Why Is It So Hard For Me?

[DaleD]

Hi all I'm Dale. I suffer from combat ptsd and have been dealing with it for about 4 years. I have problems with relationships. My last relationship lasted just over 3 years and the girl I was dating was abusive. I know how strange that may sound. But after coming home from Iraq all I wanted was... to be close to someone. I don't know why I didn't leave her after the first time I got beat with a tv remote but I didn't. I stayed.

I finally did get away from her and now I'm home out of the military and have not been able to have a close relationship with anyone since. I feel alone no matter what, no matter who I'm with. I'm emotionally stunted. I don't know how to cry, feel empathy or sympathy. I continually isolate myself and avoid getting close.

Any suggestions or advise? Oh and please don't give me cliché advise or tell me to seek help. Thank you.

 

[scout86]

Can I point out that you just asked for "help"? (Picture me ducking, just in case you threw an imaginary object...or a real one?, at your computer screen.)

First, congratulations on getting out of the abusive relationship. Not an easy thing to do! If you look around on here, you'll find a lot of people describing what you're describing, in different degrees and for different reasons. You'll also find a lot of "relationship issues". Go back and reread your second paragraph. Step back a little and pretend someone else wrote it. How easy is it going to be to be in a relationship with that person? If someone you like came to you, looking for advice, with that paragraph, what would you tell them? Would you tell them "Hey, you're a worthless idiot who doesn't DESERVE a good relationship"? (I sincerely hope not!) Would you tell them, "The world is a rotten place and everything is someone else's fault!"? (I hope not again!) What WOULD you tell them?

I'll tell you a version of what my therapist told me, the first time I emailed him. "PTSD is a big deal. It affects more aspects of your life than you know, and it won't go away by itself." Then he said he just happened to have an opening, that very week, just in case I wanted to come in and talk. He's a smart guy. Without even knowing me, he knew I'd have stalled, "minimized", and made excuses right up to the point where I picked a more drastic way to solve my problems than sending him an email. I'm glad I made the appointment and kept it. (BTW, walking through that door the first time was one of the hardest things I've ever done. So was the following week. It DOES get easier, but I still spend a fair amount of time trying to talk myself out of going. In some ways, I think just showing up is a victory.)

I'll recommend a great book, "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior." Maybe you can get it at your local library. You can get it online, even a used copy, reasonably priced. When I first started dealing with this stuff, my therapist was occasionally annoying and frustrating because he has what seems (to me) to be kind of a fluffy, New Agey way of explaining stuff. I'd hear something he said or read something he wrote and be left thinking "What the heck was THAT supposed to be???" This book is great! The author takes the approach "This is what you might be experiencing. This is the reason. Here's some ideas on what you can do," It also includes some stories of other people's experiences that were eye opening.

As far as the relationship thing goes....I'm not in much of a position to talk. I've been in a few, all but one were train wrecks. Was it all my fault? No, it appears I somehow attract people like your ex GF. Interesting, huh? I haven't quite figured out the reason yet (bigger fish that need frying first, I guess) but I'm totally sure there's a reason. I've decided I'd better sort out what that reason is BEFORE I take another shot at a relationship. Meanwhile, good luck and welcome aboard.

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps on the next go round you can set the bar for the relationship a bit higher than "being close to someone". Glad that you got out of your abusive relationship. For myself, when I got out of my abusive first marriage, I know that I was determined not to bring baggage with me to a new relationship... so I took time to build myself up and address my own issues before/during and after I entered into my next long term relationship which has lasted 28 years. Some of them dicey and difficult... but taking the time to work on self improvement and coping skills... even learning how to self parent/mature while I was on my own paid off. Hope you don't consider this cliche... as it is my own personal experience.

 

[Ghostybear73]

As odd as this may sound, I became angry and violent after living with my past. It was an easy way to keep people from getting close to me. Thankfully my husband understands the complexity of my PTSD. At first, he did a lot of physical restraining. When I realized I couldn't hurt him, I started to make excuses as to why I couldn't be with him. He then started to do a mental restraining. Now that I know he will not leave me, I have calmed down. I have my verbally abusive moments (since I know I can't hurt him physically), but he understands that its the PTSD talking, not me.

Your situation is a quite a bit different as you have the PTSD and maybe she had some form of prior abuse as well, but it is still not an excuse to be abusive to another and I'm glad you were able to get out of that cycle. To be honest, shame is sometimes my friend of the day for the way I act sometimes.

It is normal to not be able to show emotion or be empathetic/sympathetic towards someone as it shows emotional vulnerability and I imagime that's not easy for you. When it is really time, you will find someone who accepts not just your PTSD, but you and who you are as a whole.

Thank you for your service and its terrible that you had to endure what you saw or did overseas. It takes a special kind of person to sacrafice themselves for others!!! You will always be viewed as a hero in my eyes!

 

[bell]

Hi @DaleD, all these responses are great, but I'd like to "like" @scout86's post about a million times. Read it once, then read it again. Then maybe a third time.

Therapy can suck at times, but it doesn't suck nearly as much as getting better. Don't: 1) rule it out, 2) think we are taking the easy way out by mentioning it, and 3) dare say that therapy is for wusses... because therapy is hard work, but worth its wait in gold. Therapy is for the tough, not for the weak, so if that's what's being fed to you, they seriously have no idea what they're talking about. (I know that the military isn't so great on extolling the virtues of therapy...)

Also, the not feeling anything? The not getting close? It's because your brain is telling you that doing so is dangerous... Even when it wasn't, because at some point it was dangerous. So, you're going to need to train your brain that it's safe to be close to someone, which takes work, but will lead you to where you want to be... close to someone who doesn't lord over the remote. ;)

Edited to add: That remote comment wasn't to make light of it, as abuse is serious. Just, er, trying to help you see that there is a way out. And that you can get there.

 

[jd9900]

Hello DaleD, welcome! I'm new myself and have found this site a wonderful tool thus far.

This is probably not cliche' advice, at least I hope not - I know that feeling as well. It's frustrating to read and do the same things over and over and not see different results. It makes me start to question my sanity at some point.

One of the things I've found that helped me a lot was getting to know combat sufferers, and sharing with them my experiences. In turn, when they trusted me, I was able to share with them mine. As a sufferer of severe non combt PTSD, I found it highly enlightening to see both the similarities and the differences between the two.

This helped me (And also helped them) see things from a different angle, and...well, for example, I couldn't relate to "Not Crying." I cry if the wind shifts. :) In sharing these things, CPTSD sufferers were able to help me gain a better control over my emotions, and in turn I think I was able to help them express themselves with more emotion. It was very rewarding for everyone I believe.

I know it's tough. I for one am glad you made it here, though, and I hope you stick around.

 

[NYGirl]

Dale, you are doing something positive for yourself just by reaching out. I hope that you continue to seek ways to take care of you. Only then will you be able to be in a healthy relationship. I am not preaching to you. I am realizing that for myself as well. I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of being in an abusive marriage for over 15 years. I have been divorced and in recovery for two years. There is hope.

 

[DaleD]

Ok here it goes.
Scout86 in response to your question about what I would tell someone that came to me with the same problems: from an outsiders point of view, as though I had no knowledge of what ptsd is, I would honestly tell them to get the f*** over it. It may seem harsh but truth is I ask myself all the time why I can't get over it. (by the way, your beginning gave me a good laugh) Thank you for the book recommendation I will definitely look it up. Further more, I did try therapy. I've had a 6 week intense out patient program, multiple psychologist as well as psychiatrists. I've been on more meds over the years than I care to count. My full diagnosis is "severe clinical depression, ptsd, and anxiety disorder with unknown cause" this is what is written on my medical papers from the Army.

The Albatross, thank you. I know I should set the bar higher. I know that I probably have baggage, and I also know that I need to work on underlying problems. However, the truth is sometimes I just get so damn lonely that I would probably settle for just about any form of female contact that I can get. I'm happy that you were able to find such a great relationship and I hope that maybe one day I will too find someone that excepts me.

Ghostybear73, thank you for your support. But I don't believe I'm a hero. I'm not sure what a hero is or does.

Bell, I did indeed read it 5 or 6 times. And as I said I have tried different forms of therapy. Also, I have tried to "reconfigure" my brain. I have opened up to people but I learned that most people don't understand and/or don't want to understand. Lastly I don't easily take offense to things. I know what you were doing with the comment about the remote, it's no big deal.

Jd9900, thank you for taking the time to try and get to know cptsd sufferers. The closest I have gotten to crying in years is watery eyes. I have tried writing as well as expressing my feels through the songs I listen to. But this really doesn't work. People generally don't listen to music because of the depth of the lyrics. So the meaning of the song becomes lost.

NYgirl, thank you for reminding me that there is hope, and I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did.

 

[jd9900]

DaleD, Something that really helped me get through my emotions - and let me tell you, mentioning this to combat troops recently after their TOD I was looked at pretty much like...well, let's just say I wasn't viewed as the most manly man in the group. :)

However, I said this to them, and some of my friends told me it helped.

I told them that when they are alone, and feel safe, lay in bed, take a few deep breaths, and hug and talk to your pillow.

This would be about the time the hilarity ensued. Apparenty the marine corps doesn't consider this an effective and efficient military procedure. I was, well, met with resistance.

However, I said the following:

"The pillow is safe. It can not hurt you. You can not hurt it. You are safe. You are secluded. You can be at one with your feelings."

I am pretty sure I was ducking beer bottles by this point, but I carried on.

"If your head is anything like mine, just what do you have to lose by hugging and talking to a pillow? If nobody else knows, then only you know. And this is the best part - you can tell that pillow anything, anything at all."

Suddenly I was ducking less beer bottles.

 

[bell]

I would honestly tell them to get the f*** over it.

Personally, I would look more into why you would tell them that. Because you think they are weak? Because you think that people shouldn't share their problems? Because here is where your resistance to change (and/or getting help) is festering. (Yes. Festering. It's not getting any better and feeding on itself... making things worse.)

Best of luck to you.

 

[scout86]

DaleD Don't tell yourself THAT!!! LOL (Been there, done that, didn't work real well!)

I don't think I'd have coped real well with multiple therapists, especially not in a short span of time. I've been seeing the guy I see for about 7 months. There are still lots of days when we talk about car racing, or dogs, or something totally off the wall, because he's not going to pressure me, presumably until he thinks I trust him. I trust him quite a bit. With my life? Not hardly! He knows that too. I'm probably not far enough in to this to know, but I think the whole "trusting someone other than yourself" thing might be the hardest part. You know what? That's a big part of being in a relationship too. For a relationship to work, both parties have to bring something to the table. You BOTH have to give 100%, you BOTH get to receive too, of course.

BTW, I share the house with a couple of dogs. They're good company and don't notice any of my idiosyncrasies. But, I'm with you, it would be nice to share life with a SO too!

 

[NYGirl]

Dale, we go through things and come out stronger for them. I am confident that the trials and experiences you have and your dealing with them is preparing you to be in a healthy relationship with someone who will appreciate you for you, imperfections and all. A diagnosis, or two, or three....it doesn't matter. They do not have to define you. You can have healing and learn to deal with things. There is ALWAYS hope. Always.