Dom Violence Why do we keep going back?

[Deleted member 34561]

There's just no logic or reason to this crazy phenomenon. If anyone can enlighten me great because I desperately need some answers. And can you please tell me how to stop feeling like the biggest f*cking mug on the planet right now? I'm treating this thing as another addiction. I know in my head I need to go completely no contact just like an addict has to completely abstain from their drug of choice. I know the bastard doesn't care a flying f*ck for me but it was how I felt when times were good when I was with him that kept me hooked. And then when times were bad it was the false unrealistic hope that the good feelings would return that kept me hanging in there. Always its the bloody feelings. Coupled with the shit between my ears. I guess I got to sort out the shit between my ears to arrest the feelings of need and want for the drug of abuse. Because it really is a bloody drug. But we get hooked on our own brain and body chemistry don't we? Adrenaline dopamine and oxytocin. And these bastards know exactly what to do to keep us entranced and hypnotised for the cycle to carry on. Nice nasty nice again and again till we don't know our arses from our bloody elbows. Reward punishment reward punishment. When will it ever f*cking end? Oh well I guess I just answered my own question. Lol. But damn withdrawal f*cking hurts. No pain no gain as they say in recovery circles. I guess I really need to see me going back to him as some kind of relapse. And to forgive myself for it. But I'm filled with so much guilt and shame. Typical addict eh. But at least I don't hate myself anymore which I guess is progress after a fashion. Progress over perfection eh. I don't want perfection I just want to stop feeling like shit. That's not too much to ask for is it? I've managed to restrain myself from contacting my 'drug dealer' for 24 hours. They tell you in AA if you can get through the first 72 hours you're on your way. It can't f*cking come quick enough lol. Oh well I've just eaten a massive portion of home made lasagne and I'm going to go and distract myself with an hour of telly now. I feel better for getting that lot off my chest. Thanks all rant over lol.

Best

Crazydiamond47

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I remember going back to each of my abusers because otherwise, I'd be homeless. I was more scared of the streets than I was an abusive asshole. I felt like I was holding my own well enough to be able to still survive, being as how I'd survived up until that point, but I feared the unknown of trying to live on the street, and after having experienced some super shady shit in trying to do so, I'd go running back to my ill-perceived safety zone of abuse to avoid the even scarier unknown...and there were no abuse shelters and such in the area I lived in at the time...and even the cops were less than helpful after being called, so I felt stuck, no matter what I tried.

I was also heavily using alcohol and any other drug I could get my hands on at the time to try to numb all the feelings that go along with being in an abusive relationship. I'd drink until I'd black out more often than I'd like to remember...if I only could remember.

I wasn't able to walk away until I found an unexpected friend who had just lost her abusive dad to suicide. She helped me realize I was worth so much more than I was making myself put up with, she gave me a for real safe place to stay, and her whole family pretty much adopted me as one of their own, allowing me the space, the love, the compassion, and the support I needed to tell those abusive assholes where they could go....without me, for a change.

May you find your thought/person/circumstance that finally "clicks" and helps you see that your worth is so much greater than the skewed reality your abuser and your mind currently presents. Take kind care of you.

 

[Mach123]

It was expressed to me by more than one therapist that, "we don't thoroughly understand re-enactment." It can be easy to see in some cases I think. I decided I had been sexually abused based on the things I had done, was doing, wanted to do which all pointed to a re-enactment. After that, thinking about it gets kind of complicated.

 

[leslie82]

We go back (female OR male) because we think we change them. We think we can make them change into a normal person. That's the bottomline.

My ex husband is a meth addict. He physically abused me three times in the five years I was with him (only married one year). In the last two years since the divorce I gave him chances. The biggest one I gave because he was sober for five months. It was great. We hardly ever fought. Never about drugs or money. He was working. Going to meetings. In a halfway house. Not talking to his loser druggie friends. Then he got arrested for something from before he went to rehab and the night I bailed him out (like a moron) he relapsed. He has been spiraling down since then that was Mar last year.

The only times he did ever hit me was coming off meth - not that it's an excuse. I honestly believe if he had never ever done meth he wouldn't have abused anyone. But he has - me, his first wife. His best friend. His brother. Over drugs. He has four kids with three women. I don't know why I thought I was special that he'd change for me. He hasn't for his kids.

The last five years - four rehab trips. This year twice. He's in jail yet again because of meth. His other three kids are done with him. My daughter doesn't know any better yet she's little. Once in a while she asks for daddy. Last night she wanted me to go get him. That's hard to see her cry for him.

It just takes awhile to see the light and stop listening to our hearts and listen to our heads. My light came finally in Mar this year when he used our daughter's medical condition to get half the bail back early. The only thing lower than using your child to get drugs is probably being a child molester or abuser. I hope this time with this charge he gets some serious time and no plea deals are made. He's about to have another charge added from something last year around this time too since apparently DNA evidence came back matching him. I hope he gets it. I don't know who he is anymore. He's basically a stranger. All these little 27 year old drug addicts can have him.

 

[dulcia]

I don't know why I thought I was special that he'd change for me.

We think we can make them change into a normal person.

This is it for me -- a combination of both, really. Wanted to feel special, like I was enough for him to change. Not the case,as it turns out. Found someone nicer.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

No you're all right he won't change. I jogged him on 2 weeks ago but then my water tank in my airing cupboard leaked and it caused the plaster on my front room ceiling to come down and this coupled with the fact my dog was really ill after her surgery drove me to take him back again. Plus the fact it was Christmas and I have no family or friends in real life so it was a vulnerable time for me. Things were going OK till Boxing Night. And then he started up his bullshit and bullying again so I sent him home and was determined this time that would be that. No such luck. Because Wednesday he got round me again by making me feel sorry for him again and saying he still wanted to see the dog. I'm just so bloody weak when it comes to this bastard I just can't seem to be able to say no to him. I went over to his place last night merely to collect some more washing he had done for me and my cooking bits and pieces I had taken over there last weekend and he was on his best behaviour again but I know it won't last. He was even talking about scoring some cannabis for New Year and I found myself agreeing with him because being around him just stresses me out so much. But today I know that ain't the answer. I don't want to throw away 4 months clean time if the only way I can be relaxed around him is stoned. He's invited me and the dog over to his place for NYE but I don't really want to go. Because if he starts the bullshit and bullying again I have no way of getting home the next day because no buses or trains will be running New Year's Day. I don't know how to extricate myself from this situation without angering him or hurting his feelings. See even that ain't healthy because it smacks of co-dependency. To further complicate matters I finally heard from my youngest kid, the kid I had by this bastard 20 years ago. If I tell either of them about the other it will cause ructions and I will lose touch with my youngest kid again and I can't bear the thought of that. I wish I knew what to do and I wish I was strong enough to do it :'(

 

[leslie82]

No you're all right he won't change. I jogged him on 2 weeks ago but then my water tank in my ai...

Block him on everything - phone, social media. Don't answer if he comes by. If you have to get a protection order. I know it's just paper but then if he comes by you can have him arrested.

Forget his feelings. He doesn't care about your feelings. There has to be some resources where you live. Groups. Shelters that can direct you who to talk to.

Don't let him bring you down because that's all he's doing. That's all my ex did. I look back on the last five years and think "WTF was I thinking???" He mooched most of my savings. I have a credit card to pay off and almost have a loan paid off I had to get because of him. I have no savings. Not to mention how he pretty much destroyed me emotionally. It's not worth it. I wish I had listened to his first ex wife but she was crazy. (I have known her as long as him). She was telling me how bad he is and then telling me she wanted him back. So I didn't believe her stories about abuse to her or their kids or any of it. I have never told girls who he hooked up with after our divorce "oh he's a shit head, but I awnt him back." I have warned a few "Watch out when he's high he might beat you up but you can have that...been there done that. Not worth it." Now he's in jail so I don't have to really worry about him and hopefully he goes to prison for awhile for burglary and possession.

You just have to reclaim yourself ultimately.

 

[bento]

I have a somewhat different take on the whole returning to abusers thing. A lot of DV survivors are also survivors of
child abuse. We're looking so hard to create a new healthy family but we were never taught. Abusers are always
on the prowl for broken people pleasers because we're the folks who put up with BS and are willing to bail them out.
Also we're willing to provide them with an acceptable social mask of family and/or friends. They quickly repay our
kindness with abuse and slander.

So basically now we're dealing with PTSD from child abuse, and PTSD from DV, coupled with isolation from exhaustion
embarrassment and slander. What we need more than anything at this time is family and friends to lean on as we're
at our lowest (when you're exhausted, distraught and living with chaos, it's the very worst time to reach out to new
people. They will either think you're nuts or.... they will likely be another predator). So just at your wits end and looking
for any escape, not sure how you're going to cope, thinking that since everyone thinks you're crazy, maybe they're right
here comes your abuser offering family style support and a tiny taste of the faux kindness and adoration that you've
always been searching for. The kindness and attention that should be every child's birthright. So you go back, out of
a toxic hope borne out of exhaustion, fear, and self blame.

What abusers do is find vulnerable kind honest people and create the disease and then offer the cure. They do this
to have a veritable army of minions that they can have at their disposal. Nothing more. The chaos is deliberate. It's
to grind you down into oblivion so they can have their way. Every time. Without friends, without health, without
resources, without your good name, you'll always be too helpless to escape. Thus when they're bored, down on their
luck, broke, homeless, hungry, in between hook ups, you name it, hapless little ole friendless you will be there waiting
in the wings.

Telling DV and child abuse survivors to just suck it up when they're feeling hopeless, friendless and ashamed, is like
telling a homeless person to build a house with random debris lying around. It's possible, but insanely hard. The
hard part needs to be acknowledged to remove the toxic shame. Hoping desperately for family when you've
been shattered isn't crazy, codependent or stupid. It's human and normal. Not all of us have family and friends to call
upon. It's a terrifying feeling that the abuser offers to soothe

 

[Whirlwind]

We're looking so hard to create a new healthy family but we were never taught. Abusers are always
on the prowl for broken people pleasers because we're the folks who put up with BS and are willing to bail them out.

So just at your wits end and looking
for any escape, not sure how you're going to cope, thinking that since everyone thinks you're crazy, maybe they're right
here comes your abuser offering family style support and a tiny taste of the faux kindness and adoration that you've
always been searching for.

What abusers do is find vulnerable kind honest people and create the disease and then offer the cure.

The chaos is deliberate. It's
to grind you down into oblivion so they can have their way. Every time. Without friends, without health, without
resources, without your good name, you'll always be too helpless to escape.

Not all of us have family and friends to call
upon. It's a terrifying feeling that the abuser offers to soothe

Everything you said is worth repeating 1000x.

Well done and thank you.

Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Omg @bento you've hit the nail right on the head as usual my friend. Everything you said is 1000 % true like @Whirlwind said. Abusers do draw you in with fake kindness. The dynamic you describe fits me and my abuser to a bloody T. I was also abused in my family of origin and I realise that this is what made me vulnerable to my abuser's sick attentions. It really does leave you exhausted and isolated with nobody else to turn to, that's how the abuser engineers it. They do it on purpose to make you even more needy insecure and dependent on them for everything so they can have total power and control over you.

I did end up going over to my abuser's place NYE after all. I cooked a fabulous roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings New Years Day with no help or thanks from him whatsoever. I was bloody knackered out afterwards but my abuser insisted on going for a walk to get the dog out which tired me even more. I have COPD on top of the C-PTSD you see. When we got back over half an hour later I expressed a wish to go home to my own home to get some rest and my abuser got angry with me again. He falsely accused me of 'puking' my feelings all over him. I said I was doing no such thing just telling him how I felt since nobody can MAKE anyone feel anything at all unless they CHOOSE to feel it themselves. He started nit picking at me for all my perceived flaws and short comings but by this time I was just too shattered to be bothered to argue with him. So I went 'grey rock' and just let his insults and put downs wash over me because I realised his nastiness was about him not me. I excused myself when he was done ranting at me without getting the same old reaction from me that he used to and went to sleep. Seeing as I couldn't get home to mine because of no public transport running on New Years Day.

I predicted he would be an arsehole to me again and sadly I was proved right. I came home yesterday lunchtime and was bloody glad to get away from him. But as soon as I walked through my own front door my abuser was calling me on my mobile phone. He wanted to know if I'd been in the pub on my way home and when I said I had he started having a go at me about being around other men. I hung up on him but I got a text from him ten minutes later saying he was sorry for 'caring' about me. He doesn't care about me he just wants control.

A little while later he rang me while I was preparing my evening meal. New Years Day I made the mistake of telling him that I was in contact with my youngest kid, the kid I had by my abuser 20 years ago. So in last night's phone call my abuser started telling me that I had to tell our kid that he didn't abuse them when they were little and that he's 'not that bad a person'. I said I'm not doing that because if our kid knows I'm even seeing you at all that will be a deal breaker and they will cut off from me again. Look what happened when I tried to argue your case with them before I said to him. Our kid cut off from me and that was 4 years ago and I haven't seen them at all since. My abuser then asked is our kid still saying I abused them when they were little then? I said yes they are. My abuser wasn't happy about that and said to me well I hope you're going to tell them that I did no such thing. I then replied I'm not going to do that because perception is reality and if our kid believes you hurt them then that's what they believe and they must have a reason for believing that and I'm not going to challenge them on your behalf anymore because the only two people who know what happened between you both are you and our kid. I don't want to be drawn into this anymore by you I told my abuser. I told him that I'm keeping my mouth shut and my ears open with our kid and I will see what they have to say about their dad my abuser without me suggesting anything to them about it myself. I told my abuser that I won't mention him to our kid first and I will wait for them to bring the subject up if it even comes up at all.

My abuser was furious about me asserting myself in this manner. He accused me of believing our kid over him and I replied that I'm being Switzerland about it ie completely neutral and that I'm going to keep an open mind and heart about it because that is my job as a parent a job I haven't done too well in the past because of my abuser's interference in it. I told my abuser that our kid is confused and mentally unwell themselves and there has to be a reason for that and in order for me to perform my job as their mum I need to be there for them listening to them and supporting them as best as I can now seeing as I let them down terribly before because of my involvement with their dad my abuser. I stayed calm logical and reasonable in the face of my abuser's ranting and raving to me about this highly sensitive matter and in the end he realised he was getting anywhere with me so he ended the phone call. I then switched my mobile phone off and spent a pleasant evening watching telly undisturbed.

However I woke up this morning and switched my phone back on and got a barrage of texts from my abuser accusing me of entertaining another man because my phone was switched off last night after that difficult conversation about our kid. I replied that I was doing no such thing and that his jealousy is his problem not mine and I only switched my phone off because I wanted some privacy and a break from him because intensity is not intimacy and that I don't wish to be intimate with him or any other bloke again. I haven't had a reply so it looks like I'm getting the silent treatment now. And frankly I'm not sure I even care anymore. If my abuser is getting twitchy about me being in contact with our kid and telling me what to say to them he must have something to hide. And if push comes to shove I know I will be choosing our kid over their dad my abuser from now on because I won't be putting my abuser above our kid myself or my recovery from his abuse anymore. Thanks for your support everyone I really appreciate it God bless you all xx