Who Am I And What Am I Doing Here?

[Tosh]

I feel really lost. I grew up with a traumatic childhood, father was an alcohalic. My brother and mother was physially and emotionally abusive to me. I moved out at 17 (I felt relieved to get out of there at first) and in with my exboyfriend who physically and emotionally abused me till I was 24. It's been two years since I got out and I've been in a safe environment. I have no idea of who I am without having to be in survival mode.I start ten different tasks and can't manage to finish much. I don't want to sit still. I feel like I'm loosing it.

My mind keeps racing, memories from my childhood pop back into my mind from time to time. I only remember pieces of some events. A begining and an end but no middle. Then when I flashback I may remember a little more, maybe only a few seconds farther past the begining of the memory. I feel like I don't know if it's real. I don't know if I want to remember what happened. Has this happened to anybody else? Am I really loosing it? I don't feel like I know who I am anymore.

I'm only a few months into therapy. I'm going to hang in there, but I've felt like this for three days now. My boyfriend is supportive, he tells me to just sit down and take it easy. I don't want to though, I feel like I have to keep moving. I hope this will pass soon.

 

[Tosh]

These memories are comming back. The memories I've tried so hard to forget. They are slowly trickling in. I'm really scared. I forgot them for so many years intentionally I think, but now it's like they happened yesterday. Why after so many years are they resurfacing? It's very painful.

 

[raye4]

I went through exactly what you're going through right now. Believe me: I pride myself on my memory and it was a complete shock to me and still is that I could forget so much! I was brought up in an abusive household, with guns, and lots of crazy s***. Then I got out with the help of my boyfriend at the age of 18--who I thought was my hero at the time--No--Words can't say enough what he all did to me and my children--who he now has (unbelievable):cry: What I do know is that when we suffer too much trauma-our memories shut off to protect ourselves until we're ready to handle them. Then our mind will start opening doors that somehow closed long ago. Mine came back so fast it actually may have re-traumatized me. Just let them come back to you slowly--Don't try to figure out anymore than what your mind is releasing. It is very scary--You are not crazy--Most of what your mind releases can be viewed as real--you just have some missing pieces. It will be painful, for it's confusing and it hurts a lot! I don't know if you have sought out a Dr. yet but they can help by prescribing something for racing thoughts. The rest of what your going through as far as never finishing a started project and always having to be moving is normal! Good to have you on here---:tup:

 

[Tosh]

Thank you, it's good to know I'm not the only one who goes through something like this. I am on meds, just 20 mg of of citalophram though. (I think I spelled that right) it's generic celexa. I'm more screwed up than I thought I was. I just started cleaning the basement, maybe that will help. I am litterally shaking. I think I'm going call my therapist in the morning and let her know what's going on.

 

[Tosh]

Well today's a new day and I feel a little better. I told my significant other about my memory and it helped alot. It was strange though how I didn't have much feeling when I told him. I think I should have been crying or something, but I didn't feel anything. My mind is calmer and I feel more level headed. I was able to sleep half the night thanks to the Nyquil I took before bed. It's funny but it's almost like I'm becoming whole agian, slowly. It hurts, it's unconfortable, but I almost feel empowered in a way. I keep telling myself it's because I'm stronger now, and I can cope with it. I have hope, that after all this is over and I work through this, I will feel better. I feel guilt for telling my significant other, I feel I burden him with my problems. I didn't go into detail with him, I am saving that for therapy. I just told him in general what happened, but I fear he will look at me differently now. Okay, now I'm in the future agian, gonna do something and try to get back to "here and now".

 

[Powder]

Tosh, everything you described just summed up what I've been experiencing for the last few weeks. You are very lucid and just summarized what it is like to experienced flashbacks and attendant memories very intelligently and clearly. Thank you!!! I am not alone. You mentioned that in one visual FB, you were looking down on the scene as though from above. This is, I have read, normal. My FB was auditory, I only heard sound. But the memory that followed the sound, was both auditory and visual, from the ceiling, as you said. It doesn't feel "real" either, like it's both super real (sound wise) and super movie-like (visually). I think the reason these repressed memories don't feel real, and we don't feel ourselves or "real" after we get them back, is because of Depersonalization. (Whew, long word to try to spell!) I think that is normal. It's hard to trust memories that are this disorientating, distressing, and emotionally laden without the sensation of "normalcy" that everyday memories have. That is what is making it so hard. Not to mention, the SHAKING!!! You have that, too? I believe it's a real way the body reacts to the trauma, to "shake it off."
Your medicine, is it an antidepressant with anti-anxiety properties as well? For the shaking, I am taking Lorazapam/ Adavan. A half pill is 0.5 mg, and is just enough to get rid of fast breathing and shaking. My thoughts return to normal speed and I feel more grounded. But I have to find out if I'm allowed to keep taking this stuff. It is for short term use, as it is habit forming and withdrawls are not fun. So I only take it when really upset/shaking and if I'm struggling to get to or stay asleep.

Maybe you can ask for some medicine like this? I'm not keen on meds. I hate them, actually, but this is the first time I really "needed" them to cope with this stuff you are having to deal with as well.

Tosh, I want to extend a big hug to you. You are doing it all exactly right. Sharing your experience with a caring person is a good thing. It's not a huge burden for them as it is to you. And they need and deserve to know what you're struggling through so they can be helpful and not make things worse. Share some things that make you feel really good and safe and tell them they can do this when it's obvious you need some extra support. :tup:

The keeping moving and cleaning is also helping me, especially with anger shaking. Anger mobilizes people...makes you need to move about. Not sure why.

Take care! I am in the same boat, and I'm hoping you and I can get through this together and support each other with info, tips, and just a person to compare notes with. :barefoot: Muse

 

[Tosh]

Well, I am doing better now. I had a therapy session and was able to identify what happened and how to deal with it. My therapist expained that I was dissociative. (don't know if I spelled that correctly) She gave me suggestions on what to when that happens, and the main thing is just take care of yourself, do self nuturing things. Deep breathing, go to your "safe place", tapping to bring yourself back to reality. She also told me something very interesting. She told me that there is the "Adult me", "The Parent Me", and the "Inner Child", she told me what I have to do is use the "Parent me" and confort the "Inner Child". Just like I would do for my child if the same thing had happened to her. Hold her, tell her everything is going to be okay. She also told me not to try to shut it out. She told me to stay calm when it starts to happen, create a welcoming environment, let it sit down next to me, try not to be scared of it.

Thank you (((Muse))) It's good to know I'm not the only one who goes through stuff like this, cause sometimes I feel like I am. It would be great to compare notes, tips, and support eachother through this. I really just want to live a full healthy life and minimize my symptoms as much as possible.

I still have trouble at times feeling like I'm not real. Lilke I'm not here, I'm somewhere else, like I'm lost, or this isen't reality. I'm also having trouble with my memory. I've just been trying to write all the important stuff down, so I don't forget.

 

[Powder]

Good, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Everything you said from your therapist sounds good to me and is helpful to me, also. I agree with not running away from or repressing stuff that comes up, emotionally and memory wise. Repressing memories results in having a bad memory, which I have also had to deal with. So I understand. It can make me feel "less intelligent" than I know I really am and can be. So it is necessary to face "memory" even the hard ones. But they, and their emotions, are waves, like in the ocean, just ride them and watch them falter out on the shore. Sooner or later, we're going to learn to surf, and maybe even find emotions aren't crashing down on our heads and coming too fast.

My counselor says that these "gushes" of memory/emotion/anxiety lets loose some stored emotions, and we'll recover. Later, another wave will come, and it will be a little easier, and we'll recover even faster, and with each wave, we'll learn more about ourselves and become stronger, until the waves stop coming and we feel normal and able to enjoy ourselves like never before. I trust her. She has been r ight about everything else.

You are doing some really good work for a 26 year old, you are ahead of the game. You should be really proud of the fact that you're taking positive action and not waiting until you're 36 to deal. By the time you are 36, you are going to be so proud of how far you've come!

My counselor actually suggested that if I do try an SSRI, it should be the one you're taking, because it helps soothe the tummy also. My digestion is starting to suffer from 13 years without therapy and PTSD. So, I may give it a go. Do you think it's working? Side effects okay?

Thanks for the update! Are you able to work or go to school?

XOXO Muse

 

[Tosh]

It's the first meds I've been on an it's working great for me. I started out on 10mg then after a couple months I went to 20mg. At first I felt a little sick to my stomach at times, but it only last a couple days. My energy was up and down for a couple days too. After that first week I didn't have any side effects, then when they increased my dose to 20mg I had some side effects agian for about a week. I guess it's the med. that is right for me. I'm going to talk to my doctor about increasing in a couple weeks. It helps me with the anxiety, depression, and helps level me out. I still feel like me, just a little better. It basically makes me manageable. Without it I'm a complete mess and I can't function or even sleep. It has helped reduce my nightmares too.

You are very strong to be able to live with PTSD for 13 years without therapy.

The better I feel, the more doors to the past seem to open. I think living in survival mode was easier than working through this stuff! You talked about the waves of emotion, it really does feel just like a wave. I'm not an angry person, in fact anger is something I don't "feel". Since the flashback, it just hits me, I can feel it through my whole body, anger. I understand it is from the past, and like you said I just ride it out. I let it pass, it is so intense, I haven't felt that in soooo long. My "inner child" is very angry about what happened to her. She's angry at my mother for not stopping it or helping me.

I am going to college part time. I only have to go one night a week for four hours and the rest of the work I do online and at home. I figure if I keep with it in four years I will have a degree and hopefully my symptoms will be better and I will be able to get a good job.

If I didn't do college, then I may be able to handle something part time. College and a part time job would just be too much stress for me right now.

 

[Powder]

Tosh, your plan of going part time right now seems very practical. I agree, taking on too much would be risky. Once, I took 18 summer credits that flowed through three different summer sessions, A, B and the 6-week sessions. Not a good idea. One of the classes was a very difficult professional prep class that people already doing the career took but that was required for the major. I hadn't realized that I'd be competing with in-service professionals! I completed the A session course, but called around and took a withdrawl on the B class,was on withdrawl from 30 mg Effexor (A TERRIBLE DRUG IMHO) and left home. All in all, it worked out fine later, but it took three years and lots of change, a forbidden marriage, a baby, and a job before I got back into school to finish my degree.

I was in major denial, a workaholic, and it proved to be a major setback in my development. However, it all worked out later. Still got my Master's Degree and a good job, but it took longer and I got into more debt the way I did it.

So your way sounds much, much wiser; one of your strengths appears to be self-understanding in a practical way. The way PTSD works, most with it seem to lack the normal level of ability to introspect and be realistic about what is possible vs. beneficial. "A fit of overconfidence" was a good line from Angel2Write. I get that. I do it ALL the Time!! I bite of more than I can chew and usually do well but end up depleted and sick later. Even in grad school, I commuted to and from campus in the next town two hours per day, taught English 101, held office hours, tutored in the writing center, and took care of the house, bills and my toddler to exemplary perfection and maintained almost a 4.0. How??? I don't know. I just did it. It felt like looking up and seeing myself juggling 6 balls and now having a clue how I was doing it without dropping them. I was the only female who took on the Thesis option and passed the defense. I was the only one who was married and the only one with a child. But after two years of that stress level, and dieting, my back gave out during a workout and I spent three months in a wheel chair, unable to stand or walk at all. I crawled. I went to my job interview with crutches, in pain. But I got the job and now I'm better. Talk about setbacks...

Strong, or unrealistic, I'm not sure. Part of my is proud of being able to push myself to achieve my goals, no matter how lofty. The other part knows that I pay a price for it. And now, I need to get real and work on what's inside me, and not focus so much on career for the moment. It's been a distraction that I needed to get to this point.

Having said that, achievement is probably good for everyone, and especially for PTSD, because it helps to have gained assertiveness and other interpersonal skills that can aid in the healing process. During counseling, when we go over some of the homework, I realize that I have already started applying the skills at work. My boyfriend, now husband, was the foundational relationship/trust, my kids are the sturdy walls of love's labor, and my work with low-income youth is the roof over our heads, and counseling and friendships are the finish work in crafting a home/self I actually want to live in and feel comfortable with in life. Part of me is terrified that if I lost one of the components, the whole thing would come crashing down. :cry:

So you are doing this, too. You chose a supportive partner, a way to achieve your goals, and you are even "cleaning your house," literally and figuratively in therapy. This all sounds like a wonderful process of unfolding of a beautiful flower and a good life. I'm glad to hear the meds are a good support; you might not need them later. You may also be able to slowly increase your work load when you feel ready for the challenge. It sounds like the anger is coming out in bursts. I now understand that this is a very good thing, even though it's not fun at all. You are also dealing with it constructively, by moving about and getting things done and calling the therapist. All good. We need to get in touch with the anger; it holds some keys to assertiveness and "our truth." Our Truth was not "good" before, but we can make it work for us now.

How are you at asking for help? If you are working on a project and feel stuck or negative emotions/ lack of confidence, how do you react? Watch yourself and observe your patterns. What do you see yourself doing?

XOXO Muse

 

[Tosh]

I am so impressed by your achievments! That is very inspiring. I just want to pat you on the back for focusing on something positive while you were making it through. I stayed in an abusive realtionship for a long time. My therapist told me it may have been a sort of protection from releasing those supressed memories. I don't know if that makes sence, but I see where she is comming from.

I have always had trouble asking for help. Today I still struggle, but I do call my therapist when things get overwhelming. I also let my fiance know when I am going through something or feel off. Yesterday I was running errands and my mother sent me some text messages that upset me. In that moment I had a flashback and was having trouble getting grounded. I called my fiance just to chat for minute cause it helps me feel like I'm here and now, and not in the past. I had family visit over the weekend and I was able to tell some of what was going on to one of my family members. She was able to confirm some events, it helped me realize my memories really did happen, as much as I don't want to believe them. I found that she is going through the same thing we are. The more people I have to relate to and the more support I have, the stronger I feel.

Dealing with negative emotions and lack of confidence when working on a project is pretty hard for me still. I am a perfectionist when it comes to projects. Recently, I had a tuff project. I took lots of breaks when the negative thoughts started to set in. Then I got stuck and ended up asking some classmates how they were getting the project done, I also asked the teacher a few questions. It really helped me, but sometimes I just can't think. I have to come back to it when mentally I'm in a place where I can focus. I have on one occasion, skipped a paper, cause the negative emotions completley took over. I knew it wasen't going to effect my grade very much and I just could not get it together. Has this ever happened to you?

My biggest struggle right now is with my relationship with my mother. My new truth has shattered everything between us. I am so angry with her for not stopping the abuse. She knew about it, she stayed with him, she even saw it with her own two eyes. I have confirmed that she knew through other family members as well through my memories. I don't even want a relationship with her at this point. Have you had to deal with this sort of thing? What did you do?

At this point, I don't see too far into the future. I don't feel like I know who I am at this point. Each day I learn a little more about myself through memories and flashbacks. I want to stay in college, even if I end up changing my major. I also want to be the best I can for my children. Keeping a happy face when my children are home, trying to get chores and errands done, I struggle to just get through the day sometimes. I see myself working through my past piece by piece. Have you been able to work through some of the anger? How did you do it?

I'm looking ahead and the waters don't look friendly, they look pretty ruff. I've got my oar and I've raised my sail. I may have to paddle long and hard, but I"m going to work on getting through this.

 

[Tosh]

You know you seem happy with the life you've made for yourself. Your work, family, and friendships. There is not alot of people in this world who can say that. You should be so proud of everything you have done. It may be scary to think of loosing something so close to your heart, but hunny that has not happened. Try and stay in the present and enjoy all you have today, this hour, this moment. I try not to think about the future, because my anxiety will take over, my past will take over, my worry will consume me. It happens, but when I catch myself I try and push those thoughts out and try to focus on the present.