Muruluisku
Bronze Member
I'm glad Christmas is over now, because although it's beautiful time with all the lights and decorations, family and friends and holiday it can get a bit overwhelming. And I usually start worrying about people drinking and struggling with eating, and that's awkward when people have made an effort with nice food and I'm not hungry...
I used to have an eating disorder, I guess it would be labelled as anorexia but I didnt really get professional help to label it. Me not wanting to eat was not about being thin, at least not at first. I guess there's an element of keeping controll, but when I try to make myself eat I get this flashback and often I end up being sick with it...
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I'm older now, about nine. And things are good. I have forgotten all about the baddie uncle and life is generally good. Mummy goes through bad times quite regularly when she is really tired and needs a lot of my help. She still does child minding in our house, and often I help to look after the kids. Sometimes mum is so tired she only gets out of bed to greet the parents and as soon as all the children have been dropped off to our house she goes back to bed. I give the kids their breakfast and look after them until it's time for me to walk to school, which thankfully is very close so I can just run in, if I struggle to wake mum up. I don't mind looking after the little ones, they are mostly sweet and behave well with me. I think they like me and that makes me feel important and valued. Only I don't like missing school if mum doesn't wake up in time. Mum is generally quite good at getting up to cook the hot lunch ready for the kids, so at least I don't often need to worry about cooking as well as childminding.
School is my respite. I love my teacher and I have quite a few friends there, even though I'm not as clever as others and often loose track of what the teacher is saying. I often find it hard to concentrate and have to make lots of homework because I work with such a slow and laborious way at school ( I didn't know at the time I was dyslexic, that only was discovered at Uni).
Mum has a couple of art and craft courses that she goes to a couple of nights a week, if she's not sad and tired. Tonight she left early and I forgot to ask what I could make for dinner. I'm getting hungry, so I go to dad, who's watching telly in his T-shirt and loose boxers. He has an empty Vodka bottle by his armchair and he has funny eyes, he doesn't quite look like my dad. I tell him I'm hungry and ask what to do about dinner. He doesn't answer straight away, just stares at me. I don't think he registered what I said, so I told him again I was hungry.
Suddenly his odd looking eyes come to focus. He says he knows something I could have that's very nutritious for little girls. He stands up and grabs my shoulders, pushes me down on my knees on front of him, yanks my jaw down and forces himself into my mouth.
I am dumbfounded and try desperately understand what is going on. He must have misunderstood something, I don't know why he's doing this. I try to pull back but he holds my head as he is moving in and out, each time pushing himself further, gagging me. I think I'm going to be sick, and I struggle for breath. I really don't understand, there's no thunder so the baddie couldn't get into daddy from thunder clouds, yet his eyes weren't his, they looked scary. I got a feeling the empty bottle of Vodka might have something to do with it.
Suddenly dad starts telling me to get ready for my dinner, I am so confused as well as scared and just in utter shock of it all. What dinner? Then something warm and utterly disgusting fills my mouth. Did daddy wee in my mouth? It's too thick for wee. He presses my mouth shut and tells me to swallow it. I can't, I'm throwing up but daddy won't let go of my jaw. I try to swallow, but it comes back every time, I'm gagging and spluttering and crying hysterically. This is so degrading, so humiliating and so very confusing.
Dad finally let's go of me and I scramble into toilet to be sick over and over and over until my stomach is completely empty and I'm only bringing up foam. I cry in the toilet for a long time, brush my teeth over and over and try to drink some water. Swallowing is painful and makes me feel like being sick again so I pour the water back in the sink.
I get changed into my pyjamas and put the washing machine on with the clothes that got covered in sick and the "dinner". I take myself to bed, but can't go to sleep for a long time. The images of the baddie and the "dinner" filling my mouth and his grip on my jaw and commands to swallow keep coming back wave after wave of nausea.
I must have fallen asleep eventually cause when mum got back she woke me up and asked if I was okay. When I sat up in bed I couldn't stop myself and threw up right there over the edge of my bed. Mum cleaned the mess up and comforted me as I sobbed, wordless for the shock. She says accidents happen and it's easy to pick all sorts of nasty stomach bugs from school. She said I could be off school until I felt better. I think I stayed in bed for a couple of days, frozen in shock.
When my school friends came to bring me some reading homework I remember feeling so very different to them. Ugly, disgusting and completely worthless. I also realised their life went on as normal, everyone thought I had a stomach bug, and maybe I could believe that too. I wanted to go back to school and be like other kids, so I did the next day. Nothing had changed, yet everything had.
*************************************
I decided I'll never ever let anyone know if I'm hungry again. I would never again ask for food, and would only eat when food was offered to me and I could see what was being served. Or if I could be sure I was alone I could help myself to some food secretly if I was really hungry. I would never have second helpings no matter how nice food I had, in case anyone thought I was hungry and would want me to have the "dinner".
To this day those rules stand. And some days putting anything at all in my mouth is a struggle. Thanks for listening guys, I'm getting ready to show my writings to my GP to see if I could get help in real life..
<3: Muru
I used to have an eating disorder, I guess it would be labelled as anorexia but I didnt really get professional help to label it. Me not wanting to eat was not about being thin, at least not at first. I guess there's an element of keeping controll, but when I try to make myself eat I get this flashback and often I end up being sick with it...
************************
I'm older now, about nine. And things are good. I have forgotten all about the baddie uncle and life is generally good. Mummy goes through bad times quite regularly when she is really tired and needs a lot of my help. She still does child minding in our house, and often I help to look after the kids. Sometimes mum is so tired she only gets out of bed to greet the parents and as soon as all the children have been dropped off to our house she goes back to bed. I give the kids their breakfast and look after them until it's time for me to walk to school, which thankfully is very close so I can just run in, if I struggle to wake mum up. I don't mind looking after the little ones, they are mostly sweet and behave well with me. I think they like me and that makes me feel important and valued. Only I don't like missing school if mum doesn't wake up in time. Mum is generally quite good at getting up to cook the hot lunch ready for the kids, so at least I don't often need to worry about cooking as well as childminding.
School is my respite. I love my teacher and I have quite a few friends there, even though I'm not as clever as others and often loose track of what the teacher is saying. I often find it hard to concentrate and have to make lots of homework because I work with such a slow and laborious way at school ( I didn't know at the time I was dyslexic, that only was discovered at Uni).
Mum has a couple of art and craft courses that she goes to a couple of nights a week, if she's not sad and tired. Tonight she left early and I forgot to ask what I could make for dinner. I'm getting hungry, so I go to dad, who's watching telly in his T-shirt and loose boxers. He has an empty Vodka bottle by his armchair and he has funny eyes, he doesn't quite look like my dad. I tell him I'm hungry and ask what to do about dinner. He doesn't answer straight away, just stares at me. I don't think he registered what I said, so I told him again I was hungry.
Suddenly his odd looking eyes come to focus. He says he knows something I could have that's very nutritious for little girls. He stands up and grabs my shoulders, pushes me down on my knees on front of him, yanks my jaw down and forces himself into my mouth.
I am dumbfounded and try desperately understand what is going on. He must have misunderstood something, I don't know why he's doing this. I try to pull back but he holds my head as he is moving in and out, each time pushing himself further, gagging me. I think I'm going to be sick, and I struggle for breath. I really don't understand, there's no thunder so the baddie couldn't get into daddy from thunder clouds, yet his eyes weren't his, they looked scary. I got a feeling the empty bottle of Vodka might have something to do with it.
Suddenly dad starts telling me to get ready for my dinner, I am so confused as well as scared and just in utter shock of it all. What dinner? Then something warm and utterly disgusting fills my mouth. Did daddy wee in my mouth? It's too thick for wee. He presses my mouth shut and tells me to swallow it. I can't, I'm throwing up but daddy won't let go of my jaw. I try to swallow, but it comes back every time, I'm gagging and spluttering and crying hysterically. This is so degrading, so humiliating and so very confusing.
Dad finally let's go of me and I scramble into toilet to be sick over and over and over until my stomach is completely empty and I'm only bringing up foam. I cry in the toilet for a long time, brush my teeth over and over and try to drink some water. Swallowing is painful and makes me feel like being sick again so I pour the water back in the sink.
I get changed into my pyjamas and put the washing machine on with the clothes that got covered in sick and the "dinner". I take myself to bed, but can't go to sleep for a long time. The images of the baddie and the "dinner" filling my mouth and his grip on my jaw and commands to swallow keep coming back wave after wave of nausea.
I must have fallen asleep eventually cause when mum got back she woke me up and asked if I was okay. When I sat up in bed I couldn't stop myself and threw up right there over the edge of my bed. Mum cleaned the mess up and comforted me as I sobbed, wordless for the shock. She says accidents happen and it's easy to pick all sorts of nasty stomach bugs from school. She said I could be off school until I felt better. I think I stayed in bed for a couple of days, frozen in shock.
When my school friends came to bring me some reading homework I remember feeling so very different to them. Ugly, disgusting and completely worthless. I also realised their life went on as normal, everyone thought I had a stomach bug, and maybe I could believe that too. I wanted to go back to school and be like other kids, so I did the next day. Nothing had changed, yet everything had.
*************************************
I decided I'll never ever let anyone know if I'm hungry again. I would never again ask for food, and would only eat when food was offered to me and I could see what was being served. Or if I could be sure I was alone I could help myself to some food secretly if I was really hungry. I would never have second helpings no matter how nice food I had, in case anyone thought I was hungry and would want me to have the "dinner".
To this day those rules stand. And some days putting anything at all in my mouth is a struggle. Thanks for listening guys, I'm getting ready to show my writings to my GP to see if I could get help in real life..
<3: Muru
