Who's Working Full Time And Who Is Unable To Concentrate For That Long?

[SeekingAfrica]

I started having work problems from the moment I had PTSD and that was close to my uni graduation, so yeah...not idea. I had barely started working at all.

Eventually I was so paniced from interviews that it pushed me into doing something that I had always wanted to do, but never thought I could: being self-employed. It seemed like: I almost died, if now I don't have the guts to work what I want to work, then when? There is nothing sure in life, I may as well go for what I believe in.

I had few jobs during uni, but since I completed my internship to be able to graduate, I was fully self-employed and have been during the years since. I love that.

I love the flexibility of my job, which also helps my health ptsd issues, and this was always my dream job, so it helps at the time when I don't know how to get myself out of bed.

But at the bad times(when something is more triggered than usual for weeks or even months), I have high anxiety and depression. Which makes it hard to start anything, and because of anxiety, I end up making a lot of breaks and can't make myself consistently work for more than an hour at a time. I have 2 clients/job things I do, and they can't be further away.

One is already having clients and making decent money, but that is the one where I struggle to concentrate, and I have to take constant breaks. Which is really bad, because I end up spending the whole day working-break-working-break, and I never have consistent time off. But this is the work that pays most bills.

The other work is more creative. With time and effort, I know I can make it pay just as much or even more. I know it for a fact, from experience, from research, from knowing many other people who have done that. But it requires time and because of the nature of it, I am not sure how much time. If I dedicate myself fully to it, it won't be too long...

But the last time I did that, the financial pressure froze me completely and I took no action. So I am trying to develop that while working the job that pays more. But because of anxiety, I feel too guilty to work on this.

So I mostly work the other job, but since I'm taking breaks...it's not enough hours, and I am barely getting by-I'm doing okay, but I know I have potential for a lot more than okay- whereas I know if I was working full time I would be a lot better off.

I love the way I work, I definitely want to continue being self employed...it's my thing. Even if I was fully healthy that is my dream work. But I need to change something in the way I do it.

And I feel like the only idiot struggling with this and thinking it's okay to even feel this way rather than "suck it up" and be miserable and whatever and ruining my health for all I care but being an adult and just making sure I make enough money to not worry about money, at whatever cost...Ugh. I feel so alone in this. Like I'm the only person who somehow can't grasp how to be an adult and deal with my stuff.

 

[Bristol]

I struggling with this big time, i hold down a full time office job but some days i cant achieve anything and the work piles up and the stress makes everything worse. My boss doesnt know that i have PTSD either so i just have to keep going. I know exactly how you feel on this!

 

[Sandstone]

I don't see the "working - break - working - break" as a bad thing. Without it I would achieve very little. I find it much easier to start something if I know I have to do it for a maximum of 30 minutes. For myself that is still only routine household jobs, I'm still ot well enough to be employed.

I have to accept that this is where I am, now. I hope it will improve, but although I'm working to that end, I don't know if I will get there. I don't think it helps to attack ourselves. It isn't about being an adult, it s about being a person, who has a health condition and making the best of that.

 

[mrsmegan]

I can certainly relate to this. I work full-time. I put on my happy/smart/successful face for 40+ hours a week and it is EXHAUSTING. When things get really crazy and I am feeling my big performance pressure - I feel like I get paralyzed. Even though there is so much going on and so much to do - I can't start any of it. I just get stuck...

 

[Friday]

I haven't worked a real job in 5 years.

There have been times where I could have, if one had fallen out of the sky, but my life was blowing up in some other direction. Out of that time period apx 2 years were pure PTSD made shit improbable -if not impossible- to work, and 2 years the fun and joys of being stalked, and 1 year of mixed troubles. That's a rough estimate, looking back. And may be more accurately described as 17 mo, 22 mo, etc. But roughly? That's the breakdown.

I miss working. Bad. I also miss things like paychecks. But I really miss being useful and having purpose. Purposes, even. Sigh.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I haven't worked a real job in 5 years.

There have been times where I could have, if one had fallen out...

I don't miss full time jobs. Being self-employed has plenty of purpose and growth potential (like starting a company down the line)-as I said, it's my thing.:) But I do get frustrated with how much PTSD is affection my work, I do think I would have achieved a lot more at this point otherwise. So I get the frustration.

I am only now starting to try to adjust my expectations and approach this with the knowledge of how my mental state restrains me, and adjust my actions accordingly. Slow and steady.

Is you life at a stage where may be you can get the kind of job you would like now?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I don't see the "working - break - working - break" as a bad thing. Without it I would achieve very l...

Well, it's a bad thing in the sense that if you choose to do a full time day and you constantly have breaks, basically you've spent your day working by the time you're done the day is way over...So there is no time for proper relaxing night, which makes me more agitated, which doesn't help anything.

I do agree about the health condition part though. With all the threads I've posted lately, I think it's all been leading me to finally kind of understanding that what I'm going through matters, that it is serious. That it is part of my life, at least for the foreseable future(and if that changes I can adjust then) and therefore I have to adjust my life and my expectations.

There is no healing if I'm constantly beating myself up over every such change. So I'm trying to learn.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I struggling with this big time, i hold down a full time office job but some days i cant achieve an...

That's tough! When I had to do that for an internship I was doing, I felt like I was living two lives, and being pulled apart in different directions. I always counted the minutes until the end of the work day. It was exhausting.

I totally get not telling your boss, I think even with all the progress nowadays, PTSD is still a bit of a novelty. A lot of people barely know what it is, let alone understand what it means in the way it affects your daily life. I didn't know when it happened to me. Telling him/her would be a bit of a gamble.

 

[Friday]

Is you life at a stage where may be you can get the kind of job you would like now?

Nope! Not really. :wtf: Still trying, though. Not for the kind of job I want. Just anything that pays that I'm even vaguely capable of doing.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Nope! Not really. :wtf: Still trying, though. Not for the kind of job I want. Just anything that pays th...

Good luck! Something that I've realized in the moments that my brain isn't all over-emotional is that we tend to approach not getting a job as a personal thing. But it's not. So if you aren't getting a job with the skills you do have, improve your skills...At least that's the advice I give myself, I don't mean to push anything on you.

But I was thinking, as far as purpose goes, having a passion can do that. It's not going to solve the financial issue, but it can help with the purpose. 3 years ago I started going to dance classes and fell in love with ballet and dance in general. For quite a while(at least a year) while I was barely able to work or socialize, the membership in that studio helped me stay afloat. And feeling like I had purpose.

For one thing, we are a team and there were people relying on me to know the choreography, be able to perform. People relying on me to learn certain skills. For another, it was a huge push beyond my limitations. I loved it, and yet it's so physically and mentally demanding.

It's being an artist and athlete in one, it was a whole new universe. It also needed me to be able to access the way I look when I more(when I resented looking at myself), it was physically demanding, it required a lot of concentration...the teachers also adjust the positions of your body and I was very sensitive to that at the time... There were so many triggering moves. So getting over things, regularly, getting better, it was hugely rewarding. Extremely hard and axhausting in all ways, but limitless and rewarding.

My point is, passion can save you. Especially on days when you don't know how to live with yourself. I still dance and I am so thankful for that, every day. I'll figure out the work part eventually as well.

 

[EveHarrington]

I wish I only had a concentration problem. I mean concentration isn't my issue, sleep is. Blah.

 

[illusionist]

I can't do the job I'd love to do as Ptsd makes it almost impossible....I just had to accept that. I do work full time in a job that has little demand on me, except physical....I can cope with that...and I actually learned to love my job...with the huge bonus of being able to walk away from it at the end of the day and reap the rewards of all that it brings....mainly purpose.