Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[blue_eyes18]

@blue_eyes18 , how is everything going? You are so fortunate that your sufferer has accepted you into her therapy. I prayed for the past couple of months this would be the case for me but my fiance is leaving me. I hope everything is going well.

I'm so sorry to hear the news. What prompted this to happen?

So far things are okay. She's back isolating herself and I'm just learning to deal with it and how to accept it. I used to take such personal offense to it but now it's finally sinking in that it's legitimately got nothing to do with me.

She's checking herself in to a 24-7 inpatient care facility in May. At least that's the plan. I think that will actually be really good for her and hopefully us.

I've come a long way with learning to accept that what's going on isn't me and to not take it to heart. It's still hard when she's isolating because I miss her. But it's actually starting to sink in finally just how to properly deal with it.

What prompted this bout of isolation was the fact that right before finals, she missed a presentation worth 50% of her grade because she overslept (happens a lot - oversleeping). So she was going to fail the class and just wound up getting a medical leave of absence from her psychologist so the classes won't count on her grade. It finally hit her just how far she's dropped and just how low she feels. I think reality has finally hit her. which is good, in many ways. Hopefully she will use it as motivation to get better.

Anyway, we are doing okay. We are hanging in there. Hope you're doing okay. Fill me in on what happened in your situation.

 

[abs_21]

When you say it's finally starting to sink in how to deal with it.... How do you deal with it?

 

[blue_eyes18]

Just simply by not taking it personally. I realize it legitimately has absolutely nothing to do with me. I bury myself in my studies and my work and my friends and I just don't let it bother me.

Sure I'm human and it does still get to me sometimes. But just actually letting it sink in that it's not anything to do with me has really helped. I used to take it so personally. Thinking that maybe I did something wrong or she was upset at me. But I know now that that's not the case. And it helps me to separate myself from it. You have to be able to separate yourself and keep yourself busy and happy independently.

 

[Seaotter]

That is a great shift in thinking - hard to get there.

 

[blue_eyes18]

It's been very hard to get there. It's also still a work in progress.

 

[Pinkmoon1]

Wow it's so great reading all of this, the "run and push away" has been so hard. Questioning myself all the time wondering what it wrong with me and struggling for him to see how much I love him. We have these moments of pure bliss and now I know I can expect him to be withdrawn for a few days. I get a daily text.....then we have an amazing week see each other all the time and it goes away.

We went away for a weekend and it was so wonderful and now I haven't seen him for almost 2 weeks.

The roller-coaster is making me wonder if I should stay. To me he is worth it, I see him, I am amazed at the man he is.......it's his feeling towards me that I have no idea about. He never commits to an emotion or what I mean to him. He gives many compliments and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet at times but to his heart I have no idea where I stand!

 

[LostOne83]

I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. I feel the relationship has been one sided for a while and I was the one giving and not getting much in return. He finally told me he needed help for PTSD. We have been separated for a month now and he has started the process of getting the help for his PTSD. Even though that is not something physical or intimate I feel that that is his giving in the relationship by going to get help and make himself better. I feel if he didn't care and just wanted to move on that we would be done for good and he would just move on with his life. Even though I am not getting the same actions from him in return(just things like saying I love you or I miss you or asking how I'm doing), him going for help speaks volumes more than that. You can say words until you are blue in the face but actions mean so much more.

As much as the separation is killing me, I've have spoken to other sufferers on here and time and space is the best thing you can give someone with PTSD. My first instincts are to be there and talk to him and try to have him talk to me but that just makes them retreat more. I have learned that from trying to talk to him about emotions and all he does is just stare straight ahead and not say one word. It is also killing me that he can still go out with his friends but yet not talk to me for days at a time but I've also learned that his friends and I are on two different levels and it's easier for him to communicate with them.

It is definitely a learning process and I keep trying to tell myself it isn't me. We left each other on good terms, he still helps me out financially and our pictures are still up around his house and most of my things are still there too and he hasn't put them away. I'm definitely hoping in the end that it works out for us as he has told me that after he gets help that we will try our relationship again on a new level and see how things go.

 

[abs_21]

@LostOne83 gosh your story is so similar to mine.

My partner left our home nearly 3 months ago, we still spend time together and it is exactly the same as it was before, like nothing has happened which is very confusing for me.

Like you if I try and talk to him he just stares ahead blankly and it kills me as we used to be so close and he could talk to me about anything.

I want nothing more than to hear him say he loves me I know he does I can tell by his actions.

We too have a weekend together and then he retreats some what which really hurts too.

I just so want everything to go back to normal :(

 

[LostOne83]

@abs_21 is he going for treatment? From what I've been reading and learning that if they don't go than they aren't going to change and nothing will change in the relationship. That is what is giving me hope for us.

I had two and a half weeks with him between when we decided on our break and when I actually left and we still acted like we were together, only a couple things were different.

He had ignored me the past two days but I just got to talk to him and he was actually asking about me which he hasn't done in a while so it was kind of nice.

 

[abs_21]

No, he was having treatment up until October last year but when he left the navy it stopped and he didn't continue. I did arrange for him to have a veterans out reach appointment but both him and the therapist agreed that he was managing his illness well.

He has agreed to attend couples counselling though which will start soon and I am hopeful that this will help him open up about his feelings as right now although we spend tie together (we went away last weekend and are going away next weekend) he is unable to discuss with me how he feels about the relationship or me and seems to be in physical pain if I bring it up.

Before we went away last weekend we would see each other once a week and occasionally text although it was mainly me that initiated it he would respond.

Before we spent the weekend together last week I gave him an ultimatum (really just to protect myself) that afterwards we either try and work through things or he gets all his things from the house and that's it. Although we haven't had the discussion I do feel that he has taken this on board and he has been much more responsive with me seeing him on Tuesday and again on Saturday.
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I have had PTSD explained to me as a cup, the cup fills up with stress and when it over flows suffers shut off emotionally, well we had a argument 3 months ago and he left.... that was it, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks nothing sais it was over4. Gradually he seems to be coming back to me now its takes a hell of a lot of patience and it has hurt me so much. I have been going to counselling for me but I guess it takes losing something to realise its true value.

I am hoping that when we go away for a long weekend next week we will be able to talk a little more openly about things. He knows that I love him and he knows that I am keen to make it work I don't think that he would spend time with me if he didn't feel the same I just think he is trying to process his feelings right now x

 

[LostOne83]

I am going to start going for help for myself too. I know there are things that I need to work on to stop doing in our relationship. So hopefully after we both get the help we'll be able to rebuild. As hard as it is I think it's better that we can't see each other because than I think things won't really get fixed. We haven't set a firm time limit just said about 3-6 months. That way we both get to do our thing and come back fresh to each other.

Hope it works out for you guys!

 

[abs_21]

It has really helped me to realise that non of this is my fault. I have also realised that I was co dependant in the sense that I tried to control his illness. I became super vigilant to his symptoms wondering if every action was a result of the PTSD and bi polar. I couldn't control it and all it achieved was to stress me out. He had to take responsibility if his illness not me.

I could only support from a distance x