Why Can't I Feel Close To Anyone Except My Therapist?

[maddog]

I have been thinking about starting this thread for a while now, and it's taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to do it. This is currently a very sensitive, very upsetting issue for me, but... here goes.

Quite simply, I can't seem to form or maintain any form of meaningful attachment to anyone in the world other than my therapist. It's really that simple... except that it isn't.

I've been working with him for 3 years now, and I truly believe that in all other ways, we have a very healthy, very appropriate therapeutic relationship. I'd never trusted another human being in the world before him, and this trust has formed slowly and painstakingly to a point at which it actually "feels" real to me. He is completely and utterly professional, has extremely solid and unshakable boundaries and is, in my admittedly biased but relatively well informed opinion, an excellent trauma therapist and all-round behavioural specialist.

We are making slow but very real progress with trauma processing, including EMDR, whilst also working through a whole range of other life issues at the same time.

To all intents and purposes, I am unbelievably privilleged to have an excellent guide, mentor, therapist and stable wonderful human being in my corner.

But... I can't form any lasting attachment to anyone else. I have good people in my life now, in the form of a small number of friends who have stuck by me through a lot in recent years, and who try, to varying degrees, to be stable and reliable friends to me. For the most part, I find human contact of any form to be increasingly challenging, draining, distressing and unrewarding, though I do make intermittent efforts to sustain these relationships and experience ebbing and flowing periods of feeling genuinely close to certain people.

But somehow these feelings don't last, and my issues of lack of trust, lack of genuineness, social anxiety and awkwardness don't ever seem to ease or improve, in spite of all that I have apparently learned in terms of safe and healthy relationships.

And nowadays I do experience real and painful loneliness and a sense of longing for human connection, and yet somehow I can't ever internalise those things from the other relationships that I have, as though I am constantly yearning for something I can't find... other than with my therapist.

He and I spend a lot of time, intermittently, talking about relationships and their various dynamics, and yet whenever we talk about "the significant people in my life", I feel like a fraud, because I'm not even sure who they really are other than him.

Needless to say I have never had the courage to say to him that he is really the only human being I feel close to, though I believe he is probably aware of this to some extent. Perhaps I should, but so far, I can't.

And I should emphasise that my feelings are in no way romantic or inappropriate in that sense. While they often stray into the not surprising feel of a pseudo parent/child dynamic, particularly when we are in the midst of heavy trauma processing, most of the time it really is just that I feel close to him on every indicator of normal healthy human attachment, and somehow, I can't seem to replicate or generalise this new-found ability to "do" relationships to anyone else.

I am starting to become really, really scared about this. why can't I form attachments to any of the other good people in my life? Why can't I seem to generalise my capacity to feel close to someone to any "real" relationship? The harder I try to get close to others, the more I feel as though he is the only human I want to associate with. And not surprisingly, my difficulties in this regard are causing me to isolate myself more and more from humanity, which in turn is deepening my attachment to him as the only human with whom I feel reliably close and connected, or even have any regular contact with.

I'm actually really, really upset about this... so please be gentle, but honest.

Can anyone relate? Have I done something wrong in terms of my therapeutic relationship? What on earth can I do about this? I do truly believe our relationship is healthy and productive, but somehow it seems to be the only one I am capable of, and I am more than aware that while we do genuinely get along well, it can never be a real relationship.

Any thoughts, feedback or responses will be appreciated.

Maddog

 

[Smushroom]

You may have some fantastic people in your life now, but it has taken you 3 years to form this kind of trusting relationship with your therapist (T). You can't expect to develop that sort of trust overnight with the people now in your life. Coming from the background you have, it's no surprise it has taken so long, when you have never been able to have that sort of trust in a relationship before.

Give it time dear. It may take another 3 years, like it did with your T, but it will happen.

I feel in the same boat as you at the moment, although I am starting to feel the boundaries moving a bit too much for my liking. I can't allow myself to form any sort of attachment or feelings toward anyone, except my T. I think when we have been so betrayed, so hurt, so let down by the people that are supposed to love and care for us, forming any new relationship is difficult.

 

[Abstract]

Hi MD,

I happen to be up but it is after 6 am and I have not slept so hopefully I wont be too muddled.

There is a whole aspect of your concerns that I am not going to answer at present but hopefully will come back and do so.

What is easier to answer is that I think you should be extremely proud of yourself and pleased with therapy that you have managed to healthily attach to your therapist in 3 years. especially with the amount of trauma you have in your past and from what I gather (?) no previous safe relationships in your childhood. I think the fact that you have managed this says a lot for you and how hard you have worked and says a lot about your therapist and his skill.

I also think it is entirely "normal" when taking into consideration the context (trauma work etc) that you have not been able to carry that connection through to other relationships yet. And for many reasons.

1/ you are doing trauma therapy. I know for myself that when triggered my attachment issues seem to rear up and increase enormously. 2/ With a therapist we are almost forced to trust them to an extent and especially for those of us who tend to veer towards looking fine that can be a powerful means of breaking down barriers. 3/ There is still some distance in a therapy relationship as there are strong boundaries and you know your T has good ones. That makes it much easier in my experience. Its why I can speak on here but not to a therapist at present for example. The more boundaries the safer I tend to feel. 4/ For me I don't actually have anyone in my life that truly fits the bill of someone I would take this step with. I don't know what your situation is. And part of this for me is that don't yet fully feel able to maintain safety with others.

I really believe there is nothing "wrong" with how this is going for you. I think its very positive. I hope that does not feel invalidating and I know I have not addressed your increasing isolation etc. As I said hopefully I will come back to that. Please know that I hear this is all very painful for you and I understand why.

I think that movement will happen for you when the time is right and you able to spend the appropriate mental energy on it. Personally I think just managing any contact in the mean time and concentrating on avoiding and working on any negative patterns is a good step forward.

Think of it this way: you had a lifetime of interpersonal trauma and have now had a good connection with a trustworthy person for three years. You are doing well. Rome was not build in a day! But I understand your concern as I have similar feelings. Without the therapist attachment that is. :rolleyes:

 

[maddog]

Thanks so much for both of your responses. Even if only briefly, it meant a lot to me just to hear your views that maybe this is actually ok... but sadly, it still doesn't *feel( ok. Actually, it feels like something terribly bad and wrong that I have done or allowed to happen, which is undoubtedly an old message replaying in my mind - an old message about how attachment is dangerous and something for which I will be punished, but that message is so strong that sometimes I feel almost literally scared to face him, as though he will know, and something terrible will be done to destroy our relationship as a result...

You both also got me to thinking about how it is that things have evolved this way. Yes, it's taken 3 years, or the best part of 3 years anyway, and in the course of that time he has endured more strange and eratic behaviour, temperamental times and general human craziness than most people would ordinarily be bothered enduring. Yes, obviously it's his job, hence the fact that he has hung in there I suppose, and so in some ways I suppose the therapeutic relationship is blessed by the fact that as long as it is healthy, it is destined to be more resilient and robust than any other.

Afterall, a "friend" would likely have concluded that it wasn't worth the blood sweat and tears and would have walked away, but short of booting me out, my T wasn't in a position to do that I suppose. So the nature of our relationship allowed him to burrow through barriers that most others never would.

And I know too, that the therapeutic relationship has the unique quality of not being a reciprocal relationship. Afterall, it's all about me really, as much as I would like to think that at least to some small extent, I do give what I can in terms of being a friendly pleasant human with a general interest in his world too... but really, it's all about me. I can give as much or as little as I like and that's ok. I don't have to worry about his needs or his feelings (though stupidly, I do) and so I can be selfish and self absorbed without their being any consequence other than my sense of guilt.

And yes, I think that this sense of guilt does contribute to my ever persistent fear of his abandonment... but that's a separate issue.

So why is it that even able to rationalise all of this out, I don't feel less scared, or confused, or lost as to know what to do about this. Honestly, I think I could go and sit and talk to him about pretty much anything every day of my life and never see or speak to another human in between times and I'd be happy with that... and that's not ok.

And what you said Abstract about being more able to trust when you know the boundaries are strong and non-negotiable, is really true too. It's amazing to me to realise that I don't even think or worry about boundaries with him anymore - I never, ever thought I'd say that. I know that however badly I behave, he won't, and even ifI don't know where the boundaries have to be or how to keep them solid, he does, and so I can almost absolve myself of responsibility for managing that part of our relationship, which is again different from any other.

God, why does this make me cry so much. I feel as though he has all but taught me how to be a human being, has taught me how to feel emotions, has taught me what it means to be validated and accepted, has taught me some of the most humiliatingly basic of life skills that I never knew beforehand... I feel as though this person has almost literally built my world for me, and so I know it should be ok to feel a strong attachment.

But I know too that it's not a real relationship and never can be. And what good is it to learn all of these things if you can't take them out of the therapy room and into the real world? What will be left of me and for me when he is gone, which, of course one day, I suppose he will be?

Thank you for letting me talk about this here. It still scares me... but so do most things in life where other human beings are involved!

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

MD, I really relate to what you've written. I'm working through some very similar things to those that you describe.

I think one thing that's easier for me is that my therapist is the same gender as me and I'm not gay. That lets me accept that I actually feel a little bit in love with her. It would be easy to confuse that with romantic love or physical attraction, but because I know deep down that it isn't I've been stunned to have to come to the conclusion that this is what it is to love another person as a person.

It feels like a stab to my heart because I never felt that with anyone when I was growing up, or since. I'd never been able to understand at all when other people talk about grief at losing a family member, but recently it occurred to me that if my feelings about trust, safety and caring that I have with my therapist are the same kind of feelings that they had for the person they lost, suddenly it makes some sense to me for the first time.

A little while ago I talked with my therapist about idealising her, thinking she has a wonderful, meaningful life and is capable, sociable, secure, fulfilled and happy. I was nervous about talking about it, but I'm glad I did because she explained it was projection of how I would like to be and not really about her at all - after all, I don't know her outside who she is in the therapy room.

I feel like the therapeutic relationship is also a kind of projection for me, or a rehearsal even. It's a unique situation, because as you say it's one-sided and all about us, in a good way, with the security of ethics, training and boundaries keeping the therapist accepting and supportive of us however bad or ashamed we feel. Without that unusually high level of safety and trust, I could never have been so open with another human being. The fact that I've been able to do that with her makes me long to be able to do that in "real life". Now that I want that, and have some idea of how it feels, it's more possible for me. Not tomorrow, but in time.

I have two close friends who have stuck by me and who I appreciate very much. For a long time I've felt like I could never expand that to let other people in - somehow those two people got through the net and are safe for me (I've known them since I was quite young) but it's hard for me to imagine ever forming other relationships that aren't fraught and tightly guarded. I think my relationship with my therapist gives me some hope for this, though. Not necessarily for major friendships. That's possible, but I also mean connections to other people generally, big and small. To be able to let other people into my world, feeling safe with that instead of overwhelmed and threatened.

I think we do take things out of the therapy room and into the real world. I personally am not at that stage yet with trust and relationships, but I have to believe that I will be at some point. The same for the basic skills that I also feel quite humiliated to not already know.

And therapy is meant to continue until we're ready to be ourselves without our therapists. I'm definitely not there yet, and that causes me anxiety about my therapist retiring, emigrating or having some other reason to stop seeing me (my worst fear being that she's simply had enough of me, but then I would think that!). But I've already been through that once with my previous therapy finishing, and it was terrible for a time but I've survived it and eventually found a new therapist who's wonderful for me.

I still miss things about my previous therapist, but I feel like I carry inside a lot of what she gave me. I learnt things from her that are now helping me. I think that's how it will be when I'm ready to "graduate" from therapy altogether. I'll have internalised better ways of thinking and being, and will be able to draw on those. I'll also be more stable and have the resources to cope without therapy, of course. Who knows when that will be, but until then I'm staying in therapy for sure!

Reading what you wrote, for several points I want to suggest that it could be "not yet" rather than simply "not". And that all the things you're feeling are how you're feeling right now, not how you'll feel for ever. I agree with what others have said, that this is a process and we will change over time. This is the awareness stage, which is never easy. I hate having such clarity over things that are so difficult. It's wonderful to feel the way I do about my therapist, but it's also bitter and even frightening to realise how much I lack that in the rest of my relationships. I have to see that realisation as the beginning of change, the first step to things being different.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, Hashi, thank you so much for what you wrote, it really touched me on a very deep level. I think I could just say "yes yes" to everything you wrote, which offered me the same sort of bitter, frightening reality that you so articulately described.

I have no real concept of what it is to love someone at all, in either the plutonic or romantic sense, and so perhaps just as your same-gender relationship with your T gives you some reassurance at how non-romantic love can feel, I think mine only offers me further angst and cause for confusion. Maybe not surprisingly, I feel terribly scared of acknowledging my feelings, partly because I assume that others will assume I have some sort of fantasised crush on him... or perhaps because even I am, on some level, scared that that's what it is, even though I'm mostly, almost always, sure that it's not. Having never "loved" anyone, in any way, how on earth would I know what either sort of love felt like, or how to spot the difference.

Sadly, this is one of my grossly lacking life skills that I don't suppose he, or anyone else, can really teach me.

But whatever it is, I am also desperately afraid of losing it, perhaps because I find it hard to imagine a time when I will be ready, and it will be right, to step away from therapy. I can't envisage a me that can cope in the real world alone, and so the mere prospect that I ever might have to, fills me with almost mortal terror.

And right now, the significance and impact of trust is particularly red raw for me, as I am currently embroiled in a fiasco at my trauma treatment centre in which a key staff member has been dismissed for serious and systematic violation of professional boundaries and betrayal of patients' trust. No, I am not personally impacted as many people are, in the sense that I had no emotional attachment to this person and only experienced her as toxic and untrustworthy all along. But I have been very very close to a number of people who had relationships with her similar to those I have with my T, and whose worlds have been ripped apart at the seams in a way which actually does make me physically ill to witness.

All I can think of is "what if that happened to me?" Which then leads to "maybe you should learn from this and go back to protecting yourself from him the way you used to, just in case..." etc etc etc.

And on the issue of getting better and no longer needing therapy, I can't help but think that unless or until I am able to form connections and attachments with at least one other person in the world, I know there will be a huge part of me that will resist recovery more than it will want to embrace it, because if recovery means losing my only human connection...

I know I'm probably picking apart a context and a reality that should be left to have a life of their own and to evolve as they need to. But the fear of being hurt, of destroying something precious, of not knowing what to do, of not reading the signs correctly, of never having what I need, of losing what I have, of not knowing what I want or how to get it... those fears never die. And sadly, they seem to only grow in strength as I become more aware of having something special in the form of this relationship. Seems like the more I have, the more I have to lose...

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Hi MD!

it is destined to be more resilient and robust than any other.... allowed him to burrow through barriers that most others never would.

I think it is like the training wheels on a bike. Without them learning to ride could be near impossible and even dangerous. But that doesnt mean that we wont be able to ride very well once we have learned how. And I think it is different in that when the training wheels are no longer required then we end up with a cycling partner. Being able to ride does not at all mean that the relationship ends and if anything I think it can deepen and grow in new and more sophisticated ways.

why is it that even able to rationalise all of this out, I don't feel less scared, or confused, or lost as to know what to do about this

I think you are working through this really nicely. I can also totally see why seeing the logic of this does not make you feel better. I have to say that trust and attachment are just plain excruciating. I think so often the logic does not do it because it is about something much deeper - feelings. I think thats what I realised I was not really answering with my first response. The reality of how this affects you life now and how that feels.

it's not a real relationship and never can be

I would maybe word it differently. I think a good therapeutic relationship is real, within the limits and boundaries that it has. I think you really have a part of your therapist from therapy and that he has a genuine connection with you. It is just that it is not the full picture and is rather one compartment of it. I think of it as a stepping stone to something more complete if more messy and less contained. And something that of course has to adapt much more to someone elses needs simultaneously.

I assume that others will assume I have some sort of fantasised crush on him...

That has not occurred to me for even one moment ever. He sounds reliable and healthy and your relationship with him just what it should be. I suspect that when we connect in therapy it is some sense more than in "normal" life and is probably closer to touching on the feelings a child has for a parent. And when that has been missing in the past that can be excruciating and intense. I had one or two moments with my last therapist that I felt something so intense that it frightened the life out of me.

The important part is that you have managed to be brave and allow yourself this. And I can totally see why the terribly triggering situational at the hospital feels like a real threat to your beliefs and trust of boundaries and safety.

I think any betrayal in a treatment environment is so very damaging for this very reason. Thank goodness you have a good relationship with your therapist that I have no doubt will weather this storm.

I know you never bought into this persons games and always saw her as problematic but I hope it is OK to say that I do think you have been directly affected. She sounds like she has been very emotionally abusive to you and manipulative and absolutely everyone in your situation would be affected. I personally would extremely affected by this.

Seems like the more I have, the more I have to lose..

I think that too is normal in a sense even though that does not make it less painful. I also totally agree with Hashi that awareness is very painful. Essentially I think of them as growing pains. It seems there is often no progress without going through that stage.

It normally means new understanding about the past and present and new fears about the present and future. I guess it is also the difference between living and not really living. I always hope and theorise that I should get past that to a stage where the pain subsides and the benefits increase more and more.

But the fear of being hurt, of destroying something precious, of not knowing what to do, of not reading the signs correctly, of never having what I need, of losing what I have, of not knowing what I want or how to get it...

I understand all of this very well. It goes as deep as anything can go I think.

This might not help but what I have found is that if I give myself a little time to settle and not be so triggered when I have recently realised I have been in a problematic situation without fully realising it then it does all start looking a little less overwhelming. That can take very many months sadly.

You have gone through something very difficult on many levels and I hope you can be kind and patient with yourself. I know the thoughts and feelings will not just go away.

It seems like maybe the doubts you have about being able to keep yourself safe and identify and deal with problematic people is making you feel very unsafe in the rest of your life and that it is impossible to imagine ever feeling Ok with this. If that is how you feel then I have experienced that exactly in the recent past. With each increase in awareness the intensity of it has increased. In the past I would just wander from one situation to the next with almost zero understanding.

I have now settled from my last dose of this (which threw for a terrible loop) and I now feel like I can see the progress more clearly. How much things have improved on this front in certain ways. Believe me I would have laughed if anyone said that to me 6 months ago.

 

[maddog]

Abstract, thank you so so much. I'm sorry that right now I am exhausted and not able to put together a coherent response, but I wanted to acknowledge your reply now.

For some reason I'm finding it really hard to acknowledge that I have been affected by this hospital therapist situation. Part of how I've defended myself against that hurt is to deny that there is any hurt, if that makes any sense. And I suppose what's behind that is how much I didn't realise just how much hurt there is, or how deeply it has shaken me. And sadly it came right at a time when I was already experiencing an enormous downturn in terms of my human relationships and an almost inability to connect with the human race at all.

Maybe it's true that the therapeutic relationship is like a simulated real world relationship, kind of like a safe zone in which nothing bad can happen and you can experiment with the dynamics of relationships in a way that is safe and contained. Of course I'm choosing, for the sake of this metaphor, to set aside the fact that bad things *can* happen, but assuming the relationship is stable and strong, then the ability to work within that simulation is maybe what gives it the bizarre quality of feeling very, very real, even though it isn't quite real at all.

You know, sometimes I wish I just didn't like him so much. While it's almost impossible for me to imagine building trust and confidence in someone I didn't like as a human being, I sometimes wish that indeed was possible, because maybe it would shield me from the pain and complexity of this situation. I don't suppose it works that way though does it...

I'm sorry this response doesn't do justice to everything I am thinking and feeling right now, hopefully some time and sleep might bring me back to this a little more coherently!

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

For some reason I'm finding it really hard to acknowledge that I have been affected by this hospital therapist situation. Part of how I've defended myself against that hurt is to deny that there is any hurt, if that makes any sense.

Yes, it makes complete sense. This would be extremely difficult for anyone to deal with, and is probably one of the worst things that could happen right now, given the complexity of your feelings about your relationship with your therapist.

Being party to this, and to other people's pain in the situation, must be awful. At the same time, I want to pick up on the fact that you always sensed that the staff member was toxic and untrustworthy. Having that sense is a skill that you obviously do have, and I'm sure you're using the same sense to know on a deep level that you can trust your therapist, whatever your other thoughts and doubts are.

It must be very hard to be aware of the impact on other people, but that is their journey, not yours. Maybe what you could take from it all is not that you need to protect yourself better, but that you are already protecting yourself better, and can trust yourself a little more.

I hope you've been able to get some rest.

 

[maddog]

Hmmm, you've given me something really interesting to reflect on there Hashi.

You're right, now that I think about it, concerning both therapists (mine, and the now-notorious L2, as I have long been referring to her in my diary...), it seems I have every reason to trust my instincts as you say. I do have complete trust in my therapist's boundaries and confidence that his behaviour reflects utter professionalism and genuine humanity all at the same time. Conversely, yes, my instincts about L2 were always synonymous with warning bells and I could feel the walls of detached defensiveness springing up between us almost before we'd finished our first conversation. And a large part of that, in her defense I suppose, was just that we were always destined to be a personality mismatch, and even had she turned out to be completely ethical, her personality, communication style and therapeutic approach weren't ever going to work for me.

But returning to my original point, you're right, my instincts did seem to be intact.

And so why then did I not find it in myself to act on them... L2 subjected me, and many others, to appalling manipulation, emotional blackmail and threats of varying sorts for a long time, and I was fully aware, on an intellectual level, that her behaviour was inappropriate. I don't want to deflect this thread too far down the road to why I didn't speak up or take a stand when I should have. This is currently a very distressing issue for me, but a different one I suppose.

What I do think is relevant to this thread is that in part, my silence was brought about by an inability to trust the instincts that were there, or to have faith that my interpretation of the toxicity of our relationship and her behaviour was accurate. In other words, it was me, not her, that I implicitly couldn't trust, and I think this point is very relevant to my entire spectrum of relationships.

I just don't trust myself, don't trust my instincts, don't trust my own boundaries or ability to respect them, and so therefore can perhaps only engage in relationships in which I have enormous trust in the other party to manage those things for me... hence the fact that I can currently only trust my T. If I don't have complete trust in the other person's integrity, which I apparently don't with anyone else at the moment, then it seems I am unable to sustain the relationship, as I have nothing of my own with which to steady and stabilise that relationship.

Gosh, I'm not even sure that makes sense to me, am struggling to pluck this out of my very confused and tired mind (no, still no rest I'm afraid).

Sadly, I guess I'm just realising that I've worked this discussion full circle, right back to the point at which I can only engage in relationships that aren't reciprocal, because in not trusting my ability to hold up my end of the bargain, I have to be able to trust implicitly in the other person. And so a one-sided therapeutic relationship might be all I'm capable of...
Or maybe I've still got this all wrong. I don't know...

 

[Abstract]

In other words, it was me, not her, that I implicitly couldn't trust, and I think this point is very relevant to my entire spectrum of relationships

MD, I think there is another way that any treatment relationship is a bit different (for me anyway) and that is that it is much easier to trust my instincts in a non mental health environment.

If you ran into L2 in general life would you really not have avoided her like the plague? It sounds like you avoided her a lot even in that environment and when many around you bonded to her. You always saw her as b*tch even! Give yorself huge credit for that. I honestly think as the dust settles you will start seeing how much you did do and how much you did trust your instincts. I am cautious saying that as I know when it has just happened that I am unable to believe that and can only see the things I wish I had differently.

I think in a sense trust in our selves needs to come from our wise mind. It is that combination of feeling and logic and that extra dimension that kicks in when the two combine that helps find that perfect balance in decisions. And when we find that it feels right. And I have no doubt that you can find that wise mind for yourself in relationships. There are obviously lessons to learn from what happened and I think as the dust settles you will be able to process them and use them in your future life. Maybe now all is still too raw for that.

For me what I find helpful is to micro manage my evaluation of all relationships a bit. As I practice more and more of it becomes instinctual. For me I journal and consciously check in to my wise mind about what happens in a day in my relationships with others. For some reason there are still times where some of the cognitive information is missing to me but more and more I am able to be aware of most of it. That I cant be aware of it all is a source of great distress to me but I am starting to be more accepting and work with the reality better.

I think that a treatment environment has an element of authority and access to our vulnerable selves that the rest of life does not have. But I also believe that with awareness we can still hold onto that part of us that knows what is right. In so many ways you did that already. And truly that is not easy to do in an environment like that. That is why there are such strict laws around conduct in mental health.

What you said makes perfect sense. That you are not yet at a point where you can trust your instincts enough in relationships in general to be able to bond with someone outside of therapy. But maybe this is not really a black and white thing. I think we have moments of trust in our selves and then like in all types of recovery we have moments where we swing back. But slowly but surely we travel along the path in a forward direction. And by checking in with your wise mind you have the compass that tells you when you are going off course. Sadly all recovery seems to be more like a meandering river rather than a straight path.

For me part of moving down that road in relationships towards recovery has initially meant I have less contact with others as some of the contact I had was not healthy. But I can see that that is still a step towards being able to engage with others fully even though it looks like I am going in the opposite direction. I hope that makes sense.

You sound like you have taken very big and important steps down that road. You are not yet at place where you want to be but you are probably much further down it that you can presently see or give yourself credit for. I truly think that as you feel less triggered too that this will look slightly different to you. That happens for me anyway.

 

[safenow]

Can anyone relate?

Hi, MD. I am glad you have your therapist. I really do understand what you are feeling. I too struggle with the same feelings. I don't really have a therapist I feel strongly about any longer. The one I have now is nice, but I am not attached to him. He tends to leave me triggered when I leave his office.

While I have two friends, I am not attached to them in a close way. I am too intense for them. They do the best they can to be my friends, as in they do things when I call and ask for help, but as for being "close" we are not. I love them dearly, and I know they care about me, but I also know I can't trust them to be understanding when I'm triggered.

For some reason, I have a great fear of abandonment. Perhaps it stems from my youth, I don't really know. But what I do know is, sometimes I get lonely. But from experience, I know that I can not even have a room mate, because when I get triggered, I scare people. Most of the time, I'm a fun, good, caring roommate, so when I do not behave the same way, they can't handle it. It freaks them out. They want to have me locked up, "for my own protection".

One of my friends was my companion for many years. We had sort of a mother/daughter relationship, as well as being best friends. The first time I'd really felt that way before. From 1988-1992 we were very close. Then, my ex-husband let it be known if I didn't go to him, he'd come to me. I freaked out. I ripped the phone out of the wall and tossed it across the room. I couldn't even talk, nor even explain to her why I was so upset. I could only tell her she needed to be away from me. I needed to keep her safe.

She cared about me so much, she didn't want to leave. Knowing that my husband had murdered others just to hurt me, I had a real reason to be afraid for her. I was so paranoid. Well, I won't go into more detail. Lets just say, even though she finally left, it took years before I was able to explain everything to her. She now knows about my MPD and PTSD and is very understanding, however, she is different than anyone else I've ever met. And even though I love her and respect her and know that she cares, we could never be room mates again. Just because of that fact. I don't know if this makes sense or not.

My other friend knows I'm MPD and have PTSD, but she can't handle one of my alters, so when she calls or comes over, she lets me know that she won't stay if that alters comes out. Which makes me feel misunderstood, and not really cared about. Because that alter is part of me too. I hope you can understand what I'm saying.

I think the point I'm trying to make is this: I understand how hard it is to trust others. Not that they aren't trustworthy, but rather that because of who we are, we know how we can become when triggered, and we know from experience that most people can't handle that. Like you said about your therapist, he has stayed with you through thick and thin, only because he's trained to be able to handle it.

I've had a couple of therapists who were good, and stuck by me for a long time. The one retired, and it was I who pulled away from the other one. When some things happen, I ran. Or at least I used to run. When a bad person says they will be back, I run. As far and as fast as I can. Well, I used to anyway.

Sorry for talking so much. Gosh I hope what I said makes sense. Sorry if it doesn't.