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Relationship Why is he suddenly feeling disrespected?

#37
Not meaning to interrupt your conversation, Sweetpea & Never falter - just reacting to what @Never_falter2 asked me in the thread.

I think you're doing precisely that though - teamie actions in my book are what is needed to resolve the situation fastest and to most success - and that may not be always what is *wanted*... but *needed*.

You are keeping things realistic in so many matters, corona realities and corona phobias of your beloved separate and both addressed - I don't think you *can* do more, especially considered you also take care of the kids, and of the home.

And chuckled at your "though I'm sure he has these virii in his mind too."

That's something super stellar you're able to do right there - humor and getting a laugh - but I get that, to many factors, it may be difficult to impart to your own home for the time's sake.
 
Thread starter #38
@Thanks for your support @Ronin. Makes me feel less alone 😊

@Sweetpea76 My vet had a vertebral fracture on his spine and he is not a paraplegic. I mean a person who sits in a wheelchair. Is that the word? But I think there was the danger - at least this is what he feared.

They suggested they could put some metal in his body but he decided against it and then had to lay for a looong time. That was stressful for him from a psychological point of view.
Today he is very healthy. What was that like for your Vet? Did they put metal in him?

Yeah currently he sometimes he has good times but he also spends a lot of time in a gloomy mood and I think that unfortunately he is not counting his blessings. He has read about the people who died of corona, people we did not know and sort of remembers them, like lights a candle for them. That’s what we do in our culture. We light candles for the dead but typically for those we have personally known. He doesn’t want them to be forgotten.

I don’t want to say it’s wrong what he is doing or wrong how he is feeling but I think it doesn’t contribute to his happiness or the happiness of the family if we think to much of those who have died. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a tragedy so many people have died but feeling sad about it actually won’t change it.

I hope he would see things in a more positive light.
He has his family here with them and we are all alive - and I do not get why those dead he has never known mean so much to him.
Dont get me wrong sometimes he has a fun time with us and we laugh, he plays with the kids - but a lot of times he is afraid or in a gloomy mood.
 
#39
@Never_falter2 he sets off metal detectors at the airport lol.

He has read about the people who died of corona, people we did not know and sort of remembers them, like lights a candle for them.

I don’t want to say it’s wrong what he is doing or wrong how he is feeling but I think it doesn’t contribute to his happiness or the happiness of the family if we think to much of those who have died. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a tragedy so many people have died but feeling sad about it actually won’t change it.
Could you convince him to take a time out from the news and social media? Just so he isn’t immersing himself in coronavirus news?
 
Thread starter #40
he sets off metal detectors at the airport lol.
*lol* Actually that sounds fun 😜 but according to what my vet learned part of your back stays stiff if they put metall in there. That’s why he didn’t want it. Did that happen to him? Of course I respect your privacy.

How does your vet feel about hospitals today? How does he feel about the coronavirus or having to go to hospital because of the coronavirus? Think you mentioned a while ago he was not afraid of it. Is it still like that? Again I respect your privacy and if you don’t want to tell.

Well, I tried to convince my vet that he should stay away from coronavirus news - especially the kind of news that make him emotional/make him feel bad... but right now: he feels he need to protect his family and learn everything he can about the virus in order to do so.

I tried to stear him away from human interest story of the “beloved wife dies from coronavirus, see her holding her newborn child six days before she died“ kind (you know what kind of reporting i mean, dot you?)... he is keeping a it away from those kind of stories but on the other hand he feels like he should learn a bit about those who died so he can honor them which is important to him.

I think it’s a psychological need for him. He wants to honor them - but would be good if he found a way to do that in a way that doesn’t make him sad.
 
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#41
but according to what my vet learned part of your back stays stiff if they put metall in there. That’s why he didn’t want it. Did that happen to him? Of course I respect your privacy.
Some, but not a significant amount. The benefits of the surgery outweighed that. He can still bend over, etc. His injuries limited his mobility either way, and he has to use a cane or walker to get around. He also now has degenerative disk disease as a result of his injuries too, so it’s not like he could do cartwheels anyway. His fracturing was from an IED, so more of an upward compression blast injury from below his seat, damaging mainly his lumbar spine. Blew him clean out of the vehicle. I always tell him he’s a pain in the ass 😝

How does your vet feel about hospitals today?
He spends so much time at doctors that he’s used to it. He’s poly-trauma, so he gets poked and prodded a lot. PT, pain clinic, GP, specialists of all kinds... they’ve even tried acupuncture. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of phobia, he just gets stressed about having appointments and obligations in general. For example, he’d be just as stressed to go see a lawyer or accountant.

How does he feel about the coronavirus or having to go to hospital because of the coronavirus? Think you mentioned a while ago he was not afraid of it. Is it still like that?
He doesn’t seem bothered by Coronavirus in general. I think he made peace with death a long time ago. My kids work in public every day, and I’ll be back at work soon too. We’ve both had doctor’s appointments. I think we *had* to make peace with it because we don’t have a choice about staying home. We go out, but we’re cautious when we do. We wear masks, keep our hands clean, and social distance. Unfortunately we are having a surge in my area, and my county is a hotspot in my state... that sucks, but we have to eat. This whole thing is a mess in the US. I don’t think any of us have any idea what to do, so we just make peace with it.

he feels he need to protect his family and learn everything he can about the virus in order to do so.
Do you think this whole thing is traumatizing him more?

I think it’s a psychological need for him. He wants to honor them - but would be good if he found a way to do that in a way that doesn’t make him sad.
I bet those people would have wanted others to be happy and enjoy the time they have here with their loved ones while they have it. When I die I hope they throw a big-ass party instead of a funeral. Celebrate my life and send me out in style!
 
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Thread starter #42
It’s sounds pretty scary what you say about your country and I hope you are safe 🙁

Yes, I think this thing is traumatizing him more. It shatters his world view - and I think it endangers what he learned in therapy.

My vet used to feel that Germany was relatively safe. Don’t get me wrong. He was afraid of dangers like terrorism, like germs, like plane crashs but he knew that those things killed relatively few people and his fear was a bit out of proportion.
So he knew Germany is relatively safe and also thanks to people like him.
So basically he loves his country and he learned to embrace the fact he had ptsd - like a mental scar. For example: he always has that trouble sleeping. He doesn’t get much sleep but then he was able to tell himself it’s a price he pays so others can sleep tight and that makes it sweet for him you know what I mean?

You know like when you have ptsd. You have it anyway but it can be sweet for you or bitter. So basically it had become sweet for him.

Then the coronavirus came and that made it bitter for him. I am not talking politics here. I know there are different political opinions and I appreciate all of them as long as they are respectful of other opinions.

However. Corona came. People said “We are at war with that virus“ but the same people also said “We need to let it spread in a controlled way so that our economy is not stifled. It mostly kills the elderly and those with Pre-existing medical conditions - and if numbers rise to much there will be countermeasures“.
I think it’s a bit like saying “We are at war with the Huns... but we need to let them invade our country in a controlled way otherwise the economy will suffer. They mostly kill the elderly and those with pre-existing medical conditions... and if they kill to many we will discuss starting to fight back“. That’s a bit like surrender.
I think that’s a bit how he feels about that.

The coronavirus has entered places we - as a society - have promised to protect such as care homes for the elderly. Care-homes for those with severe disability.
I think he feels that we as a society have failed those people - because we have sworn to protect them but then we didn’t and those people have little choices. They often have to live there because they have no other options and they can do nothing to protect themselves.

So, yes I think he feels traumatized that this happens in his country he thought of as a relatively safe place and he tried to keep safe - and then innocent civilians are dying by the thousands and there is nothing he can do to keep it from happening. So he feels guilty for that.

People in his conservative social bubble mostly do not share his sentiment about the coronavirus and question peoples patriotism if they are afraid of it and he told me he is just being to tired to talk back to them (in fact he didn’t even try). He is just tired because patriotism suddenly equals = letting a lot of our innocent civilians die which he feels is wrong.

So he is afraid they judge him and think he is a coward lacking patriotism.

This is just may personal opinion and I understand many people don’t agree with it: I have always been thinking that many people abuse the word “patriotism“. Some political leaders have an idiot idea and nobody likes it so they just label that idiot idea patriotic and everybody thinks “Oh, if they say it’s patriotic it must be a great idea“ and don’t even question why that idiot idea should be patriotic.
For example some say: Being concerned about climate change is unpatriotic. Why? Well no idea, but if you question it, you are a poor patriot. Shows your lack of patriotism and that you are a spoiled millennial that you question what they say. Not sure if that kind of political discourse exists in the USA. Well, I love being a spoiled millennial and I never took them serious but’s lot of people do - including young ones. So a lot of well-meaning people follow their idiot ideas.

And back to topic. It hurts my Vet that people like that call people like him unpatriotic and yellow bellied... and it hurts him even more that our country has become so unsafe for many and he feels we failed them.

Also he is afraid for himself and afraid for us.
He is afraid of having to go to the hospital when he catches corona and of having to be on horrible medications.

I would like to add that I don’t think patriotism I idiotic. I just wanted to say that some people use it as a label for their idiot ideas.
 
#43
“We are at war with the Huns... but we need to let them invade our country in a controlled way otherwise the economy will suffer. They mostly kill the elderly and those with pre-existing medical conditions... and if they kill to many we will discuss starting to fight back“. That’s a bit like surrender.
I can agree with his point of view honestly... what is making this probably worse for him is that all this isn’t just an abstract trigger. There is reality in this.

People in his conservative social bubble mostly do not share his sentiment about the coronavirus and question peoples patriotism if they are afraid of it and he told me he is just being to tired to talk back to them (in fact he didn’t even try). He is just tired because patriotism suddenly equals = letting a lot of our innocent civilians die which he feels is wrong.
It’s been very politicized here too... to the point where it’s effecting mask usage. Evidently you’re a liberal sheep if you wear a mask here. People are turning on each other because that’s what people do when they’re scared and don’t know what else to do. It’s a bit like lashing out. Calling somebody else a chicken makes them feel like less of a chicken when they’re scared. I can’t imagine what this would do to somebody whose worst nightmare is a pandemic.

So he is afraid they judge him and think he is a coward lacking patriotism.
Life is a lot easier when you don’t give a f*ck what people think of you. 😏

I have always been thinking that many people abuse the word “patriotism“. Some political leaders have an idiot idea and nobody likes it so they just label that idiot idea patriotic and everybody thinks “Oh, if they say it’s patriotic it must be a great idea“ and don’t even question why that idiot idea should be patriotic.
Sure... it’s in the political playbook. Patriotism, “values”, religion, tradition... That’s an easy way to control people who maybe aren’t the best critical thinkers. It’s always been like that, and always will be.

Is the political stuff getting to him as well? If anything about this whole thing is getting to my vet it’s how people are acting. That’s worse than the virus in his opinion.
 
Thread starter #44
Yes, I think that people’s reaction has shaken my vet in a way. When this just started there was some panic buying and my vet went shopping. You know we had prepped a lot of stuff before, but we needed some fresh stuff, because we are a big family, because I cooked for the other kids I homeschooled and because my vet was also buying for our neighbors who have a high Covid risk because of their age. So, yes, most likely looked like panic buying but actually divided through the number of persons that wasn’t much.
However a guy yelled at my Vet, blamed him of panic buying and tried to beat my vet. In vain actually because Vet dodged the blow and kept the guy at a distance - but Vet came home and was shaken and wasn’t able to wrap his mind around the fact that that just happened in his country.
He said “No. I am not going to go shopping anymore. I‘ll find a way that I dont have to go shopping no more“ (and we soon found a way because online grocery services just expanded their service and at least in this area deliver to everybody who is okay with their overpriced prices).
And I tried to comfort him “But he didn’t manage to beat you“ but that wasn’t his point because his training makes it pretty hard to beat him up if he doesn’t want to be beaten - but the fact that this has happened in his country and I think the fact that his ptsd fear/hypervigilance was right in this case... because he had the uncanny feeling that this guy was up for trouble when he first saw him (which was before vet had many things in his card and before the guy had reason to complain) and shook it of as “No... that’s just a decent fellow citizen doing his shopping“.
You know my vet always struggled with shopping but through his therapy he learned to cope until he had shops that felt safe for him. This was one of them... until this point.
We have decided we will not be going grocery shopping in a store until the pandemic is over... but after that??? My vet always had trouble with “Avoidance“ as a PTSD symptom. I fear that this might not have gotten better, right now a lot of people avoiding grocery stores, crowds and so on but if the pandemic is over? We will see what happens.

My vet is in a position where he feels more vulnerable and defenseless because he is hard of hearing - but I think what makes it better for him is that his training and the fact that he is into fitness makes it safer for him. Currently he became like even more of a gym rat (is it called a gym rat if you do it in your house or is there another word? We have a gym in our house so he can train in the safety of his home)
I think your Vet must feel very vulnerable because of his disabilities. What would have happened if that guy would have tried to beat your vet would he have been able to avoid the blow?

We do not go shopping anymore. I go to the petrol station... because I often drive the kids to a nature sanctuary and he is always like “but do you have to go there without me all of the time... and what if the cars breaks down... and what if it’s full of infected people?“. I tell him “If it’s full of people we just drive home again“ and he is like “but what if they want to talk to you? Fo under no circumstances open the car window if the parking lot is already full of people or you will have their infective aerosols in there“
He basically doesn’t want us to go there without him.
However I stop by the petrol station because it is just on the way. It’s very safe, never any aggressive people, very hygienic... and vet doesn’t want me to. He wants to go there... because in his mind it is full of zombies only he can defeat (no, not really... but you know what I mean)... but that would just make no sense, me bringing the car back home so that he can drive to the petrol station again when it is just on the way and he is always complaining about that.

Apart from that it’s really a long story. After the first chaos he ceased people here became very united and disciplined, showing solidarity and for a while it felt like the pandemic just brought out the best in people. We managed to crush the curve - but then some gave up). I think when the coronavirus was raging worst we had around 10.000 new cases a day. If Germany was the size of the USA that would have been 40.000 new infections a day. Now we are down to circa 200 a day (would be 800 in the USA). Today for example 219 new infections with Covid have been registered.
When this was bad people were working together. We had that homefront of Volunteers Who volunteered in were it was necessary, for example some called the elderly so that they feel not lonesome in their homes, some helped people who are not computer savvy with their internet access, some sew facemasks and so on. In fact they had to turn down volunteers in some cases because there were far more people willing to volunteer then volunteers needed.

Maybe the most important volunteers however were the volunteer contact tracers. Thats medical students who help out at our local health departments, help them trace the contacts of the infected so they can be tested. It is believed that without their help it wouldn’t have been possible to bring the number of infections down. There was some political discussion then and some cries to open up the country but not much.
There was a centralized response and you know what’s odd - Germany is not a centralized country. Everybody listened to Merkel who actually had no say in this. Germany is a federal republic and the federal structure makes her a very weak chancellor. So that’s different from the powers for example the American president has. She doesn’t have that kind of power. So if local authorities said “who cares what Merkel has to say“ they would not have to listen to her... but they listened to her when she said we must flatten the curve, even her political opponents because they thought it makes sense and then everybody waited anxiously what she had to say what was the next thing we do.
I think it was at 1000 Daily new cases countrywide when the numbers where already down a lot Merkel said we are going zero corona, we will find and isolate every single case... and that’s when political discussion started and the majority of local MPs (that is the local first minister if the state, the ones who have the political say when it comes to making this decision) stopped following her lead because they thought it was not possible and also that it would bring the economy down.

Sorry have to stop now, my kids woke.
How have the reaction of people in America been?
 
#45
My vet always had trouble with “Avoidance“ as a PTSD symptom. I fear that this might not have gotten better, right now a lot of people avoiding grocery stores, crowds and so on but if the pandemic is over? We will see what happens.
I was thinking about that the other day as well... my vet is pretty much a hermit on a good day. He is having zero problems right now with not leaving the house or interacting with people. He had actually been a little more active before this hit, but that may have flown out the window now. We shall see.

I think your Vet must feel very vulnerable because of his disabilities. What would have happened if that guy would have tried to beat your vet would he have been able to avoid the blow?
Nobody swings on my vet because he’s the size of a bear and looks mean. He can defend himself if he had to, but he never has to. He’s only ever been in a few fights his whole life, and it’s because he’s big enough people leave him alone. He’s also always armed, so he’d be fine.

There have been times during this whole thing that he’s had his ear to the ground though... waiting for people to freak out in large groups. We can defend ourselves and the house if we had too, and I think that’s always on his radar. It’s been on his radar a little extra now.

However I stop by the petrol station because it is just on the way. It’s very safe, never any aggressive people, very hygienic...
It sounds like you’re being safe. I’m glad you’re getting out some.

How have the reaction of people in America been?
I think a lot of people pulled together at first. We had a lot of volunteerism too, and people were going out of their way to be kind. That seems to be going out the window as everybody is getting pandemic fatigue. We also have a lot of belligerent people who think it’s all a hoax or a conspiracy. Because of that we’re having a hard time with our spread. I think we had almost 45000 new cases in the US today, and we haven’t peaked yet. We’re still surging.

So that’s different from the powers for example the American president has. She doesn’t have that kind of power.
Our president chose not to handle this federally and passed the buck to each state to handle on its own. So you have some states doing great, and other states that didn’t shut down at all. Everybody was competing against each other for PPE and resources. It’s been a dumpster fire since the beginning. That’s why the US is having the results it’s having with no end in sight. Add in massive protests (reopening protests, and then later on BLM), shortages, and unemployment... we’re having a gay ole time over here. People are joking about it being like a game of Jumanji. What’s next?

^^^ This is what bothers my vet more than Coronavirus. The uncertainty of how scared and desperate people act. He’s seen it before, and he doesn’t have much faith in how “spoiled” unprepared Americans behave if things got significantly worse.
 
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Thread starter #46
Sorry, I didn’t want to say your vet was weak and defenseless.

It is similar here to what you describe (only with mich less cases). Corona related decisions are now made by the federal states (and in some cases even by cities or city districts, depending on which kind of decision). Some federal states are doing very well. The state of MVP for example had only one corona infection this week and it was a tourist who arrived from another federal state. They have been testing a lot but the test came all back negative. This shows it is possible to contain the coronavirus.
Other states however for a number of reasons (economical, psychological, constitutional) chose the strategy of “controlled spread“ in which the coronavirus is allowed to slowly burn trough the population. The federal state we live in, unfortunately, is one with relatively many cases (compared with other German federal states, not compared with the US) and it still has community spread of unknown origin.

There are a lot of people now who are opposed to the counter-corona measures. People are being harassed for wearing a mask (which is by the way the law on public transport, waited to be seated in a restaurant or when shopping). People are being harassed for volunteering.

The protestors have a number of reasons for their actions
1) Some think that the coronavirus is a hoax and a conspiracy for example some do believe that Bill Gates wants to vaccinate us with microchips/nanobots which he will hide in a vaccine. Does this opinion exist in the US too?

2) Other think that the coronavirus really exist but that it is just like the flu or maybe a bit worse and that collateral damage because of the countermeasures is much bigger, for example the say that the countermeasures will lead to economic depression and that this economic depression will claim countless lives. They believe economic depression will be that bad that even our children will suffer from that.

Many people nowadays choose to shop online and eat at home and this has caused problems for many stores/restaurants. There are people who say people choose to shop online/eat at home because they have to wear a mask and that masks bring down our economy. They also say if you are complying with compulsory mask use you are guilty of damaging the economy because those wearing masks scare of customers because it looks scary.

There is also the opinion that there is other collateral damage, for example there has been the case of a criminal who was spared prison because there were corona outbreaks in the prison system and it was decided that criminals could be spared jail time if their crime was not too bad. However one of those criminals (who had been found guilty of causing bodily harm before but was spared jail) later on became a murderer. That case enraged many people because without the counter corona measures he would have been in jail.

3. There is also a group of people that thinks that corona exists and is most likely worse than the flue but that counter corona measures such as quarantine camps, forced isolation of infected, the fact that in some cases a fence was build around whole hotspot neighbourhoods, including the houses of those not infected, compensatory mask use, having to register with your name when eating out in a restaurant and so on violate human rights.

4. Some people also think that the corona measure might or might not have been justified but that Merkel seized power in a way that was not in line with the Constitution, that power all of the time should have been in the hands of the federal states.

5. Some say that a lot of tax payers money has been wasted. For example temporary hospitals have been build, medical doctors hired, because it was believed there would be a shortage of hospital capacity but they have never been used. Ventilators have been bought which have never been used.
The existing capacity of hospitals and ventilators was more then sufficient according to what I heard.
Some people say that Merkel panicked when she saw what was happening in Italy and she paid not enough attention to the fact that before the crisis Germany had a higher capacity of unoccupied ICU beds/unused ventilators than Italy.

So to sum it up: There is a small number of people who believe corona is a hoax and there is a much bigger number of people who believe it had been hyped and that this has lead to a number of problems (economic problems, murderers roaming the streets, the constitution has been violated, violation of human rights, waste of tax payers money). A lot of people feel very strongly about this and they see people who disagree with them as “the enemy“.

A bit long explanation I guess and has nothing to do with ptsd. Sorry. I just wanted to explain why this has become so political which is bad for my vet and yes, he is worried about the political rift in our country, worried that it will lead to chaos and lack of unity.
But I have to stop now. I’ll explain later.

BTW my vet snatched out of it a bit yesterday, finished working early so he could cook with the kids and did selfcare like took a long bath while drinking some beer... and was in a happier mood... and didn’t seem tobe as scared.
 
#47
I just wanted to explain why this has become so political which is bad for my vet and yes, he is worried about the political rift in our country, worried that it will lead to chaos and lack of unity.
We have a lot of those weird conspiracy theories floating around too. That’s another thing, like the legitimate health concerns... things *are* a bit chaotic and decisive right now. People without PTSD are feeling unsettled about this too, so one could only imagine how this is impacting people with PTSD.

Sorry, I didn’t want to say your vet was weak and defenseless
It’s all good... I didn’t think you were. The thought never crossed my kind. I guess because if you could see him you wouldn’t get a “vulnerable” impression, so that usually doesn’t come up. He just does things in a different way than able-bodied people do. Adapt and overcome.... and have a sense of humor about it.

BTW my vet snatched out of it a bit yesterday, finished working early so he could cook with the kids and did selfcare like took a long bath while drinking some beer... and was in a happier mood... and didn’t seem tobe as scared.
That’s awesome! Did he do something differently yesterday than what he usually does? Or do you think it was a random mood thing?
 
Thread starter #48
That’s awesome! Did he do something differently yesterday than what he usually does? Or do you think it was a random mood thing?
Let me think. He had breakfast yesterday instead of a candybar and I may be wrong but I always have the feeling that a real breakfast improves his mood.
(He has a new scent that he says makes him feel good... errrr... wasn’t sure if I should mention that here because I think according to some a man has to have a foul odor in odor to be manly - but my vet discovered he sometimes likes to smell good and that a smell - not only a scent but for example also an orange oil candle can lift his mood. Also I think it’s good if he smells extra nice (though I always like the way he smells) and I guess in the long run smelling good and attracting women is more manly than having a foul odor and dispelling them).
He doesn’t cough much anymore - so less stressed because of that.
Also his stomach trouble got better.
The corona news had been good. There had been a discussion that some federal states wanted to abolish compulsory mask use in shops but twitter users made the hashtag “No mask- no buy“ (#KeineMaskeKeinKauf) trend and Merkel spoke out in favour of masks use (remember: because Germany is a federal republic she has no say on this but of course her opinion will be heard) and in the morning we heard that those politicians now think that it is best to keep face masks compulsory.
BTW corona news have been this morning again btw. The first federal state decided to officially allow homeschooling after the summer holiday. We do not live in that state but my vet had a big grin this morning and was very happy for them.

By the way now that we are talking about schools:
Trump said they are open in Germany and without problems. Well that’s not true. Many German federal states have their schools closed for summer holiday now. The schools did not fully open before the summer holidays but opened only once a week or once every two weeks in a reduced class size and in many cases with compulsory mask use. Some German states opened the schools in the last two weeks before the summer holidays but they said it was “an experiment“ and that there would be studies about the results.
There are planes to fully open the schools after summer holidays (full class size, no masks) but a lot of virologist/epidemiologist have spoken out against this.
240 German schools/day care centers had one or several cases of Coronavirus since that started. There are people twittering about that for example this one:
 
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