Why Can't I Feel Close To Anyone Except My Therapist?

[Abstract]

Oh and MD I hope I didn't say too much as I know when things are very emotionally loaded it can be hard to read almost anything and there tend to sore points all along the way. I hope you are taking care of yourself and doing whatever is best for you. That is all that is important.

 

[Abrasky]

I can relate to that to, although I put therapist and husband into the category of people I could get close too. I couldn't get close to anyone else. Or rather I couldn't feel any emotion about getting close to anyone else. I was numb.

I guess it is different for everyone, but being close to people reminds me of being hurt in all the ways I was hurt by my abusive parents. It is like when I get close to people, it brings up all the trauma and my brain can't deal with them both at the same time so it shuts down. It won't let people in.

This is a tricky one, it is the last part of my PTSD to go. It really hangggged on as a symptom. I feel sympathy and I know what it is like. It is possible to be able to be close to people again for me. I am starting to do it for the first time this year.

 

[maddog]

Don't ever apologise for the content or its intensity Abstract, not ever, I treasure it all, even though as you say, right now it is hard to take it all in, and at times it does feel too overwhelming and potentially painful. But somehow I know it's a pain I have to face and to push through, here where it's safe to explore and theorise and bounce off people who get it - that is as therapeutic as anything else I think, and in some way mirrors what I do manage to do with my T when I'm articulate and together enough to be able to voice such complex concepts and interactions.

As I mentioned the other day, we actually have a semi routine commitment to talk about the evolution and current state of the relationships in my life, so that I can reflect on and analyse them, sort of as you described with your journalling. It's one of the many things I do treasure about our relationship, the fact that I can have him hold that safe space for me to do that. Sadly, the only relationship I can't talk to him about is the one we share... which is starting to feel like the enormous awkward "thing" on the table between us.

I like your reference to the role of wise mind in all of this, I think that's very, er, wise! Sadly, that extra dimension that is supposed to come when logic and feeling mesh, is the part I struggle with I think, hence the fact that I can do the logic and rationalisation extensively (as is my character trait from way back) and can certainly experience the pain and turbulence of the feelings, but somehow marrying the two together and realising what they equal when combined is the part at which I tumble into fear, and reactivity, and ultimately into withdrawal and isolation.

And thanks for reminding me that the very nature of a therapeutic relationship is different from a "normal" relationship in terms of its power imbalance and ability, or otherwise, to readily escape. It sounds like such a laughable thing to overlook, but as you said, I would likely have avoided L2 like the plague if she and I had met at a dinner party, and the fact that I was compelled, at least to some extent, to form and maintain a relationship with someone I felt uncomfortable with, instantly adds a dimension of unreality and unsafety to the relationship.

I hope in time I can feel at peace with what I did and didn't do. Right now that seems inconceivable, but I know I have to hold onto it as the goal, the place I might hopefully reach if I stop trying so hard to get there and simultaneously not allowing myself to even head in that direction.

Safenow, your accounts of your friendships resonated deeply and sadly with me, particularly the fact that while such friends mean well, do genuinely care and would ultimately do whatever they could in practical terms to help and support, the reality of our past and our present is more than they can or want to handle. I think that the small group of people I obediently refer to as "friends" probably fit into that category too. In some ways I think they try extra hard to do the practical stuff because on some level they know it's all they have to offer. Part of what I find it hard to not deeply resent is the pressure that they place upon me, both overtly and indirectly, to share and confide the deepest darkest elements of my reality to them, even though they have no idea what those elements look like and have proven time and time again that they have neither the ability nor the willingness to actually deal with them.

And yet somehow the only options I am left with are to place myself in emotional danger by trusting them to levels which neither of us can handle, or being the one to sabotage the relationship by resisting and withdrawing from their attempts to bind us closer. Over time, that hopeless push-pull dynamic has fuelled a deep painful resentment in me which now won't go away at all.

And I could never entertain the thought of living with anyone - gosh no.

For some reason, at random moments as I write on this thread and read and process your rsponses, I feel moments of conviction that I will bring this up with T afterall and talk to him honestly about it - once and for all put the crucial missing puzzle piece into all of our rich, and yet somehow deeply lacking, conversations about relationship dynamics. I don't know though... that conviction is only ever fleeting, and I wonder if it would in fact achieve anything afterall. I live in terrible, mortal fear of regretting such a bold move...

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

MD,

Sending you comfort and support if you accept them. I am sorry that is all so painful. Shall answer when and if I locate my brain. One tiny step at a time is sometimes all we can do.

 

[Hashi]

Sadly, the only relationship I can't talk to him about is the one we share... which is starting to feel like the enormous awkward "thing" on the table between us.

I feel moments of conviction that I will bring this up with T afterall and talk to him honestly about it - once and for all put the crucial missing puzzle piece into all of our rich, and yet somehow deeply lacking, conversations about relationship dynamics. I don't know though... that conviction is only ever fleeting, and I wonder if it would in fact achieve anything afterall. I live in terrible, mortal fear of regretting such a bold move...

I'm not usually one to throw cognitive behavioural therapy-type questions around, but... what's the worst that could happen?

The discussion I had with my therapist about how I see her was one of the most helpful discussions we've ever had. Far from regretting it, I think it eased my mind and normalised how I was feeling. It also increased trust and openness between us, in both directions I think.

I know that I was blessed with my previous therapist in many ways, and one of those was how she frequently raised the topic of our relationship. At first it was very awkward for me to even think about that in my own head. It was excruciating to say anything to her about it. But she did it so much, and nothing terrible happened, and in fact it helped, that I got used to it. That has made it much easier with my current therapist.

I often rely on "props" to help me talk about things, and that's been true of this with my current therapist too. I've talked about several dreams that I've had about her, and once it was a piece of artwork where an idealised version of myself had turned out looking embarrassingly and obviously like her. :oops: For me, relating it to what my subconscious is saying makes it seem more of a universal or archetypal situation, which helps to normalise it and makes it feel more acceptable to me. I wonder if there's some sort of framework you could fit the discussion into that might make it easier to have? For example, to relate it to attachment theory or to general therapist/client dynamics?

At any rate, from what you have said about your therapist, I can't imagine him responding in any way except with understanding, insight and support.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I know that I'm coming to this very late, so I may not have a lot to add but this is called Transference, it comes in the good, bad and what can accompany either of those - erotic versions. It is safe to say that it is common in therapeutic relationships and if handled correctly by the therapist can be very healing. It's also important to note that the guilt and embarrassment can add problems, but a good therapist will usually disperse those feelings and make you feel more at ease with them and yourself.

Honestly, I think I could go and sit and talk to him about pretty much anything every day of my life and never see or speak to another human in between times and I'd be happy with that... and that's not ok.

Maybe it is ok for now, one day, if and when you're ready you will be able to, but obviously not yet?

But I have been very very close to a number of people who had relationships with her similar to those I have with my T, and whose worlds have been ripped apart at the seams in a way which actually does make me physically ill to witness.

The fact of the matter is that ig was not the patients in the wrong. L2 took advantage of her position as a therapist and in turn her patients. Even if you disclosed the exact same information to your therapist that was disclosed to L2, your therapist wouldn't then take advantage of you and make the situation inappropriate. So you don't have that to fear.

For some reason I'm finding it really hard to acknowledge that I have been affected by this hospital therapist situation.

Of course you have been affected by the situation, therapists as part of their position command trust, L2 got that trust and abused it. It's a bit like finding out your friend was a criminal, s/he might not have stolen from you, but do you still trust her? More importantly, because of your own feelings about your therapist (and even your feelings of your feelings), it makes you very uneasy for fear of recreating the situation or even what if he were to become like her. I think by the way you've described his professional boundaries and your working relationship that this wouldn't happen - you're lucky, you've got a good therapist.

I just don't trust myself, don't trust my instincts, don't trust my own boundaries or ability to respect them, and so therefore can perhaps only engage in relationships in which I have enormous trust in the other party to manage those things for me... hence the fact that I can currently only trust my T.

Maybe something important here is that the reason you find it easy to be with your T and not with anyone else stems from your lack of trust in yourself. Even if you don't trust you, you can trust your therapist as it's his job to maintain those boundaries. So you don't have anything to worry about if you make a mistake. That's true, so then you don't need to worry about telling him about your feelings, but also note that if you would have avoided L2 out of the therapists, your instincts were correct and working, you don't need to worry about trusting them too much because they worked without your trust.

I don't know if any of that was helpful. If I presumed to much or said the wrong thing. I hope not and if nothing else it can give you a different perspective of the matter.

Take care.

AJ
xx

 

[maddog]

No AJ, that did help, I particularly liked your analogy about being affected by finding out that my friend was a criminal, even if she hadn't stolen from me... that is a very true and accurate comparison to draw, and you're right, the sense of betrayal and mistrust would in some ways be just as real as if I had been the targeted person, which I suppose is why they are.

You all have such good insights...

Hashi, I truly admire both your ability to so openly discuss your relationship with your T, and your ingenius way of making that happen through the use of props! Very, very clever, I like it a lot!

The reality is that indirectly, we have eluded to the significance of the relationship many many times and in many different ways, and he has always moved quickly to respond as validatingly and as quickly/naturally as possible within the appropriate bounds of whatever we are discussing. In particular, we have acknowledged that he is my stable emotional base, and I have also mentioned that it's hard for me to have safe nonjudgmental conversations with anyone other than him at times... and so I know that really, there is no secret, or even any taboo about talking about this. I guess it's just that I can't square up and face it head on and really nut out the problem with this - as though I can acknowledge the reality, and the good parts, but not the troubling part, that being that he seems to have a monopoly on my ability to form human relationships.

I know there's nothing really with which I can argue against just coming out and talking to him about it. I know he won't hate or reject me for it, and really, the worst that can probably happen is that I'll feel humiliated. I do, of course, entertain extreme fears such as that he will say that we need to put some distance in the relationship and decrease the frequency of sessions for a while if I am becoming too dependent... yes, ok, that *is* the worst that could happen, and while I suspect it's a remote possibility, I can't let it go as being a possibility nonetheless.

Somehow all of this is getting terribly mixed up in my depression right now, which is as bad as I can ever remember it being in terms of its ability to shut down the functional aspects of my life.

Wish I could find courage, and conviction...

Maddog