Why Do I Have To Be Polite?!

[sun seeker]

I'm disgusted with this about myself. There's a neighbour - not close, thank goodness, a few blocks away - that I know a little but rarely talk to. He's not a good person. I am friends with his ex wife and from her accounts know him to be an abuser that she has spent years getting over a terrible relationship with. I avoid him like the plague, but today I was out walking and ran into him doing the same, and he was in a chatty mood and stopped me to talk, wanting to know everything from my opinions on religion to my favourite leisure activities, even inviting me out (I got out of that one). He's outwardly so charming, it's hard to disengage without feeling like I am being rude. This went on until I made up some excuse about something I had to do at home. But why do I even care about being rude to someone like that? I want to say "I know who you really are, and I want nothing to do with you, good riddance!" My guess is he's a narcissist, charming on the surface until you get to know him. If he acted the way he really is inside I'd have no problem not standing there talking to him, but this outward charm leaves me feeling like I'm supposed to at least be polite, if not friendly, or it looks like I'm the one with the problem. Aarggh.

 

[shimmerz]

Because you are a woman. Because you are Canadian. Because you hate conflict. Because you were taught to be nice no matter what. The list goes on and on but most is, imho, because you were socialized to be so.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Perhaps it's because he's not done anything wrong to you.

 

[holdenmonty]

I hate being polite but I hate being the bad guy even worse or having people think that I'm some horrible person or something.

 

[Recovery4Me]

There is serious delight & a power rush that goes with targeting the next 'mark' for the abuser &/or narcissist. Their need of supply is endless and quite often several others are being groomed at a time.

It is preciously that he knows that you knew of the 'alleged' abuse (in his eyes) that it becomes such a power feel or rush. Slowly he parades his disarming charm and ask you out within the mix, attentively listening for the openings, hesitations, excuses...none which flatly stated," No." All offering a high within the hunt, all offering his ego the whisper of "soon".

You are now within his line of site, and he does not have to hurry it. You are already thinking about him and what happened. Depending on how his other seasonal game is lining up, will preface his next move. He has nothing but time and the world is full of polite women.

 

[RussH]

I think the answer is a simple one; you are a nice person, and it is your nature to be nice.
However being nice does not mean you have to engage in conversation with him. The next time just tell him you know his ex wife and you are not interested.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Recovery4Me That is probably the most chilling description of a narcissist I have ever read. It's one thing to know they exist in the back of your mind. But to see it phrased like this. Yikes.

@sun seeker I wonder if your politeness in this instance is more a show of strength, a way of saying "yeah, I know what you are. I am not afraid of you. See, I can even force myself to be nice to you. That's how beneath me you are, jerk."
Although being Canadian could have something to do with it. lol

Creepy sounding guy though.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You did your best. Awkward situation for you. I would avoid him in the future and express silence to him if he corners you again catching you off guard. You do not have to say anything at all. No thanks to him, You are a pleasant person and it is in your best interests not to piss him off.

You got out of going out with him which is very good. You will be better prepared the next time of that I am sure. Good luck.

 

[shimmerz]

Although being Canadian could have something to do with it. lol

You think so too, eh? lol.

@Recovery4Me I agree with @Neverthesame as far as your description of a narcissist goes. So well put.

@sun seeker , I hated myself for being nice. I hated my parents for raising me to be nice, I hated the world for being so cruel and so the list goes on and on. I have now cut myself some slack (albeit not much slack) for being who I am. I try to use phrases when I 'get that feeling' of being not so well matched if around narcs. I have learned to never give an answer as I have no idea what game is. I look at the time and let them know I have a conference call in 5 minutes. It is the only way I can 'get out' without being rude (which matters to me).
Don't bash yourself around. He would be thrilled if he knew you were. Never give a narc what they want. They will come back to you over and over again. *Shudders*

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks everyone. @shimmerz, the part about "because you're Canadian" made me laugh, but there's an element of truth to it. It's also my mother, the religion I was raised in, etc., etc. You're right.

@Recovery4Me - wow. Chilling is right. I can tell you've had some narcissists in your life. I was married to one, a fact I took way too long to realize. The scary thing is how easy it is to get hooked, I mean someone who didn't know who he really was would fall for the charm. How the heck do you tell until you're in too deep?

@Neverthesame, I think I know what you mean, I do that with some people but more when they are actually being difficult and I am nice to them as a way of saying I don't have to descend to their level. With this guy it was more like without acknowledging that I know who he is, I don't have an excuse not to be polite to him because he's not giving me any obvious reason. Maybe he's sending out feelers to see how much I know?

@RussH, thank you... I just wish I knew how to not be nice once in a while when called for, without feeling terrible about myself.

I think the best I can do if this happens again is be in a hurry to go somewhere.

 

[sun seeker]

It is the only way I can 'get out' without being rude (which matters to me).

See, you're right, it's a Canadian thing! :-)

 

[City Slicker]

You think so too, eh? lol.

Thank you so much for the pure joyful chuckle - I needed that after a very long day today!