General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[Frankie]

Very good points Kathy, and Batgirl I do understand what you are saying and why you are wondering why someone would want to get involved !

When I met my bf he was in therapy for 2 years already, and was at the point in his life where he was able to control his PTSD very well. He had gone through anger management, and he really was making the efforts to help himself.

Had I met him earlier on, who knows, I might not have been able to handle his problems and I wouldn't have gotten involved, cause I wouldn't have been able to see the "good" side of him.

When I met him, I didn't know right away that he had PTSD, but there was a chemistry between us that was very real and I wanted to keep on getting to know him. When he finally told me about his disorder, I didn't run away in fear, I stayed because by then I was falling in love with him. And I saw beyond it, I saw the caring and giving and funny man he was and I knew I could handle anything that came our way ! (I thought that way and I still do).

Also, I never saw the awful side of this disorder...well, not at the beginning ! To be quite honest, I didn't know much about it, I even thought that it could be cured completely !I even remember my friend being worried about what I was getting into. Right from the moment he told me about it, I started to do some research, wanting to learn about his disorder and then I found this site ! All these things have helped me a lot.

Right from the beginning he was able to give me what I needed in life. He has a lot to give.

I don't mean to say that it will always be like it is now...I know that there will be times that it will get the better of him, but loving him like I do, I am there for him for the duration. As I know he would be if something should happen to me.

And at the beginning, I thought that with my patience and caring I would help him get rid of it !.....Wow, was I naive and uneducated lol...I now know and realize that it will always be there, and no matter how much I love and how patient and understanding I am...it will always be there and ultimately he is the one that has to deal with it...I can only be there and support him.

I don't accept everything he does and he knows it. I am not there to "baby" him, nor do I treat him any differently then if he didn't have this disorder. Like in all relationships, there are things we accept and tolerate and there are things we don't.

I don't try to "fix" him, I have to deal with it because I want to deal with it. It is a personal choice that I made. We have managed to build a sound, healthy and loving relationship, with all its ups and downs !!!

 

[Nicolette]

Well said Frankie. I feel my position is similar to you and I do appreciate what you are saying.

 

[Andre]

Lots of elaborate discussion I can't quite understand here, but I'll give my opinion if you don't mind Evie. Many points of it have been said with more detail but maybe not so directly. A person doesn't stop being a person simply because of PTSD, though it can be quite convincing when you're very low. For romance a lot of it does go to physical and/or mental attraction. Even at the most extreme PTSD doesn't simply dictate what develops. You kind of conditioned your question to get the one kind of response about codependency, but its greater than that. I'll call it the appearance of a person, but meaning the total appearance and not just the surface-how that person behaves, what they like, etc. Everything that comes out while dating and that makes them unique. Everyone meets on that level, and starts a relationships on the basis of whether they like the appearance of the other. I can't even get close to qualifying this for all the possible deceptions that exist but it is the essential point.

After that is where PTSD can effect things since it alters that appearance and it goes to the tolerance of the other whether they can accept the change or not. Its more than just the give and take of affection (You were talking about that right?). Again, lots of things I don't really know about can qualify that in disorders, but those are exceptions not the general rule. And the sufferer has certain duties to keep things in check and prevent violent and intimidating behavior. Even in isolation from PTSD those behaviors cause major problems in relationships. Good behavior is required from both to make it work and if either don't do that then it fails, it must fail at that point. What I'm trying to say is to go back to your question of what the appeal could be to make a person date a sufferer, I think it would be decided based on those total appearances and whether it works or not decided by the limits of proper tolerance for change. Better word to use but I can't think of it now.

 

[Sairadance]

the man, not the illness

In response to your question, "why date someone who is ill"? Well, I guess my answer is pretty straight forward. I fell in love with a fabulous man first. Even though he was diagnosed 2 years before I met him, I fell in love with the man. He just happens to have a serious illness. I am not in denial nor do I believe I can fix him. I could only hope that if I ever had such an illness, that someone would see the person I am and all my good qualities. None of us are perfect and we all have issues fo sure, some more complex than others. With some patience and persistance, I hope to journey with him and I know for sure that I am learning so many things about myself along the way. I do understand how some people may not be ready for such a journey, it is very bumpy and very difficult. However, the rewards are incredible, just like the man I fell in love with...ilness and all.
Thank you for your post, it gave me much to think about.

 

[Nicolette]

Great explanation Sairadance. There is a lot of what you say which I agree with.

Good luck and may your journey have the least amounts of bumps possible!

 

[anthony]

A person doesn't stop being a person simply because of PTSD, though it can be quite convincing when you're very low.

That jumped out at me Andre.... well said.

 

[Kathy]

Yes that was a very good point Andre, very insightful. Evie is very ill right now and I believe her question was somewhat self-motivated. From discussion with her a couple of days back, the question is not so much why date anyone with PTSD, but moreso why date someone who is very ill or in crisis. I believe that was what she meant. She was thinking about someone like herself, who is almost incapacitated whilst ill, not someone who is able to "disguise" the PTSD for a time when first meeting, or able to function quite normally in their day to day living. At least that is what I am suspecting, she may correct me if I am wrong.

In any event, I have very much enjoyed everything that has been shared in this thread. It has given me insight as well, as I am not a spouse of someone with PTSD.

 

[upstream]

May I ask why you were offended? Were you in such a relationship yourself? I certainly meant no offense to anyone, simply giving my opinion based on my professional experience.

I was mostly thinking of my parents and grandparents, though I suppose it's possible that on some level I was thinking of myself as well. My issues, not yours... and I realize you meant no offense. I guess my post was more of a knee jerk reaction than anything else.

In my history and my parents history... behind all the dysfunction and illness and mental health terminology... there is a family and good memories and something real. I had a bad reaction to the idea that there might not be, it struck a nerve.

 

[Kathy]

Well I do sincerely apologize if it offended you Upstream, I honestly was only speaking in a very general way, not specific to anyone's situation here. Of course every family has their good and bad points, not everything is bad. It is good to read you are able to see the good in your family, that is very positive.

 

[upstream]

Apology not necessary... again my issues not yours. You have had different experiences than I have, and spoke to those.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

This thread has really hit home with me. I've been processing it over the past several days because perhaps this is my issue...that maybe I need to 'fix' someone.

Mental illness is something I'm very familiar with - father attempted suicide when I was 15, and was hospitalized again last year - so I'm drawn in by people with issues because I can identify with them. But, it's not so much because I have that desire to 'fix'... it's because I get it. I get the internal hell that a person can go thru. And, to me, it feels more human to know and express that with someone who has been there, too.

But, again - maybe that *is* an issue. Because, while I've been there, he IS there.

 

[upstream]

Kathy used words other than 'fix'

a strong desire to help, fix, rescue, care for, or even control the PTSD sufferer

Is one of these words a better fit for what you feel?