Why I Haven't Died Yet..Again

[Druidcat]

When I was a kid, my dad, who was an ordained minister, would put on these choral pageants every christmas. For being probably the world's largest introvert, I loved those pageants. We would start designing the sets in October, and they were quite famous (for our little neck of the woods) in the tri-state area. I loved to act and sing, to my dad's total surprise. It was like I became a totally different person. I was no longer held by the bonds of my birthmark. I was someone else. I wasn't the awkward, ugly, chubby little girl anymore.
But what I loved more than that was working with my dad on the sets. I am somewhat crafty and love to paint. That is something I get from my dad. We are so much alike. I am my father's child in almost every way. So I cherished the time we would spend in the afternoons, chatting and painting. it was one of the rare times that I got my father's attention. My dad was a very busy man- he was not only a minister, but a writer. Like me, he published his own books. So I didn't get that much of his time. Every year, I looked forward to building and painting the christmas sets with him.
But then..one year, my mom got it into her head that I was doing something sexual or flirtatious with my dad. Now, I was a very innocent kid. I didn't even know what a french kiss was. So I didn't even know why I felt bad, but I did. I felt guilty of something I didn't even know about. All i knew was that it suddenly felt bad to be around my dad. It made my mom angry.
So I started avoiding him, to my heart's breaking. I couldn't hug him. It became a very awkward relationship, even though I wasn't guilty of what she accused me of.
My mom was manic depressive. She took medicines (librium) when she was pregnant with me and also while breastfeeding me, leading to me being born with withdrawal. So while on one hand, I am sorry for her, I am angry as well. She stole my dad, the most important man in my life, from me. My dad died of two strokes and Parkinsons' back in 2007. She blamed it on me, saying my moving out of state caused him to have strokes.
A lot of people would assume that when asked to think of my trauma, I would think of my kids. But for some reason, my mind goes to my mom. I have a lot of anger towards her to this day, as much as i try not to. She tried to give me a way. She said my rape was something I asked for, she made me deny my own baby's existence when I became pregnant as a result of my rape. (I miscarried later)
But most importantly, she took something irreplaceable. She took my dad from me. I saw a picture of him the other day, and i haven't seen a picture of him in years. It made me bawl like a baby. I miss him so very much. there was no one like my dad. And I'm not sure I can ever forgive that she tarnished my relationship with him. I feel like a fatherless child.
I hope he knows I'm sorry. And that I miss him.

 

[Druidcat]

Really Strange Therapy Sessions....

So last night, I had a very strange therapy session. I think even my t was startled. I have been doing neurofeedback. My first few weeks were rather uneventful..I had pinpoint headaches, but nothing worth noting.
Two weeks ago, I sank into silence at work. I just cannot talk there. I'm not trying to, it just happens. I shutdown at work.
Yesterday, however, I was off from work. I had so much anxiety that my muscles felt jumpy. When I got to the t's office, I sat there, rocking back and forth as I always do when I'm stressed, and rubbing my hands together. She asked me what was going on. I told her that I had had two instances of some sort of emotional flashback that week.
One happened at a restaurant that we had gone to. We saw a lady there who had been involved in some work bullying that I had at a former job. She acted as if nothing had happened and smiled and asked me how i was.
My jaw kind of dropped. My husband noticed and took over the conversation (because he still works there) while I walked away.
But my whole body felt that anger, the embarrassment, the panic all over again. I felt it like it had just happened. It ruined our evening and i just couldn't enjoy the meal.
So by the time I went to the therapist's, I was a bundle of nerves and all I could do was sit there and rock or jiggle my foot or make these little shapes with my hands. (does anyone remember the old "this is the church, this is the steeple" hand thing?)
My t put me on the neurofeedback machine and she told me that I was getting some really crazy signals..I could see them- they were all over the place. They are supposed to be blue or black. Mine were yellow, orange, white, just all over. She asked me several times to try to bring it down.
Anyways..one of the things that we have been discussing is how I feel very young. And I realized that I have a very distinct inner child. I even refer to myself as a plural in many cases. I will not say, I have to go to work. I say, We have to go to work.
I've always felt sort of dual..like I have this boring adult part that goes to work and pays the bills and functions. But there is also a very separate child. And I will talk to her, out loud, and try to comfort her. Well...and I hesitate to say this because I am afraid it makes me sound stranger than i already am..but last night, her name popped into my head. It wasn't something I even thought about. It was like someone put a sign in front of my eyes and I just read it.
So I know her name now.
Why does she exist? Because when I was young, my mom tried to give me away. Now, my husband is an adoptive child. I know he carries a lot of pain and issues of his own because of it. He doesn't understand how a mother could just give him away.
And in some ways, i get this. But what makes it weird for me is that I was not a baby when this happened. I was old enough to understand the words my mom said right to my face: I don't want you anymore.
I cried and begged her not to send me away. She called the state agency and I remember a man and a woman came.
They questioned my mom and I. They said I was a normal child and that they would not remove me.
My mom was actually mad at that.
So I clearly remember the hurt, the abandonment and the sense of loss. I lost my mom that day. And the little girl that I was became a motherless child.

My service dog is coming in 3 weeks, and I'm so glad. And afraid. That could be part of what's going on. I think knowing he is coming is freaking me out. Will I be a good dog mom? Will he really help me? What if this is the thing that finally helps? While that is hopeful, it's also scary. Change, good or bad, is scary.
I have a job interview for a work from home as well..my t says she thinks that would be good for me right now. She says I need quiet and to be in a peaceful place. And for me, home is that place. I asked her if exposure would not be good for me, if maybe I should push myself to go out and be involved, and she said, not right now.
So I'm also stressed about finding out if I have this job.
I'm finding it hard to balance..hard to balance the responsibilities of life, student loans, bills..with trying to do self care, rest and healing. And I'm confused on why this is all coming out now. Why now?
Life is really, really strange sometimes.

 

[Druidcat]

This has been a very weird week.
For starters, my husband gave me more pictures of my kids that my estranged sister sent to him.
I've expressed to him that I do not want to have contact with her, so it kind of makes me feel strange that he is contacting her.
I understand that his intentions were to get me pictures, but still..it's upsetting.
My relationship with him has felt very strained over the past several months.
We seem to be friends more than husband and wife.
It makes me feel as if I need to hide my struggles from him, lest he think of me as some deranged, unstable person that he should probably get away from. It makes me feel bad, because I get that he was hoping for a nice, normal wife. I am, after all, his third wife.
And here I am, with all my baggage. We've only been married 3 years, so our marriage is still rather new.
Last night we tried to watch a scary movie together. Normally, we are happy doing that and it has been a hobby of ours. Unfortunately, this movie was about a couple who had lost a child. Right out of the blue, it caused a bad flashback for me.
He didn't try to comfort me, he just kind of got up and went into the kitchen and did some things, until I actually confronted him on why he just walked away from me when I was having a flashback.
He didn't really say anything.
It makes me afraid. As if i need anything more to be afraid of. I am quite childlike at times. I've been left two other times because I was too childlike. This reaction from him makes me feel as if I just need to put back on my adult act and never let him know that I am having a problem, because I do not want to be left again.
I've told him that he no longer needs to come with me when I go to therapy, because I don't want him to see my struggles anymore.
Maybe isolating, but I'm confused and afraid.
I don't have any friends or family in this state, so if he leaves, I will be totally alone.
I have asked him if he is unhappy and he denies that anything is wrong, but my gut tells me that there is something badly wrong with our relationship as it now is. We make excuses for our lack of marital life- sickness, random aches and pains, being busy, etc.
And it piles hurt on me because now on top of having ptsd, I feel like a terrible wife.
I had a panic attack at work too.
I'm not sure if it is the neurofeedback or what, but there seems to be a lot of emotion and memories coming out of me at this time.
I don' know..I'm not sure what to do. i want to be seen as an adult, normal and happy woman in his eyes. But I feel anything but that.
And I feel if I try to show him that i am all those things, that it's just going to be a facade...but I feel like hiding it all may be the only way to salvage my marriage..or is that just a facade too? not sure:(

 

[littleoc]

I just wanted to offer some validation. I also have PTSD and a TBI, and a lot of what you described reminded me of me. Particularly that of getting lost and being afraid to forget. And of being childish too, but those are definitely for different reasons.

I’ve actually developed facial blindness as well (though I can’t remember a time that I ever did recognize a face), so I have something to say on that. It’s really rare for people who can see faces to forget them. But if it offers you comfort, me not being able to remember my friends’ faces, even after their deaths, has never stopped me from remembering why I loved them or what memories of them were my favorites.

Wishing you a peaceful day :)

 

[Druidcat]

This will be my last entry and I will be "deactivating' my account after this. i was approached by my therapist last night..apparently she was able to find and read everything I wrote here. I am extremely upset and nervous and anxious. I have other security concerns as well. I have begged the admins to please delete or allow me to delete this as it is a MAJOR concern to me (I have recieved threats over this) I get that this is a public forum, but i was not aware that it was somehow traceable to my real name. I would just caution everyone here to keep this in mind. It is not safe here. I thought it was somewhere that I could talk, make friends or vent. it is not.

 

[somerandomguy]

If you come back, maybe the mods would be able to move your diary over to the Members Only diary area?

 

[joeylittle]

I get that this is a public forum, but i was not aware that it was somehow traceable to my real name.

Sorry - that's not us, that's you. We don't release member information in any way, shape or form. In fact - we don't have your name, only whatever email address you used to sign up. And, for people who are very concerned about security, we recommend that they create an email address specifically to be used on this forum, only.

If someone IRL figured out who you are, that's because of something you did. It's not to do with us.

I would just caution everyone here to keep this in mind.

We actually caution people here to keep it in mind. No argument, there.

It is not safe here. I thought it was somewhere that I could talk, make friends or vent. it is not.

It absolutely is. This place is as "safe" as the internet can possibly be. We also provide different levels of access: the public forums, the members only area, and the private diaries.

Your internet security is your responsibility. We make it a point to post for everyone how they can avoid having their profile on this site connect to any other profile. Whether or not members read that, or bother to take the time on the few steps that would help them....well, that's up to them.

If you have any other questions, direct them to
Contact us