next time he says anything like that just say " oooh in your dreams darling" and give him a wink.

 

[Em C.]

I would feel bad about that too, but the "hung drawn and quartered" I would see as a way to make the friend not freak out. IE if I don't want to go somehwere I'll say "sorry my mom is being a b*tch and I need to stay in tonight" or "sorry my friend really needs me." He could be scapegoating. And when you said "I thought we had plans" did you have to mention your birthday or did he remember from that?

Either way this must make you sad, so *hugs*

 

[Sighs]

When I said "I thought we had plans for [insert date of birthday]" he kinda looked at me for a second and then the penny dropped. I guess its more about my issues than what he did or said. This Christmas just gone my parents, my brother and my daughter did not send me so much as a Christmas card. I expect they will not bother with my birthday either. It makes me feel like I'm not important to anyone. Like I said - my issue not his.

Thanks @Em C. for the hugs!

 

[Friday]

Most of the good men I've been with have had a similar 'get out of jail free card'. It's light hearted, it's fun, and it's an honest way of saying "I f*cked up! Help me out!" that spares their friends feelings / puts them to feeling useful, instead of unwanted... Meanwhile it still showed how much I was valued, put first, and given (theoretical) power & right to crack the whip. Lol. Good energy all around.

My ex? He would whine to his friends. She's making me do blah blah blah. Sigh I have to do ...this. (Gag).

It was f*cking awful. Especially because it didn't matter if I honestly wanted him there, or not! I could be isolating, and want the time to myself, and he'd mope to his friends about how he's making this huge sacrifice for me. (My eyes just rolled back so far in my head I almost seized).

It was this petulant, guilt tripping, horrible thing. Ugh. I found myself wanting to justify to his friends why I needed boyo to stay home and help me with the baby while I had food poisoning... Or wanted him to take me out on my birthday... Or wanted the f*cked gone, please-please-please take him! I don't want him here!!! LOL. In retrospect, but a serious laugh on that one.

And *blushes* it's kind of infected all my other relationships since. ((Yet more proof that when some things start to grow on you? Scrape. Them. Off.)) Not even dating relationships, but all my relationships. It doesn't matter who it is, the knee jerk is my ex's whine to get away from me overlaid on everything.

So... Good on him for immediately diving to the phone & correcting!
&... Good on you for recognizing its past history stuff / your issues & not letting them ruin your fun!

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Men cannot be understood. The sooner you realize, the better.

My husband has friend he called him his brother when he talks to me, now how does he call him when talking to him? Bastard, Asshole, Idiot, things like this. That friend gave him a present - something he loved. Know what my husband said "Oh, f*ck you, old bastard. Do I have to bother and try and find something you like now?" and gave him a little knock over the head.

My husband likes to pretend I have some kind of command over him, very much like what you describe. I used to be offended by it until I realized that this is how some men show their feelings.

Sorry to hear you did not get a present from your daughter and brother, but then she is special needs, isn't she?

 

[illusionist]

I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on the effort being made by your partner. I'm in much the same boat and my birthday is around the same time as yours. It does emphasize negative things but I too will be focusing hard on the efforts my partner is preparing for my birthday weekend...they do deserve our utmost appreciation and not have their efforts coloured by our emotions of others.

 

[Sighs]

So... his mates ended up coming up on the Friday and staying til the Sunday. On Sunday afternoon as they were packing up my vet said to me "P has invited me to go down to his place for Monday and Tuesday, but I'm not sure what to do with the dogs." I said "This week?" He said "yeah". I said "as in tomorrow???" He said "yeah". I looked at him very hard and said "riigghhhtttt" and walked off. Took a full 2 seconds for the penny to drop and for him to come running inside after me going "no no I meant next week, obviously next week cos Monday is your birthday silly!" Um. No, actually Tuesday is my birthday and I'm not fooled for a second. You forgot that the whole reason your mates weren't staying til Tuesday is because it was my birthday and you two morons decided you would go down to his place instead. WTF. :banghead: