Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying?

[ms spock]

Who Would I Be If I Gave Up Lying? I am trying to sit with this and the visceral response to asking myself that question is to lose my breath.

Lying prevents the fear of death and terror of the other things as well comes up as well.

But mostly who would I be if I gave up lying? I really don't know. It takes away my breath to even think about not lying as a way of life.

I have journalled being honest and being honest again. It has been so hard.

Lying has always been a defence for me and I appreciate other members talking about how it has been a way of survival for them.

Lying was mandatory and in my family you had to agree with whatever lie/version of reality that was presented in that moment. You had to say what they wanted you to say. It was a very different reality to how I understand that children functioned in some families. It is always heartening to read that someone else struggles with the lying - I even lie when there is absolutely no need to do - reflexive self defence.

I also do it for impression management and I also do it so people don't know I have tragically missed out on a life

I was taught to lie to myself about my feelings and needs. I was all bad and completely unworthy. I had no feelings. I had no feelings to express.

I have severe reactive attachment disorder and I had to lie about all the things that have made me this way. I have had to lie at a visceral level as well - pretending to be happy and okay - even though I was being sexually assaulted and annilhated. So I don't trust my own perceptions as I was never taught how to feel feelings or how to be in my own honest reality. My thinking is so top ten distorted cognitions territory.

I had to lie at school about what was happening at home. I had to lie and speak as though I wasn't beaten, sexually abused, terrorised, tormented, hurt, abused, emotionally flayed, and so many other things as well.

Who would I be if I stopped lying? I can barely breathe even whilst thinking this statement. It would be a big unlearning. And at the moment I have a very sore throat and I am losing my voice.

 

[anthony]

Who would I be if I stopped lying?

You're never too old to start. I started somewhere in my 30's, progressively just being more and more honest with both myself and others. In my 40's I'm getting pretty good at it.

I think self honesty and honesty with others, especially where appropriate or when asked something, has helped me immensely. Yes, it has lost me some relationships, however, they where people who chose not to be honest with me, and that is a line I draw and cut people off from my life as I have no room for lying, deceitful, manipulative persons in my life.

Starting is always a good place to begin though. Try it on for size... still plenty of time to discover who you are without it in your life.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can understand. I have canned responses to questions most people think are normal questions but they are impossible for me to answer truthfully without making people feel bad. So yeah, I lie because I don't want to explain certain things or have people look at me with pity and then keep apologising.

I too grew up having to say whatever I thought the adults wanted to hear and would keep me safe. Speaking my mind instead saying what I think people want to hear is so ingrained in my I can't seem to break the habit even though I actively strive to.

Fear of rejection is a huge factor.

I am working on it though. I haven't done it yet but I have been toying with the idea of taking things that I am in the habit of saying to keep up apperances and write down my true feelings over and over. Like you would as a child on vocabulary homework.

So basicly, I plan to take a common scenerio for example, someone asking me, "We are going out for Indian cuisine, you like spicy food right?" Out of habit, I tend to say "Yeah" because I want to be included. Instead what I should be saying is "It isn't my favorite but I would love to join you."

 

[Gs172003]

You're never too old to start. I started somewhere in my 30's, progressively just being more and more hones...

This.

 

[Gs172003]

Everybody appreciates honesty. Nobody likes trying to figure out if so and so is being honest "this time" or not. You will feel better about yourself in the end.

 

[scout86]

I think who you would be is who you really are. Near as a can tell, that person is pretty cool. She is brave and resilient and has lots of good ideas. I think you have a lot to offer, as your real self.

I also think there are a lot of reasons for lying. There's a big difference between lying to take advantage of someone and lying to stay alive. There just is.

At this point in your life, I think it's safe too be the real you. It seems like you've been doing that. How does it seem to be working for you when you're honest?

 

[Sideways]

There is a complete version of all of us hidden away underneath all the damage of our trauma. Discovering that person, shaping them into someone we like and respect, is healing.

Who will you be? You will be vulnerable. And you will need to have compassion for the true version of you. But that's okay. The real you is worth knowing, and worth setting free.

 

[Suzetig]

I feel your pain in this, lying has been a way of engaging with myself and the rest of the world for my whole life. It's getting better though, I'm more able to be honest with myself about my thoughts and feelings - and have some relationships where I'm more able to be honest.

Who am I? The same person I always was, but happier and more consistent with myself. I do less internal acrobatics trying to keep my story straight and feel less on guard. But I'm still not there yet - I too have a habit of lying automatically to simple questions either to avoid embarrassment or to get people off my back - all my perception of course.

I find it very difficult to be honest with people about my history and background. I can do bits and pieces but have to fight the part of me that feels in danger if I tel it how it is. For me the starting point was being honest about my experiences of being abused with my therapist - and myself. Being honest about the big things has made it easier to tackle the habitual lying about small things. Like @anthony i don't tolerate people lying to me either, because I'm worth honesty, both my own and other people's.

It's hard but it can change - and you'll still be you.

 

[The Albatross]

Lying and other mal adaptive behaviors were necessary coping/survival/or defensive skills at one time to keep us safe/alive/or even prevent more damage to our already fractured psyches. Key word? "were". The difficulty is when coping habits become behaviors, they are seldom revisited and tossed out to be replaced by healthier or more personally beneficial post traumatic growth habits or behaviors. But you know that.

Perhaps you can get more insight into this issue for yourself if you take a look at who you lie to or what situations you are lying about?

 

[ms spock]

I am working on this and doing much better with it overall.

 

[ms spock]

I lie to myself. I lie to other people. I lie to avoid feeling shame. I lie to avoid people knowing who I am. I lie reflexively about things that don't matter at times. Sometimes I wonder why did I just lie? I lie a lot less than I used to but it is still something that I am needing to break open and look at.

My psychiatrist said I don't need to go to the other extreme and be brutally honest all the time either.

So there is a spaced there to be in but I am not so sure.

I am so uncertain and untrusting of myself and my own perceptions so I don't know how to honestly answer a lot of questions.

I avoided a social gathering of all the teachers last night because I wasn't sure what to say about my life. I was too overtired to go. But I don't know if I would have gone anyway as I felt insecure and uncertain of myself.

 

[scout86]

I was too overtired to go.

I think it's something of an accomplishment to recognize that, let it be a 'real thing', and respond accordingly. All this stuff is a lot to work on, it only makes sense to be sure you're functioning as well as possible while you do it.

I am so uncertain and untrusting of myself and my own perceptions so I don't know how to honestly answer a lot of questions.

I imagine that being uncertain and untrusting has a lot to do with the need to lie. Maybe you grew up learning that what you were thinking and/or feeling was 'wrong'? That makes it hard to learn to trust yourself. And then, sometimes, the answers you learn to give are not the truth because the truth is never the 'right' answer.

Whether you see it or not (and I'd bet you don't) you have a lot of good ideas and insights. You have your own way of seeing things that I find both interesting and useful. However you decided to answer a question, I find it interesting. I'd be willing to bet that your truth would be the most interesting answer of all.

Everyone isn't going to feel that way. One of the most interesting things I've learned lately is that that fact actually isn't dangerous. It can be ok and it's possible to live with it with no bad fallout. (Who knew? LOL) You're going to get this!