Why i isolate

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To the Supporters---

My heart goes out to you---honestly, I do not know what is worse...to have PTSD to or to love someone who has it. Before I had PTSD I would say it must be easier to love someone with it, but now that I have it, the way we change, the way we think, the thoughts that never stop, the inconsistencies, the different moods from second to second, making everyone walk on eggshells.......

I think now that supporters have it worse. Someone with PTSD is ---or can be----so chronically suicidal that we always have a way out in our back pocket. Supporters really don't. They have not lost the will to live and cannot know what that feels like.So in some ironic way because we are in consummate hell, it is easier because we can be so close to just ending it all. Does that make sense? We have come out on the other side.

Plus, our hell often outs itself. We rage or drink or smash things. Supporters' does not. It just sits there.

I would wager that supporters often get PTSD like syndrome. It is such hell living with us. That is why I isolate away from anyone other than once in a while seeing certain family and then people I have to see.

Also just want to make sure to say this is not the way everyone feels, so if someone does not feel this way, I am just saying how it is for me and for others I know whose PTSD have taken them to the edge.........
 
I've been reading thread after thread after thread about supporters who are at their wits end trying to figure out what to do when their sufferer is isolating. The heartache and pain and love read loud and clear between the lines of the questions "why?". My heart goes out to all of you.

I'm sure it has been mentioned before, but I think it is worth repeating. IMHO, I think there are two kinds of isolation. For me there are anyway. One is healthy and okay. A few hours to even a few days of alone time to regroup after a busy or stressful time. Time to recover from an anxiety attack, or time to reflect. Healthy thoughts and feelings go along with this kind of isolation. It is time of healing, not self or other destruction. It is a time to reflect on what was handled well, or how to handle things better next time. It is a time of setting personal goals that will move me forward towards healthy living. It is about doing what will have positive results in my day to day life and struggles. It is healthy and okay and not harmful to myself or others.

The other isolation I experience is not healthy for me or for others. It is the kind of isolation I do out of depression that is spiraling out of control. It is the kind of isolation born out of thoughts of worthlessness, self hatred, self doubt, inadequacy, feelings of suicide and self harm. This kind of isolation usually follows a trigger. It is not reflecting on positive change, it is wallowing in all that is wrong or bad. It is self destructive and other destructive. There is lack of respect for myself and for the feelings and thoughts of those who love me and want to help. There is internal rage that is imploding and if I am "bothered" by those who are trying to help I fear it will explode onto them. It is a prison of my own making where I can't get out and others can't get in. The keys get lost. This kind of isolation feeds on itself. The longer it goes on the worse it gets and the more dangerous and out of control I get. I shut down feelings towards others. I become only self aware, others cease to matter or even to some extent exist. I am selfish, rude, mean, and disrespectful. God this is hard to write. I am not myself, or rather the person I think I am. I become my worst enemy, my biggest problem, my own abuser. It is punishment of myself. It is very unhealthy and destructive. It can last for days, weeks, months. I don't like this kind of isolation. I don't like what it does to me, or the people around me. When I am in this place I am stuck and nothing seems to be able to get through to me. It is scary, frustrating, lonely, and detrimental to relationships.

Right now, while not being in that state, I look back and see how bad and unhealthy it is. Right now is when I need to address the issue, not when I am in the middle of it. Right now I need to make a plan on how to better cope with it. I need to plan on and set goals for reaching out and to whom. Put it in writing. Just like I have done with my T for a suicide prevention plan....I need to do a prevention plan for unhealthy isolation. Now is the time to talk to me about my actions and how the next time it can be worked through quicker, healthier, less destructive to myself and to others.

I hope this made some sense. It really is hard to wrap my head around it and try to explain how I feel and what I need or don't need. This all of course is my own personal view and experiences. I speak for no one but me, myself, and I. Thank you supporters for putting up with so much crap!
 
Hi Intothelight

I guess all I can say is I totally relate to how you are feeling right now, and the fact that you let others know what is going on is a really big step towards your own recovery in itself. This does not have to be a curse. Find that one healing relationship to help you in the worst of times. True friends will never judge you. They may get hurt, but who says we do not all hurt in one way or another? Moving towards the problem in the way that you have should be applauded. When they hurt because you need to be sick, that should be validated. If they could compare it to being chronically ill with a sickness, having to go on bedrest for days at a time periodically, I think they would understand better. People need to understand this is like cancer. It can be treated, but not cured without a miracle, which may just not happen. Cancer is debilitating, and so is PTSD in all its horrible faces.
 
Oh wow. I have a real tendency to do this. You hit the proverbial nail on the head. I call it 'cuccooning'. I want to burrow down and have the world leave me alone. I have very little me time or down time and I'm in a relationship right now that is on the brink of...over? or danger? and right now I couldn't care less. This man has been supportive over and above and beyond any call of duty and I just can't 'care'. I'm numb and tired and overwhelmed. I want to throw out everything in my house, move, join a monastary, something - something EASY and austere and plain and uncomplicated. I don't even really want to exist any more but I'm not suicidal - that make sense to anyone? J|ust want to stay in bed til it all gets better, but I have my child depending on me for his very well being and needs. Dealing with schools, docs, nurses, etc. etc. is demanding and exhausting.
 
I am totally isolated from friends, family and everyone. It is what I must do right now.

I do see people periodically, though, once in a while. But I am getting better and working toward it. I will get there.

Hey I hear you. Someone just said this to me and it was so comforting, I hope it might do the same for you. Be gentle with yourself while you make each step in treating this incurable disease. But who says we can't pray for a miracle, right?
 
Intothelight

..the fact that you let others know what is going on is a really big step towards your own recovery in itself. This does not have to be a curse. Find that one healing relationship to help you in the worst of times. True friends will never judge you. They may get hurt, but who says we do not all hurt in one way or another? Moving towards the problem in the way that you have should be applauded. When they hurt because you need to be sick, that should be validated. If they could compare it to being chronically ill with a sickness, having to go on bedrest for days at a time periodically, I think they would understand better. People need to understand this is like cancer. It can be treated, but not cured without a miracle, which may just not happen. Cancer is debilitating, and so is PTSD in all its horrible faces.

Dear justdiagnosed,

I think you are right. And it helps a lot to 'hear' someone say that, if its never crossed one's (my own) mind. Expecting things 'will' be different when at some times they just 'won't' be- just like being sick- makes everything even worse. Because you may be able to push through some things, but sooner or later (for me, sooner) your body or heart gives out.
-Thank you.

And that's right, ITL should see it as a (great), -nope- GREAT, accomplishment. :):tup:
((((justdiagnosed)))) (((((ITL)))))
 
Wow, this is a very amazing thread, ((((Deb))) what a great idea.

I too have my heart go out for supporters, I've had private discussions with some supporters and after doing an honest exam of how I am with my PTSD, I've decided to stay single as it would be unrealistic and unjustified to treat a person I love with my problem. Yes I isolate, but my Psy made me promess to get some human contact BUT I don't go over and beyond my capacities. With my family and close friends, I do have a plan with them and it helps all of us.

Sometimes I have to isolate, like PH mentionned, when that Ugly Not Nice Me gets a grip over who I am - I'm not only protecting myself from doing something, I'm also protecting others from getting unjustifyingly hurt by me.

I admire sufferers who work, have family duties, who study, god I don't know how you do it, I can't anymore and even if there will be a time I may be able to do it, it will be an age factor that comes into the reality of my life. So many members (sufferers and supporters) have said many things that made sens, I think it's the first time that I've clicked on the like button so often on a thread. Really pro-active exercise here.
 
Hello, you described what I am doing now. I am isolating so bad. I left my house yesterday for the first time in 2 wks or so. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this. I am feeling extremely self conscience. I feel almost afraid to leave my house except for going out at night. Any suggestions on how I can cope with this? Thx
 
passionsky, I may be WAY off base here, but i may have something for you to consider..... I know that you really,really, want to isolate, and thats OK, but maybe try to put a perameter on it. Kinda like---- "im gonna cash in my chips for today, but tomorrow Im gonna do... this... and this... and this...

Maybe you need to just give yourself some time, re-group, and try again.

Its just my thoughts... i dont know all the details of your situation, i may be looking at it wrong.
 
Thanks for that. I am feeling better, I am still isolating but I have worked out a couple times and tomorrow I have to leave because I am out of groceries. I am just going to try and combat my negative thoughts. Sometimes I think the more I obsess about feeling inadequate the worse it gets. If I just forget about it (as you mentioned) I am able to start fresh. Don't get me wrong this is difficult but I have survived worse. Thx.
 
Im not really saying "forget about it" I dont think thats possible. But you are working out and going to get groceries(food is kinda important...lol;)) and thats a start.

as far as the more you obsess, the worse it gets.....
I think you're right, and i think that applies to a lot of different situations. Try to focus on the positives, it's difficult, but I think, necessary.
 
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