Why Is Finding Happiness Impossible?

[Michelle1991]

I have recently started seeing a social worker about this problem. I suffered sexual abuse as a teenager (from age 17-19) and it has left scars that I cannot even express in words. From this point on, I got into very toxic relationships.

I would date guys who did not respect me very well. They would treat me nicely for a few dates, but then it was obvious that I was nothing more than an object to them.

I've noticed this pattern... I knew from an early age that I would not have an easy love life, but I never imagined it to be like this. All I want is to be loved for who I am, but yet it is seemingly impossible.

My social worker told me that my early sexual abuse experiences kind of paved this path to these toxic relationships. I did not respect myself enough to demand respect from others. If someone I was dating said something or did something inappropriate, I would not do anything about it. I never said "no" or "that's inappropriate" or "stop." Instead I just took it all.

I finally seeked help a few weeks ago after I was strangled by somebody I was dating. I have been pushed against walls, I have been mentally abused, but this was the last straw for me. I realized that I needed to stop this pattern before it took my life. All I want is to be loved.

 

[CarahMarie87]

Omg I was just researching things online and I came across this site and I feel just like you but I'm 24 with 3 kids under 3 I been with my kids father for 5 years but never seemed like he loved me but its alot worst and I been in 2 serious relationships and they became abusive ... I think I found a guy who loves me out of state we been talking/ seeing each other was sick of getting abused and I still get hit because me and my kids father live together and I want to leave but cant I dont work I have no money he is the one who works and has access to money I dont know what to do.

 

[anthony]

I finally seeked help a few weeks ago after I was strangled by somebody I was dating. I have been pushed against walls, I have been mentally abused, but this was the last straw for me. I realized that I needed to stop this pattern before it took my life. All I want is to be loved.

There are a lot of arseholes on this planet... though there are also some good guys out there as well.

Quite honestly, well done on seeking help and recognising some of the issues you have in which you plan on changing for future dating experiences.

The social worker is correct, early abuse leads people towards pervasive patterns of further sexual abuse / relationship problems in adulthood. Nevertheless, every behaviour can be changed.

 

[Philippa]

I think that can happen when you are young, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a direct outcome of any childhood sexual abuse, though it can.

As anthony said, there are just a lot of assholes out there, so chances are you will meet a few before you meet someone good. Everyone does. It's what helps distinguish the good guys more in fact, so you know what behavior to look for next time.

I think attracting these types will happen more when you are in a vulnerable, low place in life. That was my experience anyway, and I have had no incidences of childhood sexual abuse...though I was assaulted when I was 23 (first time) and 28(second time).

I've also been strangled without permission by someone I was seeing, and I know that can be a very unpleasant, scary experience. I did attract men who did this after I was sexually assaulted, but before I always attracted better quality men.

They would still be assholes at times, but not to the same degree, or as often...so I think it just happens that after an assault or sexual abuse of some sort, we are more vulnerable to attracting people who aren't respectful, and it can be a very challenging thing to say no and tell them to f*ck off if you are in that situation.

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, but the reality is that during the period of your twenties, if you are dating boys in their twenties, the chances are you will land some who just like you for the way you look and make them look, as many boys in this age bracket just want to sow their seed as far as the eye can see, and be seen with a pretty lady, to boost their own egos. That might sound harsh, but I've even met guys in their 30's who admitted that's all they were interested in during their 20's.

This is why I didn't make much of an effort to date or find men in that age group when I was in my twenties.

Perhaps the guys who pushed you against the wall and strangled you thought you would like it?

I'm not trying to be gross here, but some women really like to be pushed against walls and choked during sex. It's possible these guys thought you would too?

That's not to make excuses for them of course...he should have asked you first if it was your thing...as should have the guy/s who did it to me, but they were just a bit dim, and just assumed I would because other women they knew do.

 

[Michelle1991]

Sadly the violence I was put through was not for my "enjoyment." This individual really wanted to fool around, and I did not, so for the first time in my life, I said no to him. He got angry and reacted by putting both hands around my neck until I obliged. He ended up ripping my pants off even after I said no. And since his hands were around my throat, I could not exactly defend myself. He did not have my consent. I still remember the look on his face... He looked almost possessed.