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General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?
- Post starter batgirl
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A very good topic! I am not in a relationship at the moment, but I am wondering would someone with PTSD would tell the person off the bat if starting a new friendship that could develop into a relationship. When a friendship is new, all of us are at our best. Then there comes a stressor, and PTSD rears its head...what now? :rolleyes:
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Very good point ladybug and more importantly, very good question...what now? This has actually also been discussed in the thread [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6984.html[/DLMURL] if you are interested.
Okay, along these same lines.....
I am thinking my ex not only has ptsd, but is going thru a mid-life crisis. (what a combo?!) Anyway, he has not only pushed me away....but has had this revelation that he only wants to date a woman 1 or 2 times then move on to the next....like a "lone wolf". He WAS NOT this type of man when I met him...not even close. We were together for 8 months and this behavior never came up.
Now he says....I do not want any commitments. He likes the rambling man lifestyle. I told him...have at it. That is not something I can stand by and watch. I have moved on.
But, I guess my question would be....do you think that it is a mid-life crisis with ptsd or is this behavior typical of ptsd itself?
Still learning.
Sisu
I am thinking my ex not only has ptsd, but is going thru a mid-life crisis. (what a combo?!) Anyway, he has not only pushed me away....but has had this revelation that he only wants to date a woman 1 or 2 times then move on to the next....like a "lone wolf". He WAS NOT this type of man when I met him...not even close. We were together for 8 months and this behavior never came up.
Now he says....I do not want any commitments. He likes the rambling man lifestyle. I told him...have at it. That is not something I can stand by and watch. I have moved on.
But, I guess my question would be....do you think that it is a mid-life crisis with ptsd or is this behavior typical of ptsd itself?
Still learning.
Sisu
Wishmaster
New Here
When Lucky and I started dating, I didn't know that she had PTSD. Even after a while, it was hard to put our fingers on it. She has recently started down the road of getting help, and I know that things may get worse before they get better, but she also knows that I will be here for her all the way. Even if I knew back then what the future held for us, I wouldn't change my decision to be with her in the least.
Auburngirl
Gold Member
This thread piqued my interest immediately! On the one hand I've also noticed a number of threads where people seemed to be getting into relationships with people who were really unwell and hardly able to care for themselves and it did seem like the "healthy" party wanted to be in the role of someone caring for someone dependent.
On the other, here I am a person with CPTSD dating. I didn't know I had PTSD when we started dating, and things within the relationship triggered it in a way (though looking back it was clear something was wrong before that).
As the "ill" party I've been really conscious of not wanting to get into a relationship where it's him looking after me -hence part of the reason I dislike the 'carer' and 'sufferer terminology.' That's not how I want us to relate, so while I do confide in him I have other sources of support outside of the relationship and am in treatment and try not to let this overwhelm our relationship or who I am within it.
As for him, I hope he was attracted to me because of who I am, that I have redeeming and interesting qualities beyong my health issues and that that's why he has stuck around. He insists this is the case.
For me a key distinction is this: his job is not to look after me or make me better, that's my job, and I want to be able to claim both credit and responsibility for my own recovery. He isn't there to "save" me, and I don't think it would be healthy if he were. He supports me, certainly, but I have to save myself. And I am doing everything I can do so - ie therapy, healthy life style changes, etc.
On the other, here I am a person with CPTSD dating. I didn't know I had PTSD when we started dating, and things within the relationship triggered it in a way (though looking back it was clear something was wrong before that).
As the "ill" party I've been really conscious of not wanting to get into a relationship where it's him looking after me -hence part of the reason I dislike the 'carer' and 'sufferer terminology.' That's not how I want us to relate, so while I do confide in him I have other sources of support outside of the relationship and am in treatment and try not to let this overwhelm our relationship or who I am within it.
As for him, I hope he was attracted to me because of who I am, that I have redeeming and interesting qualities beyong my health issues and that that's why he has stuck around. He insists this is the case.
For me a key distinction is this: his job is not to look after me or make me better, that's my job, and I want to be able to claim both credit and responsibility for my own recovery. He isn't there to "save" me, and I don't think it would be healthy if he were. He supports me, certainly, but I have to save myself. And I am doing everything I can do so - ie therapy, healthy life style changes, etc.
I have PTSD...it does not have me.
PTSD does not define who I am as a whole person. I am a complex woman who loves to cook a different recipe every day, who loves to quilt although I am not good at it yet, who loves my cats as if they were my children, who speaks Spanish, and who loves to hunt for treasures in thrift stores. Oh, and I also have a laundry list of physical problems and PTSD with depression. PTSD is just one facet of me.
Why date me? I am fun.
I have yet to meet another human who has gotten through life completely perfectly healthy in every way. Everyone is imperfect. Just depends on your perspective.
PTSD does not define who I am as a whole person. I am a complex woman who loves to cook a different recipe every day, who loves to quilt although I am not good at it yet, who loves my cats as if they were my children, who speaks Spanish, and who loves to hunt for treasures in thrift stores. Oh, and I also have a laundry list of physical problems and PTSD with depression. PTSD is just one facet of me.
Why date me? I am fun.
I have yet to meet another human who has gotten through life completely perfectly healthy in every way. Everyone is imperfect. Just depends on your perspective.
Auburngirl-
I think you've got it right, I relate this (on a smaller scale) to someone who wants to quit smoking. I've dated smokers before even though I've never smoked and don't care for it. They always say they want to quit, and I'll be there for her, but if she's quitting for me then she's quitting for the wrong reason, and if I'm only in the relationship because I want to help her quit, then I'm in it for the wrong reason. They have to want to quit for themselves, whether I'm around or not.
This is not to say that someone with PTSD has to "cure" themselves, but the reference is that they have to want to heal for themself, and not for thier partner's sake. Likewise, if someone is going get into a relationship to be a carer in the first place then I think that's a bad idea (JMHO).
With my girlfriend, I met her through a personal ad that she answered. She had many traits that I was looking for in a woman, and when we met we hit it off right away. I fell in love with her not knowing about PTSD, and thought her issues were because of something else (that was understandable as well). But I was already hooked and fell for who she is on the inside and for what she wants from a relationship (didn't hurt that she's a hottie, either!).
She told me that she has these issues and gave me the ultimatum of being with her and putting up with it, or realizing that it may be too much to deal with. I stayed, not because I want to care for her, but because I do care for her. Additionally, the qualities I find in her with regards to a relationship are qualities I don't know if I'll find again...I've been single for a long time looking for someone like her, and I only see her PTSD as a challenge, not an obstacle. I hope that makes sense.
I do hope that at some point she does share more with me, and I think she's on the right track as she has opened up to me quite a bit. I feel the distinction here is just as it is in any 'normal' relationship: you have to want to take care of the person because you love them...not because you think they need it. And that goes both ways, being a carer is not the same as being a caretaker, I think there's a big difference between the two. But that's just me thinking out loud....
I think you've got it right, I relate this (on a smaller scale) to someone who wants to quit smoking. I've dated smokers before even though I've never smoked and don't care for it. They always say they want to quit, and I'll be there for her, but if she's quitting for me then she's quitting for the wrong reason, and if I'm only in the relationship because I want to help her quit, then I'm in it for the wrong reason. They have to want to quit for themselves, whether I'm around or not.
This is not to say that someone with PTSD has to "cure" themselves, but the reference is that they have to want to heal for themself, and not for thier partner's sake. Likewise, if someone is going get into a relationship to be a carer in the first place then I think that's a bad idea (JMHO).
With my girlfriend, I met her through a personal ad that she answered. She had many traits that I was looking for in a woman, and when we met we hit it off right away. I fell in love with her not knowing about PTSD, and thought her issues were because of something else (that was understandable as well). But I was already hooked and fell for who she is on the inside and for what she wants from a relationship (didn't hurt that she's a hottie, either!).
She told me that she has these issues and gave me the ultimatum of being with her and putting up with it, or realizing that it may be too much to deal with. I stayed, not because I want to care for her, but because I do care for her. Additionally, the qualities I find in her with regards to a relationship are qualities I don't know if I'll find again...I've been single for a long time looking for someone like her, and I only see her PTSD as a challenge, not an obstacle. I hope that makes sense.
I do hope that at some point she does share more with me, and I think she's on the right track as she has opened up to me quite a bit. I feel the distinction here is just as it is in any 'normal' relationship: you have to want to take care of the person because you love them...not because you think they need it. And that goes both ways, being a carer is not the same as being a caretaker, I think there's a big difference between the two. But that's just me thinking out loud....
Auburngirl
Gold Member
unbroken- I agree. There are so many different meanings to "care" in a healthy relationship both care for each other, but not in the sense of being a caregiver ideally (I realise in some cases this may be necessary).
I don't feel it's my responsibility to "cure myself" but it is to get myself better - ie to seek the resources, do the most I can, and ask for what I need. This isn't easy, and I've got a ways to go.
I don't feel it's my responsibility to "cure myself" but it is to get myself better - ie to seek the resources, do the most I can, and ask for what I need. This isn't easy, and I've got a ways to go.
neverforget
Bronze Member
I fell in love with my ex and started a relationship because he has awesome human qualities and we have lots of things to share ; both like to travel, have same taste in music so we would go to concerts together...I felt so good with him.
I found him really attractive physically and when I think about it, he was the man I've always dreamed to be with.
When we started dating I had no clue about his issues.
For the first time I felt like building something with someone, I was thinking about the future with him.
It took him a few months to tell me about the traumatic experience he went through, and still he didn't say much.Just a few words here and there. Like a puzzle.
I felt he was still suffering from it but I didn't realise how much at that time.
I learned he had a story of substance abuse too, which was hard to believe as he has such a healthy lifestyle now ( diet, regular exercise...)
Knowing that didn't change anything for me. I just loved him.
I found him really attractive physically and when I think about it, he was the man I've always dreamed to be with.
When we started dating I had no clue about his issues.
For the first time I felt like building something with someone, I was thinking about the future with him.
It took him a few months to tell me about the traumatic experience he went through, and still he didn't say much.Just a few words here and there. Like a puzzle.
I felt he was still suffering from it but I didn't realise how much at that time.
I learned he had a story of substance abuse too, which was hard to believe as he has such a healthy lifestyle now ( diet, regular exercise...)
Knowing that didn't change anything for me. I just loved him.
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