Why Does It Seem Like Nobody Cares?

[Dana1010]

I'm hardly the expert on making a social scene - I've had very few friends throughout my life and am down to zero now. But my two cents is if you want to make friends, you need to appear as someone who already has loads of them and couldn't care less about making one more. If you seem like someone who needs to make friends, they'll assume you are a spurned offering and avoid you like the plague. People are great, aren't they?

 

[whserenitynluv]

@Dana1010 thank you for your response :-) I like what you have to say, and I'm sorry your down to zero friends... I do have a couple very long term friendships and some acquaintances to call for comfort. Being an extreme extrovert my ability to charm and sway is not lacking. My intentions, well that is a different story. It's metaphor would probably be something like a tumbleweed who has no direction and picks up everyone as a friend, and didn't care about values or what kind of needs they looked for. My t made it very clear to me that this needed to change because it is a huge pattern of mine. My long term friends have families and I could call them, but they already know what this is and what needs to be done. Maybe because I've been so extreme in my life, this loneliness is a bit normal, of course my brain wants a rush. Just to feel this lonley is new for me actually , I would have taken care of that when it first started, but choosing to "fix it fast" is not an option. It does seem like nobody cares, and that is a very lonely feeling, and real and painful. But my loneliness is my own, and if I can't be alone without quick fixes I won't get healthy, or something like that. It won't be forever, but doing it from within out is the point she was trying to make, healthy support and vent outlets, no quick fixes or adrenaline rushes or anything to avoid emotions. If you have no friends and would like to chat that would be awesome! I'll be your friend:) :hug: Plus I have a book of homework to do before Monday .... Pretending is another thing she burst my bubble about because for me it was a way to keep people at bay, if that makes any sense. So this runner is staying put for a bit :-)

 

[Philippa]

I'm hardly the expert on making a social scene - I've had very few friends throughout my life and am down to zero now. But my two cents is if you want to make friends, you need to appear as someone who already has loads of them and couldn't care less about making one more. If you seem like someone who needs to make friends, they'll assume you are a spurned offering and avoid you like the plague. People are great, aren't they?

This is pretty much me as well, and I can attest that taking this attitude does work best. It's the neediness they pick up on, and are repelled by I think.

I've started to make a few new friends and I'm sure if any of them knew I had hardly any real friends, apart from online ones I've never met in real life, or just one friend, they might take a different attitude with me. I just act as though I have plenty of friends, or am blase either way, and it seems to do the trick.

 

[whserenitynluv]

@Philippa thank you for your responses:) seeing what you and other people have said and having some time to process that emotion am straying to realize what you meant. At first I thought you meant that I had to be fake, and to me that defeats the whole purpose in recovery, and now I see (correct me if I'm wrong) that you maybe are saying that the solidness in ones self must come first. Am I way off?

 

[bell]

Personally, it seems like there is some negativity around this whole issue. For starters, no one is going to want to befriend anyone who thinks that the world and the people in it suck.

Additionally, most people honestly don't give a crap whether you have zero friends or a million friends. What they care about is do you have their best interest at heart; can you empathize and hold their hand when things get tough; can you cheer them on when they need it; and be honest about things instead of just telling them what they want to hear.

Obtaining friends is a lot less about you than it is about how you make someone feel. If you make them feel that they have someone in their corner who will also tell them when they're full of crap, you're pretty golden.

I see a fair amount of "I don't have any friends" here, and I think that a lot of the reason for that is that you're making the issue all about you when people want a connection, not someone to worry about if they're being liked. In essence, friendship, like any relationship, is 2-way street, both parties have to want to show up. And if you make people feel good about themselves, you're well on your way to making a friend.

 

[whserenitynluv]

@bell thank you for your feedback:) when I think about my past relationships and being there for a friend, I would say I would always be there, and would. Unfortunately my part in friendships and being accountable to show up, that's a whole different story. They would invite me, I wouldn't go, and that is the basic reason why they all left, at least most of them. Biggest reason other than self live that I am here. Thank you again Bell:hug: It's almost like you read my mind, gave me an outside view. Much appreciated

 

[Philippa]

Hmmm, I don't think I was saying to be fake at all. That's never the best way to be or to make friends. No, of course it helps if you are solid in yourself, but I meant kinda what Dana was saying...that if you act as though you have plenty of friends, then people won't pick up that you have none. That doesn't mean you have to lie about having friends you don't have...but just having an air about you that you are all good for friends, and one more won't hurt, rather than behaving as though this person is the only person who has spoken to you in a year.

I actually agree with what Bell said earlier though, a whole lot. If you make people feel good about themselves, then you leave an impression on the person and they will likely think of you again and may seek out your company. Actually I think that is what happened when I started making new friends the last two weeks. I showed understanding to one woman who many people judge because she is very aggressive (serbian) and also helped another woman feel comfortable enough to want to ask me out for a girls night, after she has not had a break from her kids in ages...and I made a pendant for one woman, which she loved and I tuned into her enough to come up with something that suited her completely...which she appreciated, and then we went out that night and had a great night.

It does all depend on your attitude and how you make them feel . People want to be around happy people if they can. If they are not happy then they will probably want to be around other miserable people because it is too uncomfortable to be around happy people if you aren't happy yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@bell, you hit the g'damn nail on the head as to why many of us don't have any friends, and I don't think you realized it.

YES! People expect friendships to be all about "how you make me feel". However, this is such a selfish, self-centered way to go about friendship. True friendship is about give and take. Its about being there for someone when they are down. How many of us lost our friends when we became symptomatic? I lost ALL of mine. The VERY instant that you are down on your luck an unable to coddle their egos, they want NOTHING to do with you. Sad but so damn true. I am honestly GLAD I lost all those old friends as they weren't the kind of people who will stick around when you're in a bad place. Yes, I'm making new friends, and its hard as I have to weed through the ones who can't handle that I have bad days. But if you can't love me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. And yes, me at my best is pretty damn fantastic. I much rather be a person with ups and downs than boring like much of the population!

If you need to make people feel good about themselves, I say these aren't the types of friends you want. Friendships should naturally make us feel good about ourselves, but don't go out of your way to boost someone's ego. That's not the type of friend you want!