Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[K201]

This is very interesting and informative to read. I come here fairly often, to this forum, and it quite literally keeps me sane sometimes.

This is interesting I feel my ptsd sufferer is pushing away right now he's kind of in a shut down and I feel myself having those feelings of "how could he do this if he loves me etc." like you were saying. Also my friends and family don't understand either this is just the first time it has happened and I'm new to this so I'm scared I guess- for lack of a better word. I feel very abandoned at this time but he opened up to me a bit yesterday which comforts me. How do you come back to being rational after those feelings of " shock and sadness of losing him for an unknown time"?? I feel I'm very much still in that state....

 

[Rosanne]

My husband and I struggle with this push/pull scenario constantly. The problem I am having is that after 8 years of this, I am feeling angry and alone. I don't feel that I have the energy to pull him back anymore. He was only diagnosed with PTSD in September of 2013, and I am seeing some very minor improvement with his weekly theraphy and medications, but as soon as I see him start to pull away, my reaction comes on so strong now. I almost wonder if being with him for so long has actually caused me to be a sufferer also. We can go days without speaking, living in the same house. I am not sure if things would be better if I left with our 8 year old and left him to deal with this from a distance. As you can probably tell, my thoughts are all over the place today. sorry :(

 

[K201]

@K201 This is such a big fear of mine. You are very strong.. What is your reaction when he pulls away?

 

[PureDogs]

@blue_eyes18

I do push away people away in general when I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I would push away too hard without any warning. When this happens, I would apologize and attempt to share about it - I noticed that I can be frustrated with other person's response on this.

Some people do know about this and notices my behavior - would give me a space and drop a line of reminder that they are available to listen if I am up to.

 

[Rosanne]

K201 - For the first 7 years of our marriage we were in and out of theraphy, not knowing exactly what was wrong, so when he would pull away, I would kind of smother him trying to make him be in the moment. Obviously, this does not work, this only caused him to get really angry and yell and leave the house for a few hours. Now......when he starts to pull away, I give him space and let him know that I am here for him and for him to let me know if he need anything from me. But like I said yesterday, after all of these years, I am finding it very difficult to be this gentle with him.


@BlueEyes: How long have you and your wife been together? How long has she been suffering?

 

[K201]

@Rosanne thank you so much for your reply. Yes that is what I have been doing, but I'm learning now to give more space and in the few days I have the results are already more positive. You are strong for doing that this long. I'm trying to evaluate if I would be able to go through this again because I see from reading your post it really doesn't get easier even if it isn't the first time. Stay strong my prayers are with you..

 

[Rosanne]

@K201 - How long have you been dealing with PTSD?

 

[K201]

@Rosanne well we have been together for a year. He has combat ptsd and tbi. I just made a thread that's painfully detailed lol. He told me from the start and gave me like this little info pamphlet to read but he down played it very much ( I think I'm learning he uses avoidance) and looking back I only started seeing signs this past few months. He is in shut down as he calls it now and pushing me away. So I have only been experiencing the full effects for a few weeks now. It's very confusing and scary and I'm just trying to learn as much as I can about it. My thread is called "my marine with ptsd shut down" if you would like to post in it I would appreciate it. Or if you want me to Message you. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice so I guess I'm not too helpful. But I can def give support and listen.

 

[Meadowsweet]

He is in shut down as he calls it now and pushing me away.

Words are sometimes very important to understanding. If he has told you that he is in 'shut down', then from his perspective it has nothing to do with pushing you away, and instead it is related to his need, because of an illness, to spend his time shutting down to everything else in order to handle his illness.

The idea that he is 'pushing you away' represents your emotional reaction, rather than what he's actually doing. When you understand it as your own (rather than as something he's doing to to you) then it puts you in control to learn how to deal with your own emotions.

A comparison I've made before is to an acquaintance I have with MS. Sometimes, when she's planned to go out, she has to cancel because she needs to lie down. When she's in that state, she sometimes sleeps for most of the day and night, gets up for a few hours, and is exhausted all over again. But, because her illness is physical, people accept that sometimes her condition gets the better of her, and she simply cannot continue with normal life activities.

It's not easy for her family, her eldest daughter, only 18, looks after her mum and two younger siblings and will do long term. So I understand that it's not easy living with somebody with a debilitating illness. But when you can realise that isolating, shutting down or zoning out for extended periods is part of that illness, and is not a personal affront or pushing you away, then life can be easier for both of you.

 

[sarah_k_b]

I remember, the rational feels like irrational. To this day, I don't like being layed on when my husband wants to cuddle, or even my son. I wasn't abused physically, but the anxiety made things hard to breath. It was really hard for me to have my newborn son sleep on my chest. I was soo confused, I had a lot of love and caring for my child and wanted him there it was amazing, but I was feeling agitated, trapped, hard to breathe. Emotionally it is horribly confusing.

 

[Nolen]

As a sufferer, I'm afraid of pushing my new relationship away. I tend to stress easily and shutdown. I like to isolate myself and deal with things on my own at my own pace. People mistake this process as me being mad at them and it leaves them very confused as to what they have done to upset me.

Once I realize I have hurt people with shutting down I apologize. That's really all I can do.
My fear is my new relationship not working out because of this process. I feel that explaining this to them would cause myself to seem complicated and dramatic.

 

[blue_eyes18]

My biggest fear is that I'm breaking. I feel as though over time, I'm slowly being chipped away. I started off completely whole and full of self confidence and self esteem. After time has passed, it's slowly eroding. A part of me is disappearing. And it's so hard because I feel like I'm trying so hard to stand by her as she learns to build herself up from the ground, while I'm merely being torn from the top down. Eventually, she will be a whole person and I will be nothing. I fear I will have been yanked down ton the pits of depression when I have never been a depressed person in my life.

I just don't know how to separate everything. I never can tell if it's me who's making her miserable or if it's her PTSD. I'm starved for affection and approval and I don't even think she recognizes she's not giving it. I get no verbal or physical reminder that she loves me and appreciates me. I literally get nothing. I have nothing to go off of. And then she makes me feel like I'm some needy person who should just know everything is fine. But everything isn't fine! What about me? What about how the neglect makes me feel? Why doesn't she even NOTICE? Like I said, instead, I'm just needy. Well of course I am! Who doesn't need something back from their partner???

I'm so exhausted from everything. I don't know if I can keep on anymore with it all. I've been thinking of splitting up. It's not what I want, but I can't be pulled down so far. I need to look out for myself for a chance. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel alone. And she doesn't even notice.