Why Do I Do These Things To Myself?

[TLight]

Ok, so I have complex PTSD with strong elements of DID, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, on and on. 90% of the time I feel like I'm on the verge of a full blown panic attack or rage fit, or so incredably hypervigilant I want to kill my husband for touching my hand.

That said, I seem to continue to put myself in triggering situations, then go through the hall of shame, the "I'm a failure cause I can't handle this" BS, and the inevitable dissapointment and greiving over how limited I really am.

I attempt to ride dressage and a Russian trainer who is very good comes here for another boarder. I decided to start taking lessons. After several sometimes 2-3 hour lessons, I do learn, but it comes with tons of Yelling, Berating, and her expressing her frustration toward me for not 'getting it' immediately.

Excuse me folks, I'm on a 1200 lb animal with a mind of his own and I'm being shouted what seems like a million different instructions at once and all I want to do is be a better rider! My brain goes 'blink' and all the sudden I'm the worst rider in the world. I get yelled at for not keeping exactly on a 15 meter circle cause my horse is busy vering away from one corner of the arena where my husband decided to stick two cows who are terrifying to my horse.
I flipped my horse after a spook in April and he landed on top of me nearly breaking my neck, I could literally feel my neck snap as he rolled over me.

So then I specifically asked her to ride him down by the cows. She gently says we won't press the issue, then after two hours of this berating, I'm expected to ride the test whick includes medium canter down this long side and I'M FREAKIN TERRIFIED. I tell her I can't do it and ask her to get him used to the cows yet again. She gets the look of a parent on her and says FINE, DISMOUNT IMMEDIATELY, and she stomps off to get her helmet.

I left crying and in a rage. I just left my horse in the arena, got in my car, got a case of beer and began to smoke and drink on a side road.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not change?

ps. I emailed her and told her I couldn't continue due to the stress exacerbating my Fibromyalgia. I was one of her go to riders for a clinic she's giving here in two weeks, now she might have to cancel the clinic.

 

[intothelight]

TLight,

It's your horse, your barn and honestly, your life. Learning to be a better rider is great, but it doesn't happen when someone is yelling and giving a million instructions at one time.

I have PTSD, and started riding shortly after I completed radiation as a way to strengthen my back. I had someone who was trying to "help" me by giving me too many instructions at once. I didn't give up on my goal, but I got someone else to help me who understood that I need instructions given to me one at a time, feedback that is gentle, and someone who has patience. After all, the goal is to enjoy riding, so get yourself another instructor who works with you.

It is nothing that you did, it is their manner and it just doesn't work for you, and it wouldn't work for me. Also, I would do some de-spooking work with the cows on the ground or remove the cows from the barn. It is not worth risking a fall.

JMHO

 

[Sailorgal]

Ditto. Safety and health first TL! Hope you find a more compatible instructor next time. OR keep her around IF she is willing to listen and work WITH you.

 

[TLight]

Thanks guys...........I live here, so I'll find myself hiding when she's here now.

 

[TLight]

I worked with Riley and actually took him in the arena with the calves last night. He has already come a long way, but they are normally kept in a stall next to that end and the horses can't see them, only smell and here.

I actually have been tacking him up, feeding him treats, and lunging at that end. Prior to mounting yesterday I wanted to mount by the cows. She said 'no....don't push the issue.'.........then I'm expected to medium canter down the rail right next to them in the after two hours?

I f*cking hate people more and more. I know this isn't my fault and I should be able to move on,but as the barn owner she's pressuring me to get my bronze and the clinic, etc. We are making no money on the clinic, a measly 10% and that will barely pay for the food.

My husband is pondering today on whether or not just to cancel it. Her student already sent us sort of a snotty email wondering when her ride times were....I referred her to the calendar that the trainer herself set up ride times on, the student replied she thought we were the 'big kahunas' and it was our responsibility. I felt like it was snotty.

I adjusted all the times to fit her and apologized for not realizing this was my responsiblity.
Urghhhh.........I essentially want this all over. I hate people and their passive aggressive bs.

 

[saffy]

She is the wrong type of trainer for you and is too directive and authoritative rather that encouraging and working with you to move forward in your riding and chosen discipline. She is the type of trainer that is focused on using the horses as a medal making machine rather that appreciating the horse for the magnificent animal it is. I have seen and studied lots of teaching methods and this is not a recommended teaching method for those who value their relationship with their horse and want to feel happy with it all. Riding is suppose to be fun and spiritual.

Please change your trainer and find someone who is in tune with how you want to learn and how you value your horse.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Rumors]

Doesn't this all boil down to boundaries and trust?

Using your horse as an example, he is saying "hey, scared shitless of the cows and you haven't done anything to make me think I can count on you to protect me from them or educate me about them so I am going to shy every time you try and make me go by them." Your horse clearly has set his boundaries. If we could as clearly set our boundaries with other people, we might one day be as smart as a horse! Being a horse person myself, I can tell you that the only way to make that horse go by those cattle are for him to trust you and believe in your guidance enough to push through it. Your apprehension in yourself, the guidance you are receiving, resonates through your seat. In other words, your horse knows you are apprehensive. You don't follow someone without a game plan into war, right? To that horse, those cows are war! I think you should set your boundaries, follow through with them and your riding will become more confident thus giving your horse confidence. Dump the riding instructor too while your at it! What an idiot! If she has that kind of temper on the ground, imagine what she would bully a horse into doing. No respect!
Find the faith you need in yourself! Good luck!

 

[saffy]

Let her cancel the clinic also. She does not deserve to take clinics as her teaching manner if far from ideal. She is teaching for getting a personal pat on the back nothing to do with how the rider does. She will see anyone who fails as a useless rider rather than blame her teaching methods, which is what she should really be doing. Loud gobby teachers are not any good for anyone and they have limited experience in the behaviour of the horse themselves and get through life through bullying and force. That is not a good horsemaster.

Her berating made it ten times worse because she made you tense. By being tense the horse feels this and this makes them worry too. The horse does not realise you are tense because of the teacher, he feels you are tense because of the cows and so cows must be frightening. This is the point of any spook training. Or riding come to think of it. The point is that your horse should feel you at ease and that you will guide and protect it. If you are a nervous tense wreck on top the horse is just going to be the same. Nobody like to see a horse like this, or rider come to think of it.

Based on your past experience and your rehabilitation back to riding you need to find someone who works with riding psychology as part of their teaching methods as this will work on your riding issues or tenseness, concentration and focus, anxiety and horse/rider relationships.

I hope you find someone else quickly before this puts you off forever, which will be a great shame.

Going back to your question as to why you do this to yourself, it could be a form of self abuse and protection. It is almost like punishing yourself for the guilt and also protecting yourself through forgetting the problem through drink. It is a way of calming your self down in a way. Feelings and emotions get so over wrought that it is easy to spiral into past behaviour like drinking as a way of dealing with them. You might not have other skills to help you at the moment.

I hope you get it sorted and can move on from this in a positive way.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[TLight]

Thanks everyone; we did cancel the clinic and likely her and her ONE student left will be leaving the barn. She's had two clinics canceled in the last two months for lack of riders and as far as I can tell, she only has one real student, the other one is done by video.

Yes, she definately puts 'point's first' and getting the bronze,e tc etc no matter how many times I tried to tell her I just want to be a better rider and make a better relationship with my horse. Doesn't even seem to enter into her brain, even though I told her I wasn't much into the idea of showing. She insisted that me getting a medal would allow me to increase the board at my barn. blah blah blah

Plus, the one rider she does have, she pushed and pushed one day, then turned around and gave herself a 'high five' for being such a good trainer.........made me very wary.

I'm thinking about my T appt yesterday. He says people are not necessarily dangerous, at least not like they were before. I guess he's right.......but convince my nervous system they aren't dangerous is a different matter, especially when they are cruel and disrespectful, that triggers me something awful.

Had a full blown flashback a few days ago. Still recovering......ok, so I'll work on convincing all these people inside me that they are safe around people. Boy, that's a tough one. I think my T has only worked with people with PTSD from one experience, like he told me a story about a woman who was raped in the park, now she was triggered by bushes............ok, so I think i'd be successful about getting over the bush trigger. But having been tortured and molested by my father, terrified of my mother, in a neighborhood sex ring as a child, raped and knifed as an adult.........ah, and all he can do is to tell me to read a self help book.

At this point I pretty much only see him to get my drugs. I've had a lot of therapists and this one is makiing me feel like I'm some kind of super negative person who can't see any positives.....well live my life a hole.........then I'll refer you to a happy happy self help book. Wish I didn't have to see him, but tired of the T merry-go-round. Just want my meds and I"ll cope on my own.

 

[JustBe]

OK, so the trainer from hell is on the way out :tup:

Now it's time for a new T ;)

 

[safenow]

I've had therapists just like yours. I'm sorry, but they don't deserve the title "therapist". They are idiots. You could get books without paying him. Every library has books. In fact, if you want the name of a good one for your type of issues, send me a private message, i'll give you the name and author.

I've been talking to therapist and other types of doctors since I was 7 years old. That's over 60 years. They have all tried to help in their own ways, but out of them all, plus the mental hospitals, I've learned the most from three of them, and studying on my own. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold, but all those not so good ones can cause years of trauma above what you've already been through.

Good luck, and I'm glad you got rid of your trainer. She was not a match for you at all. How is your horse doing now around the cows? I understand you are working with him/her (the horse).

safenow

 

[TLight]

He's doing pretty well, still looky lou, which makes me tense a bit, but yesterday we did trot and canter circles right in front of their stalls and I was really busy keeping him busy. I figure if his feet are moving and he has to think about that, he won't think about them.

I know, yet another Therapist...urgh. Not sure I'm up to the search. I've heard so much BS. Like I don't mediatite, do yoga, practice breathing, All bandaids if you ask me. I'm still suffereing bad. I've been doing those things for years without their help.

Pissses me off. Any idiot can get a degree (I have two!). I really can't stand this guy. If he gets out his book again and refers me to a page to read it I think I might actually throw the tissue box at him. He knows it too.

Bone head. Then he goes up to a chalk board and writes down words like 'rage' 'numbness'...........dear God the BS I put up with. Doesn't he know I understand this condition way more than he does.

His final words yesterday was, there is joy around you Terri, all you have to do is see it and recognize those moments and build on it.

Yes, I agree and don't you think I'm trying like freakin hell! I'm still suffereing horribly being triggered by humans. But I'll put on the happy face and tell myself the freakin flowers are beautiful and hold onto ice packs just to make it through the day and then when I lay down and take my pill to sleep, I'll tell myself there was so much joy in the day...........