Why Can't Things Ever Stay Good For Long?

[Stevie]

Right now I find myself close to the end of yet another incident. Just when I thought it was the last time I'd ever let my 3 yr old daughter see me lose my sh*t. Here I am again too furious to drive away to have some private regrouping time. There's crumbled dry wall on the stairs and big holes where I repeatedly swang the noise maker by the cord into the wall. Let me be clear that I never hurt her, ever.

I hate myself. This is supposed to be family day. My boyfriend is exhausted from working two jobs. So he has been watching movies and sleeping on the couch all day. Ive tried hard to have a good day. Made muffins, dinner is in the slow cooker. When my daughter wouldn't nap we walked the dogs. But its hard being a mum of a fresh child. Mostly shes a great kid but no nap and she has quite the attitude to say the least. I don't know how to cope. I asked my boyfriend/her dad for help. I.e ". I cant cope alone anymore today. Please get up and help me". Usually he's my rock but when hes waking up he's always a complete ass no matter what I say. He was rude to me and that was my last straw. I couldn't pull it back anymore.

I wish I could rewind today. I feel sick with hatred for myself. I always seem to look like the bad guy. I'm always the one who takes it that bit further. I'm terrified I'm ruining her life too.

 

[Eleanor]

Sounds like you need to practice being more mindful of the state of your "stress cup." You went along like it was ok for a while before it reached the breaking point, right? So figure out where you need to take some time, do a little meditation (three year olds can play close and quietly for a bit or go out in the backyard with the dog for fifteen minutes while you do this.) Singing is good. Repeating mantras is good. Being present and doing grounding exercises is good. It is good that you asked for help! Next time do it earlier since you know he will be a stressor when he wakes up. You don't want to get to the point you were today, right?

AND you need to find a better way to release the anger/anxiety when it builds up - violence directed against objects is scary for everyone else. Are you all getting any professional help with this?