Relationship Why Do Sufferers Push Their Partners Away?

[glass half full]

Such a powerful post. My boyfriend just shut me out. It was like a switch went off- he was done. I too was incredibly hurt...

cjm-

welcome, I'm glad you found this place. May I suggest that you begin a new string? Your questions may get more responses that way.

You didn't mention how long its been since he shut you out or whether you have heard from him in the interim. Even so, the answers to.those questions probably won't help to answer the one most important to you right now- will he come back?

Unfortunately there is no way of predicting how long he will isolate or whether he will come back. I'm sorry, I know that hurts to hear, but its probably best to know that from the get-go. The abrupt shut out- as you said, it was like switch - is hard. I've been there. You have no idea what happened or why. As you read through more threads here, you will probably find a lot that seems very familiar to you. That's a comfort and a source of strength as you deal with this.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

I think Bell has made a really important point. The idea that a person with PTSD just wants to feel...

Someone has linked me to their triggers even though I mean nothing but love and care. Did you ever forgive or heal with that person? What would it take to forgive/ understand that human wouldn't hurt you?

 

[Nicolette]

Will he come back to me? Are there ways to prevent the shut out? ....

Only a crystal ball will tell you those answers aside from saying don't push and try to give the space that's required but only as much as you are comfortable with as, there comes a point, where if you sacrifice too much of yourself then you lose yourself. Love is worth fighting for - you just have to decide how much can you take.

 

[MrPrez]

I think Bell has made a really important point. The idea that a person with PTSD just wants to feel...

When someone triggers you and you associate them with the flashback, is there anything that person could do to help you? This is EXACTLY what's happening with me. My friend has C-PTSD and has shut me out. He's afraid to even talk to me. Is there anything to be done to quell his fear? I've tried telling/showing him I support him but he doesn't respond.

ANY insight or advice would be invaluable. Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

When someone triggers you and you associate them with the flashback, is there anything that person could do to help you...

Can you explain the nature of the trigger? What is it about you that reminds them of the trauma?

 

[Deleted member 33287]

When someone triggers you and you associate them with the flashback, is there anything that person could do to help you...

Holy crap same with me

 

[Justmehere]

When someone triggers you and you associate them with the flashback, is there anything that person could do to help...

@MrPrez - that's a great topic that could be its own thread. Based on the limited you have shared here, it's hard to suggest what might help in your situation. Your sufferer is really the best person to say for themsleves what will help. If they have shut down to contact entirely then that's important to respect that space.

I appreciate your desire to try to reduce the trigger. PTSD sufferers have to manage their own triggers. Supporters can't manage them for me and it generally doesn't help to try.

What supporters can do is respect boundaries, be safe, and seek their own support. The PTSD sufferer may come around or they may not, but being a safe and boundary respecting person will help either way.

 

[Bambirey]

@Nolen
I am a woman in a relationship with a man who has combat PTSD. OUr relationship is fairly new (6 months officially together but have known him for a year and a half) Please tell her how you are feeling!! I know that may be difficult for you to do but I want you to know that if she is the right person for you she will try and be there for you!
Being a supporter can be VERY difficult at times ( I am in NO WAY comparing our " struggles" to the struggles that someone with PTSD confronts on a daily basis...PLEASE don't think that I am) I am just trying to say that if she doesn't know and isn't given the opportunity to try and work with you on this than how can things work?
People who really care about you want to be able to see you through at those difficult times.. The more you can inform her the better you both will be.
I wish you Nothing but the best!!

 

[Tinyflame]

@Bambirey you are very kind. I saw an article today, though not the same as it was a wife talking about her H's suicide attempt, though that's more common with ptsd, but she said the worst was she didn't know what/ when she could talk about the past, that she had to trust that he would tell her how he was feeling, & that she had to live with (or choose to leave him) the uncertainty of whether he would 'talk' & tell the truth in the future.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Bambirey]

@Bambirey you are very kind. I saw an article today, though not the same as it was a...

Thank you Junebug!! It can be difficult to know when to talk about things from the past! I ( in my experience) have found that not pushing the subject has worked best thus far.. I do not ask about his experiences but I let him know that I'm here and Willing to listen. I feel that if he wants to talk about things then he will when he's ready. Granted I have to be honest I'm rather new to this relationship and am just taking things day by day... Sometimes minute by minute!

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sure @Bambirey it's probably very different for combat-related ptsd, but I think talking about things can feel like one is willfully bringing them in to the present, +/or somehow 'tainting' the other person with a poison not their burden to share.

I think it does help to be able to be seen without all-ptsd-encompassing, or to be understood or forgiven (when realistic/ possible, I don't mean abuse) for a sufferer's reactions or responses or perception, when they're working on it.

 

[BellaAngelo]

With my PTSD I notice I feel like I'm too much of a burden for anyone to deal with at times. I feel guilty because it's unfair for people to deal with damage they didn't cause that we both can't control. It's unfair that I even have to deal with it let alone anyone else. I feel like they'd be better off without me and that I'm just holding them back from happiness or a normal relationship where they don't have to deal with all of these issues. I feel broken beyond repair.

Another reason I push people away is because whenever I start to open up and get closer to someone, I feel vulnerable, weak, and more susceptible to getting hurt. I get paranoid and start thinking the worst. "How could they love me when I'm like this" "they're going to leave me for someone better" "no one can love me so they must just feel bad and stick around". I feel like no matter what, it's going to end or I'm going to get hurt so I might as well end iy before that happens! Why sit around and wait for pain? That's all I've ever been proven before by all the people who said "I'm never going to hurt you"

Sometimes I push people away without noticing it. Usually in my isolation stages when I'm stuck in fear and closed off to the world. I don't keep in touch with family or friends. I sit it in the house and can't eat or sleep. I hide in my thoughts and feeling's and keep them to myself because I feel like no one will understand so why bother explaining just hold it in.

Another reason I push people away is if I get signs of them lying, cheating, or emotional abuse (name calling, undermining my issues etc). If I see a slight sign of bullshit I run as far away as possible. It's one of my triggers that sets off defense mode so I have to protect myself and put my guard up. If someone is pulling their phone away when I'm around, it seems shady like they're hiding something. Something little can set that off and poof I'm gone. It's how I learned to protect myself from potential pain.

It has nothing to do with the other people (most of the time). But my own fear, guilt, issues, and pain. Trust issues usually come with PTSD and it makes everything harder. I hope this helps some people understand we don't mean to do it.