Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Butterfly64]

I think it's mostly been covered. I am married but I vascillate between seeking closeness and seeking distance because closeness requires risk and risk of being hurt emotionally. Emotional hurt came with the situations that got me PTSD in the first place. So I have a part of myself that wants to heal by experiencing a better pattern and a part that says no don't go through this again and they fight.

Thank you for sharing ? I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through that.

 

[Butterfly64]

I haven't been in a relationship for 16 years. I desperately wanted to meet someone or just have 'casual' relationships but my life was shit. Doped up on medication and isolated. I find it scary now of the prospect of meeting someone. My heads a mess from too many bad situations. I wonder and understand that it would be difficult for someone to take me on. I'm not the same person I used to be.

Thank you for sharing! My heart goes out to you. It is difficult to be a supporter to someone with PTSD but definitely possible with open communication....which I have learned is difficult for many with PTSD. I hope that some day soon, you realize that you deserve that somebody special and that there are people who are willing and capable of going that extra mile for you.

 

[Survivor3]

Thank you for sharing! My heart goes out to you. It is difficult to be a supporter to someone with PTSD but definitely possible with open communication....which I have learned is difficult for many with PTSD. I hope that some day soon, you realize that you deserve that somebody special and that there are people who are willing and capable of going that extra mile for you.

Thank you for your kind words of support @Butterfly64 . ?

 

[Justmehere]

I agree he might have an avoidant attachment style. (It could be so many other things too.) I used to be further to the avoidant end of the attachment style spectrum myself. It didn’t shift because I was “ready.” I’m still much more distant than everyone wants me to be in all of my life despite ***a lot*** of work. (Argh.)

If he is avoidant, as you suspect, that means he doesn’t see a need for closeness. It’s not always exactly “relationships are too scary to be close” but “I don’t need to be close.” I have had good parts of my life where a need to be close seemed like a weird idea. It’s a lack of desire to be close. Sometimes it can genuinely be just the way a person is in the world.

He has communicated to you by his actions over and over and over and over he doesn’t want to change.

“Maybe someday” isn’t typically a sign of wrestling with being ready, At least not anytime in the near future... It’s what someone says when daydreaming. I certainly said things like that as a way to let people down gently, especially if we just had a moment of connection and they were asking for more connection, but I wanted to keep the connection we had. I’m not stating that was a good idea to say that, but I totally did that.

"Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery..." doesn't sound like someone actually planning on winning the lottery someday.

He isn’t actually making plans towards becoming ready someday.

Stuff I’m actually wrestling to be ready for? I’m doing stuff about. Right here right now.

He’s been clear he is rejecting what he’s identified as the first step: therapy. He’s rejected it for years.

You are telling him that you need to be with somebody who’s style is different. He’s communicated pretty clear to you either flat out no, or a “maybe someday.”

When will you be ready to let go? If you are not, then you are not. It’s a super hard thing to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's important to know your own attachment style too.

With avoidant attachment, though I don't really understand the difference between Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant wiith Anxiety (I identify more with the latter, I think), one of the nicest things you can do is go, ~here's the keys, have the house to yourself, kind of thing. Which most people wouldn't see as increasing bonding, but to me can be. That may be ptsd talking, but that consistency without pressure is way more safety-making IMHO. Like, sometimes it's nice to be close, but kind of not forced close, if too wound up. Spontaneous is better, as are choices, and demands or ultimatums feel like, please go away, or if you want to go for good, I guess that's ok. It feels like drowning and not being the person they need you to be (for me). (I should add, just for me- it can feel engulfing or controlling and way too fast, or even frightening. Including frightening of their expectations of who or how I am?) Also stuff is just too overwhelming for me- I am way too sensitive.

 

[Butterfly64]

I agree he might have an avoidant attachment style. (It could be so many other things too.) I used to be further to the avoidant end of the attachment style spectrum myself. It didn’t shift because I was “ready.” I’m still much more distant than everyone wants me to be in all of my life despite ***a lot*** of work. (Argh.)

If he is avoidant, as you suspect, that means he doesn’t see a need for closeness. It’s not always exactly “relationships are too scary to be close” but “I don’t need to be close.” I have had good parts of my life where a need to be close seemed like a weird idea. It’s a lack of desire to be close. Sometimes it can genuinely be just the way a person is in the world.

He has communicated to you by his actions over and over and over and over he doesn’t want to change.

“Maybe someday” isn’t typically a sign of wrestling with being ready, At least not anytime in the near future... It’s what someone says when daydreaming. I certainly said things like that as a way to let people down gently, especially if we just had a moment of connection and they were asking for more connection, but I wanted to keep the connection we had. I’m not stating that was a good idea to aay rha, but I totally did that.

"Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery..." doesn't sound like someone actually planning on winning the lottery someday.

He isn’t actually making plans towards becoming ready someday.

Stuff I’m actually wrestling to be ready for? I’m doing stuff about. Right here right now.

He’s been clear he is rejecting what he’s identified as the first step: therapy. He’s rejected it for years.

You are telling him that you need to be with somebody who’s style is different. He’s communicated pretty clear to you either flat out no, or a “maybe someday.”

When will you be ready to let go? If you are not, then you are not. It’s a super hard thing to do.

I don’t know when I will be ready to let go completely. We agreed on Monday that we won’t see each other for a while...three months or so and then he hopes we can be just friends, which is completely unrealistic, because the attraction won’t be gone by then....which I told him. Besides, I am quite convinced he contacts me before three months have passed. I know it is up to me to let go...he can’t for some reason. Part of him wants intimacy because he loves it, but in his opinion it equals relationship so he holds back. There were times over the past two years he would cuddle and kiss in the bedroom and he really enjoyed it...but not often....he said, he was afraid it would lead to relationship.
I feel stronger for each day there is no contact. I know he wants me back, but that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

I think it's important to know your own attachment style too.

With avoidant attachment, though I don't really understand the difference between Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant wiith Anxiety (I identify more with the latter, I think), one of the nicest things you can do is go, ~here's the keys, have the house to yourself, kind of thing. Which most people wouldn't see as increasing bonding, but to me can be. That may be ptsd talking, but that consistency without pressure is way more safety-making IMHO. Like, sometimes it's nice to be close, but kind of not forced close, if too wound up. Spontaneous is better, as are choices, and demands or ultimatums feel like, please go away, or if you want to go for good, I guess that's ok. It feels like drowning and not being the person they need you to be (for me). (I should add, just for me- it can feel engulfing or controlling and way too fast, or even frightening. Including frightening of their expectations of who or how I am?) Also stuff is just too overwhelming for me- I am way too sensitive.

Thank you for sharing? He has definitely pulled away because he feels forced to be close...it has to be spontaneous like you say, but it happened so rarely that I became impatient and frustrated because at that point I had not found this Forum. I have become so much wiser now. However it is too late now....we are both exhausted....worn out.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's good not to confuse intimacy with attachment, especially if you're solely speaking of being physically intimate. One can be physically intimate with no attachment, and attachment is a separate issue from intimacy of all kinds. (Attachment theory was coined studying mothers and infants, for example.)

Avoidant attachment describes a form of insecure attachment, not necessarily a difficulty or choice not to be physically intimate. And fear of intimacy is separate, also. One can be fearful of (physical) intimacy for many reasons.

Avoidant (or otherwise) attachment is also not a disorder, it just describes a way to attach. And attachment can be different between relationships, and different people, and it can change. But the changing even refers to how one relates, reacts, and expects, how they are 'in' relationship, not whether they want one or not (necessarily).

Intimacy itself is much more than sexual, that is only one form.

Maybe if you want a relationship, it's better to choose someone who also wants one? Or study your own attachment tendencies, and see if you have difficulty not being in 'a' relationship? (Part of improving or learning about your relationship to yourself.)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @Butterfly64 )))
You are being wise in letting this relationship go even though it's so dreadfully hard!

I have no doubt that this man wants to change but when it comes to being affectionate with hugs and kisses, I think it's nearly impossible to change one's ability to feel comfortable while holding someone and/or being held if it's never been a part of his life.

It makes me feel trapped and inadequate so I end embraces quickly. After 4 divorces I finally realized that I have intimacy issues. I can't sleep in a bed with someone unless it's a kid (no threat) and I don't like being randomly touched or cuddled. (CSA and needing to isolate)

I officially stopped dating 13 years ago and I am at peace with be single for the rest of my life. I'm almost 63 and can't imagine trying to be a part of a couple again. I need my space.

You deserve to have someone who starts out again as a friend who you discover is loving and affectionate outside the bedroom. And you DO deserve to have someone who WANTS to do whatever it takes to "fix" anything from their past that would hinder a happy adjusted future. Even therapy.

Keep being strong and expect him to come around again. Just repeat what you've already told him.

You deserve someone who is on the same page as you are.??

 

[flowerapple]

I have only been in two relationships, although the first one wasn't so much a real relationship as it was a forced relationship where I had no choice in it at all from the very start, including the decision to start the relationship, so I don't really think that is a relationship. The second one was my attempt at having a real relationship which didn't really work out for different reasons. The guy was a great guy, he was actually one of my close friends, but I just couldn't connect with him on a relationship level. Every time I tried to be close with him, and I don't mean anything serious like sex, but just something as simple as hugging or kissing him, I would just feel myself shutting down, I just couldn't do it. That relationship last two weeks before I broke it off because I just couldn't handle it. Since then, I went a few first dates but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself and I couldn't do it to them either.

I can't be intimate at all. I can have sex with someone but it's because I do it as a form of self-harm, and I don't have to connect with someone to have sex with them. The moment I have to connect with them though is when everything comes collapsing in on me. Intimacy scares the crap out of me, even just sitting here and typing it, I feel anxious and having flashbacks.

For me, being in a relationship just seems like a selfish thing to do. I know I have problems, and they are my problems I have to deal with. If I were to be in a relationship, it would mean that all or at least some of my problems would now become his problems, and I just don't think it's fair to do that. I don't feel it would be fair or right to dump my problems on him when he has nothing to do with them. And when I say 'dump my problems' I don't mean to make it their job to fix me, but I just don't want them to suffer due to my problems. I mean I wouldn't be able to be close with them, or it would probably take a really long time before I could be close with them, and to make someone else have to suffer through that, among other things, is just selfish, in my eyes. I don't want to be the reason/source of someone else's pain.

I also worry that if I were to get into a relationship, and do tell them about my problems and/or my past, they will just run. No one would want to have to know or deal with my issues, and to make them aware of it would just be too scary for them and they are going to run. So to avoid that, I find it easier to just avoid the whole thing together, and avoid the embarrassment and let down that would inevitably come to be. I also don't want to get attached to them and be open with them, only to have them leave me. If anyone were to know my trauma, or know about all the stuff I did during it, or after it (promiscuity), they would want to stay a mile away from me. To not be in a relationship, is to avoid that let down.

I also don't want to go into a relationship, only to end up into some abusive relationship, because I know if it happens, I won't put up any resistance and would just take it, because it's what I've always done.

I just feel it's better for everyone if I just stay by myself. There are other reasons, but those are the main ones.

 

[Tinyflame]

I relate to a lot of your post @flowerapple . Some differences, but the same internal fears, and more.

:hug:

 

[Butterfly64]

((( @Butterfly64 )))
You are being wise in letting this relationship go even though it's so dreadfully hard!

I have no doubt that this man wants to change but when it comes to being affectionate with hugs and kisses, I think it's nearly impossible to change one's ability to feel comfortable while holding someone and/or being held if it's never been a part of his life.

It makes me feel trapped and inadequate so I end embraces quickly. After 4 divorces I finally realized that I have intimacy issues. I can't sleep in a bed with someone unless it's a kid (no threat) and I don't like being randomly touched or cuddled. (CSA and needing to isolate)

I officially stopped dating 13 years ago and I am at peace with be single for the rest of my life. I'm almost 63 and can't imagine trying to be a part of a couple again. I need my space.

You deserve to have someone who starts out again as a friend who you discover is loving and affectionate outside the bedroom. And you DO deserve to have someone who WANTS to do whatever it takes to "fix" anything from their past that would hinder a happy adjusted future. Even therapy.

Keep being strong and expect him to come around again. Just repeat what you've already told him.

You deserve someone who is on the same page as you are.??

Thank you so much Intimacy has been a part of his life and he loves it. That is why he wants to be able to overcome the fear of intimacy...the real fear lies not in intimacy itself...it lies in intimacy leading to relationship and expectations. He has tried to do intimacy...when watching a film in bed he would suddenly hold my hand for a little while or stroke my arm. After sex he would some times cuddle for maybe five minutes or even longer...stroke my chin or my hair and it felt good. And then the next time after sex he wouldn’t do it. I became frustrated and confused and over the months/years the frustration grew and he knew this and felt pushed. The more he withdrew the more I said no to sex without intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I will stay strong and keep my distance. As for now, I am nowhere ready for a new relationship. My feelings are bruised....I am getting better at letting go of the dream. The first few weeks he showed me how affectionate and loving he can be and that is why I stayed so long. He was in love with me for 3-4 years before he told me and we became involved...loving me from a distance was safe and uncomplicated, but actually getting the chance to love me and making it work...that was too much for him. It caused chaos in his head. His stress cup has been constantly overrunning many, many times while being with me. So it is best for the both of us to stay apart and it is my responsibility to ensure it stays that way, because he can’t.

Four marriages...that must have taken a lot of strength and effort on your side to go through that. That must have been so hard. If you are truly at peace with being single then I applaud you. There is no point in you trying to make a relationship work. Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words! The only reason I am still on this Forum is because of kind people like you, who share and enlighten me on PTSD....being here makes me stronger and whenever I feel tempted to let him come back, I read som posts similar to mine and think...PTSD is a bitch which puts both sufferers and supporters through different kinds of hell and I am not going there again...so thank you ?

I have only been in two relationships, although the first one wasn't so much a real relationship as it was a forced relationship where I had no choice in it at all from the very start, including the decision to start the relationship, so I don't really think that is a relationship. The second one was my attempt at having a real relationship which didn't really work out for different reasons. The guy was a great guy, he was actually one of my close friends, but I just couldn't connect with him on a relationship level. Every time I tried to be close with him, and I don't mean anything serious like sex, but just something as simple as hugging or kissing him, I would just feel myself shutting down, I just couldn't do it. That relationship last two weeks before I broke it off because I just couldn't handle it. Since then, I went a few first dates but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself and I couldn't do it to them either.

I can't be intimate at all. I can have sex with someone but it's because I do it as a form of self-harm, and I don't have to connect with someone to have sex with them. The moment I have to connect with them though is when everything comes collapsing in on me. Intimacy scares the crap out of me, even just sitting here and typing it, I feel anxious and having flashbacks.

For me, being in a relationship just seems like a selfish thing to do. I know I have problems, and they are my problems I have to deal with. If I were to be in a relationship, it would mean that all or at least some of my problems would now become his problems, and I just don't think it's fair to do that. I don't feel it would be fair or right to dump my problems on him when he has nothing to do with them. And when I say 'dump my problems' I don't mean to make it their job to fix me, but I just don't want them to suffer due to my problems. I mean I wouldn't be able to be close with them, or it would probably take a really long time before I could be close with them, and to make someone else have to suffer through that, among other things, is just selfish, in my eyes. I don't want to be the reason/source of someone else's pain.

I also worry that if I were to get into a relationship, and do tell them about my problems and/or my past, they will just run. No one would want to have to know or deal with my issues, and to make them aware of it would just be too scary for them and they are going to run. So to avoid that, I find it easier to just avoid the whole thing together, and avoid the embarrassment and let down that would inevitably come to be. I also don't want to get attached to them and be open with them, only to have them leave me. If anyone were to know my trauma, or know about all the stuff I did during it, or after it (promiscuity), they would want to stay a mile away from me. To not be in a relationship, is to avoid that let down.

I also don't want to go into a relationship, only to end up into some abusive relationship, because I know if it happens, I won't put up any resistance and would just take it, because it's what I've always done.

I just feel it's better for everyone if I just stay by myself. There are other reasons, but those are the main ones.

Thank you so much for sharing...that was not easy and I applaud you for doing it...it shows strength! I really can’t imagine what you are going through. It is so unfair what you and so many people are going through on a daily basis. There are people who are strong enough to take on a PTSD relationship, people who are not scared away easily. I hope that one day you will meet that someone special!

 

[Butterfly64]

I think it's good not to confuse intimacy with attachment, especially if you're solely speaking of being physically intimate. One can be physically intimate with no attachment, and attachment is a separate issue from intimacy of all kinds. (Attachment theory was coined studying mothers and infants, for example.)

Avoidant attachment describes a form of insecure attachment, not necessarily a difficulty or choice not to be physically intimate. And fear of intimacy is separate, also. One can be fearful of (physical) intimacy for many reasons.

Avoidant (or otherwise) attachment is also not a disorder, it just describes a way to attach. And attachment can be different between relationships, and different people, and it can change. But the changing even refers to how one relates, reacts, and expects, how they are 'in' relationship, not whether they want one or not (necessarily).

Intimacy itself is much more than sexual, that is only one form.

Maybe if you want a relationship, it's better to choose someone who also wants one? Or study your own attachment tendencies, and see if you have difficulty not being in 'a' relationship? (Part of improving or learning about your relationship to yourself.)

I agree with you completely. And yes intimacy is so much more than just sex. When we were just friends he would tell me things he wouldn’t tell most people and after I told him I was educating myself on PTSD he has actually opened up and told me things he hasn’t done before...given me an insight as to how PTSD affects him...that is intimacy on a deep level.
I am not ready for a relationship now...he is still in my blood and will be for a while, even if I don’t see him for a long time. If I had met under other circumstances...had he not been my neighbor...I would not have stayed so long...put up with what I did. But I knew him really well and it felt so natural and safe to become involved with him and he felt the same. We both loved the fact that we knew each other really well. I am so glad that he moved in January, because if I still had to see him walk past my house with his dog on a daily basis...that would have been torture.
I don’t need to be in a relationship now...I need to be own my own for a while. I have sort of lost my faith in relationships to be honest...it will come back.