Madmaninabox
Confident
Ok guys im not ok.
The last few days have been outside my window of tolerance.
I have really bad asthma. I have since I was a kid.
I have been having a hard time breathing because I'm working on a project that involves things like cutting wood and insulation. Stuff that can irritate your lungs. I called my doctor's office and they said - breathing issues? it could be covid-19!
I was exposed to covid but I had already gotten a negative test result. Well I haven't seen my grandmother in a while I thought this is perfect I know I'm negative I have been cleared by a doctor I will go see her.
So when I called the doctor office and they said it was possibly a false negative I was really freaked out. I thought I had exposed my elderly grandmother.
So me and my whole family we're really worried and the whole time I was having trouble breathing and feeling guilty.
Finely I got another negative test result. Great this is great news... But I'm still having trouble breathing. So I call my doctors office and they tell me they are not seeing anyone with breathing issues. Even if you have a negative test result.
So that was worrying like ya I could have it I could still have given it to my grandma that sucks.
So I ask what do I do now I still can't breathe very well. She told me well you could go to the minor emergency again but they will probably just give you another covid-19 test and send you home so that probably won't help.
So you can go to the emergency room.
I didn't really want to do that because one I could be exposed to covid and two I hate going there. I went there after a suicide attempt I feel like people might recognize me I get embarrassed. But also it just brings up bad memories.
But what else was I going to do I can't breathe I need my asthma medication adjusted. So I start driving and I have a panic attack for the first time in years. My chest hurts and here is the kicker I can't do my normal breathing exercises because I'm having trouble breathing. So I pull over my car and listen to music I get through but it sucks. And I genuinely thought about calling 911 I was wondering if I was having a heart attack. At the same time I knew I was freaking out and it felt like a panic attack. So I didn't and I'm fine. Eventually that passed and I got to the emergency room.
They have to do an ekg even though when they asked if I was having chest pain I said yes but it's just a panic attack.
So I ended up there for way more time than it would have taken because they had to check out my heart.
Now's the part when It gets so much worse. I had what I was going to say to the doctor all planned out. Hello I'm basically just here because I can't see my primary care doctor and I'm having trouble with my asthma.
Well this doctor walks in I'm sure he's a great guy he just happened to remind me a lot of the person who molested me. And ok the doctor was young not a 12 year old but the youngest doctor I have ever seen. He was a young man same slender frame same hair cut and the thing that was more similar them the way he looked was his mannerisms. He walked into the room and the way he closed the door I had instant flashback to being locked in a room with my abuser. He moved in a hurry and like he wasn't paying enough attention. but then he say down and it was worse. The way he moved his hands he leaned up against the wall in a silly way. all of it everything he did scared me.
I don't know if he really was similar or I was just already freaking out and not feeling well. Either way my brain shut down.
I didn't say anything he asked what brought me in the only word I could make myself say was "breathing". And thats not an answer.
He asked me if I ever took a steroid medication for asthma when it was smoky out or I was sick. and I said "no" I literally take one twice a day every day just to function. I usually take an extra steroid pill when conditions are worse.
To which he said oh your asthma must not be that bad then if you never had to take it. I literally just nodded yes.
He asked when the last time I took my rescue inhaler was and I said "an hour not that's wrong I have no idea some time recently" again just not really answering the question.
I was there because I was having trouble with my asthma that I have super bad and I basically just told the doctor I don't take medicine for it and it's really not that bad.
I feel like an imbecile. Why do I have to make everything a million times harder than it has to be why do I have panic attacks or just shut down. Or both within a few hours. This poor doctor making his job so much harder.
I feel like I just make everyone's life's worse my own included. Everyone I have contact with is worse because of it. I have borderline personality disorder and adhd and ptsd. I feel like I just mess everything up all the time especially relationships. I really am feeling helpless and like a complete burden on everyone.
I don't want to die but I really wish I didn't exist for everyone's sake and for my own.
I'm an awful person who hurts everyone. I'm just not doing well and I don't even feel like I deserve to feel well. I have therapy tomorrow I'm just going to avoid doing anything until then.
The last few days have been outside my window of tolerance.
I have really bad asthma. I have since I was a kid.
I have been having a hard time breathing because I'm working on a project that involves things like cutting wood and insulation. Stuff that can irritate your lungs. I called my doctor's office and they said - breathing issues? it could be covid-19!
I was exposed to covid but I had already gotten a negative test result. Well I haven't seen my grandmother in a while I thought this is perfect I know I'm negative I have been cleared by a doctor I will go see her.
So when I called the doctor office and they said it was possibly a false negative I was really freaked out. I thought I had exposed my elderly grandmother.
So me and my whole family we're really worried and the whole time I was having trouble breathing and feeling guilty.
Finely I got another negative test result. Great this is great news... But I'm still having trouble breathing. So I call my doctors office and they tell me they are not seeing anyone with breathing issues. Even if you have a negative test result.
So that was worrying like ya I could have it I could still have given it to my grandma that sucks.
So I ask what do I do now I still can't breathe very well. She told me well you could go to the minor emergency again but they will probably just give you another covid-19 test and send you home so that probably won't help.
So you can go to the emergency room.
I didn't really want to do that because one I could be exposed to covid and two I hate going there. I went there after a suicide attempt I feel like people might recognize me I get embarrassed. But also it just brings up bad memories.
But what else was I going to do I can't breathe I need my asthma medication adjusted. So I start driving and I have a panic attack for the first time in years. My chest hurts and here is the kicker I can't do my normal breathing exercises because I'm having trouble breathing. So I pull over my car and listen to music I get through but it sucks. And I genuinely thought about calling 911 I was wondering if I was having a heart attack. At the same time I knew I was freaking out and it felt like a panic attack. So I didn't and I'm fine. Eventually that passed and I got to the emergency room.
They have to do an ekg even though when they asked if I was having chest pain I said yes but it's just a panic attack.
So I ended up there for way more time than it would have taken because they had to check out my heart.
Now's the part when It gets so much worse. I had what I was going to say to the doctor all planned out. Hello I'm basically just here because I can't see my primary care doctor and I'm having trouble with my asthma.
Well this doctor walks in I'm sure he's a great guy he just happened to remind me a lot of the person who molested me. And ok the doctor was young not a 12 year old but the youngest doctor I have ever seen. He was a young man same slender frame same hair cut and the thing that was more similar them the way he looked was his mannerisms. He walked into the room and the way he closed the door I had instant flashback to being locked in a room with my abuser. He moved in a hurry and like he wasn't paying enough attention. but then he say down and it was worse. The way he moved his hands he leaned up against the wall in a silly way. all of it everything he did scared me.
I don't know if he really was similar or I was just already freaking out and not feeling well. Either way my brain shut down.
I didn't say anything he asked what brought me in the only word I could make myself say was "breathing". And thats not an answer.
He asked me if I ever took a steroid medication for asthma when it was smoky out or I was sick. and I said "no" I literally take one twice a day every day just to function. I usually take an extra steroid pill when conditions are worse.
To which he said oh your asthma must not be that bad then if you never had to take it. I literally just nodded yes.
He asked when the last time I took my rescue inhaler was and I said "an hour not that's wrong I have no idea some time recently" again just not really answering the question.
I was there because I was having trouble with my asthma that I have super bad and I basically just told the doctor I don't take medicine for it and it's really not that bad.
I feel like an imbecile. Why do I have to make everything a million times harder than it has to be why do I have panic attacks or just shut down. Or both within a few hours. This poor doctor making his job so much harder.
I feel like I just make everyone's life's worse my own included. Everyone I have contact with is worse because of it. I have borderline personality disorder and adhd and ptsd. I feel like I just mess everything up all the time especially relationships. I really am feeling helpless and like a complete burden on everyone.
I don't want to die but I really wish I didn't exist for everyone's sake and for my own.
I'm an awful person who hurts everyone. I'm just not doing well and I don't even feel like I deserve to feel well. I have therapy tomorrow I'm just going to avoid doing anything until then.