Who Is This Person...?

[GettingBetter]

I went NC from my narcissist family earlier this year, after a very traumatic series of events. My identity since then has been very confusing. I don't know if I am trying to re-identify myself apart from them, or if I have depression, if I am waking up to what I want in life, or if I am backsliding.

Previously, I had procrastination issues but was always able to get things done in the end. It got more difficult as this year progressed, and now I am barely able to function at work. I have an office cubicle job and can't focus to get anything done. I just sit there all day thinking how much more I could be getting done if I was working from home. Then I try to do my work when I get home but I am too exhausted and don't have the motivation.

I used to be a straight A student, overachiever, perfectionist and took greatest care in my tasks, now I simply don't care. My supervisor basically told me that if I were working a real job (I'm a temp), I'd be on the road to getting fired. This worries me because it is soooo unlike me, but the lack of good reference from her doesn't really worry me because I don't want to work in that field. I'm just counting down the days until this job is over. I gave up my lifelong career goals in academics and my dreams for grad school and applied to kitchen jobs (which may actually be good because I always wanted to go to culinary school). Even then, I only applied one that I'm banking on- I don't have motivation to apply to "safety net" jobs. Part of me thinks that academics was just a distraction from the craziness of home life- I never actually liked it. Now that I don't need that as a "coping" device anymore, I *loathe* anything that requires thinking or learning.

Some people have tried to help in my job search since they know my interests (or what they were), but I don't have the heart to tell them "thanks but no thanks" because I don't want any job that requires me to rub 2 brain cells together. They think I'm so smart because I have achieved so much academically and expect the best from me. I just want to go to work and ask "do you want fries with that?" Everyone around me is working towards a career. I want to just BE. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I simply CAN'T do it anymore. Just today, my boss asked me to write a paragraph on something and I nearly burst into tears in her office because the thought is unimaginable. I haven't been able to read in months and I can barely string two sentences together anymore.

Honestly, I don't think I can even work full-time. This full-time temp job is killing me- I sleep from 6pm when I get home Friday and don't wake up until Monday morning (basically). How difficult is it to get disability?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "who is this person?!" I don't know if I am making major steps forward in making my life what *I* want it to be, or if I am majorly going downhill. Basically, WTH is going on? Am I having a breakdown, or is this part of the healing?

 

[EveHarrington]

From what I hear disability is difficult to get, even more so if you are currently working (I think you'd automatically be rejected if you are currently working full time because disability is for those who can't work and you're essentially showing that you can work.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you are employed, you can't file for disability. I would have qualified hands down with all of my health and mental health issues. But, I can't stop working to file for disability or I'll be homeless. The assholes make it impossible for some people. Even if you could file, your drs have to make it clear that you will be disabled for 12 months or longer. Usually, you're denied, and then you have to refile again.

Just sucks!!!!

 

[heyheyhey]

Life is hard to manage in a downturn, but with the right therapeutic help and some good self-management techniques, you come back up again and you start to recognise yourself. I struggled so much to work, to leave the house, to even eat and sleep when I was in a rough place!! Slowly I dragged myself out of the hole and now I'd say I'm 90% back to me (in some ways I'm better coz PTSD forced me to get the help I need. And of course some anxiety still lingers, but I try not to let it weigh me down, it is what it is).

The point is, you're going to come back up again. In the down turn it all feels pervasive and eternal, but it's not, it never is.

Have you read the Pete Walker book? Or looked into John Bradshaw? He talks about how it's very common to be a perfectionist and a striver, from a broken family. He says people deal by becoming a human doing, rather than a human being. That's not what you are, and that's not where your value is, you're more than that.

Also, could you possibly try and get some work online? I work from home, it's not amazing money but I love the flexibility and being able to work in peace and quiet. And if I'm stressed, I can take on less coz I'm freelance... or maybe you could get a part time job? And see it as a temporary thing until you start to feel better. I think mental health has got to come first. Be well.

 

[GettingBetter]

Also, could you possibly try and get some work online?.

People keep suggesting this to me- how does one do this?!