Why Do I Still Have Suicidal Thoughts?

[Cool Cat]

In a way I've never been better. I'm sleeping and eating better than ever. I haven't had a panic attack in weeks and I haven't self-harmed in two months. Two weeks ago I had to go an extra week without seeing my T and for once it was manageable and not extraordinarily stressful. I don't think about Therapy all the time, when a few weeks ago I was on an almost one-track-mind. I look healthy and I feel healthier.

And yet, I still get really suicidal thoughts. Not all the time but definitely several times a day, especially recently. I ask myself the When, How, Where and Why's. What's the story? Why am I still getting suicidal thoughts when I haven't been as mentally healthy and 'stable' in over 16 months?

 

[WillyKat]

There's that and a dozen other mysteries of PTSD. In PTSDland, 2+1=17, but only on Tuesdays, sense doesn't make, and shit doesn't flow downhill but toward us.

I know how you feel. I've been there myself and it's still sometimes a problem. My recommendation is to work on grounding and living in the present moment. With PTSD, we obsess about the past and dread the future but pay too little attention to the now. The other recommendation is to find a purpose in life, like using your better health to help others.

 

[Cool Cat]

Cheers @WillyKat
I'm just confused because there's no reason to be feeling suicidal atm, since I'm looking after myself so well etc

 

[desiderata310]

@Cool Cat
my experience is that this is what always happens. If I am at either end of the spectrum I go to suicidal. Things are shit: suicidal. Things are fantastic and I have every reason to be happy? suicidal. When I am somewhere in the middle and clawing, I don't feel suicidal.
I don't know. I'm in the midst of clawing but slipping towards shit.

Anyway... just a thought.

 

[GWhizz]

I wish I could help you answer this.

For me, it's the indefinite re-experiencing that causes the suicidal thoughts to fire up on an otherwise ''normal'' day.

I just have to try to ground myself and remind myself of the good things I have - not easy when other thoughts take over. But I'm trying to be as proactive as possible and not let this beat me - I feel I sat back the last year and let these feelings take me over in a way. And I feel the only way to get the better of them is to not allow them to win anymore. It's frustrating when the feelings just don't let up, especially compulsive thoughts. But I'm trying to take the approach now that this is something I can control. Before I saw cutting as a form of control - I could choose how much I hurt. Now I have the complete opposite (healthier) approach. I can control how I react to these thoughts/feelings.

Stay strong. Sounds like you're doing really well.

 

[WillyKat]

I agree w/ @GWhizz. There are a lot of compulsive ruminations: past girlfriends, suicide, that time when that SOB did x to you, that one day at work when y. You get the picture. They don't need a reason; it's just your brain doing what it has become accustomed to doing.

When I talked to my therapist about this once, she had this suggestion: try thinking about it. Make it a point to think about it. Set up a time of day, like 4pm or so, to think about it. I tried this and found I couldn't do it. It was like it had to happen on automatic, not manual.

Pretty crazy shit isn't it?

 

[Friday]

I'm in a bit of a stall at the moment. Had some really intense stuff earlier this week, culmination of about 2 years worth of stress. So I've been suicidal all week. I expected it. It's part of my pattern: intense thing vanishes, void replaces it, ideation & impulse cometh. So it's not that bad.

I have a few patterns like that, that I'm familiar with. Sky high emotions are always, always, always followed by a crash unless I cushion the blow & gentle the landing. Periods of crisis are met with calm, but the moment I'm actually safe/after the fact I fall to pieces. The sudden removal of stress = suicidal ideation or impulse.

It isn't always helpful / useful knowing my patterns. But it usually is. If only in not taking them seriously. One better, is when I can actively prevent / skirt the pattern. Like sex kicks me out of ideation, or an adrenaline rich activity can soften the landing for over the moon emotional rushes, etc. Ditto, knowing the pattern and it's solution can keep me from making mistakes I used to make on a regular basis. I don't go hopping bed to bed, anymore, just because I'm suicidal. If I'm dating someone? Awesome. But if I'm not, I'm not compelled to go hunting just to bring me back to reality. It's a bonus, not a necessity. Or, as one of my exes used to say; Being needed. Almost as good as being wanted. These days, I want things, instead of need them. If someone is in my life? It's because I want them there. I'm okay with wanting things, and not getting them. Whether it's wanting strong arms to curl up in, or wanting to die. I can want it, but not need it. So I can wait. Helluva lot of power in that.

 

[Ellabella44]

yeah i still get this off and on , not as bad as when i first had my breakdown over a year ago... its worse when im stressed and feeling that im worthless and yeah i have a family who loves me ( husband and kids) so i shouldnt be feeling this. most times i can tell it to shut up. if not , just have to ride it out and see whats behind it. I found this has gotten better, and fewer after I stopped drinking.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Hi Cool Cat

Firstly just want to say - I think you're doing great. The fact that you've called yourself mentally stable and healthy and that you actively recognise this is where you are is so amazing.

I also really want to say please don't be so hard on yourself! Nobody is perfect. It is ok to not be 100% perfect and you are only human. Further, if you are on here it means you are an extraordinary human that has dealt with extraordinary things in life which most do not face.

I won't delve away from this, but I have spoken about my experiences on the thread "Why Shouldn't I Commit Suicide?". It sounds like you agree with me on the issue of suicide, and the fact that you are asking why you suddenly feel suicidal implies that you don't want to feel this way. That doesn't sound like you are slipping back, that actually sounds like you are doing really well.

If you are experiencing suicidal feelings, definitely reach out to your trusted medical team, either your doctor or therapist and let them know. It sounds like you are still quite in control, so maybe talk to someone and sort this out early.

Wish you all the best