Why Am I Re-experiencing All These Memories Over And Over Again?

[J_trustno1]

Hi all,

I have been diagnosed with PTSD with major depression few months ago. I am currently on antidepressants to help me sleep better and calm me down. I feel that I should be over the past and move on but it is not happening for me. I have this huge hate for my abusers. I don't want to see them at all or have anything to do with them. I keep feeling that if i ever have kids they will treat them the same. They will force them for childhood labor, will give them doormat treatment, will emotionally, verbally and physically abuse them. For the part of this trauma, I do blame my mother for this for not stopping them. Well, when we came to this country she had her work permit with her brother,, since she couldn't speak the language so she had to abide by their rules. We had to take their cr@p.

Although this had happened then but I am still feeling how they used to treat me and my brother. How they would humiliate us in their parties or gatherings. Well, they still do the same but I don't go to them. They make me feel guilty for achieving things in life. I am constantly told that I have done my masters degree for my ego and to carry an extra stick on my head. But they had different comments when i was younger when i was constantly told that i can't do anything and I will run away with a guy at the age of 16 and become a hair dresser. Now that i have not done this I am still being made fun of.
Even their kids who are between the ages 11-23 make fun of me. They constantly ask when I will get married etc (that is only when i see them but I try my best to avoid them). That narcissistic brother of mum's makes comments like, "you are either going to be a nun or a nymph".

I know that i should brush this off but all that rubbish is hardwired in my head and it is not letting me move on. Why am I holding on their cr@p too tightly. I am avoiding contact with them and haven't been to their place for more than 2 months or talked to them. But the problem is why their comments are still stuck in my head? Why am I giving so much importance to their words even if I know that it is not true? I should just move on but this isn't happening for me. Btw they were the reason why my weight fluctuated from the age of 12-17. Please help.

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

We learn social skills from our family of origin
.The bonding to family is stronger when intermittant kindness and abuse takes place.Studies with monkeys showed that a consistently nurturing mother had offspring who were not as connnected as cruel or withholding mothers.

 

[ms spock]

I would imagine until you get away from your abusers and their constant humiliation etc of you it will be hard to get that stuff out of your head.

I hope you can get your license and a job so you can move out and away and get a mental health professional.

But given the stressful situation that you are living in at this time, it is not surprising you can't get all that stuff out of your head.

 

[ms spock]

@Stagetrapdoor can you send the url to me of that study please?

The studies I have read have said different things so it would be good to get a different perspective.

 

[Mercy]

Ptsd is like a permanent brand on your Amygdala which works to protect you when it perceives that you are in some danger. Flashbacks, the memories coming back are started off by something around you called triggers. Having a flashback is not in your control. I have done a lot of therapy. One thing is to identify what your triggers are. Once you have figured something, you can begin to 'decontaminate' that thing. One for me was a man's belt. I asked my husband to keep them on his closet and not on the floor or on the bed. After a while belts only caused anxiety to go up but usually did not cause a flashback.

 

[Abrasky]

Sometimes from your trauma, if you keep in contact with people who were your abusers, were a part of your abuse, the same messages get played over.

It is why I don't have contact with my family. They have kept giving me the unconcious message that I was not worthwhile, and only they were, and that I am to blame for the violence from my step-dad. I think It is hard to heal if you stay in the loop of all the unhealthy stuff.

You play memories over because your brain has not properly stored them when you were exposed to trauma. When your brain processes the memories they go into long term storage and do not bother you.

 

[Mercy]

You play memories over because your brain has not properly stored them when you were exposed to trauma. When your brain processes the memories they go into long term storage and do not bother you.

Intrusive thoughts as you describe them are hard to deal with. We can change the thoughts by overriding them with affirmations. Recognizing them as the mean lies that they are. When I stopped allowing myself to call myself names, the whole thought thing began to change.

Hm-m-m You have a point. "Normal" bad memories even nightmares can be processed fully and become memories set on a shelf. Traumatic memories, those which involve near death experiences or the perception of near death become branded on your survival brain. Our evolutionary "animal" brain the amygdyla and the hippocampus store their ptsd memories as a defence for us to keep us safe.

Imagine way back in time.... Three young women went to a pond to fill up their water pots. This pond was open to the savannah on three sides and had a stand of elephant grass on the other side. Suddenly a tiger jumps out of the grass and tries to catch them. They run away. You can bet that they will never go to fetch water from a pond with elephant grass near it again.

English recent research reported in the New York Times Science Section described an experiment they did including people who had been diagnosed with ptsd, people who grew up in Ireland during the troubles, and may have had PTSD and people who do not have PTSD. The three groups watched some video clips together. They came back several days later for follow up PET scans. Those with no PTSD had their scans light up in the forebrain responsible for thinking, problem solving and judgement right away.Those with diagnosed with PTSD had their Pet scans light up quickly in their survival brain. It was already setting off the hormonal and biological cascade necessary from survival; fight, flight, or freeze. Restricting blood circulation from hands and feet, stopping digestion, raising heart rate.... We have absolutely no( I mean no) control over this response. The PTSD folks' forebrains didn't light up until 45 to 60 seconds later.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Mercy : you gave the exact answer I was looking for. It explained everything. I feel that I am re-living in past and I get into my 12 yr old child body whenever I see my abusers or I get into 9 yr old body when I see childhood sexual abuse. I can totally feel what happened to me then and I can cry out hard for days and dwell on it as if i am re-experiencing the event. My brain fails to believe that I am living in the present and I can go days in grief. It is not fun when you keeping thinking over n over about your past. All this stress can make you an easy target for the predators.

 

[Mercy]

I'm not so sure that emotional stress makes us easy prey for predators. I do think it certainly we can feel that way because our fear and grief is so present. Jess, I am assuming you are a woman. The best reality check for me when I feel like a child is to peek down my sweater and see boobs. I did not have them at 12 or 9. Therefore, I am in the present. Can you try to distract yourself and do some grounding exercises.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Mercy : I don't know much about grounding. Is it possible if anyone could direct me what grounding actually is and how it can be achieved? thanks

 

[cherryblossom]

@jess_trustno1

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/grounding-101.12459/