Why Do I Always Attract Toxic Friends? I Feel Plagued

JGTRG

Learning
Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic people. I almost feel as if there is a banner on my forehead or something about me that draws toxic people to me. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. I was surrounded by abusers & toxic people growing up. In addition to that, I was bullied in school a lot, got bullied in college. As an adult I've had a job where I was on the receiving end of bullying from a boss or a co-worker & in these instances if I ever stood up for myself, I was the one who got into trouble, not the person bullying me. I've had patterns of attracting toxic friends as well, people that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior. These guys are relentless & ridiculously aggressive in their approach, refuse to take "no" for an answer, in addition they aren't very appealing & very disrespectful.

Then on occasion I'll meet a girl who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls, only after sex, and only wants my money. I'm starting to think, "What the hell is it about my luck? & What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this? I don't go to bars or night clubs. I'm not really loud & obnoxious or anything bad. I have been told many times that I'm an handsome guy, a nice guy & that I look like someone who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I see all the other people like all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people that get to be in healthy relationships with the person they wanna be with. The exact guy/girl they get to be with. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have decent friends in their lives who truly care for them & respect them, and they can get any friends that they want. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have friends and their girlfriends that understand their bad past and present. I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why I can't have the same.

I just feel like a walking magnet for every creep, loser, bully, crazy, etc... & I'd like to figure out how to stop it. Is it me? Is this something I should blame myself for? I don't really feel like I can talk to many people about this because most of the answers I get tend to only make me feel worse. I hear things like, "You are what you attract, so if you attract losers, creeps, bullies etc.. then you must be one too." I'll also hear, "Well, there's something about you that attracts this, so you are bringing this onto yourself." I've also heard things like, "Well, you should be flattered if a loser, creep, crazy, bully, etc... hits on you, you need to lower your standards & come down off your high horse." Then recently I heard, "Well, people bully you because anyone can tell just by looking at you that your a stuck up little b**** & you need to be brought back down to earth. Everything about you draws people's hatred right to the surface. Just you being you gets people to hate you."

I have cut all the people out of my life its ridiculous. I really wish that I could find decent people in my life who truly care for me & respect me. If I end up having a girlfriend again, she has to truly care for me & respect me. I mean I don't mind being alone, but having toxic friends, girlfriends, and people in my life is the worst.

It seems like attracting toxic friends, girlfriends, & people has been a life long curse for me. I really wish it would stop. Is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues?
Hi there.
I wanted to give my opinion as someone in a very similar position. It sometimes helps.
I have some good friends, unfortunately they’ve moved away but they have continued to be good friends, they just aren’t there all the time, and we catch up now again, but they remain there if I need them.
BUT I have also a long history to date of attracting real shitty people. Those shitty people from what I know, tend to be hurting themselves too.
This is currently my big focus in my journey to healing - intimate relationships with others. My abuse came from caregivers. People will always tell you, that you attract what you feel inside. There is some truth in that but it just isn’t that black and white. After so much evaluation of every single relationships for me, I have always attracted what reflects my Father. He wasn’t the abuser but he was my safety net, my Mother hurt me so bad. I go for men who reflect my Fathers traits, and unfortunately it never, and has never ended well. He’s a very guarded, no emotion, protector. It’s not ended well for me. There’s certainly truth in we look for further partners that reflect a caregiver.
For Me, I truly think people take my masses of empathy and kindness for granted. I let so much go that others maybe not, I’m a ‘fixer’.
I am currently In the process of trying to break that cycle because my most recent break-up broke me, absolutely and completely and I can’t repeat this for the rest of my life. This is a huge step for me, but it’s real hard.
i have gone back into my shell, until I can find someone who I feel safe with, who will understand me and work with me and not against me, no idea how that looks, but i will get there.
My advice is to really deeply evaluate your past relationships/friendships and be very honest with yourself.
A therapist is good, but one that specialises in attachment, relationships.
You will get there, it will be hard, but you will for sure.
Always happy to lend an ear
 

Joey9999

New Here
Hi there.
I wanted to give my opinion as someone in a very similar position. It sometimes helps.
I have some good friends, unfortunately they’ve moved away but they have continued to be good friends, they just aren’t there all the time, and we catch up now again, but they remain there if I need them.
BUT I have also a long history to date of attracting real shitty people. Those shitty people from what I know, tend to be hurting themselves too.
This is currently my big focus in my journey to healing - intimate relationships with others. My abuse came from caregivers. People will always tell you, that you attract what you feel inside. There is some truth in that but it just isn’t that black and white. After so much evaluation of every single relationships for me, I have always attracted what reflects my Father. He wasn’t the abuser but he was my safety net, my Mother hurt me so bad. I go for men who reflect my Fathers traits, and unfortunately it never, and has never ended well. He’s a very guarded, no emotion, protector. It’s not ended well for me. There’s certainly truth in we look for further partners that reflect a caregiver.
For Me, I truly think people take my masses of empathy and kindness for granted. I let so much go that others maybe not, I’m a ‘fixer’.
I am currently In the process of trying to break that cycle because my most recent break-up broke me, absolutely and completely and I can’t repeat this for the rest of my life. This is a huge step for me, but it’s real hard.
i have gone back into my shell, until I can find someone who I feel safe with, who will understand me and work with me and not against me, no idea how that looks, but i will get there.
My advice is to really deeply evaluate your past relationships/friendships and be very honest with yourself.
A therapist is good, but one that specialises in attachment, relationships.
You will get there, it will be hard, but you will for sure.
Always happy to lend an ear

That's a really good post that you wrote. My abuse did came from my caregivers which is my family. So I think that's why for me I attracted the fake friends and fake girlfriends (the fakers came to me and I didn't go to them) my whole life was because of my caregivers. I just want to attract the good ones that reflects my family in the good ways and not the bad ways. Yeah, people take my kindness for granted. So right now for me, I'm working on trying to attract the good people that could really like me, respect me, understand me, who I feel safe with, and work with me and not against me. Thank you for your advice, I will do that.
 

Joey9999

New Here
Update about me everyone: Recently, I tried to do my best to be nice and normal to my friend Rene (male) to get him back to being friends with me, get his trust again, but I guess he didn't do his part back by being nice and normal to me. I wished him a happy birthday last year, but he didn't wish me a happy birthday last year, and he wasn't even busy, he just chose not to wish me a happy birthday last year, and he fully knew what date is my birthday, and I was sad about it like my birthday didn't matter to him. When I called him to talk to him, he asked me for a advice about his brother that could help him and his brother talk to eachother again. I tried to help him and I think I did a good job, but he didn't appreciate me even though I helped him first, he only appreciated the other person even though the person was second to help him with his problems, so I was upset that I didn't get the credit at all. So the banner in my forehead says that I can't be forgiven and can't get his trust again even though all the other people I know gets to be forgiven and get their trust again. (does not matter if their mistakes are big or small) So basically, I can't be forgiven or get anybody's trust again. (doesn't matter to them if my mistakes are big or small) I guess I'll have to accept that I'll end up being treated like shit by fake friends and fake girlfriends, so I think I'll have to end up being alone forever.
 

JGTRG

Learning
Update about me everyone: Recently, I tried to do my best to be nice and normal to my friend Rene (male) to get him back to being friends with me, get his trust again, but I guess he didn't do his part back by being nice and normal to me. I wished him a happy birthday last year, but he didn't wish me a happy birthday last year, and he wasn't even busy, he just chose not to wish me a happy birthday last year, and he fully knew what date is my birthday, and I was sad about it like my birthday didn't matter to him. When I called him to talk to him, he asked me for a advice about his brother that could help him and his brother talk to eachother again. I tried to help him and I think I did a good job, but he didn't appreciate me even though I helped him first, he only appreciated the other person even though the person was second to help him with his problems, so I was upset that I didn't get the credit at all. So the banner in my forehead says that I can't be forgiven and can't get his trust again even though all the other people I know gets to be forgiven and get their trust again. (does not matter if their mistakes are big or small) So basically, I can't be forgiven or get anybody's trust again. (doesn't matter to them if my mistakes are big or small) I guess I'll have to accept that I'll end up being treated like shit by fake friends and fake girlfriends, so I think I'll have to end up being alone forever.
From what you have said in this entire thread, my observations are;

1. why are you looking for friendships with the very people who have caused such sadness in the past?
2. you seem to be trying to go back to the people you say hurt you, and then blaming yourself. Thus, strengthening your thoughts that you aren’t worthy of friendship/relationships. Vicious cycle. Typical of those who experience abuse.

The people that hurt you cannot heal you.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
I relate. Held on for dear life to people who were not good for me. Understandably I think given my history.

Learning to let go of friendships which are bad for you is the way to go. You can't ever make someone else behave the way you want them to. That's not how friendships work.

I've gotten some good help out of trying to become friends with myself. I figure eventually that will pay off for me.

Well wishes
 

Joey9999

New Here
From what you have said in this entire thread, my observations are;

1. why are you looking for friendships with the very people who have caused such sadness in the past?
2. you seem to be trying to go back to the people you say hurt you, and then blaming yourself. Thus, strengthening your thoughts that you aren’t worthy of friendship/relationships. Vicious cycle. Typical of those who experience abuse.

The people that hurt you cannot heal you.
1. Well, I tried to look for new friendships years ago at college, but none of them really liked me. The reason why I'm looking for friendships with the very people that hurt me is because recently, when I went out of CVS pharmacy just to pick up my prescriptions to walk back home, some creepy old lady was talking weird to me. I tried walking away from her, but she was following me around, and it made me lose patience of being alone because people like me who are alone all the time gets the creepy losers to follow me because I'm alone and an handsome person. I just got tired of being the only one to get the creepy people instead of the nice and normal people. I can handle being alone, but not by getting creepy people only. I figured that if I had at least 1 friend in real life, I wouldn't be surrounded by the creeps.
2. You're right, what was I thinking of trying to go back to the people that I say hurt me. Maybe I should just move on from the abusive friendships that I had.
3. I was happy being alone, but when I was getting nothing but creeps in real life still because of me being alone, that made me unhappy. So I think that's why I wasn't thinking, and it got me desperate of trying to get the very people that hurt me in the past back.

You're right, the people that hurt me cannot heal me.

I relate. Held on for dear life to people who were not good for me. Understandably I think given my history.

Learning to let go of friendships which are bad for you is the way to go. You can't ever make someone else behave the way you want them to. That's not how friendships work.

I've gotten some good help out of trying to become friends with myself. I figure eventually that will pay off for me.

Well wishes
You're right, I have to learn to let go of friendships which are bad for me, and it's the way to go. You're right on that one too that I can't ever make someone else behave the way I want them to.
 

JGTRG

Learning
1. Well, I tried to look for new friendships years ago at college, but none of them really liked me. The reason why I'm looking for friendships with the very people that hurt me is because recently, when I went out of CVS pharmacy just to pick up my prescriptions to walk back home, some creepy old lady was talking weird to me. I tried walking away from her, but she was following me around, and it made me lose patience of being alone because people like me who are alone all the time gets the creepy losers to follow me because I'm alone and an handsome person. I just got tired of being the only one to get the creepy people instead of the nice and normal people. I can handle being alone, but not by getting creepy people only. I figured that if I had at least 1 friend in real life, I wouldn't be surrounded by the creeps.
2. You're right, what was I thinking of trying to go back to the people that I say hurt me. Maybe I should just move on from the abusive friendships that I had.
3. I was happy being alone, but when I was getting nothing but creeps in real life still because of me being alone, that made me unhappy. So I think that's why I wasn't thinking, and it got me desperate of trying to get the very people that hurt me in the past back.

You're right, the people that hurt me cannot heal me.
As Teasel said, being friends with your self is the way forward. Understanding you, providing yourself with the friendship you seek and desire. And more importantly, the compassion you seek and deserve.
 

Joey9999

New Here
As Teasel said, being friends with your self is the way forward. Understanding you, providing yourself with the friendship you seek and desire. And more importantly, the compassion you seek and deserve.
I never thought that being friends with myself is the way forward, that's a really good idea, I'll try to do that. So I really liked what Teasel said. Thank you and Teasel for helping me with my problems. You guys are awesome. :)
 

JGTRG

Learning
I never thought that being friends with myself is the way forward, that's a really good idea, I'll try to do that. So I really liked what Teasel said. Thank you and Teasel for helping me with my problems. You guys are awesome. :)
You’re welcome. Good luck in your journey.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
think it's coming from my caregivers that is making me attract the wrong people. So I think that's why I've been attracting them all my life. Yeah, it is about having to do everything right to win the right people like the nice, normal, and smart people. I'm glad that you have a husband that is nice and accepts you for who you are.
Still working on this.. Never ending process..
just wanted to suggest a book here called „People’s magnet Syndrom“ from R. Rosenberg! All the best to you!
 
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