Why Does His Support Annoy Me?

[Wen]

What is it about hearing the words "I understand" makes me feel so irritated with my friend? I know he's trying hard to be supportive, but he always says he 'understands' or 'can see why something would trigger me'. I really do know he's trying to help, he know's I've been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and has looked it up in order to properly help me. But coming from him it just irritates me so much! I just want to scream "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!". I'm in counseling and exploring reasons why I have so many triggers and what I truly feel deep down, this is just something I haven't figured out yet. Maybe it's because he and I have had many conflicts and arguments in the past because he doesn't like to be contradicted and feels defensive. He also has Aspergers which I know creates more communication issues between us. Maybe its' because of those past conflicts that I have a hard time accepting his support? I don't know and would love other people's thoughts. Does this happen to you?

FYI - A bit of a background. He's a friend I've known and briefly dated 14yrs ago. We talk all the time and he knows I only think of him as a friend, but he has expressed his love and hopes he'll get another chance with me if my husband and I split (we're having difficulties and are in counseling). There is NO WAY I will be with him but I still appreciate his friendship. I guess maybe I feel he's just "saying" these things so I will feel close to him? That's he's trying to prove we'd be good together? I've told him it wont happen, but I believe he still holds out hope. To be with him?.... that thought makes me want to run in genuine pure exploding fear. Yes it's at times like this I wonder "What the hell is wrong with me?". Always trying to make sense out of my scrambled head lol.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like there are a number of things going on....

I admit, sometimes hearing those words......"I understand" makes me want to scream, too. It feels like the support isn't truly genuine to me because NO, they don't understand nor will they ever understand. But...on the other hand, sometimes people want to show they support you, but don't know the right thing to say.

Maybe you feel that his support has ulterior motives, ie he is supporting you because he wants to be with you. My bunny trail mind would say "greaaaat, he's being nice to me cuz he wants to get in my pants. Nice."

Or maybe its part of his autism? In that it is hard for him to understand what's going on with you so he just says "I understand"....?

 

[Friday]

There are a couple different flavors of "I understand."

With an Aspie? I'd tend to guess he's going for the literal translation. "I understand you're freaked out and having a meltdown. I understand what a meltdown is like. I understand not being in control of yourself. I understand how much hard work and how awful it feels to not be in control of yourself. I understand that this is you, but not you, and you will be you again soon. I will wait. (Or not. If you'd rather be left alone.)."

Neurotypical folk are usually going for the sympathy flavor. The hyperbole. Aspies almost never do. I'm sure there might be some who are capable of exaggerating for effect to manipulate others... But I've never met one. Aspies tend towards both hyper-literal-ness, & extreme emotions as a baseline that they keep in rigid control. But that control is learned through countless meltdowns as kids. Meltdowns triggered by hundreds of stressors most people wouldn't even consider a stressor. (Sensory issues, predominantly... Ranging from a loose thread to the angle of the sun, to a common noise... The whole world is an emotional minefield it takes them years and years to learn which things must be avoided at all costs, and which things they can acclimate themselves, to). Starting to sound familiar?

Add in that most people find them weird, and that they're generally very very smart (but often perceived as stupid, annoying, rude), and beneath the iron like grip of control they do have very strong emotions?

It's one of the few disorders out there that I've found really tends to grok & get along with PTSD. Cause wise is different, but symptom wise has a whole lot of crossover. Triggers, stressors, meltdowns, hypervig, social issues, issues with lying, fighting for control, over reactions & under reactions, exhaustion, etc. Although one is far more likely to find them paired up with ADHD folk, and other Aspies. Individuals always vary, but the disorder traits themselves dovetail really nicely. It's relaxing (for me anyhow) to be around people who don't lie, as a rule, and don't play games (although they can be very strategic, they tend to be up front about it... Like telling you if you and your husband split he'd like to be with you). You absolutely know where you stand. People who know I'm just having a moment (or a month)... And think it is absolutely fine to never do XYZ, cause it stresses me out. Nothing more natural! Of course we won't do XYZ. How about XY? Cool. Yep. We'll do that one then. Unless it becomes a problem. Sometimes things that are fine stop being fine. That's normal. If it becomes fine again? Let me know.

Makes sense you'd be extra vexed by his saying he understands if you're used to him being literal. Cause there are 2 ways to split "literal" in this case: cause versus effect. If he's thinking effect, and you're thinking cause? It's going to feel like a double betrayal. As not only are your wires crossed, but someone you usually count on being straight with you? Seemingly isn't. Bit of a mind f*ck, there.

 

[Sighs]

Need to think more about how his Aspergers plays into this one, but as a general rule this irritates the hell out of my vet and I. People are always telling my vet that they understand. His (former) GP kept telling him he understood when it was absolutely clear to me that he had. no. clue. at. all.

I think people think they are building rapport or supporting the sufferer, but as I have said to my vet that only works if you have actual shared experience. Just because you've seen it on TV doesn't mean you have a scooby what combat is like.

I think this applies to people who don't have PTSD as well. If you've had had an emergency c-section following 36 hrs of obstructed labour where the baby's head was crushing your spinal nerves with each contraction, and the doctor says "I know just how you feel dear, I had a forceps delivery with my eldest child." it makes you want to scream. (Not disrespecting how a forceps delivery might be horrible but its not the same.) Whereas the one nurse who really seemed to understand what I needed postpartum told me she had had two c-sections herself. Big difference.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

You want my honest opinion? Because you don't think it's real. Trust me..I feel the same way and I'm right. It sucks and you have a cynical view of anyone who thinks they care for you (meaning you think they really don't mean they care). I feel that now at times.....actually, all of the time.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Sighs: I think I am different. I had a horrible birth experience with my first child and was a lot of afraid giving birth to the second (and I think we might want a third one day and that makes me afraid again).
So my vet told me he does understand why I am afraid and that I am very brave and other people told me and it made me feel better. I mean he does not mean he has to go through birth to know that this must suck. He just needs half a brain.
Honestly cannot see anything wrong with people trying to be kind or build you up if you need it.
I noticed people around here hate it, but I feel very different about it - But I don't have PTSD.

My husband does not think that other people understand his PTSD but he just thinks "No, you don't understand, but nevermind" and he is fine with this as long as they are friendly and don't say he is crazy.

 

[Wen]

Thanks so much guys! It helped reading your comments. Thinking more about it, I'm beginning to think some of my issues comes from his past responses to me.... example: I asked him "Do you ever wish you were a child again, and living a life where your parents took care of everything and you could just do what you want?". He instantly thought this is what I was feeling and that it conflicted me which is why I was asking for his opinion. His answer was "Oh yea, I've felt that and blah blah blah". Basically saying everything he felt would be support of and show he gets how I feel. Think is it wasn't how I felt. Once he was done talking I told him that it was my hubby who said it to me and it really really upset me that he would think that way (mainly because he was trying to live like that - doing what he wanted while I supported the family for years). Well once my friend heard that he totally back tracked. Started saying he misunderstood what I said and that he totally gets why it would upset me and he doesn't feel that way at all. I pointed out that he said he did feel that way, but he kept saying it's not what he meant. In the end it just proved to me that he will say anything that he believes I believe. He certainly doesn't want me to think he's anything like my hubby.

Heck, he went on and on how he hated... just HATED the new Star Trek movie that came out a few years back with Chris Pine. He got on his pedestal and ragged on it so much. When he was done I told him how I LOVED the movie (and I really do) and I could watch it many times over AND I was dying to see the sequel. I was ok with his opinion cause that's his feelings and it doesn't bother me, but I feel he wants me so much that he's trying to prove that we're so much alike and belong together. Hence the fact that he now says he likes Star Trek, accept for maybe a couple of small issues he has with it. Because of all of this (and much more that I could go on for pages) I find it hard to accept anything he says is genuine. He's only saying things to show we're perfect for each other.

Oh on a side note, after he realized he does have Aspergers, he went on to say it's like a "super" power. It proved that the way he see things are in patterns thus they are 100% correct. So when he hears stuff that my hubby has said/done, he expresses his opinion on what he thinks hubby's motivations are and in reality - his opinion is FACT. That I should listen to him because what he says is absolutely true and he KNOWS what's going on. My own opinions tho, are just opinions and totally baseless. And these are direct quotes. I don't talk to him about my hubby any more. I'm sure these factors plays into my feelings when he says he "Understands".

I know... I know, people have asked me why I continue to be friends with him, and honestly - I don't know why. I truly don't. That in itself boggles my mind. Maybe that's the real question I should be asking?

 

[Sighs]

Yeah Aspergers is a whole nother ballgame. Sounds to me like he really wants a relationship with you - whether that be friendship or more, but like a lot of Aspies he has no idea how to do that. If you care about him it would be great if you could help him learn how to build a friendship with someone who is neurotypical (ie: not an Aspie).

 

[Wen]

Lol - trust me @Sighs I've encouraged every relationship he has tried to start with other girls, but after a few weeks the girls just want to be "friends". I kinda thought I should find someone with Aspie that would be a good match for him.