Why Did I Fight To Survive?

[Mercy]

I didn't fight then. I fight now.:furious:

And then the second rape happened. It was the day I almost became accomplice to his death. The day I admitted him to the psychiatric ward. The day I left home for good. The day I found out that I had been admitted to the college of my dreams. The day I died.

I don't understand, "The day I died.". Can you say more about that?

I am fighting now.:mad:

I am. But why?:no: I know that it's not for me. It's for the people who love me. :hug:If it were for me, I wouldn't be here. Maybe at one point I will learn how to forgive me and appreciate me and learn to fight for me. Not now though..

:wave:

I will help hold up that banner for you in my heart. There is so much hope and a sense of a good future when you will be able to see yourself as those who love, see you.

You have already won a decisive battle in the struggle to live a life that feels like it is worth living. You are able to let the love that other people have for you in. The evidence that one of your decisive battles is won is the way you post here, the kindness and the practical concern for each person is an amazing victory. You see, if the feeling of not wanting to live penetrated through you, your compassion, empathy, and connections just would not be possible.
Please let the love of the people in your life warm you.

 

[Nyx]

I don't understand, "The day I died.". Can you say more about that?

It was the day I stopped being myself and started living a hollow life. It was the day I started to deny what had happened and just started to live randomly. Also, the day I lost touch with my body and mind. Now, almost eight years later, I'm on my way to know myself again and start living again.

Please let the love of the people in your life warm you.

I'm trying. And thank you for reminding me this is a battle worth fighting. But I am afraid until I learn to forgive myself I will not allow myself the luxury of being warmed by others' love. I appreciate it, but at the same time feel not worthy for it, thus not receiving it completely, just contemplating it from afar.

 

[leanne1321]

It was the day I stopped being myself and started living a hollow life. It was the day I started to deny what had happened and just started to live randomly. Also, the day I lost touch with my body and mind.

Nyx, I completely get this! I don't know when it started, or even when it stopped, but during my teenage years, it was like I wasn't living, I was just existing. Life had no meaning, sort of like the saying... the lights are on, but nobody's home!

 

[Mercy]

Nyx, forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of this war we wage for our freedom and sanity. It is so much easier to find fault with ourselves than place the blame securely where it belongs. Dependant children absorb the guilt to 'neutralize' the life threatening poison with which they are surrounded.

This poison is not your fault, could never have been your fault. Children do not produce toxic environments, adults do. The feeling of being toxic or guilty only grows within us as we grow. We seem to keep soaking guilt up even when we are grown. It's all we know how to do to keep safe.

Freedom from guilt, freedom to love your friends and husband, freedom to like yourself and honor yourself are all waiting for you to catch up. Personified freedom,( Lady Liberty in NYC?), is waiting to embrace you when you let your guard down.

I found that much of my guilt was like the lid on a pressure cooker. It kept lots of other feelings closed down and hidden.

The time will come when you are safe and ready to be able to slowly let go of guilt feelings. It can be a natural as watching the tides come in and letting out a little guilt as the tide withdraws each day. Softly and gently, tenderly caring.

 

[Howard Beal]

You are a stronger person than I.

That's what teens do. Beleve it or not there will come a time when she will need you
& love you more than you know. It's just a phase

 

[Nyx]

You are a stronger person than I.

That's what teens do. Beleve it or not there will come a time when she will need you & love you more than you know. It's just a phase

Are you talking about my mom? If so, know that she does love me. She always did. She just shut down because she couldn't handle the situation. It seems I took it hard, but I also understand.