Sexual Assault Why Is Talking So Hard?

[Jen]

Ok so I was abused by my brother when I was young for about 4-5 years. There was so much upheaval in my life at that time with parents splitting, my mother being mentally ill amongst other things, I didn't enjoy what happened it was awful but this became the only constant that I had. it was normal. It had never really massively effected me before.

Now I feel like this is eating away at me. I had never mentioned this to anyone until recently (apart from one friend when I was younger and this ended badly!). To a friend, a mother figure, I had to tell someone, she'd asked me what was wrong and I could only do it by text. I cannot physically talk about any of these things with out feeling so uncomfortable/exposed/vulnerable. It almost seems easier to not do it. My body physically starts to shake and I just clam up. Does this happen to anyone else? I didn't feel like I was that massively effected by everything but why is it so difficult getting it out??

:o(

 

[healingangel90]

Hey Jen! I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this, I know I can. I shake a lot, my heartbeat is uncontrollable, and I start to sweat and panic. I haven't actually verbally told anybody other than my therapist. Everybody has their own reasons to why it's so difficult. For me, I was afraid of what people would think of me or what their reactions would be. I also didn't know how to show someone how vulnerable I really was. I've always avoided anything that could make me seem vulnerable.

Also, sometimes the effects are delayed. I didn't realize how big of a deal it was until a few years after the abuse stopped, and looking back, I could see how it did affect me in my personality and the way I cope with things and so many other aspects of who I am today. It was then that all of the memories began to be a struggle for me.

 

[Jen]

Thank you for your reply healingangel90. It's very difficult. I am not used to making myself vulnerable as I have worked so hard to keep everyone at arms length. I think I am also worried about what people will think of me if they find out. I do feel like I need to talk but i'm not sure how much better it will make things bringing it all up again.

How long did it take you to be able to pluck up the courage talk get yourself a T? And how did you find your first session? I can imagine it was immensely difficult.

I respect and envy your courage to do that :o)

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks Jen, but I really wasn't as courageous as I wish I had been. It took me 3 years. I had thought about it, but it seemed way too scary to me. Finally, a friend told me that I really should talk to someone, and I actually ended up mad at her for even thinking that I needed help. A few days later, I realized she was right, and I asked her to make my first appointment. I'm in college now, so my school offers free therapy for all full time students. Usually, it's only brief therapy, but they were able to point me to a sexual violence office that gave you therapy for as long as you are a student at the university. This worked out great because my parents didn't have to find out from insurance bills or anything that I was getting help. It was one of the hardest things I have done, but I'm so glad I took the step. I was extremely close to chickening out and ditching my appointment for the first few meetings, and I was scared to the point where I was nauseous. But it gets easier and you start to see all of the positives that come out of therapy.

Are you looking into getting a therapist?

 

[Jen]

I haven't actively started looking cause I'm pretty worried about the whole thing. I was just going to concentrate on confiding in my friend for now and see how I get on with that but even that seems like a struggle. She has advised me that she has been in similar situations and how talking does get easier and how she will be ready to listen whenever I am ready to talk.

It felt like I was being a chicken when I 'text' her and told her but I explained that found it extremely difficult talking and i felt better just knowing that she knew. I also told her not to bring it up when I saw her until I was ready cause I couldn't talk about it. I am a bit disappointed in myself for doing it this way. I feel like I have opened a can of worms for myself now and now someone knows it's more real and will not go away. I wouldn't even know where to start telling my story.

I think I have far to go before I can open up. But I am trying to get myself there. I am lucky I think cause I live in the UK and therapy is available on our national health service if I want it, it's just a case of taking that step. Thank you for your posts, it means a lot speaking to someone who has been here.

 

[healingangel90]

That's exactly how I started opening up. From my experience, talking is really hard, but it will get easier as you keep telling your story. Certain things are harder to reveal than others. You've taken a huge step with confiding in your friend. And it seems like she understands. And it's always good to keep some type of boundary so you are comfortable talking to her, which you've done. Just take things one step at a time. You can take the step of seeing a therapist when you are ready. Let me know if you have any other questions or need someone to talk to. And you really are doing a great job! Telling anybody is really hard so you should be proud of yourself :)

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Jen,

Therapy really is the key to recovery! Yes, it is incredibly difficult to start with, but in my first sessions I did not reveal much more than the fact that I had been abused many years ago and was now struggling with - well - everything. It has taken 2 years for me to share more, and even then I have not had to go into precise details of the nature of the abuse. That doesn't actually matter, it is how it is affecting you, and your thoughts and feelings that are much more important.

There have been many times when I have not been able to get the words out, so I use text and emails to tell my T difficult stuff.He is happy with that and the arrangement works well for us. I understand what you say about feeling vulnerable. Therapy can help you feel safe and strong again.

Sometimes I have also sent texts to friends saying stuff like ' I want you to know this, but if I told you face to face I would cry, so .....' Friends understand, and have never questioned it. This doesn't have to be important revelations, but just things I want to say and the words wont come.

Well done for starting the journey. Now get yourself referred ( will you have to join a waiting list ?- here in Scotland it can be long, but I was very lucky) and keep moving forward!

Best wishes
Lucy x

 

[Jen]

Thank you both for the advice. I don't think I'm quite far enough to get myself to a therapist yet. I'm working on it though. Just trying to speak to my friend is a big enough hurdle at the minute. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know what I have to do, it's just difficult as you well know.

It is comforting to know that you also did the text/email thing Brucielucy. I asked her not to mention it when I see her as it's too difficult and she hasn't, she's been amazing, it's still difficult as when I see her I feel she sees me differently now and it's kind of like the big pink elephant in the room so the sooner I have the courage to talk the better.

Thank you both x

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Jen

Well done for finding the courage to talk to your friend. You are doing really well. Your friend is also amazing to be dealing with your difficulties in such an amazing way. You are seriously a special person to have such a brilliant friend. You are both brilliant.

However, I do also think that you need professional help. Maybe you don't feel ready, but please think about it. While I have no doubt that your friend will remain to be there for you, and listen to you and understand, a quallified therapist will help you to move forwards.

You have said yourself

I do feel like I need to talk

I think you do too.

For years I was convinced that talking about things would just be too hard. I thought it would bring back too many emotions. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it, and I thought that I'd just make everything worse. But I was wrong. I needed to tell my story, I needed to be heard. But I needed to be heard by someone who wouldn't judge me.

The thing with talking solely to a friend is that they can, unwittingly, say the wrong thing. They can sometimes feel the burden of 'too much information'. It can put a strain on your relationship. Talking with a therapist should be safe. You really have nothing to loose by sharing everything. And a good therapist will help you find solutions.

I'm not saying your friend will judge you. But you might think they will judge you, and you may worry about the impact on your friendship, which in turn may stop you from saying exactly how you feel.

Even with a therapist, you don't have to say things out loud. You can write stuff down and get them to read it, some will happily accept texts and emails. My therapist worked in all sorts of different ways, to get me to open up. But it worked. I told my story, and I feel so much better. I no longer have a 'dirty secret' eating away at me.

The overwhelming sense from you, is that you need to get this out. If you cant tell a therapist, then try writing it here. If you can't face that, try writing it on paper then burning or shredding it. You need to get your story out, somehow. You need to break your silence.

Just my opinion. I wish you well

CB

 

[Jen]

Thank you for your reply Cherryblossom.

I think deep down I know this and I will get there eventually. I feel I have issues with my experiences being worthy of someone counselling me. The person who did this was not all that much older than myself and at times I even remember it 'feeling nice' as much as this embarrassed me to say, I guess I feel like I probably could of stopped the whole thing from happening as its not like if was a full grown man forcing himself on me. Don't get me wrong some of it was pretty awful but still, I feel some people would dismiss this as kids experimenting? I don't know.

I do feel though, these things would probably be easier for me to tell someone who wouldn't judge me as I think I would get too embarrassed to tell my friend some of these things.

Thank you for your feedback everyone x

 

[healingangel90]

Jen, if it helps at all, I've been through something similar. I was abused by an older man, but I was also assaulted/abused by two people my age. One was actually a little younger than me. I know that 'feeling nice' feeling and have battled with so much shame because of it. It's helped me to remember that my body's reaction to whatever happened is completely biological. And what's most important is how you the experiences impacted you.

 

[Powder]

A therapist who has experience with what we have been traumatized with is helpful. They can guide you through the ups and downs of working through the past stuff while still doing well with the present. It's helpful to have that balance of being willing to deal with the past using current wisdom and also finding the courage to step into better and better things now and in the future. The most healing thing is to want good for yourself in all forms and being willing to care for yourself in all ways, deeply and consistently. This spans the past, present, and future like a big hug, and a good therapist is able to support that self-guided love of one's life. It takes many forms. :affection:

Taking care of the body, mind, and spirit is essential to reclaiming your full potential and healing abilities. Because you found a way to break the silence and trust someone, you have proven that you are powerful and able to locate support when needed, which is very powerful and important in life. Be brave and take baby steps toward growing this new ability to reach out and accept support from trust-worthy sources. I'm proud of you and wish everyone were at your level.