Why Is It So Hard To Keep Going?

[HelenB]

I don't even know what to write on here really, but am just having such a hard time at the moment and know there are so many people who understand on here and just need so much to somehow believe that I really can get through this and that it will be worth it.

I have four amazing children and a husband who I know loves me so much, but at the moment am just struggling so much and feel like I fail them so much.

This week with Christmas I am going to have to face all my family. I know so many people just say that I don't have to do it and why see the people who I find it so hard to see, but it is not as simple as that. To not see them would mean confronting things with my whole family, and though I do know that I will have to do that in time, I am not yet in a place where I can deal with that and know it would not be good for me.

For so many years I have coped by shutting everything out and just going into self destruct whenever I have started to feel any of the horrible things, but gradually over the years have allowed that hutring place inside myself to have a voice more and more, but still it is so hard. Over the last six months I know I have more and more allowed the things in my head to become more real, and the trauma work I am doing at the moment I know is so important within that, but at the same time at the moment I am just finding it so hard. Seeing my dad and step dad is so hard and again I just feel so much like I want to run and run and run and destroy all the horrible thoughts and feelings inside of me, which I know in reality is only possible by destroying myself completely because nothing else has ever made them go away.

I know in reality the only way to help that screaming inside me is to continue to allow it to have a voice and to be able to really release it and have freedom from it, and know in so many ways I have come so far in my therapy, but at the same time it is so hard, and at the moment I am just struggling so much to even function and just feel so much like I want to run away and cannot even face it any more.

I know I have to. I know my children and husband deserve so much more, and I know that that little girl inside me deserves so much more too, but it is so hard and I feel so terrified and at the same time still feel like I just want to destroy myself so much.

I do not really know why I am going on so much on here, but really am finding it so hard, and it is so hard to not just be so angry with myself for struggling so so much, I have such an amazing husband and children and so many positive things in my life now, but even with that it is so so hard to keep going and in so many ways I just want to end it all so much, and those feelings really can be so overpowering and so scary at times.

Sorry for the vent, but I just am in such a hard place at the moment, and know that keeping it inside is just not going to help at all and really appreciate those of you who have read and can somehow relate to some of what I am feeling.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[digger]

Reading and relating, but I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say. I think this time of year is so difficult for many people. I think maybe being part way through working on things in therapy makes it even harder to see those involved. For me it does. I have lots of raw feelings at the moment about people I am going to have to see and act 'normal' around over this coming week. Unresolved issues.

It is hard. Try not to make it harder on yourself by giving yourself shit for struggling. Easier said than done I know. It is understandable though. You would understand it in someone else.

Don't apologise for venting if it helps.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you for letting me vent. So often I just wish it could be over but do know I have to keep trusting that I can get through and not let myself go back into that self destruct place, but that is just so hard at the moment and all the pressures of being a wife and mother too, even though I love them so much makes it so hard at times.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[digger]

One of the hardest things isn't it, admitting that you find those you love, and who care about you, hard work at times? So much guilt attached. But being a parent, while being the best thing ever, is also at times the hardest thing ever. It's okay to admit that. Even parents without PTSD find it hard sometimes ;)

 

[franciemarnie]

It is complex sometimes. I can identify with the place you are in.

Nothing triggers feelings of internal violence as family does for me. I think you are in that place where you have to go with the lesser of two evils right now and go ahead and see them. I understand how that goes.

When I have forced confrontation before I was ready in the past, the emotional backlash within me afterwards was so tremendous, it wasn't worth it. I wait now until I am ready.

You and only you will know when the time is right. There will be that something inside you that will say, now is the time and you won't even have to rehearse it because all you have to speak is the truth and the truth never changes.

Trust your instincts. It helps me to accept that I will be in discomfort if I choose a certain action, but I will be in greater discomfort if I choose any of the other options at the moment.

You are healing so you are changing. It won't always feel like this. I think you will feel better after the holiday is over. I know I will. You are not alone.

 

[HelenB]

Thank you both so much for your understanding. In so many ways I just want everything to be OK for the family I have now, but with so much going on with everything coming up for me at the moment that is so hard and even finding the strength to keep going so hard at times and I really do feel so guilty for finding it so hard when I do love them so much.

Franciemarine what you have said is so helpful to me in terms of knowing when is right for me and trusting my instincts about how to deal with it all. It is so hard when so many people just think that I should just not see people who I know it will be hard to see, but really do know that a confrontation at the moment really would not be the right thing, and know within it that the most imortant thing is that I do find ways to ensure I do keep myself safe and do not go back into shutting everything out and being so angry again at myself for even allowing that screaming and so terrified place to have a voice. That I know will be very hard, but having people who really do understand is so helpful within that and really do appreciate your understanding so much.

I am so glad you said you think I will feel better after the holiday is over. Again I know I am so scared that it is just too much to face and that I cannot do it, and again I feel so bad and guilty as I so much just want to be OK for my children and be able to give them the Christmas they really do deserve, but I know I do have to just take it a step at a time and really try and keep making the right choices, and really am trying to keep doing that.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[franciemarnie]

I love what you said about finding ways to keep yourself safe. This is my goal too, and so important to my keeping any semblance of balance.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with family at family functions, but it helps me to step outside - literally. I'm sorry to say I do still smoke on occasion so that's an easy out. My husband is my safe person so he knows to say, Would you like company out there (outside smoking)? and I will say yes or no depending. Also I will do the grounding things of the five senses and check myself for internal sensation from head to toe when the company is there to stay present. That works for me anyway.

But if by any chance an outburst happens spontaneously, that is life and God knows my family has done way worse to me. Here's to the New Year!!!

 

[HelenB]

I just wish is was as easy to do as say with the keeping myself safe, but do know I have to keep reminding myself that it is so important and do know it is.

I am also smoking at the moment, after a long time of not and then starting again, and though I also know its not the greatest do know it is helping me through at the moment and do believe that when I have really been able to face and deal with all the roots of what is going on it will be a lot easier to actually quit again and do what I do know my body needs. At the moment its a fight enough to just keep making the decision to keep eating enough so I'm certainly not going to put too much pressure on to not smoke too.

I know that grounding myself and also using my safe space is so important, and really will try and keep practicing and reminding myself of that, and am just hoping so much that I will be able to hold it together because I know it is me I would destroy if not and I know it really is time to stop doing that and that that little girl inside me really does need me to listen and protect her this time because if I don't there is no-one else who can.

Thank you again
Helen

 

[Marf]

Helen, I am sorry that you are struggling so much this year - I surely understand.

What I did for myself was to ALWAYS have my car. That ment having the freedom to leave, which we did not have as kids. Also, I set up a secret word that let my husband know that we had to leave. He always came up with the excuse for me.

I also want to add, if you do shut down while you are there, it is okay. Please try not beat yourself up for it. It has taken me a long time to love my ability to shut down when I am overwhelmed. We earned that ability and need to respect and love ourselves for it. It is there to protect us and keep us safe.

When it is over, talk to that scared one inside of you and let her know how proud you are of her. I hope you have a nice visit with everyone. Merry Christmas!

 

[HelenB]

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't really know how I will specifically deal with it yet, but do know that talking it through with my husband before so I can ensure it is possible to look after myself properly is so important. So often I feel so angry with myself for even feeling as I do that I find it hard to allow myself to do things like planning ways of keeping myself safe and put things like that in place, but do know this time that I really do have to, and knowing that it really is ok helps so much.

With me the biggest problem with shutting it out is that with that I so often go into the place of being angry with myself for feeling and effectively say to that little girl inside to F off and hate myself so so much. I feel like nothing matters which happened to my body and that I am bad and dirty and that is it all my fault anyway and from that go to the place of shutting it out and just not caring. That for me I know is not a safe place any more. I know it served a purpose for a time, and that in a strange way that self hatred and anger was really a coping mechanism to protect that little girl, as it wasn't safe at all to allow myself to feel it or allow it to matter at the time, but now I know that has changed and that I do have to allow myself to keep her safe. That is so hard and at the same time I do want so much to hate myself shut it out and make it all go away and tell that little girl she is so bad for even feeling it anyway.

I really am trying not to do that and really do not want to, and know that talking to that little girl and really reassuring her and doing everything I can to make her safe is so so important, and though it is so different to how I have ever dealt with it before, I do know it is so important and really do want to be able to learn to keep myself safe.

I don't know how much that ramble makes sense, but hope it does and again thank you all so much for your understanding and care.

Helen

 

[digger]

I don't know if this would work for you, but could you try talking to the little girl inside you about this beforehand, telling her that you are not shutting her out or ignoring her but that because you have to be around the people that her you want to protect her from them and that might mean putting a wall between them and her.

I guess I'm saying try and reframe what you are doing when you shut down. You are not shutting her out, you are shutting them out. Tell her she has not done anything wrong. Try and visualise a wall not as prison for her but a protective den or something. Make it okay for yourself to shut down while you are with them, because it is okay, you are doing it to protect yourself, not to punish.

 

[franciemarnie]

I do that too like @digger1 - talk to them. I have more than one I feel separated out in trauma. (I don't mean this in a DID sense. they are younger me's that look like me.) Primarily two a year apart in age who have radically different view points that are equally valid and valuable. I will talk to them beforehand just as I would to a real 3D person in front of me. I want their input and try to come up with a compromise as needed. Then there is less internal violence. (I also work on integration in general.)

I am much kinder to myself when I can see them in my mind's eye. It's so much easier to have compassion for myself then.