Relationship Why Can He Be Normal With Everyone But Me?

[Fender]

My husband has told me that the depression and PTSD symptoms he is experiencing after having them under control for the last 20 years are not my fault. We weren't fighting, and a year ago he was still telling me how much he loved me and commenting on how easy it was to be married to me. But now he has moved out, and no one in his circle of friends knows that there's anything going on with him. He says that its not me--that he can't stand people in general, but he seems to act normal around everyone else.
In the club where he works weekends he is still Mr. Charming and the life of the party. At our daughter's school where he volunteers the kids look up to him and love him. And tonight he gave his daughter a kiss and told her he loved her, then walked right by me and said see you later.
He was closer to me than anyone else in his whole life. Does this have something to do with why he has shut me out now?

 

[ihatethewordsmyfriends]

Hi. That's just like my wife. She is so nice to everyone else but I'm the worst person in the world. If and when she does speak to me it's only hurtful. If I try to talk to her about us or her feelings , my feelingings ect. She just shuts down like it doesn't compute. So i feel for you. She was my best friend and wife for 20 years now she hates me with a passion ( she told me ). When the only thing I did was love her so much. Hope you feel better. Darren

 

[myvetswife]

Your husband is propably putting up a brave face to everybody so they don't know what goes on inside of him. With you he feels save to show how he really feels? Thats what my husband is like. If he would show others, he fells weak

 

[Damacci]

That is my husband. Full of energy and laughters at work, being entertaining and impressing to others, helping everyone out. Ignoring me at home, having no energy besides for His PS3 and the TV. When I made suggestions, he barely listened but if the same suggestions were mentioned by one of his friends, he was totally excited in in for it.
Unfortunately he ran away and has not contacted me in four weeks. He said it is not my fault, he doesn't hate me. Well he has no reason to hate me anyways. Maybe it is just another saying for that he does Not have any feelings at all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am so sorry for everyone's pain and situations, I would say it is just that- an 'act', if you will, whereas your husband (Fender, and others) can be actually honest with you. Not even 'intentional', but perhaps he feels that is what others' expect. In a sense they do, no one wants to hear of others' problems and there's also stigma attached, it simply becomes easier to 'be' what others' 'want'. Probably what he is accustomed to doing and therefore also easier for him- but very draining and likely you see and have to live with the end result of that.

The PTSD Cup explanation is really extremely accurate, it really really really isn't personal- but I realize, terrible to live with.
I think that is part of why people with ptsd have so much guilt- part of it is the true awareness that the very people who deserve the best receive the worst. :(

 

[amethist]

Hi Fender and Damacci

It is probably and act he is putting on in front of his friends.

I have seen it time and time again with my husband. he is down, quiet and un responsive to any suggestions of how to pick himself up. His friend calls in and you would not know anything was wrong with him, animated chatty and full of life, that is until you look into his eyes, and then you see there is no sparkle.

When his friend leaves, he either just goes quiet, or goes to bed because he is mentally exhausted from the act he has just put on.

As Junebug said above, it really is not you, it is not personal, and he possibly does feel guilty about this, but as he cannot show you how much he cares, but because of his PTSD, he cannot feel as he used to do.

It is hard, but if you have the patience of a saint, it is possibly for some of what you had to come back in time. Not definite, but possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I think much can come back when less energy ends up expended on dealing with other stress that hopefully can be removed.
And stopping familiar patterns of acting/ reacting, being more comfortable with being one's self, or being where or with whom one can be one's self without negative consequences.
And his own self management/ learning, overcoming fears etc. 'Trying' to keep working at it.

I'm sure your support, love and kindness has not gone unappreciated. Sometimes (bad times) knowledge of that makes the guilt worse. PTSD is a 'condition' (for lack of a word) not an 'intention', it's very hard for 'sufferers' not to be able to react (or not react) in the way they want, too. It's really hard to accept and admit that (was/ is for me, anyway).

 

[ISupportHer]

Fender, I do thunk that this happens a lot. I know that it does for my wife. I don't know if if she is bubbly and joking with co-workers, but she out-performers her peers and I have been left to wonder how she can do that yet had periods where all she can do at home is sit and watch TV or read.

I kind of see it like the stress cup. The amount of energy one can give, especially with PTSD in the mix, is a finite "amount". For many reasons my wife comparatively is in hyperdrive at work. Worried that she will lose her job if she does not put in extra effort. Knows that her work is being monitored. Who knows what else. But then is spent by the time she is at home. It's like she has been swimming laps then barely can tread water at home.

Part of how I have gotten by is to try to look at any positive you can. I don't believe anyone should take verbal abuse or bad behavior using PTSD as an excuse, but I do let many things slide. I look at it as she is at least letting her guard down with me. Not keeping up the "show" that all is fine. So, in a way, she is sharing with me even though I don't hear the true feelings. Knowing that she at least can do that. makes me feel she has some trust.

The other observation I have is with your comment that he kissed his daughter and said I love you yet basically walked right by you. I think that sometimes a sufferer can displace anger on those closest to them. For various reason. Could that be part of your situation? I can't say, of course. I hope you are seeking outside help with dealing with your feelings. I have, in the past, fell into a trap of responding to things like that with an attempt to push harder. That if I do more to love her and show attention, then surely she will come around. right? That backfires and I have learned to give some space and recognize what drives my own feelings as much as I can. If that makes sense, LOL.

ISH

 

[Zipperhead]

With others he can be normal. He doesn't really care about them, there for they can't hurt him. You can. He still cares what you think. So he hides in his shell, scared what might happen if he opens up.

As far as your daughter goes, it seems strange but most of us can still show love to our kids. I want to say that kids can't hurt us, but it's not true. But in the end, I guess we recognise that they are still learning and forgive them quicker. I don't know.

If he's not in therapy, encourage him to go back. In the end, you can't fix us, we have to want to be fixed, and put in the effort ourselves. Encourage him to get help and make sure he knows how you feel. Celibrate the small victories. Instead of complaining that he showed love to your daughter, celibrate that he is still trying.

Al

 

[Tinyflame]

ISH never thought of that, think you are right, re: trust.

Think he's trying to survive 'out there' best he can or knows how.

 

[Fender]

I'm feeling the strength in numbers here. It is a relief to find people on here that have experienced the same thing and are finding ways to work through it. I find myself coming back to this site several times a day as I go through the roller coaster of emotions that I experience on a daily basis, and always find a thought that gives me some peace.

My husband told me he had phone numbers for several different therapists that specialize in PTSD, and after Thanksgiving he'll start the process of finding one he can work with. I'm kind of afraid that since he moved out and has his own "cave" that he can retreat to, that the pressure is now off and he'll think he can continue to manage on his own.
I have been trying to reach someone at the local VA hospital to see if they have support groups for families, but I can't get anyone to call me back. I have a new lead for a counseling center, though, so I will check into that.

Thank you all for sharing with me.