General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[simplyme]

I loved my husband before the PTSD and so I am supporting him through it.

 

[mandyuno]

I have to agree with you. MY bf was virtually symptom free for the first year in our relationship. He was the most loving and respectful person I have ever known. Am I supposed to let that go because he is having some problems right now? (He is not abusive just isolating) Isn't being abandoned the worst thing you can do for a sufferer?

 

[tardis]

Am I supposed to let that go because he is having some problems right now?

Of course not! That would be heartless and cruel. But that was not the question being raised. My girlfriend was asking, why begin to date a very ill person in the first place? Why purposely choose to put yourself in a very unhealthy situation, knowing upfront the person is unwell? She was not asking, why stay with someone who becomes ill after the commitment has been made. That is a different situation entirely.

 

[Kunoichi]

I have PTSD, so I am speaking as a sufferer.

When i met my DH, I was already 4 years in my abuse (I had not gotten out yet those who wish to know can read my diary) anyways, I already exhibited PTSD signs but of course didn't know they were there. I was always going blind at the time (it was a close call but I'm ok now). I had nightmares, obvious trust issues and scared of intimacy (due to the abuse- altho I didn't make all these connections...just thought, "Well that's how I am")

I was very upfront with my DH about my going blind and he told me (later after getting out of abuse) that he had seen some signs of abuse but couldn't pin it. I asked him and at times still do, why he stayed with me knowing that I was messed up.

He told me that he stayed with me because he loved me. And because he saw what I could be after my healing and that he didn't care what I had to go through that he wasn't leaving my side.

I know that with the PTSD, there have been some hard parts in the relationship (such as intimacy as well as dissociating all the time). but I think we have been able to be much closer because so much of eachother has to be shared to be able to have great communication and a relationship in spite of the past.

This is what my DH said, I know not every person will think this way but I am grateful for him and for staying with me despite everything.

 

[missy8888]

I agree

Yes thats very true.. but when you get emotional.. rational thinking sometimes is pushed aside. As in..

I can see beyond the ptsd. I see that my sufferer is sweet, honest, hard working, caring. And most of all, he wants to get better and find happiness. He is never abusive. He actually is always worried about everyone elses feelings. and doesnt want to hurt anyone.. He is amazing and i feel that I am the lucky one finding him.. Just because he has some issues doesnt mean he isnt worth the trouble. i think that for couples going trough this can bring you closer than a normal couple, cause you've had a few obstacles in the way. i resent that some people think carers are co dependant, or have their own issues... Please..... i think that for some carers... WE are just COMPASSIONATE, and are not shallow... I dont want to fix him or change him.. I simply want to be there and love him the way he is..... we are here because we care...

 

[tardis]

Why do you feel resentful about the issue of codependency? Some carers are codependent, so are some sufferers. I reckon that's just a fact, not everyone is in relationships for healthy reasons or the right reasons. Simply because its mentioned doesn't mean its directed at you. None of this thread is directed at anyone in particular. I reckon maybe I'm slow but I don't understand why people keep taking issue with this thread. I still think my girlfriend asked a good, legitimate question, she wasn't trying to criticize anyone. :dontknow:

 

[tardis]

Argh I reckon I shouldn't have said anything, being oversensitive tonight. Too late to edit now. Sorry. Just worried about my girlfriend, she's ill right now. I do still think she asked a good question though. There are some people who put up with a lot of bullshit from their partners, and I reckon I also wonder why, especially when it is abusive. Looking back at threads from when this question was originally asked, there were heaps of women on here with boyfriends who treated them like shit. Hardly a real relationship at all from what I read. Yet ironically, none of those women answered this question. Everyone who does answer seems to be in a decent relationship. Good for you all, that is my experience also. Anyhow sorry, need to shut up and stay out of here whilst my girl is ill especially. Too damn sensitive.

 

[upsidedowntopsyturvy]

I have PTSD and I don't date. Here's why I made that choice.

I have PTSD. I haven't dated since it happened and my marriage broke up three weeks later.
I don't date cos I can't TRUST. My husband belittled me after Phil died. He cheated. I haven't gotten over the trauma of finally letting myself love someone only to have them turn out to be such a louse.
I'm not sure I'll ever trust again. I'm not sure I'll recover, if I ever feel such love and abandonment again. I almost didn't survive all that happened to me.
Honestly, I'm ILL.
I won't start a relationship when I'm not healthy enough to be fair to another person. I can't let myself be set up again to get hurt.
I can't COPE with anymore loss.
I've built a wall around my feelings. The only reason I can even type them here is cos I know you guys understand, and I know the moderators PROTECT us. I feel more safe to give vent to my feelings here than anywhere else.
Whew.
That said a lot, huh?

 

[Tbam]

i dont think i would date someone who i knew had PTSD or severe depression. After years of dealing with it as a carer and feeling as though my best years and my kids childhoods were taken away, I could not offer anything positive to another sufferer. I am too angry and would be too angry.