Why Are Intimate Relationships So Scary To Ptsd Sufferers

[Tinyflame]

I think daily stressors aside, including ptsd symptoms, and basic compatability taken for granted, what Sqweak said is true:

I think the lot of us are just trying to keep our selves as protected as possible even if that means letting a good thing go.

I think a sufferer 'could' view it as abandonment if the reason they're breaking it off is they've already perceived something that's been done or said as such.

I think betrayal and abuse etc makes it hard to allow others to get close to you (and for you to remain there), so working on trust (even when it's warranted) is a daily process that has to be renewed and repeated (learned) over and over (by the sufferer).

I like Adrienne's suggestion of taking a sufferer's mind off things.

 

[Foxtrot]

I think there may be the perception of abandonment, for sure. I had a business trip that I went on a month ago right at the time that she was going through a serious tough spell and I went away for a week. I called two or three times a day and she never returned my calls, later telling me she just was paralyzed with anxiety and couldn't talk to me and didn't want to worry me. . . . Anyway, since that time things have been pretty rocky and I've had a couple more business trips, more than usual anyway, and every time I've come back, she wants out and then we patch it up, and then I go away and then come back and she wants out. Tough stuff. It's for sure a pattern and I have been really consistent, kind, caring and compassionate. Sometimes, though, I think she sees this as not this way because of the way her brain is working, but who knows? I think we are going to work through it and although she is untreated and undiagnosed (she has all of the symptoms and a lot of trauma), she is helping herself with books, yoga, and other type stuff. She's absolutely paralyzed with fear about telling her family about any of these traumas she's experienced (even though her b@!tard father started all of it) and says she won't tell a stranger (therapist) either. So right now, I'm it. I am hoping to hang in long enough so I can have a back-up person to help me with this whole darned thing. Hanging tough . . .

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I am sure you are consistent, kind, caring and compassionate. In her 'right mind' she would not see your trips as an example of abandonment- hence the 'patch ups'- to be honest I do not know but I would think it's not your trips which she views as abandonment, but as mentioned before just feeling extremely awful (unbearable) pain and confusion and not knowing what's happening to her or how to make it stop.
Then, for 'her' sake and 'your' sake it would seem to make sense 'logically' (to her), that the only way 'out' of the pain is out of life, including (your) relationship. "Out" of everything, if you will.

There are no easy answers, only concrete ways to try to manage it (the feelings and symptoms), such as expressed on this forum. For yourself, please do not take it personally, it is a symptom of the illness. Also, even 'good' things (trust etc), can have their own fall-out, because one doesn't feel 'entitled' or second-guesses or simply doesn't feel up to feeling as if they have any value. Or a sufferer reacting to their feelings and memories, symptoms and trauma(s) and 'reminders' and lashing-out as it were, or 'explaining their feelings' as based in the present when they in fact are just being 'haunted' by the past. 'Trauma' and ptsd can make one feel intrinsically defective/ damaged, and beyond repair.

Please take care of yourself.
Hugs to you.

 

[Foxtrot]

Thanks Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are a dear person, Foxtrot.

 

[Heather]

since that time things have been pretty rocky and I've had a couple more business trips, more than usual anyway, and every time I've come back, she wants out.

Foxtrot, I read all your posts and I just wanted to say that I had a boyfriend several years ago that would go away on business trips just like you. Everytime he went away I acted like a mental patient. One time he even gave me his Land Rover to drive for the week and I was convinced he WASN'T coming back. The fear of abandonment was pretty severe and obviously irrational. I'm surprised he didn't break up with me.

Then there'd be times when he'd be away and when he'd come back and I'd be so frazzled that he'd been away that I'd want to bolt. Believe me when I say: It's the TRAUMA it's NOT you.

Hang in there. Heather

 

[OKRADLAK]

I used to think it was all psycholgical and theory, but for me, I have deduced it is as simple as discovering the unmitigated terrors that can follow these relationships. No one should ever be initiated into that kind of understanding, but once you are, you cannot ever go back to not knowing. THat is all it is for me.

 

[mamachick]

I think that for those with early abuse issues-when you cant trust to be safe with the ones that are suppose to care for you and emotions are inconsistant-its reasonable to be fearful of letting anyone in, based on past and early experience.

Once that is in place and trust has been betrayed, I think we scan for reasons to distrust or feel betrayed. Like waiting for the left shoe to drop. Those things happen in all relationships, yet those without ptsd or other illness seem to feel hurt but not of the same magnitude. (as if other has ability to destroy)

When it happens, we register it in our brain like we have a list (proof it will always happen)
Also, we did not learn who and how to trust. We want to have relationships and trust. When we want to be normal like, in our attempt, we trust too soon and without experience and find untrustworthy people which will and often does cause re-traumitization.

 

[mamachick]

Once I dated a guy that was a therapist for 25 years and he was very intellegent and knowledgable. Once when we had a disagreement and he thought I was unreasonable, he said "you were raised by a pack of borderlines". Of course that was hurtful but I knew one sister is a borderline and understand the illness and so I couldnt argue with that. I just thought he was embelishing.

Today something happened that I read part of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and realized he meant it literally. I have three older sisters (1. passive agressive type 2. liar -2 faced trouble starter 3.aggressive and violent. All were abusive and so was out mother. It occurred that shi@ rolls downhill and I was the baby. Im only the half sister to the three and when one attacks, they all stick together. I grew up with them physically beating each other up.

I usually minimize my situation as far as abuse goes. Im feeling pretty crappy right now and wondering why I have allowed it to continue into our fifties. If I cant get it right with my family (how can I trust outside the family). I have actually stayed in an abusive relationship with a man because it was still much better than my family of origin. I guess Im screwed for life huh. Makes me very sad as Im putting the pieces of abuse together.

 

[Spero3]

For me, intimate relationships are terrifying because 1) I am afraid of being abandoned, 2) I learned at an early age that expressing my feelings was very dangerous or they would be ignored, 3) that no one would really want to be with me if they got to know me.

My mother was mentally ill. I was beaten from the time I was about three or so. She was really sadistic and did some really awful things to me, including kicking me headfirst down a flight of stairs, pulling out one of my baby teeth with pliers (thankfully the tooth shattered), punching me, forcing me to eat food, hitting me in the face. I was also emotionally neglected. For the first time in my life, I am in a relationship with someone who is loving, kind and listens to me. Yet, it is terrifying to talk to her. If I don't hear from her, I start to have dark thoughts. I have feelings of jealousy and insecurity and yet I know she is very much in love with me. I know all my feelings stem from the abuse and neglect. I never had a healthy bond with either of my parents, so I lost out one something so important in childhood. My goal is to reach out to my partner and tell her, in a constructive way, how I am feeling. She wants me to do that, and is very supportive, but it is something with which I still struggle.

As for going into isolation, if I feel hurt, I retreat. When I am in the thick of the moment, I know I am retreating from fear of being hurt, but I can't stop myself...yet. That is one of the things I am working on. I used to not even really know what I was doing. I just hurt and so hid. In general, I am a loner. I have a couple very close friends, and am close to my sisters, but I don't do well in big groups. I start to retreat inside. I can feel it happening and I can't stop it. I get very quiet.

 

[mamachick]

This just occurred to me so its not well thought out. I may be afraid because my "defective" self knows that in about 80% of my relationships-I end up a caretaker, helping others with their stuff. (When Im busy helping others, I am not looking at my stuff.)

I am using the term "intimate" broadly (not soley partner or sexual but including partner/sexual) but to include close friends. How intimate is one willing to be? I am not a black and white thinker so I think on scales of 1-10 and can identify relationships at different places. However, I dont think I have ever reached the 10(being the most intimate).
A major reason for not obtaining is the other persons ability to be that intimate, and this is not blaming them as I have chosen then and somewhere in myself I think I hane uncounsciously chosen them to avoid intimacy???? I dont know.. I know I over analize.

When I was younger I was more willing to give more. I feel old and tired and quickly recognize that I am dealing with a lot of unhealthy people as well. Many people that I know need something from me (babysitter, loan, ride, help with ???) and I am tired now. When someone is interested in knowing me or wanting to know my thoughts, my antennas tell me (shut up-they will twist it and use it against you later).

I think Im having an aha moment.
I have chosen needy people to keep the focus off of me as they are worse off than I am.
People who want to be part of my life and have an intimate relationship will use my information to abuse me, hurt me,
Some of my best friends have moved far away and we stay in touch but underneath, maybe I do feel a bit abandon..
Im now too tired to be a caretaker-the once highly social people person that I was has become an avoidant recluse and prefer computer or for social, slot machine at casino works.

 

[Spero3]

I always chose abusive, unhealthy people...until, I met my current partner. I think I finally healed myself enough to be able to handle a healthier relationship, and she showed up in my life. :)